vsw part four…

…so, i’ve been working on focus and becoming very focused on my goal of getting a home on the beach in washington state…my home. i’m focused on making the money that i need and clearing up loose ends here. focus will always be an ongoing struggle and visualization for me.

i’ve begun visualizing something else lately, as well. i’ve been visualizing physical fitness. yes, i’ve lost an enormous amount of weight, but i’ve still got half more to go to reach my goal weight. i’m a work in progress. ha-ha…if i ever make it off of “restriction,” whomever is just going to have to understand that i’m fluid, right now a “shape shifter.”

it’s been nice for me to have j**s to talk to about these things. she’s never been heavy or overweight, but she’s a nurse and deals with all kinds of shapes, sizes and body types. she’s seen all kinds of things and has been very helpful, giving me insightful hints and ideas for maximizing my workouts specifically for each problematic part of my body.

i’m an honest person. for the most part, i tell it like it is. however, i’ve never sat down with anyone before and honestly talked about weight, cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin, etc. j**s did an exercise with me. she had me close my eyes and visualize each part of my body that was problematic and i wanted to change.

i began with my double chin, although way smaller, it’s still there. i pictured it in my mind’s eye. i held the image for quite a while, looking at it from all angles. then with my eyes still closed, she had me visualize how i wanted my chin to look when i’ve attained my physical fitness goals. it was pretty similar to now, except for a little less fatty deposit.

we went through every part of my body. i visualized how it was now and how i wanted it to look when i had attained my physical fitness goal. mind you, this was not in person, but had the same effect. it was incredibly powerful to let go of the body shame, to deal honestly with my own imperfections, and incredibly motivating to see all that i will be.

that night, i was pleasantly surprised when i received a text message that just said, “bike?” i knew what that meant and i headed to the gym. we were riding our exercise bikes together. i can’t text and exercise, but received encouraging messages every so often. it was really fun to have someone to work with and encourage me.

next text, “hydrate!” followed by, “easy core workout for you.” so, when all was said and done, we had done 60 minutes of cardio and i did an easy core circuit workout, because i don’t know any test results yet and don’t want to push myself too hard. afterwards, it was really nice to hear that i was doing a great job and would achieve my goals.

it’s nice to have a person who is strictly a friend want to see me succeed and want to help to push me to be my absolute best. which is incredibly ironic, because i have another friend, the original motivator and inspiration for my healthy change. and that friend, she’s the one who changed my life for the best.

she’s the sage woman that encouraged me to begin visualizing all of my wants, dreams, desires, goals…say them out loud…and then, write about them. this has been really enlightening and helpful advice. i feel like it has already helped me to focus and it is helping me to attain my physical fitness goals.

i do three things before i finally go to sleep at night. i reflect on what i’m grateful for, sometimes i write about it and sometimes i don’t, but i always do it. i do a meditation. once in bed, i visualize those things that i want, dream of, desire, my goals…and as they pop into mind and i focus on them…i say them out loud.

i will have what i want. and, i’ve got this…


vsw part three…

…as i’ve discussed, i’ve been making being focused my focus. i’ve been paying attention to each day as it arrives. i’ve been greeting them earlier and working before anyone else is up, as well as, after everyone has gone to bed.

those are my times for me to be focused on making the money that i need to make, in order to get the fuck out of this god forsaken desert. i’ve been working on making a new website/web store and i’ve been exhausting every other monetary possibility.

i’ve always been very industrious and very confident in my capabilities. i got waylaid by being unhealthy and over medicated for about a decade, but i’m back and i’m ready and focused on earning, as quickly and efficiently as i possibly can. i need to get out of the desert.

i’m focused on home. home and making the money that i need to get home. i guess that you could say that i’m in a focused frenzy. i use the word frenzy because home or going home consumes my every waking thought.

so, with focus, that frenzy is directed into finding things to do for money, without it causing me to lose my medical benefits, because i cannot lose my benefits. i couldn’t survive without them. my ms injections alone run  $5000/month.

i’ve found three pretty decent options for making extra money. i posted about them earlier, but will touch on them quickly. one is grocery shopping and delivery with grocerychimps. one is investigating, photographing, and reporting for wegolook . and, the last one is picking-up and delivering goods and pets for citizenshipper . i’ve signed up with all three.

