boom…

without realizing or planning it…i have planted little, ticking, time bombs all around me…both online and in real life. no, i am not talking about literal bombs that destroy physically. i am talking about figurative bombs that trigger emotionally.

this morning, i was texting with j**s and i received a facebook notification. it told me that i had a memory from two years ago. normally, i don’t click and look, but for some reason i did today. i clicked and found a photo that i had taken two years ago today.

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i am guessing most people would not have given it a second thought, but me, i can’t stop thinking about it. these little bombs come in the form of photos, texts, emails, music, quotes, symbols, numbers, sounds, smells, tastes, touches, surroundings, and activities.

they trigger me emotionally and take me right back to that place, person, or thing. i remember exactly where i was and what i was thinking, feeling, and doing. i remember every little detail of every little thing. once i am triggered, i have a hard time turning it all off.

i had traveled to gillette, wyoming for a second, third, and fourth date. i got this room at a nice hotel for $45 on priceline. i remember calling and letting my date know that i had arrived. then i scurried madly around my room trying to get ready.

this whole thing was brand new to me…driving at all…(since I really didn’t do too much of that when i was with my ex) being out and about independently (since i had been with my ex for almost 10 years)…and dating…it had been at least 10 years since i had dated anyone.

at the time, i was much heavier. i was weak and in pretty poor health. i couldn’t walk even 1/10 of a mile without stopping and everytime i went up a flight of stairs…i was left doubled over, while huffing and puffing. my date, a nurse was terrified for me.

no one had expected anything of me in years and apparently, i expected nothing from myself as well. the previous 8 years or so…i lived with my ex and self soothed with food, while blowing up like a blimp, getting more and more unhealthy…waiting to die.

by the time my date arrived, i was exhausted, sweating profusely, and breathless. i was quite the prize!! thinking back, i don’t even know how i got this woman to go out with me in the first place or why after seeing me on the first date, she invited me for more.

there was a knock on my door. my stomach flip-flopped and my heart felt like it may explode. i opened the door and in bounded an exuberant, firey soul…she embraced me with a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. she was excited to see me. i was shocked.

she was wearing a poncho and jeans with some kind of lace-up moccasins. when we hugged, i smelled patchouli and something spicy. an obvious beauty with long brown hair and smoldering brown eyes. i stood there on sensory overload, absorbing her energy.

she came to take me back to her place. i wasn’t wearing shoes but had socks on. i had two pairs of slip-on vans on the floor, but i was a little shaky. she asked me which pair i wanted i went back and forth a few times. she picked up the black pair and slid them on my feet.

she drove us over to her place where her son was waiting. we got there and sat down to watch a “hunger games” movie. i don’t remember which one because i fell asleep within minutes and snored the whole time. i woke up when fingers ran through my hair.

she took me back to my hotel and we sat comfortably on the couch. her legs were over my lap and i rubbed her ankle, while she showed me the video of her best friend’s wedding. (***and oh my god…in this very moment…2024 of 03.11.2018…i have just come to a realization.***) i remember doing exactly what i had done on our first date, what i had done on the phone once that i regret, and what i did at our brunch together. i kept telling her something like, “you know, you can go now. you do not have to stay here on my account.” fuck…i am a douchebag and an asshole!! and now, i absolutely don’t know why, but she kissed me with her lips that tasted like coconut chapstick. i did not deserve that.

and with that brand new revelation, this ticking, time bomb has exploded, and left my mind working overtime and my heart with a new hole in it…

…boom…

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excerpts from a letter…

dear k,

i’m going to say this to you with love and i hope that you will listen.

do you remember that eeyore attitude that i warned you about? i’m going to gently re-remind you of it now. 

if you like people…if you value your friendships…if you ever decide to pursue someone…

pull your head out of your ass!! wake up and smell the coffee. people like you, as you are…goofiness, quirkiness, and all. 
don’t repeatedly ask the same questions. your friends are strong minded and have opinions. they will tell you what they think.

