practicing patience is a purposeful process…

something happens when you have something in your mind and something in your heart, and the two conflict. 

sometimes walls come crashing down, only to get built back up quickly. vulnerability can be a sadistic mistress. 

trust is earned over time. it grows as actions match words. inconsistencies are the root of doubt and a red flag.

relationships grow with knowledge, work, and time…time to be individuals and time to be a couple…quality time. 

it’s a scary thing to surrender your heart to another, especially if you’ve been hurt or betrayed by the one that you loved.

a virtuous heart is worth waiting for. taking time to fully vet and know a potential mate is a precious process.

true love is selfless. it’s giving of oneself without condition or expectation. it’s meeting your other halfway everyday.

love is patience, gentleness, kindness, joy, happiness, support, understanding, honesty, respect, honor, and loyalty. 

this kind of love endures and bares all things. this kind of love casts out all fear, doubt, and question. 

here i am…

here i am…

i have so many thoughts running through my head right now…

i have so many feelings flooding my heart and mind, continually…

here i am…

trying to focus, all damn day long..

trying to write, since six am…

here i am…

with great things to write about…

with exciting things to share…

here i am…

with three different drafts, instead of finished posts…

with three completely different ideas, topics, and subject matters…

here i am…

one distraction, after another…

one aggravation, after another…

here i am…

nine hours later, with nothing to post…

nine hours later, and not even close…

here i am…

wondering if anyone even cares, other than me…

dreaming of what i want to say…

here i am…

it’s very complicated, frustrating, and irritating…

it keeps me off-guard, tension, and resentment building…

here i am…

i just want to write, focus, and be without interruption…

i just want to revel in what i’ve learned, embrace it, and make it my own…

here i am…

hear me, listen to what i have to say, know that i mean my words…

see me, look at how far i’ve come, watch me as i become “future” me…

here i am…

learning, growing, changing, and becoming…

grounded, balanced, confident, and hopeful…

here i am…

endlessly patient, full of gratitude, and waiting to share abundance…

ready for unlimited possibilities, open-minded, and full of love…

august 25, 2016…

today, i am grateful for…

…freshly brewed, hot coffee…

…chef wendy’s delicious, breakfast frittata…

…a beautiful, not too smoggy day…

…a nice day out with richard, who was on his best behavior. i walked him for about five miles, before he finally pooped out…

…the same exact walk, a few hours later, at the same place, with jenny. i was able to walk just about ten miles altogether…

…chef wendy’s delicious, healthy dinner…

…being good exhausted from all of my walking…

…being able to sleep through all of the commotion in our parking lot, last night…

i look and feel stronger, than i felt eight years ago, when i was first diagnosed with ms. i am filled with endless patience, for who and what i want. living in gratitude, has filled my life with abundance.

namaste.

august 24, 2016…

today, i am grateful for…

…being woken up early, but nicely…

…interesting dreams last night…

…wendy and jenny convincing me to go with them to ikea. got twice the amount of walking in today…

…the wonderful breakfast scramble, that chef wendy made for me this morning. it was eggs, freshly grated parmesan, finely chopped salami, and fresh jalapenos…

…a day without loud-loud television in my roaring ear, and loud-loud deaf man yelling, over the loud-loud television, in my “good ear…”

…jalapenos with melted, sharp, cheddar cheese (and the person who showed me how delicious it is, in the first place)…

…nice text messages, from nice people…

…getting to talk to my friend, grace, yesterday. she is always so positive, supportive, and inspiring…

…clean laundry…

…losing two more inches off of my waist, going down another short’s size, and losing twenty-two more pounds…

determination fuels my spirit. challenges give me a different perspective. love fills my heart.

namaste.

