devoid…

and, i feel it sometimes

or, i think that i feel it

it’s like a phantom organ

my mind knows

that it’s not there

but, left in it’s place

damaged nerve endings

and thick scar tissue

like to play games

with my senses

needling and burning

pulsating and throbbing

a prolonged and perpetual

dull toothache-like hurt

it’s long, long gone

and, yet somehow i manage

to keep going without it

but, i know that i’m

altogether lacking

a very vital part

i know that i am devoid

 

 

 

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nonsense…

hot…

steady boil…

slowly burning skin…

scorched, beyond all recognition…

hurt…

all consuming…

aches, pains, fatigue…

curiosity killed the cat…

sad…

sinking feeling…

stuck in quicksand…

can’t fight, can’t flight…

stupid…

slow witted…

really very challenged…

broken heart lies bleeding…  

numb and dumb…

i’ve got a lot to say, but every thought escapes me right now. so, instead of me just rambling and saying absolutely nothing of importance like usual, i’m just going to share two things that one of my friends recently shared with me. 

and, there you have it…

me – a cowardly pussy, pretending to be a tiger (not how my friend meant it, but how i feel)

may 18, 2017…

…it was a weird morning. i sat parked on tree lined avenue, waiting for my scheduled pick-up. i listened celebratorily to my favorite song, wish i knew you, by the revivalists.

…the song ended and a very somber disc jockey came on the air and announced, “chris cornell, leader singer of soundgarden, audioslave, and temple of the dog is dead at age 52.”

…i was left sad and numb. i was both surprised and not surprised, as a lot of the great recording artists of my generation have succumb to depression, drugs, and untimely deaths.

…the thread of commonality was very astutely ascertained and written about by the writer of a blog, whose post i will be sharing. i have to say that some of his words really hit home for me.

…yes, the post was about chris cornell, but also about other great artists that defined my generation. but, at the end of the post his words became really applicable to me, too…as a person who has also struggled. 

rest in peace chris cornell

this writer hit the nail on the head. please read if you care to…i believe that the huge takeaway for me was about the depression, despair, and anxiety of my generation. the fact that being a depressed person, feeling despair, feeding on hope, but not wanting to burden anyone…and, instead trying to swallow it down and hide it…becomes all too exhausting and psychically painful to endure. explained in those terms, i get it…i really get it. i have been there myself.

rough session…

…by the time i left…

…my eyes felt reduced to raisins…

…wrinkled by the sun…

…i could taste the salt on my lips…

…from dried, streams of tears…

…i wanted to run far away…

…to hide myself and my iniquities… 

…my transgressions and overall failures…

…i sat there and listened…

…i didn’t leave or “leave”…

…it was a rough session…

the tribe has not spoken…

during the last couple of weeks, with my plan interrupted, my “football” being yanked away, and having watched, 13 reasons why…i decided that it might behoove me to add something extra, in addition to my therapy.

my “football” is gone. it’s hard for me to know when i will be able to borrow a car, so, an outside of the apartment, support group is out of the question, until after may 1. i scoured the internet for a highly recommended, safe, online support group.

after about two hours, i found a pretty wonderful site, that came highly recommended, was safe, and had a really nice and easy to use interface…it reminds me of what i would imagine a mental health, “facebook,” would look like.

they have online therapists available and suggestions for therapists, in your area. they have nine groups: addiction, anxiety, depression, hiv/aids, lgbtq, marriage and family, ocd, teen, and wellness. they have chat rooms and private chat capabilities. 

it is called, “*** ***** ******** ********.” it boasts 68,407 members. it is a really beautiful and interactive site. i really like it as far as design and content. whomever designed the site and came up with the wellness activities, had great ideas.

however, there is one HUGE, glaring problem…no one really has anything to say!! i have looked around in chat rooms, group pages, etc. i am a member of four groups: anxiety, depression, lgbtq, and wellness. 

the first thing that i did was introduce myself, in a paragraph that i posted on my page and all four groups. not one person replied. i did make two blog posts and one person commented on each post. i replied and “friended” them.

i decided to really go through and look at things…i began in the lgbtq group. what i found, broke my heart. i found people reaching out, putting themselves out there, and no comments/replies. some people asking repeatedly over several days.

i think what made things even more sad, were the number of children, under the age of 18, who were not in the teen group…because they were picked on for being gay or asking questions about their sexuality. 

i decided that it was inappropriate to “talk” to the kids, but what i did do was start replying to the adults that had been reaching out to anybody/everybody. suddenly, i began receiving friend requests and responses. 

these were people just like me, they just needed to know that someone cared, and that they were not alone. i found that in my attempt to comfort others, i myself was comforted. i found that in my attempt to be a friend, i received friends. 

i now have eight “new friends,” that i have something very much in common with. we have weathered our own personal “storms” together. whether or not, we ever even “speak” again…we will always know that we made it…

…the tribe has not spoken…