limbo…

oh yes, i know it well…

balancing on the precipice…

leaning and swaying…

trying to decide what’s best…

it’s the point of surrender…

it’s the point of giving up…

it’s complicated and it’s confusing…

but, the best things happen…

when you least expect them to…

i still have faith…

and, i still have hope…

i can get what i want…

and, i will…watch me…

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may 31, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…new seasons of bloodline, house of cards, and orange is the new black, on netflix…

…a beautiful sunrise of fuchsias and violets…

…an early morning walk with buggs, although it was really humid and sticky…

…four cups of black coffee, in my favorite mug, which is just generic white, 1950’s diner style…

…five different types of tournament solitaire (klondike, spider, free cell, pyramid, and tri-peak) to keep my busy mind from wandering, too far…

…i’m grateful that my friend, g***e, made it home safely from, india…where she had hip surgery. i wish her a very, speedy recovery…

…all of my friends…

…r*****d taking us girls to the omelette house for breakfast…yummy eggs…

…the money to pay, r*****d, back what i owed him…

…the fact that i get paid tomorrow…

…a quiet evening without r*****d. he went out gambling…

i am strong and healthy. i am able and agile. i am open to possibility. 

namaste.

whoopsie…

…indeed.

last night i was walking buggs and usually i’m very careful to take the paths furthest from where the “proselytizing white shirts” live. 

(yes, this is a relatively “new trick”…moving into apartment complexes and spending each and everyday trying to convert the neighbors. i don’t know why there isn’t some kind of rule against it. w***y, told me that the church actually owns the complex. i don’t know for sure!)

okay, here’s the thing, you’re free to believe whatever you want, but please don’t constantly come after me when i’m trying to exercise and enjoy my night with my dog. i neither take kindly to it, nor respond well to it. my dog came from a rescue and is very wary of overly zealous strangers, who pop up willy-nilly and approach aggressively. 

so, last night we went out at about 9:33 pm. it was past the time that i perceive to be “mormon bedtime.” i thought that we were safe. buggs was peeing on a tree and out of nowhere, quite possibly the bushes…white shirt, red tie and white shirt, blue tie appear…quickly and aggressively. 

i tugged on bugg’s leash and told him, “let’s go.” we began retreating  in the opposite direction, but they pursued us and chased after us while we were just trying “to be.” we stopped very suddenly, buggs was pissed, his hackles were up…the men were two feet from us…hands out, trying to shove booklets in my face.

i was choking on the bile of their sickeningly sweet address. i was frustrated by being followed and literally being “hunted” within my own complex. i was disgusted by their lack of common sense, decency, and compassion…for their neighbors and people in general.

after i’ve greeted them, been nice and said, “hello” hundreds of times, and i’ve explained in complete detail why they will never convert me to mormonism (maybe i should say, “moronism.”)…because i’m a lesbian who smokes medical marijuana, and enjoys an occasional drink and coffee. i’m a “salty” character, who uses colorful language. i despise organized religion. to me, any religion that is under 200 years old is a cult. i’ve got no interest in joining a cult, but nice try boys!!

i’ve explained about my dog and they keep coming, buggs hates creeping, male strangers. he took an aggressive/protective posture and let out a long, low growl. i said, “did you not hear that? that mean he’s going to attack you,  if you come any closer. he said, “that’s okay, dog’s love me. i’m not scared.” he came closer and crouched to touch, buggs. i scooped up my dog with both hands, in a quick swift movement.

previously, i had been holding bugg’s leash in my left hand and holding my cargo shorts up with my right hand, as all of my shorts are two sizes too big, since i’ve lost one hundred plus pounds. as i hugged buggs up to my chest, i looked into white shirt, red tie’s eyes and angrily growled, ” get the fuck away from me and stay away from me.” i felt something happen, which i had tried to control.

and, sure enough…i knew that feeling. i stood there and my cargo shorts fell to the ground. standing there in my t-shirt and boxer shorts, i very gingerly stepped out of my cargos, picked them up, looked at the shocked guys, and proudly, and confidently marched back to the apartment in my t-shirt and boxers.

whoopsie…

the gift…

i made a gift that i put all of myself into. the gift filled my time, my imagination, and my heart. it made me happy to think about the person that it was going to and how it may or may not be used.

i spent three days. i used an old-timey ledger book and began by writing out all of my thoughts and ideas for the project. i focused on the person that the gift was going to. i listened to music.

as i created, i documented. i wrote everything of interest down. i took photos. i made simple animations. i made a playlist of all of the music that i listened to while creating. perhaps that matters to no one, but me… but, i will look back later and remember.

before deciding what to create, i meditated on that person. what i came up with was a deck of cards…a deck to do readings with. at the time, i had no idea if she was even capable or interested, in doing so, later i found out that she was.

