my eyes have seen the glory…

as i go on about my journey, there are more and more things to be grateful for. i’m now living an abundant life, as i fulfill my simple purpose of kindness. 

i strive to be present. i’m savoring those good and special moments, that in the past, i’ve taken for granted. i’ve grown and changed. i’m confident in myself.

everyday i learn something new. i allow myself to remain positive and open minded. i’ve learned from my past errors and don’t intend to repeat them.

being here in greenfield, iowa…has been a big, fucking adventure for both me and my dog. it has been so good to expand my horizons and thought processes.

i’m challenged to be my best on a daily basis. i’m forced to go outside of all that i know, believe, and feel. i find myself an active participant, no longer an observer.

here, i have complete freedom. freedom to become, to discuss, to converse…all openly, freely, and honestly. words and vocabulary are embraced. i feel nurtured.

happiness and joy can be found in cooking together, sitting down and sharing a meal, or a shopping trip to the local dollar general or shopko.

i feel safe within my chosen bubble. i’m valued, included, and cared for. i’m neither an after thought, nor an inconvenience. my feelings matter.

yesterday, my friend and i drove to des moines, in tandem. we were returning my rental car. i lead the way, with my friend following me. 

it was an absolutely beautiful day, after having some really cold yucky days. the sun was beginning to set, as we drove. the sky began turning pastel colors.

the sunlight was like no other light that i’ve seen before…ethereal, soft, transformative. i couldn’t help myself. i kept turning around to watch the sunset.

although those moves put me in the middle of the highway, it was worth it. i stared into the light to remember, to sear it into my brain. 

my eyes have seen the glory and i’ll never be the same…

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congruence…

in the dictionary, congruence is defined as: agreement or harmony, compatibility.

in psychology, congruence is defined as: a good fit or harmony, between the real self, the perceived self, and the ideal self. a healthy state of being, that helps people to progress toward self-actualization.

from my experience participating in the day of kindness event and learning about core values…i realize, that i now know what congruence is and what it feels like. 

it felt really wonderful to me, to remain present, keep things simple, and most of all not think about myself, or my problems. i had one very simple purpose, *conscious* kindness. 

putting everything together, in a real-life, physical sense…i was able to understand the connection and concept of congruence, being true to my core value of kindness, and feeling/actively being purposeful.

as i continue along this journey, i am continually surprised at how much i didn’t know…about myself, who i am, or who i can become. i have limited myself, with negative thought patterns, self-doubt, and shame. 

i am aware now, that i no longer have to live with, or accept those limitations. i have new tools, plenty of options, and new found self-confidence. i can succeed in anything that i set my mind to. i have unlimited potential and possibilities.

substance…

substance is a very rare quality, to find in another human being…

it’s either there or it’s not…

when someone possesses substance, it’s the difference between dark and light…

it’s paying attention to the little things…

substance listens with an open heart and speaks with a kind, but discerning tongue…

it’s grace, under pressure…

substance is strength of character, honesty, and choosing to do the right thing, in the face of adversity…

it’s being a good friend…

substance is intelligence, confidence, and elegance of spirit…

it’s simplistic, child-like wonder…

substance is the quality of thinking first and responding, only after giving an issue careful thought…

it’s handmade valentine’s and puffy unicorn stickers…

substance is the ability to really see someone, for who they are…past, present, and future…

it’s being able to dream out loud, tell a good story, or sing a silly song…

substance is the ability to live in gratitude, be present, and experience abundance…

it’s being open to love, intimacy, and trust…

once you’ve experienced, having a person of substance, in your life…everyone else seems insignificant…

it’s being fearless, staying, and not bouncing…



“bounced…”

i guess that there was some part of me that knew it. but, i hid it from myself very well. i’m the one that screwed me. i’m the one, that “bounced.”

she was right, when she said,”well you wasted no time.” i had what my dad said to me, planted firmly, in my mind. i made a fight, or flight decision.

i have several desensitization targets, for emdr. one of them is eliminating, my dad’s voice from my head. which manifests itself, as self-doubt and fear.

i have talked about, april fools day, many times, because it became a trigger. when i returned home that day, i was talking to my sister, in the kitchen.

all of the sudden, i heard a self-assured, cocky, and smug voice, coming from the living room. “see, i was right. i told you so.” that statement has stuck with me.

it wasn’t just what he said. it was the way that he said it…he was happy and proud of the fact, that he believed that he was right…but, he wasn’t.

he knew that i was not doing well and he goaded me. reminded me of how much of a “loser in love,” i was and reiterated the fact that no one would ever want me.

his voice, his words, and his way of presenting them, have stuck with me. infiltrating my dreams, my thoughts and my self-confidence.

