what if…the joke’s on me…

as two dragonflies

buzzed indiscriminate circles above my head

as if reading the thoughts churning in this cluttered mind

bouncing and pinging off of other objects and obstacles

like a pachinko pinball machine

sounding all manner of bells and whistles

alarms really… warnings… red alerts

wake up… open your eyes… wake up

you’ve been here before

it’s the image of you that repeats and retreats, repeats, and retreats

flat, one dimensional always slightly out of direct sight

but, i know it’s you or my idea of you, but nonetheless you

sure enough texts ensue…your words, your messages…no voice

dogs run past my feet

making chase, barking, stopping just long enough to look at me

as if wondering if I was going to be okay, if I was going to live through this

perhaps they know something that I’m not privy to

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all that remains…

(***i wrote this several years ago. i rediscovered it last night and wanted to start adding some of my past work.***)

sometimes i wonder…

what i was thinking…

you are clearly out of reach…

and, i am obviously out of touch…

with the reality of this situation…

the fact that i allowed you…

to get to me…

to get inside of me…

penetrating, my most vital of organs…

bypassing all of my armor…

because, i wanted you…

i beckoned you…

“comest thou hither”…

defenses worn thin…

like eggshell or onion skin…

cracked wide open…

contents frying…

up in a pan…

yellow, bubbly goo…

those bits and bites…

salty and peppery…

seasoned, just for you…

lie upon a plate…

at your seat…

at my special, celebratory table…

seemingly, untouched…

left far behind, wasted…

cold, hard, and grey now…

yucky, nasty scraps…

fit only to be had…

by a hungry dog…

empty shells…

dirty pan…

that is all that remains…

discomfort…

hot, can’t cool down…

sweating profusely…

curled up in a ball…

not moving for anything…

dizziness and fog…

nausea comes in waves…

green and then greener…

pale and then paler…

hacking up a lung…

sharp, shooting pain…

travels through spine…

exits out lower back…

legs rather useless…

feet engulfed in flames…

please, someone…

a glass of water…

and, some ice chips…

make even hell more comfortable…

for thirty seconds…

 

sick in montana…

…i’d never thought that i’d utter those words again…

…but, history does have a way of repeating…

…the best and the worst of days and times…

…and, here i am…once again…sick in montana…

my heart…

my heart bears imprints

and scars

and stents

my heart lies vacant

and forlorn

and forgotten

my heart feels broken

and dead

and rotten

but yet, my heart still beats

and sputters

and skips

my heart sits waiting

and hoping

and wishing

my heart is open

and wide

and expansive

 

this magic…

and, it comes in spurts

this magic that i feel

and when i feel it

i want to share it

like handing over

half of my pb & j

that my mom made

especially for me

because there was a note

it said, “made especially for you!”

“i love you, mom 😊”

you know that you’re special

if i want to share with you

whether that be my special sandwich

or my especially special magic

i want to share, it’s because i care

and you might need it more than me

this spell is for you

and the magic that goes with it

so, put it in your pocket

and use it as you need it

be very well my friend

 

 

vsw part four…

…so, i’ve been working on focus and becoming very focused on my goal of getting a home on the beach in washington state…my home. i’m focused on making the money that i need and clearing up loose ends here. focus will always be an ongoing struggle and visualization for me.

i’ve begun visualizing something else lately, as well. i’ve been visualizing physical fitness. yes, i’ve lost an enormous amount of weight, but i’ve still got half more to go to reach my goal weight. i’m a work in progress. ha-ha…if i ever make it off of “restriction,” whomever is just going to have to understand that i’m fluid, right now a “shape shifter.”

it’s been nice for me to have j**s to talk to about these things. she’s never been heavy or overweight, but she’s a nurse and deals with all kinds of shapes, sizes and body types. she’s seen all kinds of things and has been very helpful, giving me insightful hints and ideas for maximizing my workouts specifically for each problematic part of my body.

i’m an honest person. for the most part, i tell it like it is. however, i’ve never sat down with anyone before and honestly talked about weight, cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin, etc. j**s did an exercise with me. she had me close my eyes and visualize each part of my body that was problematic and i wanted to change.

i began with my double chin, although way smaller, it’s still there. i pictured it in my mind’s eye. i held the image for quite a while, looking at it from all angles. then with my eyes still closed, she had me visualize how i wanted my chin to look when i’ve attained my physical fitness goals. it was pretty similar to now, except for a little less fatty deposit.

we went through every part of my body. i visualized how it was now and how i wanted it to look when i had attained my physical fitness goal. mind you, this was not in person, but had the same effect. it was incredibly powerful to let go of the body shame, to deal honestly with my own imperfections, and incredibly motivating to see all that i will be.

that night, i was pleasantly surprised when i received a text message that just said, “bike?” i knew what that meant and i headed to the gym. we were riding our exercise bikes together. i can’t text and exercise, but received encouraging messages every so often. it was really fun to have someone to work with and encourage me.

next text, “hydrate!” followed by, “easy core workout for you.” so, when all was said and done, we had done 60 minutes of cardio and i did an easy core circuit workout, because i don’t know any test results yet and don’t want to push myself too hard. afterwards, it was really nice to hear that i was doing a great job and would achieve my goals.

it’s nice to have a person who is strictly a friend want to see me succeed and want to help to push me to be my absolute best. which is incredibly ironic, because i have another friend, the original motivator and inspiration for my healthy change. and that friend, she’s the one who changed my life for the best.

she’s the sage woman that encouraged me to begin visualizing all of my wants, dreams, desires, goals…say them out loud…and then, write about them. this has been really enlightening and helpful advice. i feel like it has already helped me to focus and it is helping me to attain my physical fitness goals.

i do three things before i finally go to sleep at night. i reflect on what i’m grateful for, sometimes i write about it and sometimes i don’t, but i always do it. i do a meditation. once in bed, i visualize those things that i want, dream of, desire, my goals…and as they pop into mind and i focus on them…i say them out loud.

i will have what i want. and, i’ve got this…