haha…no, i didn’t forget…

…that your birthday has come and gone with no mention from me. i had something that i had written in honor of your forty-forth birthday. however, april twenty-ninth was not a good day for me.

i woke up tired but okay at a friend’s house. i was up most of the night…first playing cards and then just not being able to sleep. it was just so hot and muggy. i talked to j**s until i finally fell asleep.

around two pm, i began feeling not quite right. i was dizzy and lightheaded. i had a very low grade fever and began sweating profusely. my friend offered me dinner and i picked at it a little bit. i ate some broccoli, a bite of potato, a roll.

then the room felt like it was spinning and i laid my head down on the table. i felt like i was going to vomit. my friend brought a big, green, deep bowl and placed it by my head. as soon as she did that, i began vomitting uncontrollably.

after about ten minutes i felt good enough to sit outside and vape and talk to j**s. i remember picking myself up off of the ground and that i hit my head. i remember walking into the bathroom to get a wet washcloth.

the feeling came over me again and i vomited uncontrollably into her bathtub. finally, i felt good enough to drive myself back to where i was staying. i went directly into the backyard and proceeded to vomit.

i remember falling and hit my head a second time. then i got up…only to repeat falling and hitting my head for the third time. i laid on my back on the concrete patio slab and vomited uncontrollably.

it would pour out with half of it streaming down my face and into my hair and ears…and the other half getting sucked back in. i was choking. finally someone came out and rolled me face down into the grass where it continued.

finally, i was able to pick myself up and someone gave me a wet washcloth and clean shirt. i was taken to the weatherford, oklahoma emergency room. i was given zofran and sent on my merry way. i was given no fluids.

i got back to where i was staying and passed out in a recliner until the evening of the next day. when i woke up every bone and muscle in my body ached. i had a horrible headache and absolutely no apetite.

i have terrible neuropathy in my feet. my meds don’t seem to help much anymore. i saw an ad for cbd oil and thought that i might be able to use something natural to help with the awful pain that i feel.

i vaped the cbd oil. initially, it seemed to help…but apparently that was the culprit that made me so sick. it interfered with how things were metabolized in my liver and kept me from making you a birthday post.

so, i didn’t forget!! i thought of you often throughout your day and celebrated you in my mind and in my heart. i hope that you enjoyed a wonderful day surrounded by family and friends. You deserve the very best that life has to offer.

happy belated birthday…to you…

 

 

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this time of year…

…was difficult for me last year. i broke up with with a cheater last february, after having enjoyed a wonderful “imaginary” valentine’s day text and photo “date” with a very special person the previous year.

as i have said several times, that person made me see and feel things differently than i ever have. that person brought me back to a time of innocence…a time of handmade, paper valentine’s placed into decorated boxes in a classroom.

i was presented with the image of an imaginary valentine’s day card. it asked if i would be that person’s valentine and on it were three boxes next to three short words/phrases; yes, no, maybe so. i was instructed to choose one.

of course, i chose yes! there was really nothing in the world that i wanted more, than to be that person’s valentine. it was a magical day for me, filled with electronic images of puffy unicorn and heart stickers with lots of glitter.

this year, i have embraced that notion of innocence and sweetness, once again. i have found myself collecting bits of this and scraps of that to create the perfect, handmade, paper valentine for someone special, who chose to be…

…my valentine this year. my valentine has been present in my life in a big way everyday for nearly ten months now. that’s right, it’s j**s. j**s and buggs and i have traveled all over the country together and have had many adventures.

we share each other’s secrets and goals and dreams. we support and encourage one another. we make each other laugh and we bounce ideas off of one another. and no, we have never physically met, but look forward to doing so someday.

life is so fucking funny! since being in oklahoma, i have made several brand new friends, whom i am getting to know better each day. i have to say that they are all very kind and accepting and funny and unique. they make me smile!

we get together in the evenings and do things like play cards (especially phase ten), work on puzzles, have potlucks, go out for fried onion burgers at shorty’s, or work on crafts. we are going to be having a valentine’s day party.

and, guess what…we are all making specially decorated boxes to receive valentines in and some of us are making handmade, paper valentines. i am enjoying this! this is great fun! my life has once again come about full circle.

valentine’s day this year will be sweet, with no bitter whatsoever. i have a special valentine who is worthy of my “heart.” i have new friends who share my love of games and puzzles and crafts. and, i have my love bugg(s).

i wish everyone a very happy valentine’s day!!

 

i am so excited…

i just got a call from my friend, l***a, that used to be my neighbor. she was calling to remind me that, she and her husband will be arriving next sunday.

i hadn’t forgotten. i’d been looking forward to it, but it got pushed to the back of my mind, with everything that’s been going on lately. 

she told me to have my list ready of all of the fun things that we can do and see. her husband has a conference and she will have a rental car. we can just go anywhere.

i am so excited to see my old friend of about 35 years. the last time i saw her was in 1994, 23 years ago. i am also excited to meet her new husband.

hope is all around me. i need to focus on that more and less on extraneous things that are ultimately of no consequence. i am really trying…

check…

another step.

checked off the list.

accomplished in 38 minutes. 

nice ladies at dmv.

photo lady agreed to.

make me look cute.

they require you to. 

remove your spectacles.

as they use.

facial recognition software. 

apparently, i have a super-duper.

motherfucking, enchanced license.

woo-hoo.

it killed me.

more than you will ever know.

to surrender, my super-cute.

washington state driver’s license. 

i keep telling myself.

onward, upward, forward.

