remeron rumination (part two)…

…this is an excerpt from an email…

i fell asleep and hit my head on my desk. that woke me up really quick, but didn’t keep me awake. i sat there at my desk paralyzed, holding onto my phone. i proceeded to drop it and pick it up at least 7 times before convincing myself that lying down was the best idea for me. i laid down and went to sleep instantly. but, soon my mind was stuck in wentworth…an australian women’s prison. (the series that i’m currently watching on netflix.). and yes, i’m a prisoner…falsely accused of murder and being held prior to my trial. it’s horrible and terrifying. the women have a whole hierarchy and set of rules for life and daily living with one woman being chosen to be the “top dog.” she makes the rules. she gives out the punishments or rewards. she is equal parts brutal, ruthless, kind, and benevolent. she is a force to be reckoned with. anyway, in my dream…i was “ganged” in the shower, by the group of nasty, disgusting lesbians that call themselves “the boys.” it was vivid and pretty horrible. i could smell my own blood and feel it as it escaped my body. “the top dog” came and found me lying there bleeding out on the shower stall floor. she sat on the floor next to me and held me in her arms. i remember that at that moment, i was filled with a peace, calm, and security that i had never before known. i knew that i would be safe from that point on…and, cared about. i felt her touch my face and it felt really nice…but then, it tickled and felt really weird. that’s when my eyes popped open and i looked down and saw something rather large and black dangling from my c-pap hose. i instantly recognized the profile and color and tore my c-pap mask off and threw it across the room. it was a motherfucking cockroach!! it ran across my face…i’m completely disgusted and can’t take a shower or would wake everyone. the first chance i get…i need to get away from the “plagues and pestilence” of the desert. the desert makes me feel so dirty, like i can never really get clean enough..

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i think a lot…

i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.

things that i didn’t think about at all.

things that i thought way too much about.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.

giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.

giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined. 

things that i screwed myself out of.

things that cannot be replaced.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.

things that have improved my health and strength. 

things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.

things that i am looking forward and ahead to.

things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.

nine (three-threes)…

accesible

bare

exposed

*********

open

24/7

365

*********

awake

alert 

alive

*********

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

respects

treasures

values

*********

brave

fearless

unafraid

*********

appreciates

enjoys

relishes

*********

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

renewed 

revolutionized

transformed

*********

restless

vigilant

wakeful

*********

abiding 

lingering

remaining

*********

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

from the patio…

wind blowing. 

my hair unruly.

sitting outside.

wearing a thermal.

it fit at christmas.

now it’s too big.

jet roaring.

over my head it flies.

neighbor says, “hello.”

children are yelling.

songbirds singing.

buggs sees me.

he licks the door.

sky hanging.

clouds billowing. 

trees dance in the breeze.

here i am now.

time’s a-wasting.

daylight’s going fast.

hand’s empty. 

heart’s full.

hurry please.

i’m a-waiting.