don’t tell people things that make them wonder what they mean. don’t tell them that you don’t want to scare them away, because you will. instead, show them that you want them to stay. actions speak louder than words.

don’t self-sabotage!! don’t kick yourself in the ass later, because you were too afraid to try. you are confident. you begin confident. you stay confident. if you can relax and be yourself, you will always know that you were you…at the best and the worst. when you give others you, you give them the best that you have to offer.

you are not a victim…not to family dynamics, not to catfishes, not to the desert, not to therapy, not to sickness, not to finances, not to weight or physical ability…you are not a victim to anyone or anything other than your own fear and self-sabotages.

don’t talk down about yourself. don’t sell yourself short. don’t be eeyore or debby downer. don’t be negative. don’t whine or complain. don’t bitch and moan. don’t devalue yourself or others. don’t use absolutes. don’t use should. don’t assume anything. don’t second guess. don’t question motives.

you’re positive and vibrant. be positive, stay positive. give the benefit of the doubt. listen more than you speak. be understanding. be uplifting. be a joy to be around. be honest always, even about health issues. be caring.

give space. let others miss you. never push or ask for more than anyone is willing to share or give. be patient. be kind. be supportive and encouraging. give others what they need from you, as they make these things known.

don’t always be so available. you work, they work…yes, you have more freedom, but you have real responsibilities to yourself, your dog, and others. you have deadlines to keep. you have financial obligations and very big plans. they aren’t going to like you less, if you are available less…if they do, you have the freedom to adjust. if you continue to be so available, people are going to think that you do absolutely nothing all day.

keep a schedule. keep your medication box filled. keep up on your shots. get a good night of sleep each night. make and keep an exercise schedule…give it your all everyday, reasonably. try not to skip meals. nourish your body with healthy food. keep cutting out the sugar and carbs, it has done wonders. try to have salad every night for dinner. get yourself as healthy and physically fit as possible before you meet anyone new or old.

don’t be sad and sappy thinking that you’ll never find someone to click with, accepting defeat as if it has already occurred. if you sow the seeds of suggestion and sabotage, they will surely grow. instead, be your best everyday!! be happy and secure, as you are. show evidence that you are…be happy, be secure. show them YOU (!!!).  you’re a diamond, be willing to sparkle in their presence!!! DID YOU HEAR ME??? YOU’RE A MOTHERFUCKING DIAMOND…BE THAT DIAMOND AND SPARKLE…GOD DAMN YOU…SPARKLE!!!

give yourself a chance, be the change that you wish to see in your life. embrace your short-comings and flaws, as well as gifts and talents. love yourself and others will love you too.

in the immortal words of michael scott…”…never ever, ever give up.” michael never gave up, even after he let holly go. he was patient and he waited and they reunited.

the same thing with jim and pam. jim was in love with pam, but pam was with roy. jim took a chance and put it all out there on the line. pam turned him down. jim transferred to stamford to get away from the heartbreak of pam and roy getting married. pam called off her wedding to roy, because of jim. jim came back to scranton and pam was free, but jim was with karen. pam saw jim and karen together and got back together with roy. roy found out that jim kissed pam and broke up with pam. roy went after jim and karen found out that jim was still in love with pam. jim and pam finally got together.

the office is not real life and everybody doesn’t always magically end up with someone special like that. but, never give up. 

exercise, wear yourself out. work yourself silly. quit overthinking and overdoing. PLEASE!!! because you’re going to blow opportunities!!! you deserve to be happy!!! take responsibility for yourself…continue to do the motherfucking work…this is your life…the last half of your motherfucking life…WAKE UP!!!

make each day your own. make each day your best. put your best foot forward and march. put your game face on. meet each challenge head on. don’t have a chip on your shoulder. don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. be good to yourself. be good to others.

