for my friend who is going through some shit (nothing to do with me)…

j*****a feels like being quiet

she is retreating…

pulling away…

making her great escape…

she sees the light…

at the end of the tunnel…

she eyes her white flag…

sitting on the table…

near the door…

she is torn…

does she listen to her demons…

or, does she listen to her heart…

she picks up her flag…

she begins to pace…

she tries hard to hear her gut…

she scrambles to sort feelings out…

the question is…

will j*****a act…react…or do nothing…

will she take action…

take a chance and risk it all…

will she just react…

waving her flag, recoiling, running…

will she do nothing…

playing it safe and never changing…

at any rate, she’s debating…

she’s keeping her words to herself…

not because she’s unkind or stingy…

not at all, it’s entirely because…

she needs time to frame her answer…

as to not distress…

or hurt the questioner…

today, j*****a feels like being quiet…

emotional rescue…

my god, i love that song…for that matter i love the rolling stones. p***a and i used to play their albums on her record player. 

she introduced them to me and we used to talk about their songs in depth, while looking at fashion magazines.

i miss, p***a. she was my very best friend and my first girlfriend. she introduced me to cosmopolitan, vogue, and elle.

we’d lie on the floor and talk about models, clothes, shoes, shows, and designers. i loved fashion, the stones, and p***a.

as i think about it now. i think, “things were so easy then. i was with someone that i loved. i worked hard. and, i had money.”

i realized that my thoughts about that time period, were examples of “emotional truths.” they were highly romanticized. 

i then looked at that time period through a “factual truth” lens. and, i remembered and relived, the “factual truth.”

these things were all issues. i was underage and living in my parents house. i wasn’t out and was terrified of my parents.

they suspected something, they hated p***a, and forbid me to see her. i was threatened with homosexuals anonymous.

my dad promised, t*m l***e, that i would marry him. he was seven years older than me. i stood my ground and said, “no.”

p***a and i drifted apart. ironically, i moved out and into my own apartment, two weeks before, i was dumped.

so, my 🕵 gave me some homework recently…list five things that are symbolic of five, of my “emotional truths.”

i had a meltdown last night, because when i left her office on tuesday, i had all of the information that i needed. i understood.

but by last night, i still had all of the “pieces,” but had absolutely no idea of how they fit together, or even what they meant.

i was completely clueless, frustrated,  and embarrassed. today, we went over the differences between the two truths.

and i just sat there, looking at my therapist. i wasn’t understanding what on earth she wanted from me. i was frustrated.

she asked me what emotions were. i didn’t know. she asked me how i was feeling. and, i didn’t know that either.

she rummaged around in her desk and found a sheet full of “smiley faces,” representing different emotions/feelings.

she made me a copy and asked me to look at the faces, and read which ones corresponded to how i was feeling.

i scrutinized the faces, trying to understand and interpret them, and make connections that i could identify with.

as i looked, i got frustrated again. i don’t exactly know why, but i was just struggling to understand the differences, in the faces.

i was hard pressed and it took me quite awhile, but i eventually identified each one that i was, or had felt today…see below.

she looked at my notes from last session and came to the realization that, all of the familial drama, triggered my ptsd.

she told me that it pushed every button that i had and sent me straight into “amygdala highjack,” and no wonder…

i couldn’t think, feel, or understand. i was running purely on emotion, and not at all on logic. the following describes it:

“Under normal circumstances, you process information through your neocortex or “thinking brain” where logic occurs. The neocortex then routes the information to the amygdala, a small organ which lies deep in the center of your “emotional brain.” On occasion, there is a short circuit whereby the “thinking brain” is bypassed and signals are sent straight to the “emotional brain.” When this happens, you have an immediate, overwhelming emotional response disproportionate to the original event. The information is later relayed to higher brain regions that perform logic and decision-making processes, causing you to realize the inappropriateness of your original emotional response.” – by Neutrino 

i left therapy feeling frustrated, confused, silly, and kind of ridiculous…but hey, i’ve got a new worksheet to help me to identify emotions 😊.

