all that remains…

(***i wrote this several years ago. i rediscovered it last night and wanted to start adding some of my past work.***)

sometimes i wonder…

what i was thinking…

you are clearly out of reach…

and, i am obviously out of touch…

with the reality of this situation…

the fact that i allowed you…

to get to me…

to get inside of me…

penetrating, my most vital of organs…

bypassing all of my armor…

because, i wanted you…

i beckoned you…

“comest thou hither”…

defenses worn thin…

like eggshell or onion skin…

cracked wide open…

contents frying…

up in a pan…

yellow, bubbly goo…

those bits and bites…

salty and peppery…

seasoned, just for you…

lie upon a plate…

at your seat…

at my special, celebratory table…

seemingly, untouched…

left far behind, wasted…

cold, hard, and grey now…

yucky, nasty scraps…

fit only to be had…

by a hungry dog…

empty shells…

dirty pan…

that is all that remains…

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discomfort…

hot, can’t cool down…

sweating profusely…

curled up in a ball…

not moving for anything…

dizziness and fog…

nausea comes in waves…

green and then greener…

pale and then paler…

hacking up a lung…

sharp, shooting pain…

travels through spine…

exits out lower back…

legs rather useless…

feet engulfed in flames…

please, someone…

a glass of water…

and, some ice chips…

make even hell more comfortable…

for thirty seconds…

 

sick in montana…

…i’d never thought that i’d utter those words again…

…but, history does have a way of repeating…

…the best and the worst of days and times…

…and, here i am…once again…sick in montana…

my heart…

my heart bears imprints

and scars

and stents

my heart lies vacant

and forlorn

and forgotten

my heart feels broken

and dead

and rotten

but yet, my heart still beats

and sputters

and skips

my heart sits waiting

and hoping

and wishing

my heart is open

and wide

and expansive

 

this magic…

and, it comes in spurts

this magic that i feel

and when i feel it

i want to share it

like handing over

half of my pb & j

that my mom made

especially for me

because there was a note

it said, “made especially for you!”

“i love you, mom 😊”

you know that you’re special

if i want to share with you

whether that be my special sandwich

or my especially special magic

i want to share, it’s because i care

and you might need it more than me

this spell is for you

and the magic that goes with it

so, put it in your pocket

and use it as you need it

be very well my friend

 

 

pre-dawn…

…not night…

…but, not quite day yet…

…not cool…

…but, not quite hot yet…

…not loud…

…but, certainly not quiet…

…not busy…

…but, not sparsely populated…

…it’s predawn…

…the moment, the point…

…where night and day…

…split apart and separate…

devoid…

and, i feel it sometimes

or, i think that i feel it

it’s like a phantom organ

my mind knows

that it’s not there

but, left in it’s place

damaged nerve endings

and thick scar tissue

like to play games

with my senses

needling and burning

pulsating and throbbing

a prolonged and perpetual

dull toothache-like hurt

it’s long, long gone

and, yet somehow i manage

to keep going without it

but, i know that i’m

altogether lacking

a very vital part

i know that i am devoid