haha…no, i didn’t forget…

…that your birthday has come and gone with no mention from me. i had something that i had written in honor of your forty-forth birthday. however, april twenty-ninth was not a good day for me.

i woke up tired but okay at a friend’s house. i was up most of the night…first playing cards and then just not being able to sleep. it was just so hot and muggy. i talked to j**s until i finally fell asleep.

around two pm, i began feeling not quite right. i was dizzy and lightheaded. i had a very low grade fever and began sweating profusely. my friend offered me dinner and i picked at it a little bit. i ate some broccoli, a bite of potato, a roll.

then the room felt like it was spinning and i laid my head down on the table. i felt like i was going to vomit. my friend brought a big, green, deep bowl and placed it by my head. as soon as she did that, i began vomitting uncontrollably.

after about ten minutes i felt good enough to sit outside and vape and talk to j**s. i remember picking myself up off of the ground and that i hit my head. i remember walking into the bathroom to get a wet washcloth.

the feeling came over me again and i vomited uncontrollably into her bathtub. finally, i felt good enough to drive myself back to where i was staying. i went directly into the backyard and proceeded to vomit.

i remember falling and hit my head a second time. then i got up…only to repeat falling and hitting my head for the third time. i laid on my back on the concrete patio slab and vomited uncontrollably.

it would pour out with half of it streaming down my face and into my hair and ears…and the other half getting sucked back in. i was choking. finally someone came out and rolled me face down into the grass where it continued.

finally, i was able to pick myself up and someone gave me a wet washcloth and clean shirt. i was taken to the weatherford, oklahoma emergency room. i was given zofran and sent on my merry way. i was given no fluids.

i got back to where i was staying and passed out in a recliner until the evening of the next day. when i woke up every bone and muscle in my body ached. i had a horrible headache and absolutely no apetite.

i have terrible neuropathy in my feet. my meds don’t seem to help much anymore. i saw an ad for cbd oil and thought that i might be able to use something natural to help with the awful pain that i feel.

i vaped the cbd oil. initially, it seemed to help…but apparently that was the culprit that made me so sick. it interfered with how things were metabolized in my liver and kept me from making you a birthday post.

so, i didn’t forget!! i thought of you often throughout your day and celebrated you in my mind and in my heart. i hope that you enjoyed a wonderful day surrounded by family and friends. You deserve the very best that life has to offer.

happy belated birthday…to you…

 

 

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happy birthday my friend…

…happy birthday w***y…

…happy birthday to you…

…hope you had the day off…

…and something fun to do…

…maybe you’ll go exploring…

…maybe you’ll laze about…

…maybe you’ll see a movie…

…maybe you’ll just eat out…

…perhaps you’ll just go gambling…

…it’s what you like to do…

…perhaps you’ll even win big…

…with the luck your mom left you…

…well, whatever you do…

…and wherever you go…

…know that we love you…

…and we’re sad you know…

…because we’re not with you…

…because we’re not there…

…to sing happy birthday…

…and show you we care…

happy fiftieth birthday, k***y…

…today is your birthday…

…exactly five days from mine…

…i hope that you’re enjoying it…

…and, i hope that you’re fine…

…did you celebrate on the coast?…

…taking photos and flying a kite…

…driving down the longest beach…

…enjoying a sandwich, relishing each bite…

…did you sit around a big bonfire?…

…surrounded by family and friends…

…sharing memories and stories…

…resulting in sandy rearends…

…did wind sweep sand into the frosting?…

…of that beautiful, big cake…

…fifty candles, flickering and flaming…

…a fantastical wish, you did make…

…were you able to take a breath, so deep?…

…that you got them all in one blow…

…leaving lifeless, smoking candles…

…happy birthday my friend, but, now i must go..