my emotions throughout the day

i used to (conclusion part three)…

it’s funny, because i must have pushed that last concert experience far out of my mind until now, because the other night i wasn’t worried about a blasted thing…other than getting myself a great spot, cursing richard for all of his bullshit, and forgetting my phone. i’ve been feeling so good, so healthy, and so well, that it never occurred to me to have any worries, even though i would be all by myself.

i had absolutely no doubts in myself or my abilities whatsoever. i didn’t think about how far or how fast i would be walking. i had to walk through the parking garage, through the hotel, and through the crowd…which was like being a salmon swimming upstream…to get myself up to the stage. i never stopped for even a moment. i was one determined woman. i was resolute in my plan to have a good time and to do what i wanted to do.

i had no muscle fatigue, no shortness of breath, no panic, no anxiety (except for over being late and forgetting my phone), and no feeling like i didn’t belong or was out of place. i was prepared. i looked my very best and i knew it. i was filled with confidence and maneuvered my way to an awesome spot right up in the front, right next to the stage, by some really nice girls…oh, and right next to the giant speakers, which i love.

i claimed that spot, planted my feet, and was completely non-displaced for the duration. the opening band was pure bathing culture. i had never heard of them before, but after listening to their 30 minute set…i decided to download some of their music when i got home. they were pretty good, visually very interesting, but their sound was a little muffled. i did really enjoy them, but i was waiting for death cab for cutie.

during the intermission, the girls asked me if i could save their spots, while they went to the restroom. i told them that i would try, but couldn’t guarantee anything. so, i spent my time trying to make myself as large as possible, to occupy as much space as possible and i found that i really didn’t need to because the people for the most part were very nice, pleasant, and respectful. the girls arrived back to their spots and they brought me a water.

i’ve got to say, that that felt quite nice. i was acknowledged, treated very nicely, and thanked. i wasn’t just stared at or talked about, or ignored altogether, like i was invisible. i guess that i’ve allowed myself to grow accustomed to poor treatment by others and have just come to accept that, as being the”norm,” but my therapist has really helped me to see that the more i value myself and show that i do, the more others will follow suit.

the lights went down and i began to anticipate something very unexpected and magical…my heart began pounding, my ear began roaring more loudly and my stomach became weightless, like it was just floating up and down inside of my abdomen, not knowing where it truly belonged. and my god, i just had a feeling, an overwhelming…motherfucking feeling…

and, i do this sometimes to test myself to see if i’m right or not with feelings. i know that it’s weird, but it’s math. it’s statistics. it’s logic. and, i like seeing how often i’m right, versus how often i’m wrong. i tell myself something like, “well, if “x” happens at this point, then “y” will happen at this point.” basically, i’m just keeping “score” with myself for myself and usually that’s something that i just don’t share.

but, i had had this feeling for several days. i don’t know if it was just wishful thinking or fate, or the luck of the draw. i don’t know and frankly, don’t care. my feeling was about the first song that death cab for cutie would open with and i just felt sure enough to bet my life on, but of course wouldn’t. so, i “upped” the ante with myself and told myself,”okay if they open with, i will possess your heart, and, you are a tourist, is at some point after…”

what sarah said, then i’m about to experience a wonderful shift in my life.” so, there you have it…crazy, stupid, ridiculous…or, just a fun game that i’ve always played with myself. anyway, so my feeling was so absolutely palpable that i felt like i might just float off into the universe. the lights were down and first i heard the drum, the lone bass drum…beating, pounding like a heartbeat…pounding with the beat of my own heart.

and that, was all that i needed to hear and feel to know that i was absolutely fucking right…well, at least about the first part of my self-test. my heart was beating out of my chest, by the time that the first note was played on the piano, and a lone spotlight lit, ben gibbard, sitting at the piano playing. i didn’t need anyone to be there with me. in that moment, i had absolutely everything that i needed. i had myself and i had music.