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in the beginning…ideas pouring out…

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moving right along…gaining momentum…

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entering the home stretch…

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and there you have it…a labor of love…

as i thought about this person, my materials, and my overall vision for the project…ideas just flowed into my mind, one right after another. it wasn’t hard to know what to do. i can’t put it into words, i just felt it. one of my many gifts, is that of being a sensitive or intuitive. i am very good at reading people and energy, until self-doubt creeps in.

most of the time, i have absolutely no doubt in my gifts. it is only when i allow myself to become too close and emotions are involved that i even entertain doubt. in this project, i had absolutely no doubt. the person that i was making this deck of cards for has many gifts and skills of her own. when i thought of her, it’s what came to mind, quickly and easily.

when cards popped into my mind, i immediately thought of this deck. i have carried this deck with me in my backpack for the last two years and before that i carried it around in my car for the previous nine years. i bought this deck for myself the very first time that i ever went to montana. it was in 2006, with sarah…my mom spotted it and had me buy it.

the cards have been with me for the last eleven years. they’ve traveled with me through oregon, washington, idaho, montana, wyoming, colorado, utah, arizona, new mexico, nevada, and iowa. i never played with them. i used to take them out and just look at all of the dogs. they made me happy. they absorbed all of my good energy, travels, and history.

i thought about the characteristics of this person. i thought about what i wanted to relate to her. i thought most of all, i wanted her to see herself in these cards. i wanted them to be a reflection of her. that’s why i chose the materials, text, words, and phrases that i did. i wanted her to be able to read for others or herself, but to be able to be very specific.

i wanted her to see herself in these cards, the way that i saw her. i wanted her to be able to see herself and see the word/quality, right there smack dab in the middle of her own reflection…so that, she would have to confront the reality that she embodies so much more good, than bad…that she is more yin, than yang…and much more light, than dark.

i chose to utilize aluminum foil to accomplish the reflective element. the foil definitely gives a reflection, not crisp and clear, but ethereal and open ended. i decided that it would be up to her and her own sensitivity to interpret the reflection, along with the word, the number, the suit, and the placement of the card, thus making it very specific to only her.

i chose to utilize words and bits of text, as communication and conversation were always very important to both of us. we were both very avid readers and have a passion for books. we both were very verbose and possess a more than superior knowledge of vocabulary…both proper and slang. we both understood and utilized double and triple meanings quite often.

the gift was one of the most unique gifts that i have ever made. i put a lot of time, effort, good intent, great energy, and unconditional love into it. she knows that everything from the reflective quality, the word, the number, the suit, and the placement of the card means something, and she knows she’s the only one who will ever know exactly what they mean.

that all being said, this how the idea that i received broke down, when it came to the cards themselves:

the deck itself existed of 56 cards total. the standard 52 number and face cards. 2 wild cards. and, 2 advertisement cards. all cards were altered and embellished. all cards are meant to be used in conjunction with one another.

the suits and the qualities that they reflect/stand for:

hearts —> reflect/relate to feelings and emotions.

diamonds —> reflect/relate to worth and value.

clubs —> reflect/relate to domesticity and family.

spades —> reflect/relate to career and social.

the number cards of each suit and the words/phrases that they reflect/stand for:

hearts—>

     2 = happy – shihtzu

     3 = thankful – boston terrier

     4 = loves – miniature schnauzer

     5 = hopeful – old english sheepdog

     6 = wonderful – american cocker spaniel

     7 = curious – rottweiler

     8 = gracious – welsh corgi

     9 = accountability – chow chow

    10 = nurturing – siberian husky

     j = positive – jack russell terrier

     q = passionate – saluki

     k = compassion – border collie

     a = genuine – akita

diamonds —>

     2 = safe – labrador retriever

     3 = trusted – pomeranian

     4 = strong – papillon

     5 = smart – newfoundland

     6 = creative – japanese terrier

     7 = loyal – australian shepherd

     8 = courageous – afghan hound

     9 = solid – maltese

    10 = amazing – english cocker spaniel

     j = insight – bull terrier

     q = honorable – bouvier des flanders

     k = without fear – bulldog

     a = confidence – golden retriever

clubs —>

     2 = open – pug

     3 = fun – dachshund

     4 = supporter – german shepherd

     5 = help – poodle

     6 = mentor – basenji

     7 = advisor – st. bernard

     8 = productive – airedale terrier

     9 = comfort – shiba inu

    10 = empowering – lakeland terrier

     j = responsible – french bulldog

     q = diplomat – miniature pinscher

     k = control – shetland sheepdog

     a = commitment – irish setter

spades —>

     2 = beautiful – chihuahua

     3 = excited – dandie dinmount terrier

     4 = direct – basset hound

     5 = engaging – yorkshire terrier

     6 = focused – chinese crested

     7 = reasonable – boxer

     8 = pride – flat coated retriever

     9 = winner – cavalier king charles spaaniel

    10 = professional – dalmatian

     j = resspected – polish lowland sheepdog

     q = successful – bichon friese

     k = competitive – leonberger

     a = power – bernese mountain dog

the 2 wild cards and the 2 advertisement cards reflect/stand for:

wild cards —>

     1 = prepared and in control

     2 = calculating and composed

advertisement cards —>

     1 = extroverted and quick witted

     2 = zealous and vigilant

*** here’s the thing about the gift. i was told that it never arrived. so, i guess that the reason that i chose to write about it, is so that i can look back and see that i made something pretty unique. so, when i am much older and much greyer, i will know that i created something pretty meaningful and pretty extraordinary. so, in the end, i guess that i made the gift for myself…and, chose words that were a reflection of me…and, i saw the words in my own reflection…and, apparently they always were parts of me. i only wish that she would have received them, because i made them for her…when i told her about them on the phone…she was excited and happy…we went over every single detail of each meaning, of each card. and, i told her that if she didn’t want them, that she should take them to the roseman covered bridge, and toss them through the hole into the icy river below…and she asked, ” but why would i do that?”…i really don’t know why i said that, but it seemed apropos at the time, since that’s where she dropped her phone, and we had quite an adventure and history there…we will never know what became of…the gift.***

visitor…

yesterday, i had a very real visitor…

i wasn’t asleep…

i wasn’t living in the ethers…

i was in the middle of a meditation…

with a dog asleep in my lap…

i became aware of a warm, wet spot on the back of my neck…

i felt very faint breath for a moment…

i felt both warmth and gentle vibration go through my body…

i didn’t move…

i just allowed myself to feel…

the dog in my lap jumped up…

he barked and dug at my lap…

i felt love…

i looked up and watched as a shadow moved across the wall…

and then, just disappeared out the sliding glass door…

i believe that my visitor made a special trip to me…

to tell me that he loved me…

to tell me that he’d see me soon…

he left me hopeful and grateful…

for his visitation and for giving me peace…

attachment styles…

this is something that i just learned about, as well. i am so fortunate, to have all of this new information, easy to use tools, new found self-awareness, and a desire to be as healthy, as possible. 

there is hope for me. there is hope for anyone, who desires more. more independence, trust, honesty, intimacy, security, and connection, within a relationship with a partner.

there is an interesting article, in psychology today, that describes the four attachment styles, and how maladaptive attachment styles can be changed. there is hope, for anyone wishing to change (the article).

for me…i choose learning, changing, and growth, even at my age. knowledge is power. i have the power to have all that i want and need, it’s within my grasp. 

i am good on my own. i don’t require anyone to complete my life. what i do want, eventually, is a true partner. someone to dream with, explore with, play with, and grow with.

i want space to be my own person and be able to continue to grow, as an individual. i want that for my partner, as well. that way when we spend time together, it can be truly quality time. time to share, have intimacy, and true connection.

i am holding out for my “fairytale,” yes, i am fully aware of the fact, that it may never happen. but, if it ever does, i will be ready and waiting…strong, self-aware, self-assured, healthy, balanced, grounded, and present. 

as for me, i choose to live in gratitude and abound in hope, because without hope, all is lost. hope is all, that i have, it sustains me and keeps me waking up everyday.

“hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes without the words – and never stops at all.” – emily dickinson

“once you choose hope, anything’s possible.” – christopher reeve

“hope sends the dawn that we might see the might-have-beens, that still might be.” – robert brault


august 24, 2016…

today, i am grateful for…

…being woken up early, but nicely…

…interesting dreams last night…

…wendy and jenny convincing me to go with them to ikea. got twice the amount of walking in today…

…the wonderful breakfast scramble, that chef wendy made for me this morning. it was eggs, freshly grated parmesan, finely chopped salami, and fresh jalapenos…

…a day without loud-loud television in my roaring ear, and loud-loud deaf man yelling, over the loud-loud television, in my “good ear…”

…jalapenos with melted, sharp, cheddar cheese (and the person who showed me how delicious it is, in the first place)…

…nice text messages, from nice people…

…getting to talk to my friend, grace, yesterday. she is always so positive, supportive, and inspiring…

…clean laundry…

…losing two more inches off of my waist, going down another short’s size, and losing twenty-two more pounds…

determination fuels my spirit. challenges give me a different perspective. love fills my heart.

namaste.