september 14, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…sleep, when and how it comes. any rest for this exhausted, run down body is a good thing. i’ll take it however i can get it…

…the plumber coming out to fix p**l’s sink. it was beginning to get stinky. he has been without a functioning kitchen sink for about two weeks now and has been eating off of paper plates, using plastic utensils, and drinking out of the paper cups that i took from my hotel stays…

…having enough energy to: do the dishes that had been putrefying in the sink full of swamp water, take the trash out, and straighten up after p**l’s little girls were here…

…being physically able to take buggs out and go for a walk…

…a nice and welcome change in the weather. cooler temperatures 50° – 60° and some grey clouds and precipitation…

…for getting to talk to a wonderful advice/triage nurse. she advised me on exactly how to proceed…

…p**l’s friendly face and human companionship that i can talk to and relate with. i appreciate his hospitality and willingness to share. plus, he understands what it’s like to be: a black sheep, left behind, disowned, the butt of jokes, incredibly sensitive to others, and full of emotion…

…buggs, my sweet boy and co-pilot…

i am capable of whatever, i set my mind to doing. i am a very good listener. i am worthy of love.

namaste.

 

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september 6 – 9, 2017…

for these days, i am especially grateful for…

…my significant other, buggs!! without him, i would probably not be a fully-functioning and highly capable, independent individual. he is my better half, my way better half. he keeps me company, entertains me, judges other people’s characters or lack thereof for me, loves me, exercises me, alerts me to noises that i can no longer hear, co-pilots adventures with me, and protects me. he was the only dog for me. and, other than some embarrassing barks at our server, (which no other dog did, but now that i think about it…no other dog was sitting at the table either…in his own chair, while being given bites of pastrami…oh my dear god!! things are suddenly beginning to make some kind of sense!! what the fuck is wrong with me??? was i that fucking exhausted that i didn’t realize where i was or who i was with??? seriously, how embarrassed my friend must have been!!! i didn’t even realize until just this very moment. i feel like a complete idiot.) too ashamed to finish this one, not of buggs, because he’s a dog…but, of myself for putting him down there and making him an equal to all of the diners of that pricey restaurant…

…a safe trip up with someone else’s dog and an eventual reuniting of dog and owner…

…a place to sleep at 0230…

…a nice hot shower later that morning and clean clothes to wear…

…getting to see my motivational friend after quite a long while. the wonderful restaurant that she picked out, sitting right on gig harbor docks. the awesome brunch that she treated me to. and, just the plain fact that we got to visit was very nice for me. (however in hindsight, that wasn’t just a faux pas that i made it was a four paw, one tail, two bat ears, and one toothy grin “pas” and he sat directly across from her grinning the whole time. r*****d is right…i am a fucking moron!!!)…

…a nice place to stay in bremerton…

…j**s talking me through the emotions that come out when i get tired. for giving me a reprieve from workouts and full sixty minute cardio while i’ve been gone. she’s tough, but fair and kind…

…rest stops…lots of well-lit, flush toilet rest stops…thank you california, oregon, and washington…good use of taxpayer dollars!!! nevada, you just suck with your unlit, filthy, pit potties…

…p**l for his kindness and compassion…

…being in my home. it’s beauty thrills me and so does it’s people and culture. i felt alive the minute i crossed the border. within five minutes i was greeted by the smell of rain, rain, and a single beautiful bolt of lightning…

…getting to stop and put my feet up tonight. no car camping for us tonight!! woo-hoo…

…being able to drive for up to fourteen hours and keep my wits about me…even white knuckling it in the pitch black, through fires, and road construction…

…not hitting or running over any of the animals that ran in front of me…deer, coyotes, chipmunks, and something that looked like a pig…

i am confident. i am capable. i am worthy.

namaste.

september 2, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…waking up this morning and knowing where i was. for not waking up every two hours and thinking that i had forgotten to pick-up or deliver someone’s pet. for being able to see buggs asleep at my feet everytime i did wake up…

…a long walk with buggs this morning before things got really hot…

…a nice email from my friend. it was really good to hear from her and her words made me feel good about my writing again…

…being back in the apartment with buggs, safe and sound. i’m thankful that we had a safe trip and were able to deliver all of our charges, without incident…

…my journey…another learning experience is now behind me and i look forward to the next one…

…my improved health and strength that allowed me to drive by myself with my dog, another dog, and five cats…

…an opportunity for me to form a deeper bond with buggs…

…a car that gets good gas mileage and is very reliable…

…a busy morning running errands…

…a delicious meal prepared by the girls…

…workouts with j**s again via text, after being gone for several days, and being so exhausted and rundown…

…my next trip…south lake tahoe to south hill, wa…

i am capable. i am confident. i am worthy.

namaste.

vsw part four…

…so, i’ve been working on focus and becoming very focused on my goal of getting a home on the beach in washington state…my home. i’m focused on making the money that i need and clearing up loose ends here. focus will always be an ongoing struggle and visualization for me.

i’ve begun visualizing something else lately, as well. i’ve been visualizing physical fitness. yes, i’ve lost an enormous amount of weight, but i’ve still got half more to go to reach my goal weight. i’m a work in progress. ha-ha…if i ever make it off of “restriction,” whomever is just going to have to understand that i’m fluid, right now a “shape shifter.”

it’s been nice for me to have j**s to talk to about these things. she’s never been heavy or overweight, but she’s a nurse and deals with all kinds of shapes, sizes and body types. she’s seen all kinds of things and has been very helpful, giving me insightful hints and ideas for maximizing my workouts specifically for each problematic part of my body.

i’m an honest person. for the most part, i tell it like it is. however, i’ve never sat down with anyone before and honestly talked about weight, cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin, etc. j**s did an exercise with me. she had me close my eyes and visualize each part of my body that was problematic and i wanted to change.

