back with buggs…

…”reunited and it feels so good!!” my god i missed my co-pilot!! i would find myself in room 3479, reaching out to pet somebody that wasn’t there. i found myself wanting to talk to him and watch his ears and facial expressions. i found myself saving a small piece of turkey sausage for him.

and then, it hit me hard. i was very lonely, sure…but, i was completely alone. i was sad, absolutely…because i was alone…completely alone…singular. no one at all familiar, no one. i received encouragement from friends on facebook, which made me feel much better. i received messages from the girls, that helped too.

r*****d called me once. my sister and p**l texted me. neither my dad nor my therapist answered my text messages to them. buggs was not there, neither was p**l, he is a roofer and was roofing. it’s really hard to give an emergency contact, when you just don’t have one. to clarify, i’m not having a pity party. i’m stating the facts.

when they had me fill out the consent forms for admission and procedures…i made sure that they knew that i was “dnr.” i never again want my life “saved” by a ventilator. it changed me profoundly. i am not the same person that i once was. save the cpr for someone else. just let me go…

i thought long and hard about buggs and where i would want him to go…to be loved, cherished, and cared for. i made a short list of people that i knew would love him and care for him in my absence: p**l, w***y, s***h, j**s, g***e, and l***a. i knew that he would be loved, pampered, and spoiled by them.

there was one person who was generally, always “there” for me, both night and day. and although we have never met, she is/was always there for me and vice versa. she is an er nurse. she is smart and calm and very soothing. j**s has been both a comfort and a blessing to me.

yes, i know…i have a long history with “catfishes.” don’t worry! i have verified that j**s is indeed, a “real” person. i am however, still on “self-imposed,” relationship restriction. (just so that everyone knows, i “broke up” with that therapist. she turned out to be more destructive to me, than beneficial.). i am choosing to be single and waiting.

to me, it doesn’t really matter if i ever meet j**s or not. yes, i do want to meet her, but it is not absolutely necessary. we have a great friendship that works for both of us. we listen, share, laugh, cry, and just enjoy each other’s company. she gave me great advice in the hospital and helped me to make good decisions and choices for myself.

albeit, i did not tell her that i listed myself, as “dnr.” i guess that even though she’s an er nurse and comes across this shit everyday, she’s a fighter. she believes in fighting to hold onto life, until the bitter end. i suppose that i was ashamed or embarrassed about my choice and sharing it with her. i figured if something happened, she would be notified.

maybe, i sound cold hearted or calloused, with my own life…judge me if you will. but, until you sit with someone in agonizing pain, who wished that they had never chosen to sustain life, prolonging the inevitable with a feeding tube, because that’s what made the family most comfortable, with the death process…you will never know or understand where i am coming from.

already having my life sustained once and being forever changed by the experience…i never ever want that for myself again. death does not scare me. i am unafraid to die. however, i am afraid to live with certain conditions, which i have discussed before. no, i am not talking about taking my own life here. i am talking about surrendering to the natural process of death and dying.

one hundred years ago, people just died of natural causes. their bodies just gave up for one reason or another. they were not kept alive by others, who could never even begin to imagine what goes on in one’s mind as a body that has gone into full surrender mode (soul preparing to leave body) and then, is mechanically or physically reversed to become alive and thrive…speaking as one who knows…if there is such a thing as hell, my mind was engulfed in hellfire and brimstone.

anyway, i ended up being torn between two exes, both of whom i thought were the best fits to give, buggs, kindness, love and care. w***y, because she already knows him, loves him, and is bonded to him. and, s***h, because she is very in tune with pet behaviors…she can spot changes in diet and health…and, she provides exemplary medical care and nutrition for optimal health and wellness.

so obviously, nothing bad happened or went wrong. i am among the living. although released from the hospital, i am in an extraordinary amount of pain. having never suffered from back pain a day in my life, i suddenly cannot make a move involving any kind of movement generated from my lowerback. these movements include: getting up and down from seated or laying position, shifting, sitting up straight, standing, walking, sitting, and standing.

i am in a great deal of physical pain, but yet, i am with, buggs. buggs is my comfort. he is my co-pilot, my companion, my family. i can be happy and grateful, wherever he is. because even though i have no “real home” to speak of, i have my dreams and my goals and my buggs. i have found that home is wherever, buggs, is. and for right this very moment, buggs, is in montana.

