…”reunited and it feels so good!!” my god i missed my co-pilot!! i would find myself in room 3479, reaching out to pet somebody that wasn’t there. i found myself wanting to talk to him and watch his ears and facial expressions. i found myself saving a small piece of turkey sausage for him.
and then, it hit me hard. i was very lonely, sure…but, i was completely alone. i was sad, absolutely…because i was alone…completely alone…singular. no one at all familiar, no one. i received encouragement from friends on facebook, which made me feel much better. i received messages from the girls, that helped too.
r*****d called me once. my sister and p**l texted me. neither my dad nor my therapist answered my text messages to them. buggs was not there, neither was p**l, he is a roofer and was roofing. it’s really hard to give an emergency contact, when you just don’t have one. to clarify, i’m not having a pity party. i’m stating the facts.
when they had me fill out the consent forms for admission and procedures…i made sure that they knew that i was “dnr.” i never again want my life “saved” by a ventilator. it changed me profoundly. i am not the same person that i once was. save the cpr for someone else. just let me go…
i thought long and hard about buggs and where i would want him to go…to be loved, cherished, and cared for. i made a short list of people that i knew would love him and care for him in my absence: p**l, w***y, s***h, j**s, g***e, and l***a. i knew that he would be loved, pampered, and spoiled by them.
there was one person who was generally, always “there” for me, both night and day. and although we have never met, she is/was always there for me and vice versa. she is an er nurse. she is smart and calm and very soothing. j**s has been both a comfort and a blessing to me.
yes, i know…i have a long history with “catfishes.” don’t worry! i have verified that j**s is indeed, a “real” person. i am however, still on “self-imposed,” relationship restriction. (just so that everyone knows, i “broke up” with that therapist. she turned out to be more destructive to me, than beneficial.). i am choosing to be single and waiting.
to me, it doesn’t really matter if i ever meet j**s or not. yes, i do want to meet her, but it is not absolutely necessary. we have a great friendship that works for both of us. we listen, share, laugh, cry, and just enjoy each other’s company. she gave me great advice in the hospital and helped me to make good decisions and choices for myself.
albeit, i did not tell her that i listed myself, as “dnr.” i guess that even though she’s an er nurse and comes across this shit everyday, she’s a fighter. she believes in fighting to hold onto life, until the bitter end. i suppose that i was ashamed or embarrassed about my choice and sharing it with her. i figured if something happened, she would be notified.
maybe, i sound cold hearted or calloused, with my own life…judge me if you will. but, until you sit with someone in agonizing pain, who wished that they had never chosen to sustain life, prolonging the inevitable with a feeding tube, because that’s what made the family most comfortable, with the death process…you will never know or understand where i am coming from.
already having my life sustained once and being forever changed by the experience…i never ever want that for myself again. death does not scare me. i am unafraid to die. however, i am afraid to live with certain conditions, which i have discussed before. no, i am not talking about taking my own life here. i am talking about surrendering to the natural process of death and dying.
one hundred years ago, people just died of natural causes. their bodies just gave up for one reason or another. they were not kept alive by others, who could never even begin to imagine what goes on in one’s mind as a body that has gone into full surrender mode (soul preparing to leave body) and then, is mechanically or physically reversed to become alive and thrive…speaking as one who knows…if there is such a thing as hell, my mind was engulfed in hellfire and brimstone.
anyway, i ended up being torn between two exes, both of whom i thought were the best fits to give, buggs, kindness, love and care. w***y, because she already knows him, loves him, and is bonded to him. and, s***h, because she is very in tune with pet behaviors…she can spot changes in diet and health…and, she provides exemplary medical care and nutrition for optimal health and wellness.
so obviously, nothing bad happened or went wrong. i am among the living. although released from the hospital, i am in an extraordinary amount of pain. having never suffered from back pain a day in my life, i suddenly cannot make a move involving any kind of movement generated from my lowerback. these movements include: getting up and down from seated or laying position, shifting, sitting up straight, standing, walking, sitting, and standing.
i am in a great deal of physical pain, but yet, i am with, buggs. buggs is my comfort. he is my co-pilot, my companion, my family. i can be happy and grateful, wherever he is. because even though i have no “real home” to speak of, i have my dreams and my goals and my buggs. i have found that home is wherever, buggs, is. and for right this very moment, buggs, is in montana.