december 25, 2017…

today, i am grateful for… 

…great friends who support and encourage me, and who love and accept me as i am…

…exciting adventures and explorations across the country… 

…my co-pilot and constant companion,  buggs and my co-co-pilot, j**s… 

…stories, memories, photos, and videos that i’ve been able to compile of our travels… 

…a place to stay and rest… 

…my car and the independence it gives me… 

…clean laundry… 

…food to eat… 

…my phone… 

…waking up to a good dream and being happy to get out of bed… 

i am not feeling my best right now, but my health has flourished over the last year. i am a little weary, but i am also antsy to begin another adventure. i am a little hesitant about where i am, but i am ready to be a true road warrior and make it my own for now. 

i am truly fierce and independent. i am full of curiosity and wonder. i am worthy of love and companionship. 

namaste. 

***this was from yesterday. i have the flu and fell asleep before publishing. tomorrow, i will be back and try to finish my gig harbor story and try to pick up the pace a little, as i am still on our second journey. in case anyone wonders, on our way back to nevada…after niagara falls, after the ocean that is lake erie, after columbus, after the gateway arch, and a three am harold and kumar-like white castle experience…we decided to get our kicks on route 66…and landed in oklahoma on thanksgiving day…spent some time with my friend l***a…and although no longer visiting l***a, we are still in oklahoma.***

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on a note unrelated to anything…

…that i’ve posted here…

(this is from a few days ago now)

i don’t want to to speak too soon and jinx anything or count my chickens before they’ve hatched.

i will say that today has been extraordinary. yes, it’s been a terrifying and thrilling rollercoaster ride.

i was pressed to the back of my seat, feet flat on the ground, and holding onto real objects to keep me grounded.

i’ve been thinking for days examining my thoughts, feelings, emotions, moods, intentions, body language, wants, needs.

today, i utilized my self-evident truths and chose to do things differently, but, not in a “george costanza,” kind of way.

two nights ago, i wrote my truths on index cards. i laid the cards out and arranged according to patterns i saw.

i took each pattern and made it into a paragraph. the paragraphs gave me a rough draft, a skeleton to flesh out.

it came easily, directly from the heart…a piece that clearly and accurately summed up everything, all of my truths.

it was accepted for publication on vocal.media last night, but i chose not to talk about it, until it had been read…

today, i was scared, but confident in my resolve to be okay, to hold it together, to continue to carry on, thrive, and grow…

regardless of the outcome of releasing these truths and realizations to their intended, their inspiration.

it was more of a proclamation than anything else. it was crystal clear, not vague, cluttered, or messy.

i had to blow-up the box from the inside and put it back together again, one piece at a time…

…without gaps, glue, or fasteners and re-craft it…seamlessly and masterfully into a work of art. and, i did!!

 

love languages…

…for some reason my therapist decided that we should talk about different “love languages.” i’m still not entirely sure why we were doing this, since i’m on “relationship restriction” and all. i’m so fucking confused by love and talk of love. quite honestly, i’m entirely clueless.

i’m full of love. i have lots of love to give…tons and tons. i give it to those that want and return it…buggs, my nephew, my nieces, my friends, my other dogs that live with my ex (cash and carly), strangers that i try to be kind to each day, even r*****d, and the girls. i even love myself now, finally after all of these years.

but, i still have this surplus…a giant surplus of love that just feels like it’s causing my heart to burst at the seams. i feel it. my heart feels full, tight, and engorged. there is so much there, none of it surface, all of it very-very deep…it’s dark blue, non-oxygenated, never released, donated, or given to another…thick, sticky, completely pure.

like i said, i feel it. it’s always there gnawing at me, reminding me, prodding me forward. this fullness in my chest makes me wonder why exactly i’m still on “restriction” and why on earth i’m still taking any of this strange approach to therapy so seriously still. the answer is that i’m not giving up on myself. i’m trying everything, until something works.

hee-hee-hee…someday my charm, wit, and love will get to someone. in the meantime, what do i do? well, i’m bidding and biding my time to make extra money to make my dreams a reality. i’m keeping an open heart and mind with these therapeutic tactics, even though i’m clearly not pleased with being treated like i’m less than…i march on.

