boom…

without realizing or planning it…i have planted little, ticking, time bombs all around me…both online and in real life. no, i am not talking about literal bombs that destroy physically. i am talking about figurative bombs that trigger emotionally.

this morning, i was texting with j**s and i received a facebook notification. it told me that i had a memory from two years ago. normally, i don’t click and look, but for some reason i did today. i clicked and found a photo that i had taken two years ago today.

Capture+_2018-03-11-12-53-38

i am guessing most people would not have given it a second thought, but me, i can’t stop thinking about it. these little bombs come in the form of photos, texts, emails, music, quotes, symbols, numbers, sounds, smells, tastes, touches, surroundings, and activities.

they trigger me emotionally and take me right back to that place, person, or thing. i remember exactly where i was and what i was thinking, feeling, and doing. i remember every little detail of every little thing. once i am triggered, i have a hard time turning it all off.

i had traveled to gillette, wyoming for a second, third, and fourth date. i got this room at a nice hotel for $45 on priceline. i remember calling and letting my date know that i had arrived. then i scurried madly around my room trying to get ready.

this whole thing was brand new to me…driving at all…(since I really didn’t do too much of that when i was with my ex) being out and about independently (since i had been with my ex for almost 10 years)…and dating…it had been at least 10 years since i had dated anyone.

at the time, i was much heavier. i was weak and in pretty poor health. i couldn’t walk even 1/10 of a mile without stopping and everytime i went up a flight of stairs…i was left doubled over, while huffing and puffing. my date, a nurse was terrified for me.

no one had expected anything of me in years and apparently, i expected nothing from myself as well. the previous 8 years or so…i lived with my ex and self soothed with food, while blowing up like a blimp, getting more and more unhealthy…waiting to die.

by the time my date arrived, i was exhausted, sweating profusely, and breathless. i was quite the prize!! thinking back, i don’t even know how i got this woman to go out with me in the first place or why after seeing me on the first date, she invited me for more.

there was a knock on my door. my stomach flip-flopped and my heart felt like it may explode. i opened the door and in bounded an exuberant, firey soul…she embraced me with a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. she was excited to see me. i was shocked.

she was wearing a poncho and jeans with some kind of lace-up moccasins. when we hugged, i smelled patchouli and something spicy. an obvious beauty with long brown hair and smoldering brown eyes. i stood there on sensory overload, absorbing her energy.

she came to take me back to her place. i wasn’t wearing shoes but had socks on. i had two pairs of slip-on vans on the floor, but i was a little shaky. she asked me which pair i wanted i went back and forth a few times. she picked up the black pair and slid them on my feet.

she drove us over to her place where her son was waiting. we got there and sat down to watch a “hunger games” movie. i don’t remember which one because i fell asleep within minutes and snored the whole time. i woke up when fingers ran through my hair.

she took me back to my hotel and we sat comfortably on the couch. her legs were over my lap and i rubbed her ankle, while she showed me the video of her best friend’s wedding. (***and oh my god…in this very moment…2024 of 03.11.2018…i have just come to a realization.***) i remember doing exactly what i had done on our first date, what i had done on the phone once that i regret, and what i did at our brunch together. i kept telling her something like, “you know, you can go now. you do not have to stay here on my account.” fuck…i am a douchebag and an asshole!! and now, i absolutely don’t know why, but she kissed me with her lips that tasted like coconut chapstick. i did not deserve that.

and with that brand new revelation, this ticking, time bomb has exploded, and left my mind working overtime and my heart with a new hole in it…

…boom…

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remeron rumination (part two)…

…this is an excerpt from an email…

i fell asleep and hit my head on my desk. that woke me up really quick, but didn’t keep me awake. i sat there at my desk paralyzed, holding onto my phone. i proceeded to drop it and pick it up at least 7 times before convincing myself that lying down was the best idea for me. i laid down and went to sleep instantly. but, soon my mind was stuck in wentworth…an australian women’s prison. (the series that i’m currently watching on netflix.). and yes, i’m a prisoner…falsely accused of murder and being held prior to my trial. it’s horrible and terrifying. the women have a whole hierarchy and set of rules for life and daily living with one woman being chosen to be the “top dog.” she makes the rules. she gives out the punishments or rewards. she is equal parts brutal, ruthless, kind, and benevolent. she is a force to be reckoned with. anyway, in my dream…i was “ganged” in the shower, by the group of nasty, disgusting lesbians that call themselves “the boys.” it was vivid and pretty horrible. i could smell my own blood and feel it as it escaped my body. “the top dog” came and found me lying there bleeding out on the shower stall floor. she sat on the floor next to me and held me in her arms. i remember that at that moment, i was filled with a peace, calm, and security that i had never before known. i knew that i would be safe from that point on…and, cared about. i felt her touch my face and it felt really nice…but then, it tickled and felt really weird. that’s when my eyes popped open and i looked down and saw something rather large and black dangling from my c-pap hose. i instantly recognized the profile and color and tore my c-pap mask off and threw it across the room. it was a motherfucking cockroach!! it ran across my face…i’m completely disgusted and can’t take a shower or would wake everyone. the first chance i get…i need to get away from the “plagues and pestilence” of the desert. the desert makes me feel so dirty, like i can never really get clean enough..

i think a lot…

i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.

things that i didn’t think about at all.

things that i thought way too much about.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.

giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.

giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined. 

things that i screwed myself out of.

things that cannot be replaced.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.

things that have improved my health and strength. 

things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.

things that i am looking forward and ahead to.

things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.

nine (three-threes)…

accesible

bare

exposed

*********

open

24/7

365

*********

awake

alert 

alive

*********

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

respects

treasures

values

*********

brave

fearless

unafraid

*********

appreciates

enjoys

relishes

*********

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

renewed 

revolutionized

transformed

*********

restless

vigilant

wakeful

*********

abiding 

lingering

remaining

*********

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