today, i was focused on scouring the citizenshipper website and what i found excited and amazed me. basically, i can use my car and time to travel to and from any area of the country that i want to. for example, i can take a dog from vegas to san diego. then in san diego, pick-up three dogs. one dog going back to vegas. one dog going to san antonio. and, one dog going to nashville. once dropping off my last dog, i could pick-up a dog going back to vegas.

the beauty of this is that there are just as many dogs, cats, turtles, bunnies, etc…riding between vegas and all over the pacific northwest. i could technically just go back and forth between here and home until i had enough for my downpayment. i could even re-establish my residency by getting an apartment and re-enroll in the place where i received the best healthcare.

i’m finally feeling focused and i’m ready to begin writing and sharing about what i’ve been visualizing over the past few days and saying out loud.

vsw day two…

…i am still working on focus…practice makes perfect, right? i think that it’s a good thing to spend a little extra time on a skill that is only going to help me and get me where i’m going to faster.

so, i’ve been visualizing my two previous examples of focus. i find them to be incredibly helpful. i can feel myself gaining insight into what focus means to me and why i seem to be unable to focus.

well, to me, focus means giving something or someone my absolute attention. when i am focused on something or someone important, i shouldn’t have crap floating through my mind like: wondering how much gas i have in my car…where i can find a phillips head screwdriver to put my new license plates on with…or, what circuit workout i should do that night.

i shouldn’t let myself get so sidetracked by these things. it’s not good for me, my work, or people who are important to me. when i allow these things to distract me, i set myself up for failure, because distracted…i’m there…but, i’m never completely all there and certainly not my best.

i seem to be unable to focus for many reasons…i’m: unsettled, restless, torn, ambivalent, uncomfortable, not feeling my best, confused, and just plain scattered. i have my head in the clouds…i’m thinking about different people, wondering what they’re up to…i’m trying to workout faster and harder, and i’m trying to think of ways to get home faster…but, i haven’t been focused enough to pull it altogether.

so, i’m going to continue to visualize focus. i want to be able to give my work, my goals, my wants, my needs, and my people the focus and attention that they all deserve. i want to be able to tie it altogether, achieve, and get there tomorrow.

i know that the reality of the situation is what my friend told me. she told me that plans bend and sway and change, but to use that time to appreciate my accomplishments of the past two years. i’m taking her advice. i’m regrouping. i’m getting focused.

and once i am…watch out. i will visualize. i will say things out loud. i will write about them. and, i will get what i want.

oprah winfrey and deepak chopra’s 21-day meditation experience: desire and destiny (day twenty-two)…

day twenty-two – abundant world

centering thought: love and abundance for all.

sanskrit mantra: yum, yum, yum.

translation: my heart chakra is open -activating peace, harmony, and love.

message of the day: “world peace must develop from inner peace. peace is not just mere absence of violence. peace is, i think, the manifestation of human compassion.” – his holiness the 14th dalai lama

your day twenty-two meditation can be found here



oprah winfrey and deepak chopra’s 21-day meditation experience: desire and destiny (day twenty-one)…

day twenty-one – extraordinary me

centering thought: my destiny is joy.

sanskrit mantra: om bhavam namah.

translation: i am absolute existence. i am a field of all possibilities.

message of the day: “every great dream begins with a dreamer. always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” ― harriet tubman

your day twenty-one meditation can be found here

vsw day one…

vsw = visualizing what i want. speaking what it is that i want out loud. writing about it afterwards.

a very sage woman’s advice, that i fully intend to commit myself to, as she reminded me that “i’ve got this.” i’m grateful for her words, advice, and encouragement.

day one – focus

i’ve clearly been distracted, scattered, and not my usual dedicated and prolific-writer self. i’ve hit some roadblocks, gotten stuck, and been paralyzed by fear.

this distraction has kept me from doing even the simplest of tasks. an important response to a friend which i’ve written and rewritten at least a dozen times is at the very least four or five weeks overdue.

photographs that i took at the end of april, when my friend l***a was here, are still sitting in a folder…untouched. they have been sitting there being forgotten, because i got sidetracked.

there are many causes for these distractions: health concerns, increased cardio and workouts, lack of sleep, being psyched out by my therapist, r*****d, work, buying a car, friends, and plain, old fear.

so, here i am today visualizing or trying to visualize focus. i think to myself, “what exactly does focus look like?” two things pop into my mind pretty much instantaneously.

