today, i went out for just a little bit. bugg’s reminded me that he needed some dog food and i just needed something. i looked and i looked, but just couldn’t find anything that i absolutely needed.
i saw and passed up; donuts, chips, cookies, candy, beef jerky, slurpees, coke, brownies, muffins, hot dogs, taquitos, and cigarettes. in the past, i would have easily caved and filled my cart, in the attempt to fill whatever hole that i happened to have in my life.
but, i take great pride in knowing that i have been using my time wisely. i am living proof of the fact that if you want to bad enough, you can change. you can become whatever and whomever, you want to be. you can set goals, work toward them, and achieve them…all on your own.
what i realized when i was looking for what i “needed,” was that what i needed once again, couldn’t be found anywhere or in anything, or in anyone else. what i need is already inside of me. what i need is actually in there…self-forgiveness, self-kindness, and self-love. it’s in there and it exists in bucket fulls. it was there last time. it’s there this time, too.
i know that there is no cure in the world. i know that there is no quick fix. i know that right now, i have to sit with this confusion and frustration, these nagging questions, and deep-aching hurt. it’s disconcerting. it’s uncomfortable as all hell. and, it’s disabling from time to time. hurt just fucking hurts, until it doesn’t anymore, and unfortunately, hurt has no timetable.
but, i know that i will get through this. i remind myself that i am all that i need…me and bugg’s. that is something that i know and believe fully. i have always freely chosen to love a person, because i wanted to…i always made absolutely sure that it was want…and never need…or codependency. that fact, i am proud of, as i have always been self-aware enough to ask myself that question and to know the difference.
i didn’t go to bed until three am last night/this morning. i go into my bedroom and i grieve, as i try to be kind to myself. i hate the silence of my phone. i fill every moment of my time in there, with self-care. i exercise and listen to music. i meditate. i try to wear my mind and body out completely, while repeating affirmations and working on stems.
sometimes, i get comfortable, hold my river rock between the thumb and palm of my right hand, and i utilize the butterfly tap, to take me into an emdr state. once i am in my state, i allow my mind to take me home. the state of being home is very healing for me. home is washington. home is a forested beach hollow. home is sitting on a fallen log, on the beach, surrounded by trees
when i arrive home, i sit down on the log. i smell and taste the salty air. i feel the breeze on my face. i hear the screeching seagulls. i open my eyes and i see my boys playing. (my boys dieter a german shepherd/great dane mix, samson a border colllie/samoyed mix, gunther a boxer, and bugg’s my chihuahua/miniature pinscher mix). they’re running around jumping and rolling in the sand, chasing each other, and bugg’s is barking at them.
when i’m home, i can stay there for as long as i want and i can interact with my boys however i choose. i can run with them. i can chase them. i can the throw the frisbee for dieter. i can dance with sammy. i can paint with gunther. i can bark back at bugg’s. we can all lie down in the warm sand, cuddle, and take a nap. we can share a picnic lunch. or maybe, we can watch the stars at night.
when i am home, i am free. i am free from hurt. i am free from the desert. i am free from physical, mental, and emotional impairments. i am surrounded by beauty. i am surrounded by peace and tranquility. i am surrounded by pure, unadulterated love. i am safe at home. i am cared for at home. i am very wanted and very loved at home. quite honestly, there is no place like home.
when it comes time for me to leave the comforts and love of home, i do so slowly. it’s so hard to leave all that i love behind, but i am comforted in knowing that i can return whenever i want or need to. my home belongs to me and me only. it is my special healing place, where i can go for comfort, without ever bothering anyone else. my boys never get tired of me and they are always happy to see me.