happy fiftieth birthday, k***y…

…today is your birthday…

…exactly five days from mine…

…i hope that you’re enjoying it…

…and, i hope that you’re fine…

…did you celebrate on the coast?…

…taking photos and flying a kite…

…driving down the longest beach…

…enjoying a sandwich, relishing each bite…

…did you sit around a big bonfire?…

…surrounded by family and friends…

…sharing memories and stories…

…resulting in sandy rearends…

…did wind sweep sand into the frosting?…

…of that beautiful, big cake…

…fifty candles, flickering and flaming…

…a fantastical wish, you did make…

…were you able to take a breath, so deep?…

…that you got them all in one blow…

…leaving lifeless, smoking candles…

…happy birthday my friend, but, now i must go..

 

 

i live on a limited income…

***tonight, it seemed apropos to go through the things that i have written in the last year. i came across this little gem that i had written about, m****a.***

i live on a limited income

yes, sure that’s sometimes true of my finances…sometimes not…

but, what i speak of is much more existential, than anything else…

what i’m talking about is way more valuable to me than any currency…

it may have no value at all to you and in fact you’ve shown me that repeatedly…

i’m talking about the things that give my life authenticity and meaning…

the things that i either give myself, i earn, or i accept as gifts from others…

there are many of these things, but i will use love as an example…

i have a very limited amount of love in my life, it’s my most scarce commodity…

i absolutely, positively have to keep as much as i can for myself…

as i have only a small stipend coming in each month from friends and buggs…

i really don’t have any extra love to throw around willy-nilly…

if i use half of the love that i was going to use on myself, on you…

it’s because i wanted to and i thought that you were worth sharing with…

i didn’t expect you to share with me, but had a little left from the month before…

you liked it, you liked it a lot and wanted more, that made me happy. i obliged…

at the end of the third month, you came by with your hand out…

i looked deep within myself, in each and every place, and found no trace of love…

the love was gone, absolutely nothing for myself and nothing for you…

i looked up rather sheepishly, expecting to meet your gaze, but you were gone…

long gone…and there i was wondering how i could give to my own dog…

what i-myself had so foolishly and recklessly squandered, risking it all…

wondering how i could give him, what i no longer even had for myself…

in one movement, he was in my lap, licking my tears away…

in that moment, his sweet nature and kindness filled me…

filled me with more than enough love for both of us, he and i…

 

 

 

faux pas…

…according toΒ the urban dictionary a faux pas is “french for ‘false step.’ a severe social blunder or major breach in etiquette. if the faux pas in question was unintentional it oftens leads to a very awkward and uncomfortable moment. if the faux pas in question was intentional the person who intentionally committed the faux pas in question is often loathed for an appropriate period of time (or bitch slapped). but- on a rare occasion the person the intentional faux pas was directed at might find it funny and laugh it off.”

my ex used to tell me a story about her ex boyfriend. she was taking him to meet her father for the first time over dinner at a fancy restaurant. both were very nervous, i am unsure of how the rest of it went now, so, i apologize if i don’t get it completely correct.

the trio were sharing conversation and getting to know each other. at some point fairly early on, my exes boyfriend…said or did something goofy or awkward. he knew what a faux pas was and quickly wanted to acknowledge his mistake, while tackling a fancy phrase.

what came out of his mouth, mortified my ex. she was embarrassed for him to have made such a blunder. he was unaware that he had said anything incorrectly. i don’t even remember now, if she corrected him or not, but i do remember what he said. he said something like, “oops! i made a *fox paws*.” and that little tid bit of awkwardness, has stuck with me.

i try to be diligent in knowing the meanings of words, how “fancy $20 words” are pronounced, what’s acceptable, and what’s respectful. when it comes to speaking and writing, no matter how careful i am, there are times when i commit *fox paws* of my very own. when that happens, it’s all downhill from there.

on those occassions when i “step in it,” i “step in it” with both feet. one thing that i can say about myself, is that when i commit to something, i’m in all the way up to my eyeballs. there’s no “fence sitting,” when it comes to a faux pas. you either meant it or you didn’t. i don’t think that i’ve ever had an intentional faux pas. mine have all been very much unintentional and endlessly embarassing.