eyes on the prize.

the complete package of self-love.

health…home…happiness.

four and a half months.

i can do that. 

i’ve fucking got this.

august…august…august.

then, i’m clicking my heels.

and, going the fuck home.

a very different person. 

than that person.

that was displaced.

healthy, strong, valid, capable.

wise, knowing, healed, confident.

and, since i enjoy “v-words.”

vivid, valuable, vivacious, victorious. 

we are young…

well, here i am at elements salon, in lovely…downtown henderson, nevada. 

and, a song…not just any song came on. it’s not a song that i hear very much on the radio anymore. it was huge in 2012.

that was the year that i lost sixty pounds and met my parents in pasco, washington. we stayed for a weekend with my aunt and uncle. 

it was the year before my mom’s als diagnonsis. she was still able to talk, eat, and drink…her speech was a little bit slurred, but she was still a dynamo.

i remember being in craft warehouse, with my mom and aunt. they were looking for quilting fabric. i was looking at art supplies, which i absolutely love.

it was so hot and i was melting, big time. i’m not talking about a dainty bit of perspiration, or even a sweaty-stinky man sweat. i didn’t smell bad or stink.

but, i was absolutely melting, like an ice cube, in a frying pan…drenched, through all of my clothes…face bright red, with riverlets of sweat, pouring from my head.

my hair plastered to my head, i swept it out of my eyes, and made eye contact with my mom. she gave me a quizzical look and whispered, “what’s wrong with you?”

i discreetly whispered that it was menopause and i was having a hot flash. i thought that since she was my mom and been through it, that she would be kind.

but, she looked at me again and laughed out loud. then, she yelled over to my aunt, “s**i, she’s going through menopause,” while laughing and pointing.

at the time, i was pretty much mortified. but, when i look back now, it was one of a handful of times that i saw my mom truly happy, and independent of my father.

anyway, i’m here watching j***y get her haircut. i heard a song that made me happy and i wanted to share it with you. it’s just one of those songs for me.

the song…we are young…by fun.

well apparently, it’s my turn…maybe i’ll bypass the ‘2’ and go for the ‘0’…😜

Track art

We Are Young (feat. Janelle Monáe)

Fun.



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Lyrics

Give me a second I
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking about a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down, I’ll carry you home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know that I’m not
All that you got, I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a tab
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Just carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Just carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)

The world is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight

Track art

We Are Young (feat. Janelle Monáe)

Fun.



Buy for $1.29

Subscribe

Start Free Radio

Subscribe to Google Play Music and listen to this song and millions of other songs. First month free.

Lyrics

Give me a second I
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking about a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down, I’ll carry you home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know that I’m not
All that you got, I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a tab
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Just carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Just carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)

The world is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight

march 27, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…waking up before dawn and taking buggs on a really long walk. it was nice and cool out. there was a really nice breeze. it smelled like rain, which is a smell that i miss so badly. it started sprinkling while we were walking and i just soaked it in…

…four cups of coffee that i enjoyed outside on the patio, while still enjoying the smell of rain and the cool breeze. i sat out there all morning and wrote, while buggs curled up in his round fleecey bed, at my feet…

…the nice brunch that wendy prepared for us…

…more quiet time with just buggs and i. i was able to row and meditate, as well as take buggs for about seven potty walks. i have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life and this last year, and i spent most of the day taking “time outs” to be truly mindful, as different feelings, thoughts, and memories came up. i’m trying to listen to my gut and intuition, as i make important decisions about and for my future…

…time to finish watching the last three episodes of breaking bad, which i began four years ago and am just getting around to finishing. it helps me to take my mind off of all of my problems and i am grateful for that…

…my buggs with his orange eyes and bat ears. he knows the secrets of the universe and maybe one day he’ll share them with me. i am truly blessed to have him in my life…

…the delicious dinner prepared by wendy and all that went in to making it…

…even more potty walks with buggs to round off my day…

…my friends…

today, i am healthier and stronger physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than i was a year ago. today, i am more wise and self-aware than i was a year ago. today, i am more self-confident and comfortable in my own skin than i was a year ago. 

namaste.

maximizing positivity…

last night, after listening to my “not a meditation,” i realized that i needed to begin to find and see ways to change, in order to maximize positivity.  

i have changed and am a work in progress, always in the process of renewal, growth, transformation…i want positive interactions and outcomes. 

last night, i decided that i needed to try to find some kind of a positive outcome to the conflict that has been brewing between, richard and i.

i wanted to maximize my positivity and figured out a way for the outcome to be positive and beneficial, without either of us compromising our “integrity.”

i decided to compose an email, utilizing his own humor, and ever present, repetitive “catch-phrases. i was empathetic, without being apologetic.

i sent it last night and waited. i heard nothing from him last night, but this morning, i received a reply. it was also empathetic, without being apologetic.

i felt that he had received my message in the manner that it was intended and mirrored my message right back to me…using empathy.

once i read the email, i breathed a sigh of relief, and went out to talk to him. we had a good, friendly conversation, and agreed not to talk about medicaid.

we were both able to see the other’s perspective and change our skewed interpretations of the event, to what was really said and what really occurred. 

technically, we were both “wrong.” meaning that we each interpreted the event differently, but both of us failed to put it into context and listened to others.

we both let our emotions override our brains. we allowed our overwhelming stubbornness to fester for days, and wasted a lot of time and energy.

we both agreed to solve future conflicts, when they arise, in person, without outside influence, utilizing empathy and respect. i will definitely do my part.