i could let the music, the visuals, the smells, and the feelings wash over me…soak into me…and set my soul on fire. i could feel as the music exited the speaker and entered into my “good” left ear, and it vibrated inside of me, shaking me where i stood. it felt incredible. i was there at my first singular concert experience in 22 years, but i didn’t feel alone, nor was i. i was one of 1,000+.

i’ll have to say that time both seemed to stand still for big chunks at a time and move very rapidly, because the show seemed to be over in the blink of an eye. i was mesmerized and in my own little world. i wasn’t at all tired or fatigued, considering all of the walking and standing that i had done. i felt stronger, healthier, and more vital than i had been in years. i know of course, that i’m not super human and i still have to budget my energy, but wow!!

i impressed myself. i was able to see just how far i’ve been able to bring myself….from my last concert experience to this one…from huffing and puffing going up a single flight of stairs to walking all over a parking garage, a hotel, and a theater…and, from having to grimace and use a walker, to just walking and having no obstacles. i felt very blessed and very grateful for the two people that have helped me the most on this journey.

i still hadn’t heard either, what sarah said, or, you are a tourist. i didn’t care. after all, this was just a self-test, i had nothing to lose or gain. well, what sarah said, ended up being what i counted as the tenth song. i think that i must have been wearing a shit eating grin, because one of the girls whispered to me, “what’s so funny? care to share?” i wasn’t sure how to answer that question, so i just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

and then, there it was…my song. the song that describes exactly how i feel about myself and my life as it stands right now, especially after the debacle of yesterday. you are a tourist, began and i was pressed up against the stage very tightly, with everyone else, including the girls. i could see everything, which was very exciting for me. my only wish was that i would’ve had my phone, but that would have caused me to miss the moment.

i believe that on one hand the phone removes me from being present in the here and now. it takes me from being a participant to being an observer. i guess that some part of me always knew that, but never really cared enough to put it into thought or words. maybe i spend so much time on my phone, when around people, so that i won’t have to participate. i don’t know for sure, but the thought entered my mind.

without my phone, i was forced into the here and now. i was forced to interact one way or another, to look at other people and to be looked at, to notice and get a sense of feeling for my surroundings. during my song, as i stood there and intently watched, i was suddenly aware of a blinding white light, a warmth, a pressure, a kind touch from a stranger, and words being sung directly to me, although i could not see it, i heard and felt it.

it all happened both so quickly and seemingly in slow motion, that it’s nearly impossible to describe. one minute i was standing there watching and listening, the next i couldn’t see anything, but felt someone touch the top of my head and then move their hand to my cheek, and as they did that i heard the lyrics of my song being sung, “…save the tears, save the tears…” and then, i could see, but the hand and voice had moved along.

i was kind of beside myself, not in a bad way, but in a surreal, ethers kind of way. i wasn’t exactly sure what happened and i felt myself fighting really hard to remain present, and not to “float” off to another destination. i felt for my emdr rock inside my pocket and grounded myself. i looked at the girl who whispered to me earlier, with a quizzical kind of look. she began whispering again and i was kind of able to piece together what transpired.

i guess that the reason why i couldn’t see anything was because they were shining the spotlight on the lead singer (ben gibbard) and apparently, he was standing right in front of me, with his hand on me, while singing to me, and i couldn’t see any of it. of course, i heard it and i felt it…but, i just can’t believe that i didn’t get to see any of it!! the girl told me that i was pretty lucky…and, yes indeed, i do believe that i was!!

from that point on, i found it incredibly hard to focus on anything, so, i just listened with my heart and closed my eyes. the band came out and played three encore songs.overall, they were awesome!! the sound was much better this time, than it was last time, in the portland, rose garden arena. i came away from my first singular concert experience in 22 years…feeling excited, overwhelmed, and emotionally and mentally spent.

