numb and dumb…

i’ve got a lot to say, but every thought escapes me right now. so, instead of me just rambling and saying absolutely nothing of importance like usual, i’m just going to share two things that one of my friends recently shared with me. 

and, there you have it…

me – a cowardly pussy, pretending to be a tiger (not how my friend meant it, but how i feel)

may 18, 2017…

…it was a weird morning. i sat parked on tree lined avenue, waiting for my scheduled pick-up. i listened celebratorily to my favorite song, wish i knew you, by the revivalists.

…the song ended and a very somber disc jockey came on the air and announced, “chris cornell, leader singer of soundgarden, audioslave, and temple of the dog is dead at age 52.”

…i was left sad and numb. i was both surprised and not surprised, as a lot of the great recording artists of my generation have succumb to depression, drugs, and untimely deaths.

…the thread of commonality was very astutely ascertained and written about by the writer of a blog, whose post i will be sharing. i have to say that some of his words really hit home for me.

…yes, the post was about chris cornell, but also about other great artists that defined my generation. but, at the end of the post his words became really applicable to me, too…as a person who has also struggled. 

rest in peace chris cornell

this writer hit the nail on the head. please read if you care to…i believe that the huge takeaway for me was about the depression, despair, and anxiety of my generation. the fact that being a depressed person, feeling despair, feeding on hope, but not wanting to burden anyone…and, instead trying to swallow it down and hide it…becomes all too exhausting and psychically painful to endure. explained in those terms, i get it…i really get it. i have been there myself.

the tribe has not spoken…

during the last couple of weeks, with my plan interrupted, my “football” being yanked away, and having watched, 13 reasons why…i decided that it might behoove me to add something extra, in addition to my therapy.

my “football” is gone. it’s hard for me to know when i will be able to borrow a car, so, an outside of the apartment, support group is out of the question, until after may 1. i scoured the internet for a highly recommended, safe, online support group.

after about two hours, i found a pretty wonderful site, that came highly recommended, was safe, and had a really nice and easy to use interface…it reminds me of what i would imagine a mental health, “facebook,” would look like.

they have online therapists available and suggestions for therapists, in your area. they have nine groups: addiction, anxiety, depression, hiv/aids, lgbtq, marriage and family, ocd, teen, and wellness. they have chat rooms and private chat capabilities. 

it is called, “*** ***** ******** ********.” it boasts 68,407 members. it is a really beautiful and interactive site. i really like it as far as design and content. whomever designed the site and came up with the wellness activities, had great ideas.

however, there is one HUGE, glaring problem…no one really has anything to say!! i have looked around in chat rooms, group pages, etc. i am a member of four groups: anxiety, depression, lgbtq, and wellness. 

the first thing that i did was introduce myself, in a paragraph that i posted on my page and all four groups. not one person replied. i did make two blog posts and one person commented on each post. i replied and “friended” them.

i decided to really go through and look at things…i began in the lgbtq group. what i found, broke my heart. i found people reaching out, putting themselves out there, and no comments/replies. some people asking repeatedly over several days.

i think what made things even more sad, were the number of children, under the age of 18, who were not in the teen group…because they were picked on for being gay or asking questions about their sexuality. 

i decided that it was inappropriate to “talk” to the kids, but what i did do was start replying to the adults that had been reaching out to anybody/everybody. suddenly, i began receiving friend requests and responses. 

these were people just like me, they just needed to know that someone cared, and that they were not alone. i found that in my attempt to comfort others, i myself was comforted. i found that in my attempt to be a friend, i received friends. 

i now have eight “new friends,” that i have something very much in common with. we have weathered our own personal “storms” together. whether or not, we ever even “speak” again…we will always know that we made it…

…the tribe has not spoken…

grape valley…

lacking in substance

i planned it all out

my feet really hurt

wasn’t going without

pushed to my limit

i momentarily caved

it was carbs and sugar

bread and sweets, i craved

i scoured the market

the bakery first

bagels and fritters

my heart nearly burst

i felt guilty and shameful

as i stood in line

the cashier took my money

the goods were all mine

i turned on “the office”

had a good laugh, with my cry

all were sleeping

on came the high

the squishiness of my bagel

i savored each bite

the sweetness of my baked good

it was sheer delight

i remember munching

my eyes closed tight

while doing my meditation 

my hope soared like a kite

my meditation, it ended

with the chime of a bell

i took off my headphones

and, stowed them well

i knew, as i shifted

i was primed for a fall

fell right out of bed

hit my head on the wall

later on, i realized, that

i must’ve touched my phone

with sticky, “donut hands”

and, let out a displeased groan

i thought that i cleaned it

got all of the sugary stuff

it’s almost a day later

guess my job’s not up to snuff

no one knows for sure…

…what’s going on in someone else’s life.

the hurt that’s hidden behind a tearful smile.

the loneliness gnawing away at the most fragile soul.

the sadness held between the awkward lines of casual conversation.

…unless they stop and ask.

13 reasons why (part two)…

is a new netflix original series. i highly recommend it to parents and non-parents, to anyone really. 

it follows all that’s involved in the student-life at fictional, liberty high school, which is located in a small, nondescript town.

i want to talk about the show, but i also don’t want to give any of it’s important storylines away.

i will say that there are 13 reasons why the main character decides to take the course of action that she does.

the series revolves around the action, talking about it as a past event, and weaves it’s way backwards to the action itself.

it portrays different stereotypical students: jocks, cheerleaders, student council, nerds, rebels, gays, and outcasts.

the series is broken into 13 separate, but intermingled storylines about 13 different, but enmeshed individuals.

it takes 13 different events, performed by 13 different people to create the “perfect storm” of emotional “fallout.”

in the end, everyone’s lives were truly changed forever. that one person, taught them all how it felt to be “less than.”

how it felt to be bullied, to be invisible, to be friendless, to be unheard, to not be believed, and to be lonely…very lonely.

it touched me and moved me in so many ways. i have gone through each of those feelings. i still go through some of them.

i experienced those feelings, not in high school, but rather at church, within my own family, and in other “relationships.”

i understand, hannah baker. i feel her hurt, her vulnerability, her willingness to keep looking for a reason to stay.

what i understand the most is the fact that she just wanted someone to come after her, to just give her that glimmer of hope. 

she just wanted someone to care enough to really see her, talk to her, hear her, and give her their time…be her friend.