…yesterday was the first time in two weeks that buggs has gone to the dog park, as he had kennel cough and was on antibiotics.
that morning, i told him where we were going, but he was not as excited as he would usually be. i think that it had been “so long” that he didn’t necessarily believe me and was being cautiously optimistic.
as we drove with the windows partially down, i watched his nose get more and more intrigued and excited by the scents that were in the air. when we were about a block away, he shot up, looked out the window, and stuck his nose out of the crack.
he absolutely knew where we were. he was up and dancing on his seat and “talking” chihuahua quietly, as if preparing what to say before greeting his friends. he hopped out of the car and immediately began pulling me to the little dog yard.
as we approached, i saw more little dogs in there than i had ever seen before. my god, there must have been upwards of seventy-five furry, little pups. buggs was so excited that he actually allowed himself to enjoy the little dogs for awhile, putting goading the big dogs to chase him along the fenceline out of his mind.
it was difficult to keep an eye on him with so many other dogs around. however, i can always pick my boy’s unique bark and chihuahua chatter. he was running and then would stop to lick ice and then lie down in the shade. he was panting like a wild dog.
watching dogs interact and play is such a joyful and jubilant experience. they are generally so happy to great and see one another. buggs is funny. he’ll do the standard meet and greet of butt sniffing, but then he gives a “come on and chase me,” chihuahua chirp…and, it’s off to the races.
all in all, it was a great morning. you can never go wrong with dogs or the dog park…that’s some potently good therapy.
…the girls, buggs, and i went to the lake today…lake mead, home of the hoover dam. it actually wasn’t too hot today, only 93°. that makes me want to gag when, “i hear myself say that!!” god…i hate the desert…it messes with your mind and your heart.
i feel like i’m paying my karmatic dues for all of my sins…one day when i emerge from this place…my soul will be blameless and shameless…and, my heart will no longer be grieving and broken. or, at least that’s what i keep telling myself.
today, baptism, purification, relaxation. girls swam. buggs and i took photos, people watched, and hung out in the car. i’m still not feeling that great and am waiting to hear the results of friday’s ultrasound. didn’t want to tempt fate and be in the middle of nowhere.
…in my last post, i revealed that i had quite a night on saturday and woke up in amidst a horrifying dream, which had just turned into the most peaceful and calming dream that i’ve had in a long while…and that says an awful lot about my life now…that a dream where i’m bleeding out on the floor of a shower in a prison, turns out to be more peaceful and calming.
and i’m not entirely sure, why that is. i’ve got two ideas. one is that, that last horrific event performed forcibly upon my body, set my spirit free and finally i was at perfect peace and experiencing calm beyond understanding. and the other is that, that last kind and caring act filled me with the love that i’d needed and wanted, but never got. it gave me peace and calm in my final moments, and the connection with another that i so desired.
the good part of my dream, the peace and the calm, were very short-lived…they flew out the window once i felt a weird tickle on my face. my eyes popped open and i saw a motherfucking cockroach dangling from my c-pap hose. of course, i ripped my c-pap mask off of my face and flung it across the room.
at that point (0330 military time), there was no sleep left to be had. i sat in front of my computer and typed for four hours. i typed up four different versions of the email that i’ve been struggling with for weeks. i’m giving myself a couple of days to read and re-read them…and give the one that i choose a final edit.
at 0800, i gathered up buggs and took him to the henderson barkpark to have fun and to frollic with the other pups. buggs was having a great time barking at the big dogs, trying to get their attention, and “talk” them into running up and down the fenceline with him.
while buggs ran around and did his thing, i tried to walk my laps around the perimeter of the yard. however, i just wasn’t feeling right. my thought is that the only thing that was any different than normal was the new medication, the remeron.
i went and sat on a bench in the shade. a new dog came into the yard and he kept trying to establish dominance over buggs. well, buggs wasn’t having any of it and he growled and ran off to do his own thing. that dog followed him, so buggs ran over to me to drink some water. the dog came back over and both dogs began to growl and posture.
i got up to grab buggs to take him to the splashpad (doggie waterpark within the barkpark). all i remember was standing up. the next thing i remember was a man asking me if i was okay. my eyes were closed and when i opened them, i realized that i was on the ground with my legs crumpled up underneath me.
i got up and noticed that my leg was torn-up, it was only a flesh wound, and i’m okay. it was just upsetting to me that it happened, because it really scared buggs. also, i’m not at all sure what happened. if it could be the remeron and i just fell asleep. or, maybe i passed out from the heat. or, possibly had some kind of ms occurrence. i guess that any of those things are possible, but i’ll never know.
i took buggs out of the yard. it was really hot and really humid, so i took him over to the splashpad, which is a small doggie waterpark area located within the barkpark. it has several different types of both tall and short water features for dogs to cool off after play. it’s a pretty nice amenity to have for the dogs and their people!!
so, buggs and i walked through the water features several times. we both allowed ourselves to get drenched. it felt good and it was a nice way to cool off. it also helped to wash out my flesh wound a little. the sun was hot and beating down on us. it didn’t take us long at all to dry completely…10 minutes tops. once we were dried off, we loaded into the car.
our next stop was the ninety-nine cents store. i laid bugg’s towel in the bottom of the cart and put him in it. he did really well riding around in the cart with all of the groceries. he was a very good dog and a very good sport. he was perfect until we got into the checkout line and a woman tried to touch him, even though i asked her not to. he didn’t like that one bit and barked at her, which prompted the cashier to make a comment. i responded by telling her that he was my therapy dog, which he is…that shut her up.
we loaded the groceries into the car and i got a tuna chopped salad from subway. i drove through mcdonald’s and got buggs a hamburger patty. we found a tiny patch of shade and parked in it. i enjoyed my salad and fed buggs little bites of burger, a little at a time. we hung out in the cool of the car a/c, listened to music, took photos, and texted friends.
we really didn’t want to go back to the apartment. we drew things out as long as possible. on the way back, we had to stop at circle k to pick up some water. we did that and then made our way back. once there, i unloaded the groceries and parked the car. by the time i got inside, my face was pouring sweat.
as i was trying to cool down and put my leg up. i got an email that was rather upsetting. i won’t go into detail, but i was left not knowing what to think. i’m completely confused and i think that it was just another source of frustration for me. i’d say that i’ll sleep on it and think about it in the morning, but we all know that i’m just not able to do that. i will be up all night thinking and worrying over such a stupid thing.
so, i’m going to take buggs for his final potty walk and take this ridiculousness into the other room, where i will fidget around and struggle with my thoughts…and that new fucking medication…remeron. i will try to take my mind off things by watching wentworth and patrolling for cockroaches.