i’m just sitting here…

…i’m not even in the shade. why, you ask? because there is no shade in the god damn desert. there is just sun, hot fucking sun.

…there’s nothing lush and green here. no beautiful, majestic, mystical trees or forests. absolutely no chance of unicorns.

…it’s hot, motherfucking hot. did i mention that? the wind whips like hot licorice-scorching the hairs inside my nose.

…it bleeds quickly and easily, at will with the dryness and heat. my nostrils now have splits from inhaling dusty desert.

…what lives and thrives in the desert? cockroaches…shit tons of cockroaches. i’ve never lived with bugs before…disgusting!!

…i look at the people…lizards…dried up, leathery, wrinkled, brown, shriveled, old-even if young. no sunscreen, no sunglasses.

…colonies of humans, live like ants under the city. tunnels are home for thousands. you can smell them when the wind is right.

…no place for someone with “peaches and cream skin,” as my mother used to say. i feel myself baking, sizzling in the sun. 

…this place petrifies. it hardens you, like it or not. it spreads a dirty-gritty-oily crust over you, that gets in your dry-dry eyes.

…i feel dirty. bugs, people, dirt…i scrub and scrub and i just can’t feel it. i can’t feel clean. i just want to feel clean again.

…i want to be clean. i want to be understood. i want to be accepted as i am. i want to be free. i just want to go home.

i think a lot…

i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.

things that i didn’t think about at all.

things that i thought way too much about.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.

giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.

giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined. 

things that i screwed myself out of.

things that cannot be replaced.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.

things that have improved my health and strength. 

things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.

things that i am looking forward and ahead to.

things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.

the tribe has not spoken…

during the last couple of weeks, with my plan interrupted, my “football” being yanked away, and having watched, 13 reasons why…i decided that it might behoove me to add something extra, in addition to my therapy.

my “football” is gone. it’s hard for me to know when i will be able to borrow a car, so, an outside of the apartment, support group is out of the question, until after may 1. i scoured the internet for a highly recommended, safe, online support group.

after about two hours, i found a pretty wonderful site, that came highly recommended, was safe, and had a really nice and easy to use interface…it reminds me of what i would imagine a mental health, “facebook,” would look like.

they have online therapists available and suggestions for therapists, in your area. they have nine groups: addiction, anxiety, depression, hiv/aids, lgbtq, marriage and family, ocd, teen, and wellness. they have chat rooms and private chat capabilities. 

it is called, “*** ***** ******** ********.” it boasts 68,407 members. it is a really beautiful and interactive site. i really like it as far as design and content. whomever designed the site and came up with the wellness activities, had great ideas.

however, there is one HUGE, glaring problem…no one really has anything to say!! i have looked around in chat rooms, group pages, etc. i am a member of four groups: anxiety, depression, lgbtq, and wellness. 

the first thing that i did was introduce myself, in a paragraph that i posted on my page and all four groups. not one person replied. i did make two blog posts and one person commented on each post. i replied and “friended” them.

i decided to really go through and look at things…i began in the lgbtq group. what i found, broke my heart. i found people reaching out, putting themselves out there, and no comments/replies. some people asking repeatedly over several days.

i think what made things even more sad, were the number of children, under the age of 18, who were not in the teen group…because they were picked on for being gay or asking questions about their sexuality. 

i decided that it was inappropriate to “talk” to the kids, but what i did do was start replying to the adults that had been reaching out to anybody/everybody. suddenly, i began receiving friend requests and responses. 

these were people just like me, they just needed to know that someone cared, and that they were not alone. i found that in my attempt to comfort others, i myself was comforted. i found that in my attempt to be a friend, i received friends. 

i now have eight “new friends,” that i have something very much in common with. we have weathered our own personal “storms” together. whether or not, we ever even “speak” again…we will always know that we made it…

…the tribe has not spoken…

up…

i could get used to this…

it’s quiet, like it’s never been before.

i love the dead of night…

or is it, the butt-crack of early morning?

i just know that it was 1:57…

and, now the clock says 2:03.

i realize that i’ve lost six minutes…

that i’m never going to get back again.

i can see the future clearly…

without the extraneous sound.

i know that it’s full of coffee…

and then perhaps, a deep sleep.

i know that i’m restless and ready to roam…

to go back to that place, my heart calls home.

no one knows for sure…

…what’s going on in someone else’s life.

the hurt that’s hidden behind a tearful smile.

the loneliness gnawing away at the most fragile soul.

the sadness held between the awkward lines of casual conversation.

…unless they stop and ask.
 

13 reasons why (part two)…

is a new netflix original series. i highly recommend it to parents and non-parents, to anyone really. 

it follows all that’s involved in the student-life at fictional, liberty high school, which is located in a small, nondescript town.

i want to talk about the show, but i also don’t want to give any of it’s important storylines away.

i will say that there are 13 reasons why the main character decides to take the course of action that she does.

the series revolves around the action, talking about it as a past event, and weaves it’s way backwards to the action itself.

it portrays different stereotypical students: jocks, cheerleaders, student council, nerds, rebels, gays, and outcasts.

the series is broken into 13 separate, but intermingled storylines about 13 different, but enmeshed individuals.

it takes 13 different events, performed by 13 different people to create the “perfect storm” of emotional “fallout.”

in the end, everyone’s lives were truly changed forever. that one person, taught them all how it felt to be “less than.”

how it felt to be bullied, to be invisible, to be friendless, to be unheard, to not be believed, and to be lonely…very lonely.

it touched me and moved me in so many ways. i have gone through each of those feelings. i still go through some of them.

i experienced those feelings, not in high school, but rather at church, within my own family, and in other “relationships.”

i understand, hannah baker. i feel her hurt, her vulnerability, her willingness to keep looking for a reason to stay.

what i understand the most is the fact that she just wanted someone to come after her, to just give her that glimmer of hope. 

she just wanted someone to care enough to really see her, talk to her, hear her, and give her their time…be her friend.