september 14, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…sleep, when and how it comes. any rest for this exhausted, run down body is a good thing. i’ll take it however i can get it…

…the plumber coming out to fix p**l’s sink. it was beginning to get stinky. he has been without a functioning kitchen sink for about two weeks now and has been eating off of paper plates, using plastic utensils, and drinking out of the paper cups that i took from my hotel stays…

…having enough energy to: do the dishes that had been putrefying in the sink full of swamp water, take the trash out, and straighten up after p**l’s little girls were here…

…being physically able to take buggs out and go for a walk…

…a nice and welcome change in the weather. cooler temperatures 50° – 60° and some grey clouds and precipitation…

…for getting to talk to a wonderful advice/triage nurse. she advised me on exactly how to proceed…

…p**l’s friendly face and human companionship that i can talk to and relate with. i appreciate his hospitality and willingness to share. plus, he understands what it’s like to be: a black sheep, left behind, disowned, the butt of jokes, incredibly sensitive to others, and full of emotion…

…buggs, my sweet boy and co-pilot…

i am capable of whatever, i set my mind to doing. i am a very good listener. i am worthy of love.

namaste.

 

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september 2, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…waking up this morning and knowing where i was. for not waking up every two hours and thinking that i had forgotten to pick-up or deliver someone’s pet. for being able to see buggs asleep at my feet everytime i did wake up…

…a long walk with buggs this morning before things got really hot…

…a nice email from my friend. it was really good to hear from her and her words made me feel good about my writing again…

…being back in the apartment with buggs, safe and sound. i’m thankful that we had a safe trip and were able to deliver all of our charges, without incident…

…my journey…another learning experience is now behind me and i look forward to the next one…

…my improved health and strength that allowed me to drive by myself with my dog, another dog, and five cats…

…an opportunity for me to form a deeper bond with buggs…

…a car that gets good gas mileage and is very reliable…

…a busy morning running errands…

…a delicious meal prepared by the girls…

…workouts with j**s again via text, after being gone for several days, and being so exhausted and rundown…

…my next trip…south lake tahoe to south hill, wa…

i am capable. i am confident. i am worthy.

namaste.

vsw part four…

…so, i’ve been working on focus and becoming very focused on my goal of getting a home on the beach in washington state…my home. i’m focused on making the money that i need and clearing up loose ends here. focus will always be an ongoing struggle and visualization for me.

i’ve begun visualizing something else lately, as well. i’ve been visualizing physical fitness. yes, i’ve lost an enormous amount of weight, but i’ve still got half more to go to reach my goal weight. i’m a work in progress. ha-ha…if i ever make it off of “restriction,” whomever is just going to have to understand that i’m fluid, right now a “shape shifter.”

it’s been nice for me to have j**s to talk to about these things. she’s never been heavy or overweight, but she’s a nurse and deals with all kinds of shapes, sizes and body types. she’s seen all kinds of things and has been very helpful, giving me insightful hints and ideas for maximizing my workouts specifically for each problematic part of my body.

i’m an honest person. for the most part, i tell it like it is. however, i’ve never sat down with anyone before and honestly talked about weight, cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin, etc. j**s did an exercise with me. she had me close my eyes and visualize each part of my body that was problematic and i wanted to change.

i began with my double chin, although way smaller, it’s still there. i pictured it in my mind’s eye. i held the image for quite a while, looking at it from all angles. then with my eyes still closed, she had me visualize how i wanted my chin to look when i’ve attained my physical fitness goals. it was pretty similar to now, except for a little less fatty deposit.

we went through every part of my body. i visualized how it was now and how i wanted it to look when i had attained my physical fitness goal. mind you, this was not in person, but had the same effect. it was incredibly powerful to let go of the body shame, to deal honestly with my own imperfections, and incredibly motivating to see all that i will be.

that night, i was pleasantly surprised when i received a text message that just said, “bike?” i knew what that meant and i headed to the gym. we were riding our exercise bikes together. i can’t text and exercise, but received encouraging messages every so often. it was really fun to have someone to work with and encourage me.

next text, “hydrate!” followed by, “easy core workout for you.” so, when all was said and done, we had done 60 minutes of cardio and i did an easy core circuit workout, because i don’t know any test results yet and don’t want to push myself too hard. afterwards, it was really nice to hear that i was doing a great job and would achieve my goals.

it’s nice to have a person who is strictly a friend want to see me succeed and want to help to push me to be my absolute best. which is incredibly ironic, because i have another friend, the original motivator and inspiration for my healthy change. and that friend, she’s the one who changed my life for the best.

she’s the sage woman that encouraged me to begin visualizing all of my wants, dreams, desires, goals…say them out loud…and then, write about them. this has been really enlightening and helpful advice. i feel like it has already helped me to focus and it is helping me to attain my physical fitness goals.

i do three things before i finally go to sleep at night. i reflect on what i’m grateful for, sometimes i write about it and sometimes i don’t, but i always do it. i do a meditation. once in bed, i visualize those things that i want, dream of, desire, my goals…and as they pop into mind and i focus on them…i say them out loud.

i will have what i want. and, i’ve got this…

 

vsw day two…

…i am still working on focus…practice makes perfect, right? i think that it’s a good thing to spend a little extra time on a skill that is only going to help me and get me where i’m going to faster.