so anyway, gary chapman wrote a book called, the five languages of love, in 1995. my therapist thought that i should take the profile test and see what my love language was. for some reason, she thought that i would learn something remarkable from discovering my “love language.” well, i guess that what i did discover was pretty surprising to me.

the following are taken directly from the website, but these are the five languages of love and their descriptions:

physical touch: “this language isn’t all about the bedroom. a person whose primary language is physical touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.”

quality time: “in the vernacular of quality time, nothing says, “i love you,” like full, undivided attention. being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the tv off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.”

words of affirmation: “actions don’t always speak louder than words. if this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. hearing the words, “i love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.”

acts of service: “can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? absolutely! anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “acts of service” person will speak volumes. the words he or she most want to hear: “let me do that for you.” laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.”

receiving gifts: “don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. if you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. a missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.”

okay, so i took the profile test, which if you’re interested in taking it, i’ve provided the link. the results of my profile test revealed the following score: 11 physical touch, 8 quality time, 8 words of affirmation, 2 acts of service, and 1 receiving gifts. so, for anyone keeping score…apparently, my love language is physical touch. i never knew that before.

apparently, i do best with physical touch and intimacy. i like to feel connection to my partner. of course, i also like quality time and words of affirmation, both make me feel loved and appreciated. i’m not big on receiving material gifts. i’m more into receiving gifts of love and gifts of the heart…that’s what matters to me.

 

july 28, 2017…

…today, i am grateful for…

…a decent night of sleep. i only woke up once at 0400. then, i went back to sleep. i watched house of cards last night and i didn’t even dream about it…progress!…

…an early morning walk with, buggs. it was really hot and humid, but we did it…

…two cups of coffee, enjoyed on the patio with buggs…

…such a nice, quiet morning, noon, and afternoon…without r*****d. j***y and i thought that he was sleeping, but he came walking in the door around 1600. it was really nice while it lasted…

…quiet time to use wisely this morning. i was able to fill my pill box. i was able to get more prescriptions refilled. i made a doctor’s appointment with my primary care physician. i put bids in for jobs making powerpoint presentations, naming products, and designing instagram pages on upwork for freelancers. i began writing a piece for tomorrow’s blog. i’ve nearly got the thing that i’ve been writing where i want it. i did all of my chores, cardio, and will workout tonight…

…my meditation this morning, that set the tone for the whole day…

today, my spirit is quiet. today, my mind was busy and satisfied. today, my heart is ready to love and be loved. (even though it is still on “relationship restriction.” i believe that what i really mean, is that each day…i love myself a little more…i think that maybe i finally believe that i am worthy enough to accept my own love…progress!)

namaste.

i live on a limited income…

***tonight, it seemed apropos to go through the things that i have written in the last year. i came across this little gem that i had written about, m****a.***

i live on a limited income

yes, sure that’s sometimes true of my finances…sometimes not…

but, what i speak of is much more existential, than anything else…

what i’m talking about is way more valuable to me than any currency…

it may have no value at all to you and in fact you’ve shown me that repeatedly…

i’m talking about the things that give my life authenticity and meaning…

the things that i either give myself, i earn, or i accept as gifts from others…

there are many of these things, but i will use love as an example…

i have a very limited amount of love in my life, it’s my most scarce commodity…

i absolutely, positively have to keep as much as i can for myself…

as i have only a small stipend coming in each month from friends and buggs…

i really don’t have any extra love to throw around willy-nilly…

if i use half of the love that i was going to use on myself, on you…

it’s because i wanted to and i thought that you were worth sharing with…

i didn’t expect you to share with me, but had a little left from the month before…

you liked it, you liked it a lot and wanted more, that made me happy. i obliged…

at the end of the third month, you came by with your hand out…

i looked deep within myself, in each and every place, and found no trace of love…

the love was gone, absolutely nothing for myself and nothing for you…

i looked up rather sheepishly, expecting to meet your gaze, but you were gone…

long gone…and there i was wondering how i could give to my own dog…

what i-myself had so foolishly and recklessly squandered, risking it all…

wondering how i could give him, what i no longer even had for myself…

in one movement, he was in my lap, licking my tears away…

in that moment, his sweet nature and kindness filled me…

filled me with more than enough love for both of us, he and i…

 