it’s funny, because i still had to walk through the theater, the hotel, and parking garage to the crv, but physically, i was still fine…a little bit tired, but fine. i got to the crv and there it was…my phone. and, i just moved it aside and ignored it. i figured that i had already had more than enough stimulation for one night. as i drove back to where i live, i was hit by the sadness that i had no one to talk to about my experience.

but then, i remembered that i could always write about it instead…so, here it is…what i used to do…the final installment. oh, and by the way…i am about to experience a wonderful shift in my life and i couldn’t be more ready. 🙂

 

the gift…

i made a gift that i put all of myself into. the gift filled my time, my imagination, and my heart. it made me happy to think about the person that it was going to and how it may or may not be used.

i spent three days. i used an old-timey ledger book and began by writing out all of my thoughts and ideas for the project. i focused on the person that the gift was going to. i listened to music.

as i created, i documented. i wrote everything of interest down. i took photos. i made simple animations. i made a playlist of all of the music that i listened to while creating. perhaps that matters to no one, but me… but, i will look back later and remember.

before deciding what to create, i meditated on that person. what i came up with was a deck of cards…a deck to do readings with. at the time, i had no idea if she was even capable or interested, in doing so, later i found out that she was.

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in the beginning…ideas pouring out…

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moving right along…gaining momentum…

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entering the home stretch…

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and there you have it…a labor of love…

as i thought about this person, my materials, and my overall vision for the project…ideas just flowed into my mind, one right after another. it wasn’t hard to know what to do. i can’t put it into words, i just felt it. one of my many gifts, is that of being a sensitive or intuitive. i am very good at reading people and energy, until self-doubt creeps in.

most of the time, i have absolutely no doubt in my gifts. it is only when i allow myself to become too close and emotions are involved that i even entertain doubt. in this project, i had absolutely no doubt. the person that i was making this deck of cards for has many gifts and skills of her own. when i thought of her, it’s what came to mind, quickly and easily.

when cards popped into my mind, i immediately thought of this deck. i have carried this deck with me in my backpack for the last two years and before that i carried it around in my car for the previous nine years. i bought this deck for myself the very first time that i ever went to montana. it was in 2006, with sarah…my mom spotted it and had me buy it.

the cards have been with me for the last eleven years. they’ve traveled with me through oregon, washington, idaho, montana, wyoming, colorado, utah, arizona, new mexico, nevada, and iowa. i never played with them. i used to take them out and just look at all of the dogs. they made me happy. they absorbed all of my good energy, travels, and history.

i thought about the characteristics of this person. i thought about what i wanted to relate to her. i thought most of all, i wanted her to see herself in these cards. i wanted them to be a reflection of her. that’s why i chose the materials, text, words, and phrases that i did. i wanted her to be able to read for others or herself, but to be able to be very specific.

i wanted her to see herself in these cards, the way that i saw her. i wanted her to be able to see herself and see the word/quality, right there smack dab in the middle of her own reflection…so that, she would have to confront the reality that she embodies so much more good, than bad…that she is more yin, than yang…and much more light, than dark.

i chose to utilize aluminum foil to accomplish the reflective element. the foil definitely gives a reflection, not crisp and clear, but ethereal and open ended. i decided that it would be up to her and her own sensitivity to interpret the reflection, along with the word, the number, the suit, and the placement of the card, thus making it very specific to only her.

i chose to utilize words and bits of text, as communication and conversation were always very important to both of us. we were both very avid readers and have a passion for books. we both were very verbose and possess a more than superior knowledge of vocabulary…both proper and slang. we both understood and utilized double and triple meanings quite often.

the gift was one of the most unique gifts that i have ever made. i put a lot of time, effort, good intent, great energy, and unconditional love into it. she knows that everything from the reflective quality, the word, the number, the suit, and the placement of the card means something, and she knows she’s the only one who will ever know exactly what they mean.

that all being said, this how the idea that i received broke down, when it came to the cards themselves:

the deck itself existed of 56 cards total. the standard 52 number and face cards. 2 wild cards. and, 2 advertisement cards. all cards were altered and embellished. all cards are meant to be used in conjunction with one another.