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it’s glaringly obvious…

…there is not a place for me…

…i do not have a home…

…i do not even have a dream of home…

…i do not fit…

…i do not belong…

…i am a stranger…

…i am strange…

…i stand out like a sore thumb…

…i am different…

…an acquired taste…

…good, only in small doses…

…there is nothing and nowhere…

…when you don’t belong…

…you just don’t belong…

…to anything…

…or to anyone…

…you are just alone…

…alone…

…very much so…

 

a very irritated single here…

…and, i’d say that that is stating it nicely. i’m actually pretty shocked and sickened. for you see, both coffee and bagels are very special to me. they hold importance and meaning and are dear to my heart.

the other day a very well-meaning friend sent me a link and told me to try it and see if i liked it. needless to say, it was a link for a dating app. i’ve tried to explain to my friend that i’m on “relationship restriction,” but she doesn’t understand the sentiment.

i very hesitatingly agreed to try it and see what i thought. i didn’t want to, but gave in. so anyway, a little bit later this stupid, motherfucking link appeared in my email. i was instantly irritated by the ridiculous, sickening attempt to be cutesy, contrived name…

coffee meets bagel 😝😡😠

against my better judgement, i humored my friend and checked the ridiculous site out. i spent five minutes on the site and ascertained that i was supposed to be “coffee.” which only meant that potential women to date were supposed to be…you guessed it…”bagels.”

that realization was really disturbing to me for many reasons. i got pissed off and tried to withdraw myself from their system. i received a flashing red box that informed me that by leaving the site i could be, “walking away from ‘my special bagel’.”

and, that was the last bit of painful irony that i expected to be sitting alone with all that day…and, the next day, yesterday, and today. and no, it wasn’t the fact that i left that stupid site and those “faux bagels” behind. it’s something else altogether. something that i’m sorry for. something that brought me to this point.

coffee and bagels are special. they should be treated as such. “coffee meets bagel,” is a contrived manipulation. i love my friend, but good god…she lacked judgement on this one.

devoid…

and, i feel it sometimes

or, i think that i feel it

it’s like a phantom organ

my mind knows

that it’s not there

but, left in it’s place

damaged nerve endings

and thick scar tissue

like to play games

with my senses

needling and burning

pulsating and throbbing

a prolonged and perpetual

dull toothache-like hurt

it’s long, long gone

and, yet somehow i manage

to keep going without it

but, i know that i’m

altogether lacking

a very vital part

i know that i am devoid

 

 

 

i’m just sitting here…

…i’m not even in the shade. why, you ask? because there is no shade in the god damn desert. there is just sun, hot fucking sun.

…there’s nothing lush and green here. no beautiful, majestic, mystical trees or forests. absolutely no chance of unicorns.

…it’s hot, motherfucking hot. did i mention that? the wind whips like hot licorice-scorching the hairs inside my nose.

…it bleeds quickly and easily, at will with the dryness and heat. my nostrils now have splits from inhaling dusty desert.

…what lives and thrives in the desert? cockroaches…shit tons of cockroaches. i’ve never lived with bugs before…disgusting!!

…i look at the people…lizards…dried up, leathery, wrinkled, brown, shriveled, old-even if young. no sunscreen, no sunglasses.

…colonies of humans, live like ants under the city. tunnels are home for thousands. you can smell them when the wind is right.

…no place for someone with “peaches and cream skin,” as my mother used to say. i feel myself baking, sizzling in the sun. 

…this place petrifies. it hardens you, like it or not. it spreads a dirty-gritty-oily crust over you, that gets in your dry-dry eyes.

…i feel dirty. bugs, people, dirt…i scrub and scrub and i just can’t feel it. i can’t feel clean. i just want to feel clean again.

…i want to be clean. i want to be understood. i want to be accepted as i am. i want to be free. i just want to go home.

i think a lot…

i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.

things that i didn’t think about at all.

things that i thought way too much about.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.

giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.

giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined. 

things that i screwed myself out of.

things that cannot be replaced.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.

things that have improved my health and strength. 

things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.

things that i am looking forward and ahead to.

things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.