the first thing is going on a visit to an opthamologist or optometrist’s office. i sit in that funny looking chair in a dimly lit room. the doctor arrives and takes his place on a rolling stool in front of me. he pulls a giant, metal do-hickey up to my face and has me lean forward into it. my eyes match up to two lens areas. the doctor turns on a projector and letters appear on the wall. rows and rows of letters going from bigger to smaller. the doctor asks me to focus on the letters and begins moving lenses around. he says, “focus on the smallest line of letters that you can read and read them out loud.” i do so. he says, “focus on those same letters and tell me which is clearer…option a or b.” and, i focus and i’m kind of in a trance of only focus…trying to make my eyesight as clear and sharp as possible. i continue to focus, entranced, “a or b, b or a?” finally, my appointment is over, but i know that i was able to focus and get the best optical option for me.

the second thing is working in the darkroom…developing, enlarging, and printing “real” film photography. the darkroom is very dimly lit. it’s like a cave…dark, quiet, cool, and full of magic and inspiration. i allow my eyes to focus, i can see and work in the dark. i put my negative into the negative carrier, emulsion side down. i use the grain focuser to focus the grain of my print before exposing it to light. this is the point at which the light source joins together the negative and the paper…in a magical process. this seemingly blank piece of photo paper is then placed into emulsion. i focus my eyes and watch as the magic happens. right in front of me appear figures, shapes, and people…where there were none before. i fix the image and wash my print. i squeegee the excess water and put it in the dryer.

those are the visualizations that i used when focusing on “focus.” i saw it. i was in the scene. i was doing it. through those scenarios, i was able to achieve focus. now, i need to stay focused. but, if i do get distracted or stuck, in the future…i can return to these visualizations. i said, “focus” out loud, nine times, as nine is my perfect number, and i have written about this whole “vsw” process.

focus is mine…





random things about today…

…i woke up at 0400 and looked around my room, but couldn’t find buggs anywhere. his bed was upside down on the floor and he wasn’t in it. i couldn’t understand, because he sleeps in his bed, down at the foot of my bed…with me. i was worried and confused. i thought that perhaps he had been “dognapped.” i called his name several times…no buggs!! the last time that i called him, rather frantically. i saw my pile of dirty clothes (headed for the laundry) move. i saw two little glowing eyes. buggs was sleeping and hiding under my dirty laundry and his bed was upside down on the floor. whatever happened, he’s keeping it a secret from me…

…when i got up at 0700 to start my day…i was angry for some strange reason. i think that after waking up to find buggs hiding and sleeping under my dirty laundry…i had a series of bad dreams involving buggs, a canister of rolled oats, my roommates, and my car’s key fob. i don’t remember any specifics…

…the sky was black and it actually rained for nine minutes. i timed it. it was nice. i miss it so fucking much…everything associated with it. it smelled so good for those nine minutes. it was a gift from the universe to me or at least i am choosing to think so…

…there were accidents both on my way to an ultrasound and coming from the ultrasound in rough the same stretch of freeway, on the opposite side. both accidents required traffic to crawl along at twenty miles per hour. both accidents involved white trucks…

…i spent most of my time today either in a doctor’s office, imaging center, lab, or my car. i didn’t have time to write the posts that i was going to write or to post anything. so instead, i used my time to reflect on some of my accomplishments from over the last year. a very, sage woman suggested that i do this and i felt gratitude for being able to accomplish so much, as a result of improved health and strength…which ironically enough was prompted and encouraged, by said woman. i needed to take that little “time out” today and truly feel blessed for whom and what i have in my life…

…i watched and took photos of a drunk woman as she hit a police officer several times, spit on him, and yelled horrible taunts at him. i don’t know if she was truly out of her mind or trying to bait him into using excessive force or what, but what i witnessed was a very patient, male officer. he went out of his way to call a female officer to get the lady into cuffs and pat her down. it made me happy to see something other than what i see and hear about on the news…

…i’m exhausted…physically, mentally, and emotionally, but tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow i am going to take some more of that sage advice. actually, not just tomorrow, but everyday. i will visualize what i want. i will say it out loud. and, i will write about it! so, i’m excited, because i for the most part know what i want and don’t want for myself. i guess that i will call accomplishing my goals, phase three. i will be working phases two and three concurrently and i will be writing about these wants and goals…