here’s part of my problem, once i realize that i’ve committed a faux pas. i freeze. my mind begins to spin. and if i’m texting, my fingers begin fiercely typing: my apalling realization, my sincere apology, and the message as i wish that i would’ve conveyed it. in all actuality, it should stop there, but it doesn’t!

i make things even more complicated by adding my “emoji hieroglyphics.” in my mind, they are meant to dispel any kind of tension or discomfort. they are to explain my thought process and related chain of emotions. if anyone ever stopped to ask me, “what were you thinking?” these “hieroglyphics,” would easily answer that question. but the thing is…nobody’s ever asked me that question. i just throw it out there all “willy-nilly.”

yesterday, i was having a text conversation with my friend. she and her sister had been shopping at nordstroms. she was relating the details of their shopping trip and the fact that they had gotten some nice things. well, of course i was happy and excited for them. i relayed that fact immediately and without giving it too much thought.

i pushed the “send” button and immediately cringed. i froze and read what i had just sent. a voice in my mind repeatedly chided, “undo, undo, undo…” of course there are no “magic gossamer threads” attached to texts that you can just yank on and pull back to you without the other party seeing. i would pay good money for such an app!

i looked again and there it was, “you girls scored!” i was absolutely mortified. there was no unringing that bell. my only excuse, which i didn’t use, was that i’ve only been keeping company with girls, “the girls.” i guess that i just wasn’t thinking beyond the confines of our apartment.

in my attempt to “right my wrong,” i just kept “stepping in it.” the faux pas was like a snowball rolling down hill, getting bigger, and faster…and way more noticeable. but mind you, i’m the only one that was upset and offended by my faux pas. they were not, but i didn’t know that at the time.

so, from “you girls scored!” i apologized for referring to them as girls and explained that i didn’t mean it to offend or be disrespectful. from there, i reworked my original line. it read, “you young ladies scored!” and then, it became, “shit…you young women scored!” and then, out they came…the “emoji hieroglyphics.”

πŸ˜πŸ˜•πŸ˜•πŸ˜“πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€€πŸ€€πŸ˜¨πŸ˜¨πŸ˜¨πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ˜²πŸ˜²πŸ˜²πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜•πŸ˜•β˜Ήβ˜ΉπŸ˜¨πŸ˜“πŸ€€πŸ€€πŸ€€πŸ˜²πŸ˜²πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™Š

hieroglyphics key as follows:

😁 – enjoying my conversation

πŸ˜• – oh dear…

πŸ€” – recalculating

🀀 – omg!

😨 – frozen

😲 – undo, undo, undo

πŸ˜“ – i feel awful

☹ – ruh-roo

πŸ’© – shit

πŸ™Š – going to be quiet, i’ve said enough

keep in mind, that i haven’t really spoken with or been in the company of a true lady, in a little over a year. so, in my current reality “ladies” don’t exist. i just never gave it all a second thought until i did. and then when i did, i panicked.

they did however let me know that they preferred to be addressed as just “ladies,” as opposed to anything else. it was a huge relief to me to find out the proper address for next time and to know that they were not offended.

 

 

excerpts from a letter…

dear k,

i’m going to say this to you with love and i hope that you will listen.

do you remember that eeyore attitude that i warned you about? i’m going to gently re-remind you of it now. 

if you like people…if you value your friendships…if you ever decide to pursue someone…

pull your head out of your ass!! wake up and smell the coffee. people like you, as you are…goofiness, quirkiness, and all. 
don’t repeatedly ask the same questions. your friends are strong minded and have opinions. they will tell you what they think.

don’t tell people things that make them wonder what they mean. don’t tell them that you don’t want to scare them away, because you will. instead, show them that you want them to stay. actions speak louder than words.

don’t self-sabotage!! don’t kick yourself in the ass later, because you were too afraid to try. you are confident. you begin confident. you stay confident. if you can relax and be yourself, you will always know that you were you…at the best and the worst. when you give others you, you give them the best that you have to offer.

you are not a victim…not to family dynamics, not to catfishes, not to the desert, not to therapy, not to sickness, not to finances, not to weight or physical ability…you are not a victim to anyone or anything other than your own fear and self-sabotages.

