oh yes, i know it well…

balancing on the precipice…

leaning and swaying…

trying to decide what’s best…

it’s the point of surrender…

it’s the point of giving up…

it’s complicated and it’s confusing…

but, the best things happen…

when you least expect them to…

i still have faith…

and, i still have hope…

i can get what i want…

and, i will…watch me…


numb and dumb…

i’ve got a lot to say, but every thought escapes me right now. so, instead of me just rambling and saying absolutely nothing of importance like usual, i’m just going to share two things that one of my friends recently shared with me. 

and, there you have it…

me – a cowardly pussy, pretending to be a tiger (not how my friend meant it, but how i feel)

may 18, 2017…

…it was a weird morning. i sat parked on tree lined avenue, waiting for my scheduled pick-up. i listened celebratorily to my favorite song, wish i knew you, by the revivalists.

…the song ended and a very somber disc jockey came on the air and announced, “chris cornell, leader singer of soundgarden, audioslave, and temple of the dog is dead at age 52.”

…i was left sad and numb. i was both surprised and not surprised, as a lot of the great recording artists of my generation have succumb to depression, drugs, and untimely deaths.

…the thread of commonality was very astutely ascertained and written about by the writer of a blog, whose post i will be sharing. i have to say that some of his words really hit home for me.

…yes, the post was about chris cornell, but also about other great artists that defined my generation. but, at the end of the post his words became really applicable to me, too…as a person who has also struggled. 

rest in peace chris cornell

this writer hit the nail on the head. please read if you care to…i believe that the huge takeaway for me was about the depression, despair, and anxiety of my generation. the fact that being a depressed person, feeling despair, feeding on hope, but not wanting to burden anyone…and, instead trying to swallow it down and hide it…becomes all too exhausting and psychically painful to endure. explained in those terms, i get it…i really get it. i have been there myself.

i think a lot…

i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.

things that i didn’t think about at all.

things that i thought way too much about.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.

giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.

giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined. 

things that i screwed myself out of.

things that cannot be replaced.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.

things that have improved my health and strength. 

things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.

things that i am looking forward and ahead to.

things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.

no one knows for sure…

…what’s going on in someone else’s life.

the hurt that’s hidden behind a tearful smile.

the loneliness gnawing away at the most fragile soul.

the sadness held between the awkward lines of casual conversation.

…unless they stop and ask.

dead cat…

someone put a dead cat, on the sidewalk, near our apartment. 

buggs and i were on our morning walk, rounded the corner and bam…

there it was. i was quite shocked and disturbed to see it lying there.

one doesn’t expect to see a sight like that at 6 am. 

i don’t know what happened to the cat, but it almost looked posed lying there.

i worry about the children walking to school and to the bus stop.

a sight like that would have emotionally destroyed me as a child. 

it really upsets me to know, that it might have been my neighbor’s cat.

whom she loved and adored…and, walked on a leash around the complex.

i guess what bugs me the most is knowing that someone is going to…

…pick up that dead cat and throw it away in the dumpster like garbage.

from the patio…

wind blowing. 

my hair unruly.

sitting outside.

wearing a thermal.

it fit at christmas.

now it’s too big.

jet roaring.

over my head it flies.

neighbor says, “hello.”

children are yelling.

songbirds singing.

buggs sees me.

he licks the door.

sky hanging.

clouds billowing. 

trees dance in the breeze.

here i am now.

time’s a-wasting.

daylight’s going fast.

hand’s empty. 

heart’s full.

hurry please.

i’m a-waiting.