“talking to myself…when nobody’s home,” (note to self)…

…when someone tells you something that sends up a flag, you should listen…because something that is uttered as a, “funny haha,” or moment of, “self-awareness,” can be the harbinger of the future…the flicker of illumination, into that person’s modus operandi, into their character…into their hearts intent…

…if someone tells you that they are a schizophrenic…that doesn’t mean that they aren’t a truly wonderful person, worth loving…it just means that you should listen, with your whole heart, decide if she can handle the highest heights, and the lowest lows. decide if your heart can take it…is the “juice” worth the squeeze? if you proceed, a word of caution…schizophrenia, is a disease…it’s certainly not a choice!! instability, of any kind, does not fair well, for the gooshy hearted. learn your lesson…don’t think that things will be different for you, because you’re different…you’re special…you’re worth it. it’s a disease. it’s nothing personal. it’s just the way it is. wendy is right, when she says that,”people are online, for a reason…,” it’s true!! no matter how much, “the heart wants, what the heart wants…,” you don’t have to listen…you don’t have to put yourself, in that position, just because you are needing…to feel loved, to feel special, to feel like you make a difference…like you matter…because you do matter. your heart is precious, tender, valuable…don’t give it up for instability, imbalance, or insecurity. you will feel the wonderous heights of all that love has to offer…but at some point…you will crash and burn. are you okay with that? will you survive that? are you worth more than that?

…if someone says to you,”…maybe i am a narcissist…,” fuck yeah!! what was your first clue? are you freaking kidding me? why are you still there…listening, believing, trusting? it began as such a beautiful thing…feeling so fucking special, so valuable, so worthwhile…and that continued for a few weeks, maybe even a month…and then, you said something innocent, maybe asked the wrong question, maybe you didn’t use the right emoji…it doesn’t matter what it is, it will happen…narcissism will show it’s ugly head. suddenly out of nowhere, there will be an attitude…all at once, everything that had been good, special, and wonderful about you…is now off putting, offensive, obtuse. out of nowhere, with no forewarning…”your person,” disappears…the first time, for a day, or two…reappearing, as if nothing had ever happened…no mention of, what or why…no acknowledgement, whatsoever, leaving you no choice, but to believe that, you might actually be, a “little nutty,” like everything is/was, all in your mind. then, “your person,” suddenly reappears…frantic, because they think that you, have moved on…stopped taking their phone calls, and answering their texts…when in all reality…your phone was down, because of the storm. you are once again, flattered…,” you feel like you still have, “a chance.” you know better than to question, the disappearance. you begin to know, what will make, “your person,” disappear…you stop being yourself…because that self that was so wonderful, awesome, and adorable…has now become…loathsome, boring, so not special. you lose yourself, your identity, your spirit…and cling, to what once filled you…thinking that if you were just, “good enough,” things would go back to how they, once were. stop!! stop now!! this is crazymaking behavior…the narcissist feeds on this…it strokes his/her ego, in all the right ways…for him/her to have, this kind of exacting control over your emotions. run!! don’t turn around!! don’t look back!! what you felt was real, to you…but anything that the narcissist, mirrored back to you…was just an illusion. wendy was right…”…people are online for a reason…,” maybe my narcissists reason, was to have an endless supply, of ego feeders…strokers…that’s my guess.

…if someone says to you,”i can’t believe that after having the luck that you’ve had…with sarah, charlotte, and rhonda…that you would even think about throwing your hat back in the ring…” what does that mean? especially, when the heart wants, what the heart wants. do you seriously fucking think…that you of all people, have/had a chance to be loved by her? seriously? she told you not to put her on a pedestal…and, you didn’t…you did your absolute best, to try to exist with her, in her world, but you were too large, too overwhelming, too overbearing. you know what you saw etched on her palm. you know how it felt, when she looked into your eyes, and said,”…i see you…” you are left with those thoughts, those feelings, those “what-its.” the thing is, that you really believed that, she did see you…that she did care, that she did want to…but, you think that maybe she just got scared. get a motherfucking clue…she doesn’t want, or love you…she has moved on…and yes, you can see that clearly now.

…what was my reason? my reason, for being online…was because i’m fat, doughy, “obeast.” my feeble attempt to showcase…my true inner self…my beautiful mind, my words and thoughts, my ideas and plans…while still fully disclosing that i am physically, very disappointing. i have found three really beautiful people this way, but, none of them wanted me, for me. they wanted the illusion of me…the flattering musings, the uplifting encouragement, the unwavering support…but, they didn’t want the physicality of me, the sentimentality in me, or, any feelings, or utterances of love coming from me. i could be very off base, but it feels to me like…i was merely a distraction. i was way too eager for interaction, for connection, for intimacy…and yes, for the possibility of love…for me. i believed, in the fairytale. i wanted my fairytale. i believed that i had it. i found my, “pam,” but i lost her. the only thing in life, that i will ever truly regret, is leaving without really seeing, if things were really over, or not. i feared the worst, and fled. i probably made things out to be more, than they ever really were…