the suits and the qualities that they reflect/stand for:

hearts —> reflect/relate to feelings and emotions.

diamonds —> reflect/relate to worth and value.

clubs —> reflect/relate to domesticity and family.

spades —> reflect/relate to career and social.

the number cards of each suit and the words/phrases that they reflect/stand for:

hearts—>

     2 = happy – shihtzu

     3 = thankful – boston terrier

     4 = loves – miniature schnauzer

     5 = hopeful – old english sheepdog

     6 = wonderful – american cocker spaniel

     7 = curious – rottweiler

     8 = gracious – welsh corgi

     9 = accountability – chow chow

    10 = nurturing – siberian husky

     j = positive – jack russell terrier

     q = passionate – saluki

     k = compassion – border collie

     a = genuine – akita

diamonds —>

     2 = safe – labrador retriever

     3 = trusted – pomeranian

     4 = strong – papillon

     5 = smart – newfoundland

     6 = creative – japanese terrier

     7 = loyal – australian shepherd

     8 = courageous – afghan hound

     9 = solid – maltese

    10 = amazing – english cocker spaniel

     j = insight – bull terrier

     q = honorable – bouvier des flanders

     k = without fear – bulldog

     a = confidence – golden retriever

clubs —>

     2 = open – pug

     3 = fun – dachshund

     4 = supporter – german shepherd

     5 = help – poodle

     6 = mentor – basenji

     7 = advisor – st. bernard

     8 = productive – airedale terrier

     9 = comfort – shiba inu

    10 = empowering – lakeland terrier

     j = responsible – french bulldog

     q = diplomat – miniature pinscher

     k = control – shetland sheepdog

     a = commitment – irish setter

spades —>

     2 = beautiful – chihuahua

     3 = excited – dandie dinmount terrier

     4 = direct – basset hound

     5 = engaging – yorkshire terrier

     6 = focused – chinese crested

     7 = reasonable – boxer

     8 = pride – flat coated retriever

     9 = winner – cavalier king charles spaaniel

    10 = professional – dalmatian

     j = resspected – polish lowland sheepdog

     q = successful – bichon friese

     k = competitive – leonberger

     a = power – bernese mountain dog

the 2 wild cards and the 2 advertisement cards reflect/stand for:

wild cards —>

     1 = prepared and in control

     2 = calculating and composed

advertisement cards —>

     1 = extroverted and quick witted

     2 = zealous and vigilant

*** here’s the thing about the gift. i was told that it never arrived. so, i guess that the reason that i chose to write about it, is so that i can look back and see that i made something pretty unique. so, when i am much older and much greyer, i will know that i created something pretty meaningful and pretty extraordinary. so, in the end, i guess that i made the gift for myself…and, chose words that were a reflection of me…and, i saw the words in my own reflection…and, apparently they always were parts of me. i only wish that she would have received them, because i made them for her…when i told her about them on the phone…she was excited and happy…we went over every single detail of each meaning, of each card. and, i told her that if she didn’t want them, that she should take them to the roseman covered bridge, and toss them through the hole into the icy river below…and she asked, ” but why would i do that?”…i really don’t know why i said that, but it seemed apropos at the time, since that’s where she dropped her phone, and we had quite an adventure and history there…we will never know what became of…the gift.***

it was a very weird feeling…

it was a very weird feeling, when i packed a bag, put it in the car, and drove myself to somewhere that i’ve never been. it was kind of like a deja vu moment.

it reminded me of when i drove to sheridan, wyoming. same thing, i packed my back, had a room waiting, and drove off to a place that i had never been.

as i drove to mesquite, i couldn’t shake this very weird feeling. it was attached to me. it was everywhere. i fought to keep my heavy eyelids open (no provigil).

as i drove to sheridan, i was extremely nervous, worried, excited, scared, and full of hope. i fought trying to keep my heavy eyelids open, by eating jerky.

