waiting…

the washer and the dryer.

in my mind,

i hear one say, “un-uh”

and the other one answer, “oh yeah,”

while sitting in a tiny kitchen,

in a familiar folding metal chair

waiting for the chili

that i prepared all day yesterday

to reheat, as no one including me ate it.

i am pondering the cornbread

reclining peacefully and untouched

in a simple, red dish made of crockery.

the cheddar is grated and in a bowl.

the sour cream and chopped onion

just waiting, like me.

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uncertainty…

that tiny bit of doubt

it manages to work it’s way into my mind

it may lie there dormant for weeks

springing back to life when least expected

or, it enters and immediately grows roots and takes over

in either case, it’s generally something so innocuous

that no one else would ever even think twice about it

but, i do

it’s the way something may or may not be said

a look that may or may not have been dismissive

it’s a simple word or line of text or phrase with no punctuation at the end

that leaves my wheels spinning over and over…round and round

my gut tied up in knots as my stomach churns and burns

everything spins out of control with no context, no resolution, and no clarity

things of absolutely no consequence are assigned random, but specific meaning

it drains every ounce of joy from my spirit and i am spent

 

 

 

what if…the joke’s on me…

as two dragonflies

buzzed indiscriminate circles above my head

as if reading the thoughts churning in this cluttered mind

bouncing and pinging off of other objects and obstacles

like a pachinko pinball machine

sounding all manner of bells and whistles

alarms really… warnings… red alerts

wake up… open your eyes… wake up

you’ve been here before

it’s the image of you that repeats and retreats, repeats, and retreats

flat, one dimensional always slightly out of direct sight

but, i know it’s you or my idea of you, but nonetheless you

sure enough texts ensue…your words, your messages…no voice

dogs run past my feet

making chase, barking, stopping just long enough to look at me

as if wondering if I was going to be okay, if I was going to live through this

perhaps they know something that I’m not privy to

on a note unrelated to anything…

…that i’ve posted here…

(this is from a few days ago now)

i don’t want to to speak too soon and jinx anything or count my chickens before they’ve hatched.

i will say that today has been extraordinary. yes, it’s been a terrifying and thrilling rollercoaster ride.

i was pressed to the back of my seat, feet flat on the ground, and holding onto real objects to keep me grounded.

i’ve been thinking for days examining my thoughts, feelings, emotions, moods, intentions, body language, wants, needs.

today, i utilized my self-evident truths and chose to do things differently, but, not in a “george costanza,” kind of way.

two nights ago, i wrote my truths on index cards. i laid the cards out and arranged according to patterns i saw.

i took each pattern and made it into a paragraph. the paragraphs gave me a rough draft, a skeleton to flesh out.

it came easily, directly from the heart…a piece that clearly and accurately summed up everything, all of my truths.

it was accepted for publication on vocal.media last night, but i chose not to talk about it, until it had been read…

today, i was scared, but confident in my resolve to be okay, to hold it together, to continue to carry on, thrive, and grow…

regardless of the outcome of releasing these truths and realizations to their intended, their inspiration.

it was more of a proclamation than anything else. it was crystal clear, not vague, cluttered, or messy.

i had to blow-up the box from the inside and put it back together again, one piece at a time…

…without gaps, glue, or fasteners and re-craft it…seamlessly and masterfully into a work of art. and, i did!!

 

all that remains…

(***i wrote this several years ago. i rediscovered it last night and wanted to start adding some of my past work.***)

sometimes i wonder…

what i was thinking…

you are clearly out of reach…

and, i am obviously out of touch…

with the reality of this situation…

the fact that i allowed you…

to get to me…

to get inside of me…

penetrating, my most vital of organs…

bypassing all of my armor…

because, i wanted you…

i beckoned you…

“comest thou hither”…

defenses worn thin…

like eggshell or onion skin…

cracked wide open…

contents frying…

up in a pan…

yellow, bubbly goo…

those bits and bites…

salty and peppery…

seasoned, just for you…

lie upon a plate…

at your seat…

at my special, celebratory table…

seemingly, untouched…

left far behind, wasted…

cold, hard, and grey now…

yucky, nasty scraps…

fit only to be had…

by a hungry dog…

empty shells…

dirty pan…

that is all that remains…

discomfort…

hot, can’t cool down…

sweating profusely…

curled up in a ball…

not moving for anything…

dizziness and fog…

nausea comes in waves…

green and then greener…

pale and then paler…

hacking up a lung…

sharp, shooting pain…

travels through spine…

exits out lower back…

legs rather useless…

feet engulfed in flames…

please, someone…

a glass of water…

and, some ice chips…

make even hell more comfortable…

for thirty seconds…

 

sick in montana…

…i’d never thought that i’d utter those words again…

…but, history does have a way of repeating…

…the best and the worst of days and times…

…and, here i am…once again…sick in montana…