…at this point, i’m just talking to myself, trying to come to some conclusions…trying to figure out what is true, versus what my heart tells me. i am so lost right now, but as for as lost, as i am right now…in this moment…i am that much closer to being found, in the next…somehow, i must remain hopeful…trust, have faith, and live in the love, that i have for myself…

…as for “pam,” i believe in the power of threes…palm, tarot, future-present-past photo…i believe in kismet…i believe that what is meant to be will happen…nothing more is needed from me…i will wait to see how the universe unfolds…i will work on being mindful, of the universal laws, put my good energy out there, and know that i will attract like…

…but, she…she will always be loved by me…i know that i put everything that i had to give out there…i know that i am absolutely willing to be a fool for love…and, i guess that my photos, and art project…showed that…but, i will never be ashamed of…love…i am not embarrassed, to show that i have been deeply, and profoundly moved, by another…she is greatly missed…i will wait for the universe…

 

august 13, 2016…

today, I am grateful for…

…a good night of sleep…

…”the office,” and the peace and calm that it brings to me. the sweetness, kindness, and genuineness that i feel from it…that i have felt once before, in my life…and will feel one day again…

…nuts, instant protein…

…the beach, being one day closer…

…karen’s smile and laugh, when i told her about my day with, richard. watching her face light up, when i read her my essay, “i’ve never met a donut, that i didn’t like…”

…getting to drive richard’s crv to my appointments, since my car is still in montana…

…the beautiful cloud formations…

…for each dog that i see going out for a walk…i miss mine, so terribly…

…cold water to drink…

…healthy food to eat…

i am filled with compassion for every homeless person i see, out in this blazing hot sun. i am working on staying present, grounded, and going to my calm place. i am a very deserving person.

namaste.

i’ve never met a donut that i didn’t like…

it’s true!! i always thought that if i slipped (on my diet), it would be bread, potatoes, pasta, or rice. i was wrong!! it was a donut, a motherfucking donut!!

they were just sitting there, looking all beautiful and gorgeous, at the circle k. i’ve walked right past them hundreds of times, never even acknowledging their presence.

i was having a very bad day. i was sad, bored, anxious, missing people, basically on edge, and beside myself. i walked past the donuts giving them a longing glaze.

i grabbed the almonds and water, that i went in there for, in the first place, and got in line. i turned around one more time, before getting to the cashier.

before i knew it, i was kneeling before the case, holding all of those precious donuts. i grabbed waxed paper and a bag, and began choosing my favorites.

i was there for what seemed like an eternity, eyeing those lovelies. i grabbed an apple fritter, an old fashioned, and a glazed raised donut.

it was like i was on autopilot…not thinking, just doing. once i got in line again, my eyes fell to something else. it was called a “magic brownie.” once again, without thinking, i grabbed one.

i was ready to take off, and leave until i looked to my right, and the slurpee machine beckoned me, to her. i figured,”what the fuck.” i made myself an x-large mango slurpee, paid, and left.

i didn’t realize exactly what i had, how much there was, or the ramifications of my actions, until i got back. almost immediately, i heard,”i thought that you were on a diet.”

i was instantly filled with guilt and shame. i off loaded the apple fritter to richard, and put the rest in my room. the slurpee, i enjoyed immensely, as it was 108°. it wasn’t guilt-free, but i enjoyed it.

later, when i went to my room that night, there they were…in the white paper donut bag. i thought about what i should do. i considered throwing them away…

but, what i decided to do was eat them. acknowledging that it was not a reward for bad behavior, a celebration, or anything that could fill the voids in my life…

but, rather eat them being completely mindful and present, acknowledging that i am only human, that it was okay to make a mistake, as long as i get right back onto my plan, and continued.

instead of scarfing those donuts down, trying to hide the evidence, and not tasting, or enjoying them. i ate them in the spirit of gratitude…grateful, mindful, present.

i experienced those donuts like none other, that i’ve ever had before. i smelled them. i examined their shape, color, and texture. i tasted every bite, savoring it, and being thankful, that the next day i would be fine.

and, i was fine! i was able to forge on, with my diet and exercise program. i went and got weighed at the doctors office. i gained nothing, in fact i lost five pounds.