as i drove to mesquite, the radio volume was kicked, all the way up, and i listened to a station that was 70’s to today’s music. i thought that, that was apropos.

as i drove to sheridan, the radio was blaring. i switched stations constantly, trying to find the things that i liked, at the time. i sang, at the top of my lungs.

driving to mesquite, my god, adele kept following and haunting me, until i heard, “hello…,” at which point i began laughing so hard, thinking of the parody.

driving to sheridan, because i kept changing the station, every song was a song that i liked, every song was happy, hopeful, and uplifting.

on the way to mesquite, i watched the landscape, as it changed from sharp gravel, dirt, and dust…to beautiful mesas and valleys, of orange, pink, and red.

on the way to sheridan, i watched the landscape shift, between rolling grass plains and big tall, strong, beautiful mountains.

going to mesquite, i was excited to be going to spend time with my friend, of thirty-five years. i knew that we would have a great time, not miss a beat. 

going to sheridan, i was was so nervous. i was going to meet someone that i had never met before, but had only talked to. as nervous as i was, i was full of hope.

pulling into mesquite, i noticed that it was both a quaint old town and ritzy, retreat town. a mix of old and new. i filled up with gas, it was $2.49/gallon.

pulling into sheridan, i noticed what a beautiful, old, historic town it was. full of cute shops and places to explore. i filled up with gas, it was $1.79/gallon.

upon my arrival to mesquite, i met my friend at the hotel. i was so happy to see her. we got settled into our rooms and then met up to talk, and walk dogs.

upon my arrival to sheridan, i parked the car, my nerves subsided, and i went and met my friend. i came in from the back and surprised her. i gave her a hug.

in mesquite, my friend and i decided to go to dinner. we drove around and around, looking for a place with outdoor seating. we finally found a place.

in sheridan, my friend had already picked the place, based on a feeling. java moon was located, in a 1906 building on main street, full of history and charm.

in mesquite, we chose to eat at peggy sue’s diner. we ordered breakfast for dinner. we talked about my craziness. we talked about her adventure to scotland.

in sheridan, my friend had already had coffee. i was okay and had nothing. she was there trying to study. i was there to try to help her. i don’t think i helped.

during dinner in mesquite, i was often times distracted, by the multitudes of creepy, crawling crickets that gathered themselves, on the walls around us.

in sheridan, we decided to go get something to eat. we ended up, at subway, for salads. i said,”we will always have sheridan, subway, and salads.”

we waddled out of peggy sue’s diner, in mesquite. we were both pretty full. we went back to our rooms, rested for a bit, and then regrouped.

we went back to java moon, in sheridan. my friend got out her books and started to study again. i got distracted by her left hand. i felt compelled to read her palm.

in mesquite, my friend and i, decided to walk the dogs, one more time before sleepy-nighties. we enjoyed the mild evening, talked more, and laughed.

in sheridan, our studying and chatting attracted the attention, of a man sitting near us. he was straining to hear each word, to know why we laughed out loud.

back in mesquite, my friend and i, called it a night, both of us exhausted from driving, eating, and walking dogs. we agreed to meet up again, in the morning.

back in sheridan, we tried to study a little bit more. it happened to be three vee words,”venturi-vagal-vaults.”then, we threw in “vagina,” for shock value.

the next morning, in mesquite, my friend and i regrouped. we talked a little more, while we walked dogs. we enjoyed the beauty surrounding us.

java moon, in sheridan, was trying to close around us. we had scared away the gawking, eavesdropping man with,”vagina.” the books were gathered.

in mesquite, my friend finished packing her car up. she loaded up her pups. then, we posed for selfies to commemorate our trip, with the mesas, in the background.

in sheridan, my friend put her stuff, into her car, then walked me to mine. we talked for a little bit, about the man that we “scared” away with “vagina.”

in mesquite, i gave my friend a big hug. i asked her to let me know, when she reached her destination. i told her to travel safely and i thanked her.

