life is strange…

…i find myself still in oklahoma, after having arrived on thanksgiving day last year…two thousand seventeen.

i guess that i am making my rounds of living in states ending in the letter “a”…california, montana, nevada, oklahoma…the odd one out is washington. washington is my home.

i am taking a break and sitting by the window. i am watching as ice pellets hit the glass and ricochet off. the street is slick and thick with ice. my car’s windshield is frozen.

coming from the desert this is very foreign to me…however, i do prefer the cold to the hot. i like having changes in the weather and seasons. it makes life more exciting and adventurous.

i spent the morning looking at instagram. i saw all of the lovely and beautiful photographs of my talented, pacific northwest peers. now, i am completely homesick.

i long for trees and forests…for clean air and fresh smells. i miss portland saturday market, saint cupcake, thanh thao. i want to go camping and drive on the beach.

buggs is snuggled up on my chest, as i stretch my arms out trying to write this. he is very comfortable…sleeping soundly. i am not. i need to shift. i do and he lets out a low growl.

the wind is howling outside like i have never heard before. j**s told me that the wind was howling at the fort and that it sounded hopeless. well, the wind here seems to be calling buggs and i to mystery, intrigue, and adventure.

life is strange…





our second journey photos, part six…ritzville, wa to couer d’alene, id to saltese, mt to alberton, mt…

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our second journey, part eleven…gig harbor, wa to bremerton, wa…

so, there buggs and i were…surrounded by the beauty of the harbor and the forests. i walked around and took photos.

i felt weird physically. i was having a shooting pain going down my lower spine and it hurt to walk.

i also felt weird psychically…like something was lost or gone and like things were beginning to shift.

i got into the car with buggs, sat down, and smelled the sea air…i was home and it was beautiful. i missed it so.

then, i just felt overwhelming sadness and a sense of loss. the tears came down my cheeks and i sat there sobbing.

when i was finally able to pull it halfway together…which was hard because i was sleep starved.

i made an online reservation at a hotel in bremerton and pointed the car in that general direction.

we drove by the naval yards and saw the big ships and aircraft carriers. we were listening to j**s’s playlist.

by the time we got to the hotel, i could barely walk and i was beginning to slur my words and not make any sense.

i stumbled into the lobby to get the key and nearly dropped to the floor from the excruciating pain that i felt.

i got buggs and i situated and i began writing about everything that i was feeling and thinking.

even though my body had no sleep, my mind was awake and writing and creating. i was wired and focused.

i put my hand in my pocket and pulled out the carefully folded hearts. i took photos and wrote about them.

i stayed up all night and went to asleep finally at about 0300. 0900 came around and i had to crawl to the bathroom.

i couldn’t walk and standing wasn’t much better, i took a hot bath in hopes that it would make things better. it did.

we decided that we weren’t ready to leave home yet and ended up recuperating there for a few days.

more tomorrow…

our second journey, part ten…gig harbor, wa…

brunch was over and my friend was gone and that was that. i reached into my pocket and felt something familiar. it was the art project that i so happily created for her the valentine’s day before last…so 2016.

the paper was very soft and delicate. the project was tie dyed hearts of different sizes and colors made from coffee filters. it was a throw back or homage to our texting valentine’s day “date.” we imagined the date and “talked” about it.

it all started because she was talking about how times used to be. she waxed nostalgic about handmade paper valentines and kids having boxes to receive them in. she had me imagine finding a very particular valentine.

it was a handmade paper heart…decorated with yarn and ribbon and sparkly glitter. i “opened” it and it said, “will you be my valentine?” it had three words with three boxes inside. the words were yes, no, or maybe so.

i imagined the card and how special and honored i would feel to have received it. i was instructed to check the appropriate box and give it back to her. i thought about it for a moment and then wholeheartedly checked “yes.”

so anyway, three of the nine hearts that i made had words on them “yes,” “no,” and “maybe so.” all of them traveled with me from montana to nevada to gig harbor…across the country to niagara falls (the site of jim and pam’s wedding).

