i’m just sitting here…

…i’m not even in the shade. why, you ask? because there is no shade in the god damn desert. there is just sun, hot fucking sun.

…there’s nothing lush and green here. no beautiful, majestic, mystical trees or forests. absolutely no chance of unicorns.

…it’s hot, motherfucking hot. did i mention that? the wind whips like hot licorice-scorching the hairs inside my nose.

…it bleeds quickly and easily, at will with the dryness and heat. my nostrils now have splits from inhaling dusty desert.

…what lives and thrives in the desert? cockroaches…shit tons of cockroaches. i’ve never lived with bugs before…disgusting!!

…i look at the people…lizards…dried up, leathery, wrinkled, brown, shriveled, old-even if young. no sunscreen, no sunglasses.

…colonies of humans, live like ants under the city. tunnels are home for thousands. you can smell them when the wind is right.

…no place for someone with “peaches and cream skin,” as my mother used to say. i feel myself baking, sizzling in the sun. 

…this place petrifies. it hardens you, like it or not. it spreads a dirty-gritty-oily crust over you, that gets in your dry-dry eyes.

…i feel dirty. bugs, people, dirt…i scrub and scrub and i just can’t feel it. i can’t feel clean. i just want to feel clean again.

…i want to be clean. i want to be understood. i want to be accepted as i am. i want to be free. i just want to go home.

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i think a lot…

i think a lot about the things that i’ve done.

things that i didn’t think about at all.

things that i thought way too much about.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve chosen to believe.

giving lies, doubt, and malignancies room to grow in my mind.

giving truth, confidence, and compassion a skeptical eye and quick dismissal.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve ruined. 

things that i screwed myself out of.

things that cannot be replaced.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve changed.

things that have improved my health and strength. 

things that have improved my path to healing and wholeness.

i think a lot about the things that i’ve got planned for the future.

things that i am looking forward and ahead to.

things like endless possibilities, unlimited hope, and seagulls on the seashore.

insanity…

a few weeks ago, i was going through quite a rough patch…i guess that i still am, to a certain degree…but, i know that i am going to be okay. my hope is my strength.

my hope is my plan, my goal, my dream. i will have what i want. i was doing awesome, well on my way, but i got sidetracked. i got baited…

my problem was what it has always been. maybe some of you have noticed that some of my blog posts have disappeared. i am not allowing myself to be censored. 

i finally understand. i fucking get it. the message has finally permeated my thick skull, “get what’s left of your stuff first.” i did not think that i was being monitored.

however, i was. i could not keep my mouth shut and began talking about something, that was part of my healing process. i spoke too soon. now, i will get, what i get.

then, and only then, will i repost those posts and continue with my healing process. i will continue to write about whatever is pertinent, or interesting to me.

my problem is what was best quoted by albert einstein – “insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

insanity

my problem is that apparently, i’m insane. you know the peanuts comic strip, by charles schulz…i have been charlie brown, my whole, motherfucking life.

i have worn my yellow shirt with the black, up and down stripe, for 49 years. all i have ever wanted, was to kick that football. just like charlie…i have a lucy.

when i was with k***y and s***h, i did not have any lucy…luring me with platitudes, bold faced lies, false hopes, and promises of love, inclusion, and acceptance.

i actually led a “normal,” productive, exciting, relatively happy, and fulfilling life. i had my own sense of self. i had purpose. i had 20+ years of “freedom.”

i had two long-term relationships, with women who identified the problem and supported me through, the guilt, pain, and confusion of “football withdrawal.”

without lucy, i thrived! these are things that i accomplished, or helped to accomplish: bought a house, bought a truck and an suv, moved from ca to wa…

…helped run two columbian single copy newspaper businesses, was assistant distributor of oregonian, ran usa today single copy newspaper business…

…held corporate position at michael’s, framed art for galleries and museums, had 7 poems published, co-owned and ran two gallery/frame shops, got my aa degree…

…was on am northwest with world famous gunther the painting boxer dog, camped all over ca/or/wa, went to wsu-v and got my bachelor’s degree, and learned darkroom.

the point being, without lucy’s shenanigans and her presence in my life…i thrive. this was the absolute last time that i fall for your football trick, lucy.