BE HAPPY AND BE SECURE…YOU DESERVE IT…YOU’VE EARNED IT!!!

waiting…

…when i think about waiting my mind always goes to my childhood reference…sam’s butcher shop on, the brady bunch television show

of course, it was that way in real life, too…but, i think that i’ve spent a lot of time at sam’s marvelling at the 1970’s-wholesomeness of it all. it makes me be okay with waiting. it gives me patience. it reinforces my gratitude. it makes me feel safe. it gives me hope that when it is finally my turn, that there will be something really fucking wonderful…for me.

you see everyone at sam’s is pleasant and friendly. sam tells stories and chats everybody up. everybody is waiting, but they’re quite happy and content…because they all know that sam has exactly what they need and he’s procured and saved it, just for them.

so, just like everybody in line ahead of me and behind me…i’m waiting. today, i’m waiting for answers. yesterday, i was waiting for a check. tomorrow, i’m going to wake up at six am needing to use the bathroom and sure, as shit…i’ll be waiting for the bathroom, too.

when i wait in sam’s line, i matter…people notice me and treat me with kindness and respect. i can and will wait for all that i want and all that i want to accomplish, but i choose to wait at sam’s.

i know that when sam greets me with his smiling face and gregarious spirit, he’ll nod and flash me a knowing wink, and say, “i’ve waited a long time for you!! i’ll be right back.” he’ll go to his office and open the door…and beckon me back, once and for all to explore.

i think a lot…

i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.

things that i didn’t think about at all.

things that i thought way too much about.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.

giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.

giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined. 

things that i screwed myself out of.

things that cannot be replaced.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.

things that have improved my health and strength. 

things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.

things that i am looking forward and ahead to.

things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.

the tribe has not spoken…

during the last couple of weeks, with my plan interrupted, my “football” being yanked away, and having watched, 13 reasons why…i decided that it might behoove me to add something extra, in addition to my therapy.

my “football” is gone. it’s hard for me to know when i will be able to borrow a car, so, an outside of the apartment, support group is out of the question, until after may 1. i scoured the internet for a highly recommended, safe, online support group.

after about two hours, i found a pretty wonderful site, that came highly recommended, was safe, and had a really nice and easy to use interface…it reminds me of what i would imagine a mental health, “facebook,” would look like.

they have online therapists available and suggestions for therapists, in your area. they have nine groups: addiction, anxiety, depression, hiv/aids, lgbtq, marriage and family, ocd, teen, and wellness. they have chat rooms and private chat capabilities. 

it is called, “*** ***** ******** ********.” it boasts 68,407 members. it is a really beautiful and interactive site. i really like it as far as design and content. whomever designed the site and came up with the wellness activities, had great ideas.

however, there is one HUGE, glaring problem…no one really has anything to say!! i have looked around in chat rooms, group pages, etc. i am a member of four groups: anxiety, depression, lgbtq, and wellness. 

the first thing that i did was introduce myself, in a paragraph that i posted on my page and all four groups. not one person replied. i did make two blog posts and one person commented on each post. i replied and “friended” them.

i decided to really go through and look at things…i began in the lgbtq group. what i found, broke my heart. i found people reaching out, putting themselves out there, and no comments/replies. some people asking repeatedly over several days.

i think what made things even more sad, were the number of children, under the age of 18, who were not in the teen group…because they were picked on for being gay or asking questions about their sexuality. 

i decided that it was inappropriate to “talk” to the kids, but what i did do was start replying to the adults that had been reaching out to anybody/everybody. suddenly, i began receiving friend requests and responses. 

these were people just like me, they just needed to know that someone cared, and that they were not alone. i found that in my attempt to comfort others, i myself was comforted. i found that in my attempt to be a friend, i received friends. 

i now have eight “new friends,” that i have something very much in common with. we have weathered our own personal “storms” together. whether or not, we ever even “speak” again…we will always know that we made it…

…the tribe has not spoken…