i am so excited…

i just got a call from my friend, l***a, that used to be my neighbor. she was calling to remind me that, she and her husband will be arriving next sunday.

i hadn’t forgotten. i’d been looking forward to it, but it got pushed to the back of my mind, with everything that’s been going on lately. 

she told me to have my list ready of all of the fun things that we can do and see. her husband has a conference and she will have a rental car. we can just go anywhere.

i am so excited to see my old friend of about 35 years. the last time i saw her was in 1994, 23 years ago. i am also excited to meet her new husband.

hope is all around me. i need to focus on that more and less on extraneous things that are ultimately of no consequence. i am really trying…

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check…

another step.

checked off the list.

accomplished in 38 minutes. 

nice ladies at dmv.

photo lady agreed to.

make me look cute.

they require you to. 

remove your spectacles.

as they use.

facial recognition software. 

apparently, i have a super-duper.

motherfucking, enchanced license.

woo-hoo.

it killed me.

more than you will ever know.

to surrender, my super-cute.

washington state driver’s license. 

i keep telling myself.

onward, upward, forward.

eyes on the prize.

the complete package of self-love.

health…home…happiness.

four and a half months.

i can do that. 

i’ve fucking got this.

august…august…august.

then, i’m clicking my heels.

and, going the fuck home.

a very different person. 

than that person.

that was displaced.

healthy, strong, valid, capable.

wise, knowing, healed, confident.

and, since i enjoy “v-words.”

vivid, valuable, vivacious, victorious. 

we are young…

well, here i am at elements salon, in lovely…downtown henderson, nevada. 

and, a song…not just any song came on. it’s not a song that i hear very much on the radio anymore. it was huge in 2012.

that was the year that i lost sixty pounds and met my parents in pasco, washington. we stayed for a weekend with my aunt and uncle. 

it was the year before my mom’s als diagnonsis. she was still able to talk, eat, and drink…her speech was a little bit slurred, but she was still a dynamo.

i remember being in craft warehouse, with my mom and aunt. they were looking for quilting fabric. i was looking at art supplies, which i absolutely love.

it was so hot and i was melting, big time. i’m not talking about a dainty bit of perspiration, or even a sweaty-stinky man sweat. i didn’t smell bad or stink.

but, i was absolutely melting, like an ice cube, in a frying pan…drenched, through all of my clothes…face bright red, with riverlets of sweat, pouring from my head.

my hair plastered to my head, i swept it out of my eyes, and made eye contact with my mom. she gave me a quizzical look and whispered, “what’s wrong with you?”

i discreetly whispered that it was menopause and i was having a hot flash. i thought that since she was my mom and been through it, that she would be kind.

but, she looked at me again and laughed out loud. then, she yelled over to my aunt, “s**i, she’s going through menopause,” while laughing and pointing.

at the time, i was pretty much mortified. but, when i look back now, it was one of a handful of times that i saw my mom truly happy, and independent of my father.

anyway, i’m here watching j***y get her haircut. i heard a song that made me happy and i wanted to share it with you. it’s just one of those songs for me.

the song…we are young…by fun.

well apparently, it’s my turn…maybe i’ll bypass the ‘2’ and go for the ‘0’…😜

Track art

We Are Young (feat. Janelle Monáe)

Fun.



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Lyrics

Give me a second I
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking about a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down, I’ll carry you home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know that I’m not
All that you got, I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a tab
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Just carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Just carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)

The world is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight

Track art

We Are Young (feat. Janelle Monáe)

Fun.



Buy for $1.29

Subscribe

Start Free Radio

Subscribe to Google Play Music and listen to this song and millions of other songs. First month free.

Lyrics

Give me a second I
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking about a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down, I’ll carry you home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know that I’m not
All that you got, I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a tab
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Just carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)
Just carry me home tonight (Na na na na na na)

The world is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir
So will someone come and carry me home

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight, we are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight

march 27, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…waking up before dawn and taking buggs on a really long walk. it was nice and cool out. there was a really nice breeze. it smelled like rain, which is a smell that i miss so badly. it started sprinkling while we were walking and i just soaked it in…

…four cups of coffee that i enjoyed outside on the patio, while still enjoying the smell of rain and the cool breeze. i sat out there all morning and wrote, while buggs curled up in his round fleecey bed, at my feet…

…the nice brunch that wendy prepared for us…

…more quiet time with just buggs and i. i was able to row and meditate, as well as take buggs for about seven potty walks. i have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life and this last year, and i spent most of the day taking “time outs” to be truly mindful, as different feelings, thoughts, and memories came up. i’m trying to listen to my gut and intuition, as i make important decisions about and for my future…

…time to finish watching the last three episodes of breaking bad, which i began four years ago and am just getting around to finishing. it helps me to take my mind off of all of my problems and i am grateful for that…

…my buggs with his orange eyes and bat ears. he knows the secrets of the universe and maybe one day he’ll share them with me. i am truly blessed to have him in my life…

…the delicious dinner prepared by wendy and all that went in to making it…

…even more potty walks with buggs to round off my day…

…my friends…

today, i am healthier and stronger physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than i was a year ago. today, i am more wise and self-aware than i was a year ago. today, i am more self-confident and comfortable in my own skin than i was a year ago. 

namaste.

maximizing positivity…

last night, after listening to my “not a meditation,” i realized that i needed to begin to find and see ways to change, in order to maximize positivity.  

i have changed and am a work in progress, always in the process of renewal, growth, transformation…i want positive interactions and outcomes. 

last night, i decided that i needed to try to find some kind of a positive outcome to the conflict that has been brewing between, richard and i.

