…when i think about waiting my mind always goes to my childhood reference…sam’s butcher shop on, the brady bunch television show.
of course, it was that way in real life, too…but, i think that i’ve spent a lot of time at sam’s marvelling at the 1970’s-wholesomeness of it all. it makes me be okay with waiting. it gives me patience. it reinforces my gratitude. it makes me feel safe. it gives me hope that when it is finally my turn, that there will be something really fucking wonderful…for me.
you see everyone at sam’s is pleasant and friendly. sam tells stories and chats everybody up. everybody is waiting, but they’re quite happy and content…because they all know that sam has exactly what they need and he’s procured and saved it, just for them.
so, just like everybody in line ahead of me and behind me…i’m waiting. today, i’m waiting for answers. yesterday, i was waiting for a check. tomorrow, i’m going to wake up at six am needing to use the bathroom and sure, as shit…i’ll be waiting for the bathroom, too.
when i wait in sam’s line, i matter…people notice me and treat me with kindness and respect. i can and will wait for all that i want and all that i want to accomplish, but i choose to wait at sam’s.
i know that when sam greets me with his smiling face and gregarious spirit, he’ll nod and flash me a knowing wink, and say, “i’ve waited a long time for you!! i’ll be right back.” he’ll go to his office and open the door…and beckon me back, once and for all to explore.
…time in the day, but then again sometimes there’s just too much, and i just want it to be over…pull the covers over my head and wish the world away…
i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.
things that i didn’t think about at all.
things that i thought way too much about.
i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.
giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.
giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.
i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined.
things that i screwed myself out of.
things that cannot be replaced.
i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.
things that have improved my health and strength.
things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.
i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.
things that i am looking forward and ahead to.
things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.
love, splashes my face in waves…
but, it dries instantly…
leaving no trace that it was ever there…
my hair unruly.
wearing a thermal.
it fit at christmas.
now it’s too big.
over my head it flies.
neighbor says, “hello.”
children are yelling.
buggs sees me.
he licks the door.
trees dance in the breeze.
here i am now.
daylight’s going fast.