when i was in iowa, my intuition was speaking to me the whole time. being a numbers, statistical, and mathematical enthusiast…things just didn’t add up from time to time. and when they didn’t, i would stop and ask a question, at which point, i would be met with defensiveness and subterfuge.
at the time that it was all happening, i was extremely confused, because looking at things from the inside, everything appeared to be so perfect…in fact, maybe too perfect. my gut kept telling me that something was going on, that everyone but me was privy to. i didn’t fully understand all that i do now.
now that i am back in nevada, i see things both very clearly and very differently. i am able to reflect on the situation and those instances of when things didn’t add up.
i know now that this most definitely was not me (this time). i will never know the true intent behind inviting me to iowa, but i do feel (and the evidence supports this) that i was a very willing pawn, in a game that i had no idea was being played, between two people, other than me.
once i caught on and figured everything out, i was no longer necessary or needed, and i was slowly eradicated. i accepted my demotion to friend level, in the hope of being finally able to have a face to face, honest communication. i was fully willing and prepared to absolve the person, to be told the honest truth and have my intuition and facts validated, and move on as friends…but, that being said, the other person wanted no part of that…and, terminated our friendship.
now, here i am and i full well know that a true friend would never treat me in such a manner. a true friend loves and respects at all times. a true friend heals and nurtures, values and respects, and is loyal.
i have learned a lot over the last year and there are several truths about myself, that i have finally had to accept. mainly the fact that, i am a good person, with lots of love to offer, and i am worthy of love and respectful treatment, from my friends and people that care about me.
sitting here now, i miss the person that i believed her to be. i miss our conversations, laughing, double meanings, references, fancy $20 words, and ethereal thinking. i so want to believe that it was all real and not some kind of a smooth manipulation. but, lies kill trust and once trust is gone, faith and belief fly out the window.
one of the things that i believe, is that where there is/was love, there is also forgiveness. people that i love, both friends and family; fuck up, make bad choices, disappoint, and fall short sometimes. luckily for both of us, forgiveness is the gift that allows both parties to move past an obstacle or grievance.
forgiveness is not forgetting. forgiveness is love on steroids. it’s like an antibiotic ointment spread over an open wound. it’s transparent and covers the wound completely, allowing for it to heal without becoming infected, but you can still see the wound, until it completely heals and goes away.
that’s the thing about forgiveness, it helps open wounds to heal between people and eventually disappear from view. forgiveness is a gift for both parties, the offender and the offended. forgiveness allows two people to heal and move forward.
so, i was demoted to friend status and then terminated. i care about this person, or at least the person that i thought she was. i miss the friendship that i originally thought that we had.
the only thing that i could possibly do for either one of us, is quite apparent…and, until i do it, we can never be friends. i really don’t know how things will happen in the future, or if we will ever choose to be friends again.
the one thing that i do know, is that i will never be able to move forward and past this, until i forgive her. so, here and now, that’s the gift that i give. i choose to forgive her. it’s up to her now, whether she wants to accept my gift or not.
because, where there is/was love, there is also forgiveness…