the countess of the cortez…

…was a character vividly captured and played by lady gaga, for the american horror story: hotel saga. 

i was neither an admirer, nor fan of lady gaga before watching this particular season, but that quickly changed.

lady gaga played a vampire countess. her dialogue, wardrobe, and mannerisms had me completely mesmerized.

she captivated me, held my attention, and fueled my imagination. she was vampirically beautiful, stunning actually.

i was rather surprised – no, i was shocked as shit that lady gaga was such a masterful and intoxicating actress. i had no idea.

anyway, lady gaga…the countess of the cortez had many great lines of witty and colorful dialogue. here are some quotes…

“oh, honey. goddesses don’t speak in whispers. they scream.”

“why would i help you when it gives me so much joy to see you suffer?”

“you don’t lack beauty, you lack commitment.”

“you’d be amazed, the wondrous possibilities that could begin with a simple hello.”

“let me help you become who you were born to be: a goddess.”

“this isn’t a crisis… it’s an invitation for an adventure.”

“a woman can only be pushed so far, and i’m right on the edge.”

“we have two selves. one the world needs us to be — compliant — and the shadow. ignore it and life is forever suffering.”

“you may beat me, but you’re not getting out of here without a severe, life-long limp.”

“is there anything more beautiful than a sleeping child?”

“an emotion is like a flavor in my mouth. i can taste it. joy tastes like strawberries. hate is like ice chips in a martini. and love is rosewater. i enjoy them all except for one. betrayal. that has the taste of the char on a piece of burnt meat.”

“he’s full of rage. I can still smell it. like copper.”

“you’re the only woman i’ve ever met whose blood smells like walnuts.”

“we’re destined for something more… intimate.”

“you will learn, it isn’t our precious virus that makes you. it isn’t who you kill or who you screw. it’s the heartbreaks.”


excerpts from a letter…

dear k,

i’m going to say this to you with love and i hope that you will listen.

do you remember that eeyore attitude that i warned you about? i’m going to gently re-remind you of it now. 

if you like people…if you value your friendships…if you ever decide to pursue someone…

pull your head out of your ass!! wake up and smell the coffee. people like you, as you are…goofiness, quirkiness, and all. 
don’t repeatedly ask the same questions. your friends are strong minded and have opinions. they will tell you what they think.

don’t tell people things that make them wonder what they mean. don’t tell them that you don’t want to scare them away, because you will. instead, show them that you want them to stay. actions speak louder than words.

don’t self-sabotage!! don’t kick yourself in the ass later, because you were too afraid to try. you are confident. you begin confident. you stay confident. if you can relax and be yourself, you will always know that you were you…at the best and the worst. when you give others you, you give them the best that you have to offer.

you are not a victim…not to family dynamics, not to catfishes, not to the desert, not to therapy, not to sickness, not to finances, not to weight or physical ability…you are not a victim to anyone or anything other than your own fear and self-sabotages.

don’t talk down about yourself. don’t sell yourself short. don’t be eeyore or debby downer. don’t be negative. don’t whine or complain. don’t bitch and moan. don’t devalue yourself or others. don’t use absolutes. don’t use should. don’t assume anything. don’t second guess. don’t question motives.

you’re positive and vibrant. be positive, stay positive. give the benefit of the doubt. listen more than you speak. be understanding. be uplifting. be a joy to be around. be honest always, even about health issues. be caring.

give space. let others miss you. never push or ask for more than anyone is willing to share or give. be patient. be kind. be supportive and encouraging. give others what they need from you, as they make these things known.

don’t always be so available. you work, they work…yes, you have more freedom, but you have real responsibilities to yourself, your dog, and others. you have deadlines to keep. you have financial obligations and very big plans. they aren’t going to like you less, if you are available less…if they do, you have the freedom to adjust. if you continue to be so available, people are going to think that you do absolutely nothing all day.

keep a schedule. keep your medication box filled. keep up on your shots. get a good night of sleep each night. make and keep an exercise schedule…give it your all everyday, reasonably. try not to skip meals. nourish your body with healthy food. keep cutting out the sugar and carbs, it has done wonders. try to have salad every night for dinner. get yourself as healthy and physically fit as possible before you meet anyone new or old.

don’t be sad and sappy thinking that you’ll never find someone to click with, accepting defeat as if it has already occurred. if you sow the seeds of suggestion and sabotage, they will surely grow. instead, be your best everyday!! be happy and secure, as you are. show evidence that you are…be happy, be secure. show them YOU (!!!).  you’re a diamond, be willing to sparkle in their presence!!! DID YOU HEAR ME??? YOU’RE A MOTHERFUCKING DIAMOND…BE THAT DIAMOND AND SPARKLE…GOD DAMN YOU…SPARKLE!!!

give yourself a chance, be the change that you wish to see in your life. embrace your short-comings and flaws, as well as gifts and talents. love yourself and others will love you too.

in the immortal words of michael scott…”…never ever, ever give up.” michael never gave up, even after he let holly go. he was patient and he waited and they reunited.