 

 

july 23 – 24, 2017…

during these days, i have been grateful for…

…a quiet, birthday spent with the girls and r*****d. the girls went to great pains to provide me with a birthday meal fit for a queen. w***y picked out ribs and j***y woke up early and rubbed them down. and then, began prepping them. they cooked all long four or five hours and filled the apartment with delicious and tantalizing scents. j***y plated my food first and bestowed a beautiful and aroma filled plate upon my place setting. the meat fell right off of the bone and was delicious. they were paired with potato salad and applewood smoked, bacon, baked beans. all were absolutely delightful. r*****d had w***y buy a reese’s peanut butter, ice cream cake. they put a tealight candle in the middle of it, sang happy birthday, while j***y videotaped the whole affair, i made a wish, blew out my candle, and will apparently be getting my wish…

…all of the birthday greetings and well-wishes from my friends and family. a lot of which, i have had for thirty plus years. those made my day very special…

…a surprise birthday greeting from my friend, that was very much appreciated and very much unexpected, made my day feel more important…

…a day off of workouts from, j**s. and, a fun “pretend” trip to the magic kingdom, where we “rode” space mountain and ate churros. she “bought” me glow in the dark, mickey ears, Β and “made” me “wear” them in the park that night. before the trip, i was “treated” to a “whirl-wind shopping spree,” in which i am “pointed” in the right direction…nerdy, vintage star wars t-shirt, new charcoal cargo shorts that fit and don’t fall off, and snazzy new vans. i “picked out” a purple, swatch watch with a french bulldog, on the face to round out my outfit. the whole “shopping spree” was the result of me “threatening” to wear 1970’s short, dolphin’s shorts…a vintage, golden rod colored, chargers t-shirt…1970’s knee socks with three stripes around the top…1970’s wallabee’s shoes…and, a 1970’s crocheted, pabst blue ribbon, beer can hat. so, other than our “imaginary trip,” i went nowhere and did nothing…

…today, buggs and i went to the dogpark and the splashpad. i walked laps around the park, while he peed everywhere, and ran around. it was hot and muggy…both mama and boy went through the sprinklers…

…my car that is my freedom. i love them both, the car and the freedom…

…a second birthday card and present from my dad. the thought and deed were much appreciated…

i am aging gracefully. i am accepting what is, in this moment. i am coming home, soon.

namaste.

 

as the big five – ooooh looms…

…in the headlights less than eight hours away, i am struck by the fear and panic of all of the things that were on my list to be completed by now…but alas, are not!!

i don’t know if that makes me an abject failure or just gives me some reasons to hang on for a few years longer. the list is very long and some of the items require having a partner πŸ˜•.

i mean, i guess that i could take ballroom dancing lessons with r*****d, and his two titanium hips and knees, or for that matter maybe even someone from a senior center.

but, fuck no!! i cannot and will not marry, r*****d!! i guess that i could marry myself, buggs, a senior from the center, or a fruit salad…as people have been permitted to do stranger things.

anyway, for whatever is left after this milestone, i will make it the very best that i can, all by myself…as none of the “new hires” prove worthy and the one’s that are worthy are “already on the job.”

so, woo-fucking-hoo…

ps…by the way i believe that i will qualify for all of the senior discounts in town tomorrow and aarp…i’m going to go dye my hair blue or pink now πŸ˜‚πŸ˜. getting old is like a bucket of bm, from turd city…hard and stinky. it’s plain old πŸ‚πŸ’©…

happy belated twenty-fourth birthday (june 2, 2017)…

…to you my favorite and only nephew!!! you know that i could never have loved you more, even if you had been my own. 

i always secretly wished that you were my own. i wish that i would’ve petitioned for custody, but everyone convinced me that i’d never win.

maybe things would be different. maybe you would have been spared some of the lessons that you’ve had to learn the hard way. maybe you would care enough to let me know how you’re doing.

you know that i will always love you, even if we never speak again. don’t forget you that it’s your name on the back of my neck. i chose to put it there because i never wanted you to wonder if you were truly loved by another (like i have always wondered about). it was physical proof that you could always look at and see.

i really don’t know anything about you anymore, partly due to my own core values and belief system…and partly, because you hold some kind of resentment or bitterness toward me for something either real or perceived that you feel that i’ve done to you. if you ever want to talk…you know my number, it’s never changed.

if nothing else, just remember that i love you and you can always get a hold of me anytime of the day or night. i’m going to post a few of my favorite photos to celebrate the spirit that i love. 

the gus fink show at our gresham, or gallery
art for dog’s sake gallery – gresham, or
the parents could never keep us too proper
you always knew what the strongest part of the frame was…the glue!!
auntie k*****n and uncle e**k
you and i

at la jolla shores with your first puppy
grown with one of your own
mom’s last camping trip
you made us chicken and mom held a tiny piece on her tongue