we have been focusing on this particular event, because it haunts me. if we can remove the power and stigma created by what he said. i can get rid of his voice.

emdr, puts me right back in that place, but gives me tools to use, to desensitize the situation. it combines eye movements, with grounding techniques.

today, we were going through the emdr protocol. my therapist asked me how i felt. i told her, that i was having a hard time, because i was missing the person, that my dad was talking about.

and then, my therapist looked me, in the eyes, and told me,”really? because from what you told me about that email that you sent…you “bounced.”

i looked back at her, incredulously. i thought about it for a moment and replied,”yeah, but…i thought that…i mean…i tried to explain…”

she looked back at me, showing no mercy, sucked on her vape stick, and very matter of factly said,”no, you bounced…it was, too late.”

it pretty much knocked the wind out of me. i thought long and hard about it, and realized that i had assumed and jumped to conclusions, without knowing anything. i wrote that email in, an emotional state, and it did sound like i “bounced.”

i screwed myself. that day, i WAS the april fool. it doesn’t matter now, why i did what i did, but i regret it everyday. i guess that it happened for a reason.

without experiencing the impact of this, very costly lesson, i would never have become a health warrior. i would have never been as strong and able, as i am today.

i would have never met, my therapist. i would have never experienced emdr, or the healing that it brings. i would have never been able to mute, the powerful voice of my dad, self-doubt, and negativity. 

i now have tools that i can use, that make sense, and work for me. i am healing. i am growing and changing, as a more whole, positive, present individual.

i will always miss, her. she was very special to me. who knows, maybe one day, she will come and find me, claim that piggy back ride, that i owe her. i’ll be the spunky, sassy, spinster slinging seeds to the seagulls, at the beach.

august 24, 2016…

today, i am grateful for…

…being woken up early, but nicely…

…interesting dreams last night…

…wendy and jenny convincing me to go with them to ikea. got twice the amount of walking in today…

…the wonderful breakfast scramble, that chef wendy made for me this morning. it was eggs, freshly grated parmesan, finely chopped salami, and fresh jalapenos…

…a day without loud-loud television in my roaring ear, and loud-loud deaf man yelling, over the loud-loud television, in my “good ear…”

…jalapenos with melted, sharp, cheddar cheese (and the person who showed me how delicious it is, in the first place)…

…nice text messages, from nice people…

…getting to talk to my friend, grace, yesterday. she is always so positive, supportive, and inspiring…

…clean laundry…

…losing two more inches off of my waist, going down another short’s size, and losing twenty-two more pounds…

determination fuels my spirit. challenges give me a different perspective. love fills my heart.

namaste.

“talking to myself…when nobody’s home,” (note to self)…

…when someone tells you something that sends up a flag, you should listen…because something that is uttered as a, “funny haha,” or moment of, “self-awareness,” can be the harbinger of the future…the flicker of illumination, into that person’s modus operandi, into their character…into their hearts intent…

…if someone tells you that they are a schizophrenic…that doesn’t mean that they aren’t a truly wonderful person, worth loving…it just means that you should listen, with your whole heart, decide if she can handle the highest heights, and the lowest lows. decide if your heart can take it…is the “juice” worth the squeeze? if you proceed, a word of caution…schizophrenia, is a disease…it’s certainly not a choice!! instability, of any kind, does not fair well, for the gooshy hearted. learn your lesson…don’t think that things will be different for you, because you’re different…you’re special…you’re worth it. it’s a disease. it’s nothing personal. it’s just the way it is. wendy is right, when she says that,”people are online, for a reason…,” it’s true!! no matter how much, “the heart wants, what the heart wants…,” you don’t have to listen…you don’t have to put yourself, in that position, just because you are needing…to feel loved, to feel special, to feel like you make a difference…like you matter…because you do matter. your heart is precious, tender, valuable…don’t give it up for instability, imbalance, or insecurity. you will feel the wonderous heights of all that love has to offer…but at some point…you will crash and burn. are you okay with that? will you survive that? are you worth more than that?