i wanted to maximize my positivity and figured out a way for the outcome to be positive and beneficial, without either of us compromising our “integrity.”

i decided to compose an email, utilizing his own humor, and ever present, repetitive “catch-phrases. i was empathetic, without being apologetic.

i sent it last night and waited. i heard nothing from him last night, but this morning, i received a reply. it was also empathetic, without being apologetic.

i felt that he had received my message in the manner that it was intended and mirrored my message right back to me…using empathy.

once i read the email, i breathed a sigh of relief, and went out to talk to him. we had a good, friendly conversation, and agreed not to talk about medicaid.

we were both able to see the other’s perspective and change our skewed interpretations of the event, to what was really said and what really occurred. 

technically, we were both “wrong.” meaning that we each interpreted the event differently, but both of us failed to put it into context and listened to others.

we both let our emotions override our brains. we allowed our overwhelming stubbornness to fester for days, and wasted a lot of time and energy.

we both agreed to solve future conflicts, when they arise, in person, without outside influence, utilizing empathy and respect. i will definitely do my part.

from the patio…

wind blowing. 

my hair unruly.

sitting outside.

wearing a thermal.

it fit at christmas.

now it’s too big.

jet roaring.

over my head it flies.

neighbor says, “hello.”

children are yelling.

songbirds singing.

buggs sees me.

he licks the door.

sky hanging.

clouds billowing. 

trees dance in the breeze.

here i am now.

time’s a-wasting.

daylight’s going fast.

hand’s empty. 

heart’s full.

hurry please.

i’m a-waiting.

vintage cameras…

i guess that it was my grandpa, bud, who got me really excited about cameras. he was an entrepreneur, a “jack of all trades,” and owned many businesses over his lifetime. one of his businesses was a photography studio and film processing lab. of course, that was before my time, but he always had the love of capturing the moment and keeping it forever.

my grandpa always had a camera handy. he shot both stills and “moving pictures.” he preferred candid shots to anything posed and i think that’s probably the way i developed my preference as well….because face it, a photo of your dad with his “fat roll” exposed at a party is way more interesting than him posing with a fake smile. my grandpa was able to capture the essence of who people were and what made them tick.

my goodness, that man had a huge camera collection. i wish that i knew what happened to them all, i know that i have a few of them in storage, and have used them to make some photographs. i used to be so fascinated by looking at them. he would go through each one and tell me the type of camera it was, what type shots it was good for, what kind of film it used, and how old it was.

my grandpa entrusted me to pick them up, hold them, look through the viewfinder, and even take my own photographs. my dad didn’t like that, but my grandpa, being his father…overrode him. i think that i must have been about five, when my grandpa began buying me a camera, each year for my birthday. i ended up with such a neat collection of those “birthday” cameras.

i have about ten different kinds of kodak instamatics, at least three different types of polaroids, a bencini comet, a smena, a yashika, and a disc camera. along with all of those cameras, generally came film, batteries, and flashcubes/flashbars. i guess that i was pretty fortunate, because my grandpa really took an interest in seeing my photos and encouraging me along the way.

his step-daughter, c***l, used to work in one of those little, drive-up fotomat booths. he used to take my film to her and paid for it to be developed and printed. of course back then, i had to “cool my jets” and wait for about a week to be able to see my finished product. my grandpa and i would pick-up the photographs, then he would take me for ice cream, and there we would sit together going through my photos.

my grandpa always knew how to make me feel special and important. we bonded over lots of things and shared many interests. he gave me critiques, pointers, and ideas for photo “trickery.” more than anything, he was able to help me be able to express myself, to be seen and be heard, to have an opinion and make a statement, without ever even having to open my mouth. (he knew that in my household, children were to be seen and not heard.)

after my summer of 2007 darkroom photography class, i was in an antique store one day, saw a brownie camera from the 1930’s, and purchased it on a whim. i bought it because i liked how it looked, it reminded me of my grandpa, and i decided to start collecting vintage cameras, to decorate with. somewhere along the way, i accumulated five different kinds of older cameras, from the 1930’s – 1940’s.

in my collection were: graflex speedgraphic, spartus twin reflex, brownie, ansco shur shot, and a minox riga. after talking with my friend, we decided to visit blue moon camera and machinein portland, oregon, to see if we could get film for any of the cameras. the staff at blue moon, were very knowledgeable and helpful, they had film for all of the cameras, and showed us how to load it into each.

so, my friend and i, had film for two cameras apiece and we went out very excitedly, into the world to recreate the look and feel of a different era. we really didn’t know what we were going to end up with, but i think that i was very anxious to capture, “the ghost in the machine.” after we shot the film that we had, we took it back to blue moon, where they developed the film and printed the photographs. getting them back, was just like christmas!

yes, the mix was about 50/50…duds versus winners, but to me they were all marvelous. they made me feel very nostalgic and very respectful of the process…film to development, to negatives, to printing and all that’s involved. i don’t have all of the photos from that time period, but i do have a few with me on my drive…the rest of them are in storage, but this will give you an idea of some of what i was able to capture…what i shot.

multnomah falls – oregon – 2008
my arm in the mirror – otis, oregon – 2008
the otis cafe – otis, oregon – 2008
sambo’s – newport, oregon – 2008
sea gulls l – oceanside, oregon – 2008
sea gulls ll – oceanside, oregon – 2008
sea gulls lll – oceanside, oregon – 2008
shoreline – oceanside, oregon – 2008
surfer – oceanside, oregon – 2008
tidal surge – oceanside, oregon – 2008
wading l – oceanside, oregon – 2008
wading ll – oceanside, oregon – 2008
seashore stroll – oceanside, oregon – 2008