in sheridan, my friend needed to get going. i wasn’t sure what to do, so i stuck my hand out. she hugged me, and kissed my cheek. i did the same, awkwardly.

once my friend left mesquite, i felt gratitude. gratitude for our friendship, for time to talk and share, for time to relax, and for some canine time.

once my friend left sheridan, i felt a lot of things, one of them most definitely was gratitude. i was grateful that she met me and gave me a chance.

on my way home, from mesquite, i reflected on my thirty-five year friendship. i know that my friend has always been there for me and i try to do the same. i know that the next time, that we meet up again, we will pick up right where we left off. she is part of my family. she is in my heart.

when i arrived at my hotel, in sheridan, i received a phone call, from my friend. we had a really nice call, that lasted her whole drive home to gillette. i told her about my bagel story. she told me about talking to her friend, about our meeting. it was quid pro quo for awhile and then she just asked me to tell her things. she let me know when she arrived home and we hung up. i felt hopeful. i felt good. 

it’s a very weird feeling, when one thing can trigger another thing. and bam, you are right back in that place…hearing the words and sounds, seeing the sights and people, tasting the flavors, smelling the fragrances and aromas, and feeling the touches and feelings. to me, as long as it is a good trigger and not a bad one, sometimes it’s good to walk down memory lane. this walk down memory lane, was bittersweet for me. though my friend is no longer in my life, she will always remain in my heart.

i guess that this was just my first solo road trip, going somewhere, that i’d never been before, since going to sheridan. i guess that’s why i had not a very weird feeling, but a very bittersweet memory.

amygdala hijack…

yesterday, i learned all about this term, that i had never heard before. i got out my notepad and began taking notes. 

“amygdala hijack is an immediate and overwhelming emotional response out of proportion to the stimulus because it has triggered a more significant emotional threat. the amygdala is the part of our brain that handles emotions. during the amygdala hijack, the amygdala “hijacks” or shuts down the neo-cortex.”

“the neo-cortex is involved in higher functions such as sensory perception, generation of motor commands, spatial reasoning, and language.”

without a fully functioning neo-cortex, one loses many specialized skills required for everyday living, for interpersonal relationships, and for finding a place for themselves, in the world.

(just a note. from now on, therapy = 🌪, emdr = 🦄, therapist = 🕵)

while having this discussion, with my 🕵. she told me that she suspected, that i’ve lived most of my life, in amygdala hijack. she said that people with extremely, traumatic pasts…often times live in this mode. 

she told me that, while yes, i possess a bag full of tricks and “superpowers,” as a person, who at times dissociates…the downside of it is being overly emotional, really sensitive, and spending too much time focusing on feelings.

because i’ve been living in amygdala hijack, i lack common sense, good judgement, simple logic, negotiating skills, ability to effectively enforce boundaries, etc. 

this rings very true to me. i have often times wondered, how i could be both so bright and gifted, but also so stupid and gullible. as i told one of my ghanaian “friends,””i am the most brilliant moron, i know.”

my 🕵 informed me, that there was hope in store for me. luckily, the problem was identified. finally knowing, that there was a problem, a disconnect and knowing what it was, was half the battle.

she told me that through the magic of 🦄, we could add it to our protocol and it would give me tools to remain present, and live more out of my neo-cortex, than out of my amygdala.

so, this is really pretty interesting, scientifically explained, phenomena of our busy, bustling brains. there is hope for me, to live less as an emotional being and more as a rational, logical being with good common sense, good judgement, and the ability to enforce boundaries.

i’ve been practicing and i’m very happy to report that my tools, are coming in handy. i’m using them to stay present and utilizing my neo-cortex, where i can make good decisions. 

i am trying not to make decisions that are amygdala based, because they are rash and based in emotion, and feelings. that’s how i screwed myself, out of what and who i wanted. 

now that i have more tools, i can make sure that i keep my amygdala, in check. when you do things a certain way, for most of your life, it’s hard to change. but, with 🦄, it is becoming second nature and gets easier, each time.