so, i’ve been visualizing my two previous examples of focus. i find them to be incredibly helpful. i can feel myself gaining insight into what focus means to me and why i seem to be unable to focus.

well, to me, focus means giving something or someone my absolute attention. when i am focused on something or someone important, i shouldn’t have crap floating through my mind like: wondering how much gas i have in my car…where i can find a phillips head screwdriver to put my new license plates on with…or, what circuit workout i should do that night.

i shouldn’t let myself get so sidetracked by these things. it’s not good for me, my work, or people who are important to me. when i allow these things to distract me, i set myself up for failure, because distracted…i’m there…but, i’m never completely all there and certainly not my best.

i seem to be unable to focus for many reasons…i’m: unsettled, restless, torn, ambivalent, uncomfortable, not feeling my best, confused, and just plain scattered. i have my head in the clouds…i’m thinking about different people, wondering what they’re up to…i’m trying to workout faster and harder, and i’m trying to think of ways to get home faster…but, i haven’t been focused enough to pull it altogether.

so, i’m going to continue to visualize focus. i want to be able to give my work, my goals, my wants, my needs, and my people the focus and attention that they all deserve. i want to be able to tie it altogether, achieve, and get there tomorrow.

i know that the reality of the situation is what my friend told me. she told me that plans bend and sway and change, but to use that time to appreciate my accomplishments of the past two years. i’m taking her advice. i’m regrouping. i’m getting focused.

and once i am…watch out. i will visualize. i will say things out loud. i will write about them. and, i will get what i want.

oprah winfrey and deepak chopra’s 21-day meditation experience: desire and destiny (day twenty-two)…

day twenty-two – abundant world

centering thought: love and abundance for all.

sanskrit mantra: yum, yum, yum.

translation: my heart chakra is open -activating peace, harmony, and love.

message of the day: “world peace must develop from inner peace. peace is not just mere absence of violence. peace is, i think, the manifestation of human compassion.” – his holiness the 14th dalai lama

your day twenty-two meditation can be found here

 

 

oprah winfrey and deepak chopra’s 21-day meditation experience: desire and destiny (day twenty-one)…

day twenty-one – extraordinary me

centering thought: my destiny is joy.

sanskrit mantra: om bhavam namah.

translation: i am absolute existence. i am a field of all possibilities.

message of the day: “every great dream begins with a dreamer. always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” ― harriet tubman

your day twenty-one meditation can be found here

vsw day one…

vsw = visualizing what i want. speaking what it is that i want out loud. writing about it afterwards.

a very sage woman’s advice, that i fully intend to commit myself to, as she reminded me that “i’ve got this.” i’m grateful for her words, advice, and encouragement.

day one – focus

i’ve clearly been distracted, scattered, and not my usual dedicated and prolific-writer self. i’ve hit some roadblocks, gotten stuck, and been paralyzed by fear.

this distraction has kept me from doing even the simplest of tasks. an important response to a friend which i’ve written and rewritten at least a dozen times is at the very least four or five weeks overdue.

photographs that i took at the end of april, when my friend l***a was here, are still sitting in a folder…untouched. they have been sitting there being forgotten, because i got sidetracked.

there are many causes for these distractions: health concerns, increased cardio and workouts, lack of sleep, being psyched out by my therapist, r*****d, work, buying a car, friends, and plain, old fear.

so, here i am today visualizing or trying to visualize focus. i think to myself, “what exactly does focus look like?” two things pop into my mind pretty much instantaneously.

the first thing is going on a visit to an opthamologist or optometrist’s office. i sit in that funny looking chair in a dimly lit room. the doctor arrives and takes his place on a rolling stool in front of me. he pulls a giant, metal do-hickey up to my face and has me lean forward into it. my eyes match up to two lens areas. the doctor turns on a projector and letters appear on the wall. rows and rows of letters going from bigger to smaller. the doctor asks me to focus on the letters and begins moving lenses around. he says, “focus on the smallest line of letters that you can read and read them out loud.” i do so. he says, “focus on those same letters and tell me which is clearer…option a or b.” and, i focus and i’m kind of in a trance of only focus…trying to make my eyesight as clear and sharp as possible. i continue to focus, entranced, “a or b, b or a?” finally, my appointment is over, but i know that i was able to focus and get the best optical option for me.

the second thing is working in the darkroom…developing, enlarging, and printing “real” film photography. the darkroom is very dimly lit. it’s like a cave…dark, quiet, cool, and full of magic and inspiration. i allow my eyes to focus, i can see and work in the dark. i put my negative into the negative carrier, emulsion side down. i use the grain focuser to focus the grain of my print before exposing it to light. this is the point at which the light source joins together the negative and the paper…in a magical process. this seemingly blank piece of photo paper is then placed into emulsion. i focus my eyes and watch as the magic happens. right in front of me appear figures, shapes, and people…where there were none before. i fix the image and wash my print. i squeegee the excess water and put it in the dryer.

those are the visualizations that i used when focusing on “focus.” i saw it. i was in the scene. i was doing it. through those scenarios, i was able to achieve focus. now, i need to stay focused. but, if i do get distracted or stuck, in the future…i can return to these visualizations. i said, “focus” out loud, nine times, as nine is my perfect number, and i have written about this whole “vsw” process.

focus is mine…