…if someone says to you,”…maybe i am a narcissist…,” fuck yeah!! what was your first clue? are you freaking kidding me? why are you still there…listening, believing, trusting? it began as such a beautiful thing…feeling so fucking special, so valuable, so worthwhile…and that continued for a few weeks, maybe even a month…and then, you said something innocent, maybe asked the wrong question, maybe you didn’t use the right emoji…it doesn’t matter what it is, it will happen…narcissism will show it’s ugly head. suddenly out of nowhere, there will be an attitude…all at once, everything that had been good, special, and wonderful about you…is now off putting, offensive, obtuse. out of nowhere, with no forewarning…”your person,” disappears…the first time, for a day, or two…reappearing, as if nothing had ever happened…no mention of, what or why…no acknowledgement, whatsoever, leaving you no choice, but to believe that, you might actually be, a “little nutty,” like everything is/was, all in your mind. then, “your person,” suddenly reappears…frantic, because they think that you, have moved on…stopped taking their phone calls, and answering their texts…when in all reality…your phone was down, because of the storm. you are once again, flattered…,” you feel like you still have, “a chance.” you know better than to question, the disappearance. you begin to know, what will make, “your person,” disappear…you stop being yourself…because that self that was so wonderful, awesome, and adorable…has now become…loathsome, boring, so not special. you lose yourself, your identity, your spirit…and cling, to what once filled you…thinking that if you were just, “good enough,” things would go back to how they, once were. stop!! stop now!! this is crazymaking behavior…the narcissist feeds on this…it strokes his/her ego, in all the right ways…for him/her to have, this kind of exacting control over your emotions. run!! don’t turn around!! don’t look back!! what you felt was real, to you…but anything that the narcissist, mirrored back to you…was just an illusion. wendy was right…”…people are online for a reason…,” maybe my narcissists reason, was to have an endless supply, of ego feeders…strokers…that’s my guess.

…if someone says to you,”i can’t believe that after having the luck that you’ve had…with sarah, charlotte, and rhonda…that you would even think about throwing your hat back in the ring…” what does that mean? especially, when the heart wants, what the heart wants. do you seriously fucking think…that you of all people, have/had a chance to be loved by her? seriously? she told you not to put her on a pedestal…and, you didn’t…you did your absolute best, to try to exist with her, in her world, but you were too large, too overwhelming, too overbearing. you know what you saw etched on her palm. you know how it felt, when she looked into your eyes, and said,”…i see you…” you are left with those thoughts, those feelings, those “what-its.” the thing is, that you really believed that, she did see you…that she did care, that she did want to…but, you think that maybe she just got scared. get a motherfucking clue…she doesn’t want, or love you…she has moved on…and yes, you can see that clearly now.

…what was my reason? my reason, for being online…was because i’m fat, doughy, “obeast.” my feeble attempt to showcase…my true inner self…my beautiful mind, my words and thoughts, my ideas and plans…while still fully disclosing that i am physically, very disappointing. i have found three really beautiful people this way, but, none of them wanted me, for me. they wanted the illusion of me…the flattering musings, the uplifting encouragement, the unwavering support…but, they didn’t want the physicality of me, the sentimentality in me, or, any feelings, or utterances of love coming from me. i could be very off base, but it feels to me like…i was merely a distraction. i was way too eager for interaction, for connection, for intimacy…and yes, for the possibility of love…for me. i believed, in the fairytale. i wanted my fairytale. i believed that i had it. i found my, “pam,” but i lost her. the only thing in life, that i will ever truly regret, is leaving without really seeing, if things were really over, or not. i feared the worst, and fled. i probably made things out to be more, than they ever really were…

…at this point, i’m just talking to myself, trying to come to some conclusions…trying to figure out what is true, versus what my heart tells me. i am so lost right now, but as for as lost, as i am right now…in this moment…i am that much closer to being found, in the next…somehow, i must remain hopeful…trust, have faith, and live in the love, that i have for myself…

…as for “pam,” i believe in the power of threes…palm, tarot, future-present-past photo…i believe in kismet…i believe that what is meant to be will happen…nothing more is needed from me…i will wait to see how the universe unfolds…i will work on being mindful, of the universal laws, put my good energy out there, and know that i will attract like…

…but, she…she will always be loved by me…i know that i put everything that i had to give out there…i know that i am absolutely willing to be a fool for love…and, i guess that my photos, and art project…showed that…but, i will never be ashamed of…love…i am not embarrassed, to show that i have been deeply, and profoundly moved, by another…she is greatly missed…i will wait for the universe…

 

august 13, 2016…

today, I am grateful for…

…a good night of sleep…

…”the office,” and the peace and calm that it brings to me. the sweetness, kindness, and genuineness that i feel from it…that i have felt once before, in my life…and will feel one day again…

…nuts, instant protein…

…the beach, being one day closer…

…karen’s smile and laugh, when i told her about my day with, richard. watching her face light up, when i read her my essay, “i’ve never met a donut, that i didn’t like…”

…getting to drive richard’s crv to my appointments, since my car is still in montana…

…the beautiful cloud formations…

…for each dog that i see going out for a walk…i miss mine, so terribly…

…cold water to drink…

…healthy food to eat…

i am filled with compassion for every homeless person i see, out in this blazing hot sun. i am working on staying present, grounded, and going to my calm place. i am a very deserving person.

namaste.