i felt those hearts that were carefully folded up in my pocket. i brought them with me to give to her. i made them for her and thought that she should have them. not as anything other than a purely platonic gift.

however, i held back…something stopped me. i didn’t know what it was at the time or even for months later. a few days ago it occurred to me that those hearts are now a part of me. i didn’t give them away because they’re mine.

they are mine. i have carried them with me. they are a part of me. this journey has changed me profoundly. they belong to me and i will choose “yes” everytime now. i choose myself…my own lovely, kind, remarkable heart.

more tomorrow…

the countess of the cortez…

…was a character vividly captured and played by lady gaga, for the american horror story: hotel saga. 

i was neither an admirer, nor fan of lady gaga before watching this particular season, but that quickly changed.

lady gaga played a vampire countess. her dialogue, wardrobe, and mannerisms had me completely mesmerized.

she captivated me, held my attention, and fueled my imagination. she was vampirically beautiful, stunning actually.

i was rather surprised – no, i was shocked as shit that lady gaga was such a masterful and intoxicating actress. i had no idea.

anyway, lady gaga…the countess of the cortez had many great lines of witty and colorful dialogue. here are some quotes…

“oh, honey. goddesses don’t speak in whispers. they scream.”

“why would i help you when it gives me so much joy to see you suffer?”

“you don’t lack beauty, you lack commitment.”

“you’d be amazed, the wondrous possibilities that could begin with a simple hello.”

“let me help you become who you were born to be: a goddess.”

“this isn’t a crisis… it’s an invitation for an adventure.”

“a woman can only be pushed so far, and i’m right on the edge.”

“we have two selves. one the world needs us to be — compliant — and the shadow. ignore it and life is forever suffering.”

“you may beat me, but you’re not getting out of here without a severe, life-long limp.”

“is there anything more beautiful than a sleeping child?”

“an emotion is like a flavor in my mouth. i can taste it. joy tastes like strawberries. hate is like ice chips in a martini. and love is rosewater. i enjoy them all except for one. betrayal. that has the taste of the char on a piece of burnt meat.”

“he’s full of rage. I can still smell it. like copper.”

“you’re the only woman i’ve ever met whose blood smells like walnuts.”

“we’re destined for something more… intimate.”

“you will learn, it isn’t our precious virus that makes you. it isn’t who you kill or who you screw. it’s the heartbreaks.”

excerpts from a letter…

dear k,

i’m going to say this to you with love and i hope that you will listen.

do you remember that eeyore attitude that i warned you about? i’m going to gently re-remind you of it now. 

if you like people…if you value your friendships…if you ever decide to pursue someone…

pull your head out of your ass!! wake up and smell the coffee. people like you, as you are…goofiness, quirkiness, and all. 
don’t repeatedly ask the same questions. your friends are strong minded and have opinions. they will tell you what they think.

don’t tell people things that make them wonder what they mean. don’t tell them that you don’t want to scare them away, because you will. instead, show them that you want them to stay. actions speak louder than words.

don’t self-sabotage!! don’t kick yourself in the ass later, because you were too afraid to try. you are confident. you begin confident. you stay confident. if you can relax and be yourself, you will always know that you were you…at the best and the worst. when you give others you, you give them the best that you have to offer.

you are not a victim…not to family dynamics, not to catfishes, not to the desert, not to therapy, not to sickness, not to finances, not to weight or physical ability…you are not a victim to anyone or anything other than your own fear and self-sabotages.

don’t talk down about yourself. don’t sell yourself short. don’t be eeyore or debby downer. don’t be negative. don’t whine or complain. don’t bitch and moan. don’t devalue yourself or others. don’t use absolutes. don’t use should. don’t assume anything. don’t second guess. don’t question motives.

you’re positive and vibrant. be positive, stay positive. give the benefit of the doubt. listen more than you speak. be understanding. be uplifting. be a joy to be around. be honest always, even about health issues. be caring.