don’t talk down about yourself. don’t sell yourself short. don’t be eeyore or debby downer. don’t be negative. don’t whine or complain. don’t bitch and moan. don’t devalue yourself or others. don’t use absolutes. don’t use should. don’t assume anything. don’t second guess. don’t question motives.

you’re positive and vibrant. be positive, stay positive. give the benefit of the doubt. listen more than you speak. be understanding. be uplifting. be a joy to be around. be honest always, even about health issues. be caring.

give space. let others miss you. never push or ask for more than anyone is willing to share or give. be patient. be kind. be supportive and encouraging. give others what they need from you, as they make these things known.

don’t always be so available. you work, they work…yes, you have more freedom, but you have real responsibilities to yourself, your dog, and others. you have deadlines to keep. you have financial obligations and very big plans. they aren’t going to like you less, if you are available less…if they do, you have the freedom to adjust. if you continue to be so available, people are going to think that you do absolutely nothing all day.

keep a schedule. keep your medication box filled. keep up on your shots. get a good night of sleep each night. make and keep an exercise schedule…give it your all everyday, reasonably. try not to skip meals. nourish your body with healthy food. keep cutting out the sugar and carbs, it has done wonders. try to have salad every night for dinner. get yourself as healthy and physically fit as possible before you meet anyone new or old.

don’t be sad and sappy thinking that you’ll never find someone to click with, accepting defeat as if it has already occurred. if you sow the seeds of suggestion and sabotage, they will surely grow. instead, be your best everyday!! be happy and secure, as you are. show evidence that you are…be happy, be secure. show them YOU (!!!).  you’re a diamond, be willing to sparkle in their presence!!! DID YOU HEAR ME??? YOU’RE A MOTHERFUCKING DIAMOND…BE THAT DIAMOND AND SPARKLE…GOD DAMN YOU…SPARKLE!!!

give yourself a chance, be the change that you wish to see in your life. embrace your short-comings and flaws, as well as gifts and talents. love yourself and others will love you too.

in the immortal words of michael scott…”…never ever, ever give up.” michael never gave up, even after he let holly go. he was patient and he waited and they reunited.

the same thing with jim and pam. jim was in love with pam, but pam was with roy. jim took a chance and put it all out there on the line. pam turned him down. jim transferred to stamford to get away from the heartbreak of pam and roy getting married. pam called off her wedding to roy, because of jim. jim came back to scranton and pam was free, but jim was with karen. pam saw jim and karen together and got back together with roy. roy found out that jim kissed pam and broke up with pam. roy went after jim and karen found out that jim was still in love with pam. jim and pam finally got together.

the office is not real life and everybody doesn’t always magically end up with someone special like that. but, never give up. 

exercise, wear yourself out. work yourself silly. quit overthinking and overdoing. PLEASE!!! because you’re going to blow opportunities!!! you deserve to be happy!!! take responsibility for yourself…continue to do the motherfucking work…this is your life…the last half of your motherfucking life…WAKE UP!!!

make each day your own. make each day your best. put your best foot forward and march. put your game face on. meet each challenge head on. don’t have a chip on your shoulder. don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. be good to yourself. be good to others.

BE HAPPY AND BE SECURE…YOU DESERVE IT…YOU’VE EARNED IT!!!

thank you, s***h…

…for sending me photos and a video of the dogs that i miss and love. it made me homesick for washington state, cash and carly, lush green vegetation, clean air, and the beach. soon, i will be at home, in a home of my own…on the beach…everything that i love is in the pacific northwest. 

cash
carly

our vegas adventure (part four)…

…l***a and i needed to take buggs out to go potty. so, we walked the 1/4 mile to the elevator and rode the 16 floors down. we snuck him out the pool door and came back in. 

we discovered something new about him that day. it turns out that he doesn’t like marble. the 12 pound wonder can ride the elevator, with other people on, down 16 floors, but marble freaks him out.

we were going to take him upstairs, but l***a encouraged me to take photos. i walked around shooting and she walked around holding buggs. we even played penny keno with him.

so, that is what we did and this is only some of what i shot…

our vegas adventure (part three)…

better late than never. i took several hundred photos and this is the next installment.

more photos to come later…