the same thing with jim and pam. jim was in love with pam, but pam was with roy. jim took a chance and put it all out there on the line. pam turned him down. jim transferred to stamford to get away from the heartbreak of pam and roy getting married. pam called off her wedding to roy, because of jim. jim came back to scranton and pam was free, but jim was with karen. pam saw jim and karen together and got back together with roy. roy found out that jim kissed pam and broke up with pam. roy went after jim and karen found out that jim was still in love with pam. jim and pam finally got together.

the office is not real life and everybody doesn’t always magically end up with someone special like that. but, never give up. 

exercise, wear yourself out. work yourself silly. quit overthinking and overdoing. PLEASE!!! because you’re going to blow opportunities!!! you deserve to be happy!!! take responsibility for yourself…continue to do the motherfucking work…this is your life…the last half of your motherfucking life…WAKE UP!!!

make each day your own. make each day your best. put your best foot forward and march. put your game face on. meet each challenge head on. don’t have a chip on your shoulder. don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. be good to yourself. be good to others.



…when i think about waiting my mind always goes to my childhood reference…sam’s butcher shop on, the brady bunch television show

of course, it was that way in real life, too…but, i think that i’ve spent a lot of time at sam’s marvelling at the 1970’s-wholesomeness of it all. it makes me be okay with waiting. it gives me patience. it reinforces my gratitude. it makes me feel safe. it gives me hope that when it is finally my turn, that there will be something really fucking wonderful…for me.

you see everyone at sam’s is pleasant and friendly. sam tells stories and chats everybody up. everybody is waiting, but they’re quite happy and content…because they all know that sam has exactly what they need and he’s procured and saved it, just for them.

so, just like everybody in line ahead of me and behind me…i’m waiting. today, i’m waiting for answers. yesterday, i was waiting for a check. tomorrow, i’m going to wake up at six am needing to use the bathroom and sure, as shit…i’ll be waiting for the bathroom, too.

when i wait in sam’s line, i matter…people notice me and treat me with kindness and respect. i can and will wait for all that i want and all that i want to accomplish, but i choose to wait at sam’s.

i know that when sam greets me with his smiling face and gregarious spirit, he’ll nod and flash me a knowing wink, and say, “i’ve waited a long time for you!! i’ll be right back.” he’ll go to his office and open the door…and beckon me back, once and for all to explore.

i think a lot…

i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.

things that i didn’t think about at all.

things that i thought way too much about.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.

giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.

giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined. 

things that i screwed myself out of.

things that cannot be replaced.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.

things that have improved my health and strength. 

things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.

things that i am looking forward and ahead to.

things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.

life is surprising…

…never in a million years did i ever expect to have the kind of visit that i just had with my old high school friend and neighbor, l***a.

i knew that i would enjoy my visit. i knew that we would catch up and have fun, but there were a lot of unknowns lurking around out there, too.

would her husband like me? would i have “verbal diarrhea,” talk too much? would i “swear like a sailor.” would she accept me, as i was now, as opposed to how i was?

what would i do with buggs? if i brought him along, would he behave? i knew i’m stronger and healthier, but would i be physically able to do all and keep up?

l***a later confided, that she was worried that i wouldn’t like her, as much as i used to…that she was boring…and that, we wouldn’t have anything to talk about.

while each of us were truly excited to see one another. we each worried about the perceived “worst” parts of ourselves…as some women tend to do.

not all, but some women, can only see or focus on areas of their lives/personas that they feel or see as being “less than,” and completely overlook areas of “more than.”

sometimes, we think that we’re the only ones, and just believe the lies that we think about ourselves. we don’t tend to share these feelings. they create vulnerability. 

as we actually lounged poolside on red, velvety, chaise lounges…we talked about our worries regarding our visit, we both felt relieved, and we laughed.

l***a called my attention to this matter. she said that we needed to focus more on our strengths, less on our weaknesses, and support each other, and others like us.

what i love about l***a today, is what i’ve always loved about her. she isn’t afraid to share, to talk about anything, to be vulnerable, to listen, accept, and love.

she came here for many reasons, but one of her reasons was me. she told me right away, that while there, she was going to be my emotional support person.

she was. i hope that i was kind of that for her, too. she and her husband shared their kindness, compassion, humor, stories, laughter, support, and love with me.

when i say that they spoiled me rotten. they did. i tried to help, but was turned away. she looked at me and told me that she wanted to share what she had with me.

she touched me way deep down in my soul and the tears nearly began. there were endless amounts of hugs, assistance with bags and buggs, and not pity, but love.

i know that even after all these years, the wonderful and lovely qualities that make l***a, l***a…still make her, her. we were able to pick-up right where we left off.

it was easy!! it was fun!! it was epic!! e**c is one of the kindest, funniest, and gracious men i’ve ever met. they make a great pair. l***a finally found love and she deserves it.

seeing them happy together, just recently married, fills me with hope. it took their romance several years of knowing each other to finally unfold…but it did.

l***a and e**c, i love you both and miss our adventures, conversations, and laughter!! i will be coming out to visit you very soon. thank you so much!!

l***a i will always love you for accepting me for being a lesbian, in 1992. i’m just sorry that i didn’t tell you first. i was scared that i would lose you as a friend.

thank you for your enduring love and friendship…i love my friend ❤❤❤.