i have taken off that god-awful yellow shirt and put on a maroon shirt, with a white kool-aid smile on it. i have something better than a football. i have self-respect.

check…

another step.

checked off the list.

accomplished in 38 minutes. 

nice ladies at dmv.

photo lady agreed to.

make me look cute.

they require you to. 

remove your spectacles.

as they use.

facial recognition software. 

apparently, i have a super-duper.

motherfucking, enchanced license.

woo-hoo.

it killed me.

more than you will ever know.

to surrender, my super-cute.

washington state driver’s license. 

i keep telling myself.

onward, upward, forward.

eyes on the prize.

the complete package of self-love.

health…home…happiness.

four and a half months.

i can do that. 

i’ve fucking got this.

august…august…august.

then, i’m clicking my heels.

and, going the fuck home.

a very different person. 

than that person.

that was displaced.

healthy, strong, valid, capable.

wise, knowing, healed, confident.

and, since i enjoy “v-words.”

vivid, valuable, vivacious, victorious. 

baby steps…

and, i don’t know what will happen to him, when i’m no longer his “captive” audience. he will have to find a new “babysitter.” 

i’ve completed several important steps. i began rowing for my health. i opened an able account for my future housing. 

i am getting my haircut today, so that i can take a decent driver’s license photo tomorrow. 

i will have my nevada driver’s license and will be able to begin driving full-time, while socking the money into my account. 

if my calculations are correct, i should hit my yearly contribution cap…$14,000, in four and a half months. 

i’m thinking that by august, i should be closing on my beach home. i’ll have my down payment amount matched… 

…by washington state’s home choice program for disabled people. i think that i’ll be able to seriously begin looking…

…in june. i’ve taken the first few baby steps, towards my future, and my new life, as the new me. i’m becoming excited.

i can get what i want…

…and, i will.

tuesday, i had a fantastic therapy and emdr session. we talked about my homework…completing stems and coming up with even more through the comments…

the goal of completing a stem, is to go as fast as possible, without thinking about it…triggering the subconscious mind. by triggering the subconscious mind, you can make interesting self-discoveries and areas for exploration.

the stems are supposed to be easy and not require a lot of thought. you’re supposed to come up with five to ten comments, for each stem.

the next day, you look at your comments and turn them into five different stems each…to be answered the same way…

each day, you just keep digging a bit deeper…learning, growing, and healing as you go. 

examples:

day one…

if i knew that i couldn’t fail, i would…

1.) be a stand-up comedian.

2.) ask a pretty girl out.

3.) go back to school 

day two:

1 a.) if i was a stand-up comedian, i would…

     *) be fearless.

     *) be really funny.

     *) make people smile.

1 b.) if i was able to make people laugh, that would…

     *) make my heart smile.

     *) make me feel good about myself.

     *) make me a good comedian. 

1 c.) if i were a stand-up comedian, i’d be able to…

     *) travel. 

     *) get paid for making people laugh.

     *) meet all kinds of interesting people.

and, that’s kind of how it works. it’s funny, but, i thought that the impulse to be a stand-up comedian, died long ago…but, surprise!! apparently, it’s still there.

here i am…i’m cleaning house and finding things that i knew that i lost…but, also finding things that i never even knew were there.

i’m healing myself. my therapist told me today, with a huge smile, that i’m healing fast and furiously…fiercely and ferociously. 

on tuesday, we had an emdr session. my therapist was my sherpa, as always…tap, tap, tapping on the tops of my hands…my eyelids closed tightly.

my eyes moving back and forth, from one side to the other. she lead me to my special clearing in the woods, by the beach…to “dog-log.”

i sat on “dog-log” feeling the cool, ocean breeze on my face…tasting the saltiness in the air around me…hearing the seagulls screeching and my dogs barking, in the distance…smelling smoke from my bonfire…and, watching as my dogs appeared, one by one, to greet me.

i was completely at peace, content, and very happy…surrounded by all that i loved. i was home, at the beach, with all of my dogs…past and present. 

in the distance, i heard it…very softly at first…”i can get what i want.” then louder, “i can get what i want.” and then, the words wrapped around me and enveloped me. 

i allowed and invited them into my subconscious, my mind, and my heart. i could feel the words resonating with my spirit. “i can get what i want.” i felt it and i believed it.

…”i can get what i want…and i will!!”