 

 

life is beautiful 2 – bookplate #64 and life is beautiful – bookplate #11…

Life Is Beautiful 2 Mural
life is beautiful 2 – bookplate #64
Life Is Beautiful Mural
life is beautiful – bookplate #11

the desert is a harsh and hostile environment filled with hard, sharp edges and pointy, piercing spikes.

it will harden you, if you let it. it will fry your skin to a thick, brown leather. it will age you quickly and brutally.

the desert will take everything that you have…your money, time, energy, kindness, compassion, and humanity.

it will leave you wondering and bewildered…searching…yearning…antsy…thirsting…uninspired and so alone.

the desert, this desert is the land of illusion, delusion, hallucination, smoke-in-mirrors, and mirage.

it leaves one always wondering…”was that real or was that a figment of my imagination?”

occassionally, the desert surprises you. she serves up some grand gesture, as if to make-up for being so hateful.

this mural was my breathtaking surprise one day. so, large and looming, but also fragile and delicate. beautiful!

as i was going through the photos to put into my book, i couldn’t decide between the two shots, so i included both.

i noticed that i had become really attached to this particular mural. it took me a long while, before it hit me.

there are three things in particular that make this piece special to me. it’s my favorite of all of my street art photos.

i am drawn to the colors and design. it’s kind of muted and washed-out. the placement on the hotel is interesting.

it’s right by a sign for prime rib…ironic. the hotel’s name is el cortez, which elicits good memories of san diego.

finally, the subject matter is so sweet, innocent, kind, and gentle. it’s juxtaposition with everything around is jarring, but it works well.

i guess there was one last thing. when i look at this piece, i see myself. i recognize myself as the robot or possibly my brain’s animatronic librarian. i feel the metallic posturing…the scanning for information gaze…and the lovable goofy, innocence that exists.

there is a bond between girl and robot. to me, it seems like the robot’s only concern is keeping a watch over the sleeping girl. the girl looks like she has been through a lot and just needs a safe place to rest. the robot is up to the task, with eyes wide open.

it’s an unlikely combination, but it works! and so, the robot watches over the girl with the beautiful, brown hair and there they are…for all the world to see…a gift from the vengeful desert.

 

the countess of the cortez…

…was a character vividly captured and played by lady gaga, for the american horror story: hotel saga. 

i was neither an admirer, nor fan of lady gaga before watching this particular season, but that quickly changed.

lady gaga played a vampire countess. her dialogue, wardrobe, and mannerisms had me completely mesmerized.

she captivated me, held my attention, and fueled my imagination. she was vampirically beautiful, stunning actually.

i was rather surprised – no, i was shocked as shit that lady gaga was such a masterful and intoxicating actress. i had no idea.

anyway, lady gaga…the countess of the cortez had many great lines of witty and colorful dialogue. here are some quotes…

“oh, honey. goddesses don’t speak in whispers. they scream.”

“why would i help you when it gives me so much joy to see you suffer?”

“you don’t lack beauty, you lack commitment.”

“you’d be amazed, the wondrous possibilities that could begin with a simple hello.”

“let me help you become who you were born to be: a goddess.”

“this isn’t a crisis… it’s an invitation for an adventure.”

“a woman can only be pushed so far, and i’m right on the edge.”

“we have two selves. one the world needs us to be — compliant — and the shadow. ignore it and life is forever suffering.”

“you may beat me, but you’re not getting out of here without a severe, life-long limp.”

“is there anything more beautiful than a sleeping child?”

“an emotion is like a flavor in my mouth. i can taste it. joy tastes like strawberries. hate is like ice chips in a martini. and love is rosewater. i enjoy them all except for one. betrayal. that has the taste of the char on a piece of burnt meat.”

“he’s full of rage. I can still smell it. like copper.”

“you’re the only woman i’ve ever met whose blood smells like walnuts.”

“we’re destined for something more… intimate.”

“you will learn, it isn’t our precious virus that makes you. it isn’t who you kill or who you screw. it’s the heartbreaks.”