give space. let others miss you. never push or ask for more than anyone is willing to share or give. be patient. be kind. be supportive and encouraging. give others what they need from you, as they make these things known.

don’t always be so available. you work, they work…yes, you have more freedom, but you have real responsibilities to yourself, your dog, and others. you have deadlines to keep. you have financial obligations and very big plans. they aren’t going to like you less, if you are available less…if they do, you have the freedom to adjust. if you continue to be so available, people are going to think that you do absolutely nothing all day.

keep a schedule. keep your medication box filled. keep up on your shots. get a good night of sleep each night. make and keep an exercise schedule…give it your all everyday, reasonably. try not to skip meals. nourish your body with healthy food. keep cutting out the sugar and carbs, it has done wonders. try to have salad every night for dinner. get yourself as healthy and physically fit as possible before you meet anyone new or old.

don’t be sad and sappy thinking that you’ll never find someone to click with, accepting defeat as if it has already occurred. if you sow the seeds of suggestion and sabotage, they will surely grow. instead, be your best everyday!! be happy and secure, as you are. show evidence that you are…be happy, be secure. show them YOU (!!!).  you’re a diamond, be willing to sparkle in their presence!!! DID YOU HEAR ME??? YOU’RE A MOTHERFUCKING DIAMOND…BE THAT DIAMOND AND SPARKLE…GOD DAMN YOU…SPARKLE!!!

give yourself a chance, be the change that you wish to see in your life. embrace your short-comings and flaws, as well as gifts and talents. love yourself and others will love you too.

in the immortal words of michael scott…”…never ever, ever give up.” michael never gave up, even after he let holly go. he was patient and he waited and they reunited.

the same thing with jim and pam. jim was in love with pam, but pam was with roy. jim took a chance and put it all out there on the line. pam turned him down. jim transferred to stamford to get away from the heartbreak of pam and roy getting married. pam called off her wedding to roy, because of jim. jim came back to scranton and pam was free, but jim was with karen. pam saw jim and karen together and got back together with roy. roy found out that jim kissed pam and broke up with pam. roy went after jim and karen found out that jim was still in love with pam. jim and pam finally got together.

the office is not real life and everybody doesn’t always magically end up with someone special like that. but, never give up. 

exercise, wear yourself out. work yourself silly. quit overthinking and overdoing. PLEASE!!! because you’re going to blow opportunities!!! you deserve to be happy!!! take responsibility for yourself…continue to do the motherfucking work…this is your life…the last half of your motherfucking life…WAKE UP!!!

make each day your own. make each day your best. put your best foot forward and march. put your game face on. meet each challenge head on. don’t have a chip on your shoulder. don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. be good to yourself. be good to others.



…when i think about waiting my mind always goes to my childhood reference…sam’s butcher shop on, the brady bunch television show

of course, it was that way in real life, too…but, i think that i’ve spent a lot of time at sam’s marvelling at the 1970’s-wholesomeness of it all. it makes me be okay with waiting. it gives me patience. it reinforces my gratitude. it makes me feel safe. it gives me hope that when it is finally my turn, that there will be something really fucking wonderful…for me.

you see everyone at sam’s is pleasant and friendly. sam tells stories and chats everybody up. everybody is waiting, but they’re quite happy and content…because they all know that sam has exactly what they need and he’s procured and saved it, just for them.

so, just like everybody in line ahead of me and behind me…i’m waiting. today, i’m waiting for answers. yesterday, i was waiting for a check. tomorrow, i’m going to wake up at six am needing to use the bathroom and sure, as shit…i’ll be waiting for the bathroom, too.

when i wait in sam’s line, i matter…people notice me and treat me with kindness and respect. i can and will wait for all that i want and all that i want to accomplish, but i choose to wait at sam’s.

i know that when sam greets me with his smiling face and gregarious spirit, he’ll nod and flash me a knowing wink, and say, “i’ve waited a long time for you!! i’ll be right back.” he’ll go to his office and open the door…and beckon me back, once and for all to explore.