i began with my double chin, although way smaller, it’s still there. i pictured it in my mind’s eye. i held the image for quite a while, looking at it from all angles. then with my eyes still closed, she had me visualize how i wanted my chin to look when i’ve attained my physical fitness goals. it was pretty similar to now, except for a little less fatty deposit.

we went through every part of my body. i visualized how it was now and how i wanted it to look when i had attained my physical fitness goal. mind you, this was not in person, but had the same effect. it was incredibly powerful to let go of the body shame, to deal honestly with my own imperfections, and incredibly motivating to see all that i will be.

that night, i was pleasantly surprised when i received a text message that just said, “bike?” i knew what that meant and i headed to the gym. we were riding our exercise bikes together. i can’t text and exercise, but received encouraging messages every so often. it was really fun to have someone to work with and encourage me.

next text, “hydrate!” followed by, “easy core workout for you.” so, when all was said and done, we had done 60 minutes of cardio and i did an easy core circuit workout, because i don’t know any test results yet and don’t want to push myself too hard. afterwards, it was really nice to hear that i was doing a great job and would achieve my goals.

it’s nice to have a person who is strictly a friend want to see me succeed and want to help to push me to be my absolute best. which is incredibly ironic, because i have another friend, the original motivator and inspiration for my healthy change. and that friend, she’s the one who changed my life for the best.

she’s the sage woman that encouraged me to begin visualizing all of my wants, dreams, desires, goals…say them out loud…and then, write about them. this has been really enlightening and helpful advice. i feel like it has already helped me to focus and it is helping me to attain my physical fitness goals.

i do three things before i finally go to sleep at night. i reflect on what i’m grateful for, sometimes i write about it and sometimes i don’t, but i always do it. i do a meditation. once in bed, i visualize those things that i want, dream of, desire, my goals…and as they pop into mind and i focus on them…i say them out loud.

i will have what i want. and, i’ve got this…

 

august 14, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…waking up at my new normal time 0400. getting a really good walk in with buggs. making sure that i got sixty minutes of cardio in, since i still haven’t been cleared to go back to my circuit workouts yet…

…three cups of black coffee enjoyed at my desk while i worked on finishing something important. i was nice and made sure to leave r*****d a cup, even though he didn’t even get up until after 1630…

…having such a nice new desktop to work on, while listening to music with my headphones, and sitting in my “new to me” chair that j***y passed on to me. it is so much more comfortable under my ass than the hard wood, kitchen table chair that i used to sit on. it hurt my bum and made both legs go completely numb, so this whole new set-up is awesome…

…finally pulling all of the pieces that i’ve been writing, deleting, and starting to write all over again…together in one place to make something that hopefully made sense, didn’t overwhelm, and wasn’t weird…but, while i’m glad that i’ve finished finally…i know that i probably could have made it more concise…

…peace and quiet, since r*****d slept for most of the day. it is always so nice for me to be able to hear myself think…to not have fox news blaring, or the phrase, “and death,” bellowed over and over again…

…my fantasy football drafts, to keep my mind off of heavier things. i have five teams and i am entirely ready to dominate my leagues…and yes, i am an absolute nerd…

…the silly text messages that just made me laugh…

my mind is quiet. my body is healing my heart is full.

namaste.

august 11, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…being up at 0400 and working on finishing up that important thing that has been set aside, because of fear or frustration or both. i sat quietly and searched my soul for the specific message i wanted to relate and the best way to accomplish that. i spent a lot of time visualizing what the finished product looked like. i visualized myself being pleased with the end result and sending it. i visualized the reception and response. i spoke these things outloud and now i’m writing about them…but, in vague terms…

…being finally able to take buggs to the barkpark again after his two week quarantine for kennel cough, while he was treated with his antibiotics. we arrived at 0530 and i have never ever seen as many dogs as i saw today in the small dog area. i kid you not, there was easily seventy-five small dogs. it was crazy…pure small dog insanity. it was nice out, still cool and shady. we spent a total of two hours there. buggs played and i walked laps around the park…three miles in total…

…i had three cups of coffee when we got back and took it back to my room, where i worked on my important thing until about 1330, at which point in time, my babysitting duties began…

…i had some time today to work on some of my new photos and post to instagram…

…j**s and i talked for awhile today about my program and waiting to hear back from doctor, before pushing ahead with more strenuous workouts. i’m still doing sixty minutes of cardio everyday, just haven’t been able to do circuit workouts each night, until my doctor gives his blessing…

…a delicious dinner…

i am deserving of good treatment. i am worthy of love. i will have what i want.

namaste.

august 9, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…waking up at 0400. walking with buggs, watching the sunrise and photographing it…

…getting to enjoy two cups of black coffee before getting ready for my appointment…

…the nicest, coldest shower that i think that i’ve had this hot sweaty summer. i felt so much better afterwards, like a new person ready for my day…

…clean clothes that felt and smelt really good. i was glad to have something super comfortable to wear for my test. so comfortable in fact, that i may have worn said outfit as a “sleep costume” before…

…r*****d being kind enough to get up and take me to my test, as i needed a driver to drive me home after the test. i was really surprised and really thankful…

…r*****d treating me to a cold drink when i was finished…

…w***y making both r*****d sandwiches upon our arrival back to the apartment…

…w***y and j***y watching buggs while i was having my test…

…really super nice nurses…c****l and l**a…they were funny and kept me entertained. l**a installed my iv quickly and painlessly…

…some clarity and focus…

…for really good advice for reaching my goals and attaining my dreams. i’m grateful for my friend and her kindness. she has a beautiful, strong, and wise spirit…

…losing five more pounds…

i am becoming focused. i am appreciating my achievements. i will have what i want.

namaste.