where there is love, there is also forgiveness…

when i was in iowa, my intuition was speaking to me the whole time. being a numbers, statistical, and mathematical enthusiast…things just didn’t add up from time to time. and when they didn’t, i would stop and ask a question, at which point, i would be met with defensiveness and subterfuge. 

at the time that it was all happening, i was extremely confused, because looking at things from the inside, everything appeared to be so perfect…in fact, maybe too perfect. my gut kept telling me that something was going on, that everyone but me was privy to. i didn’t fully understand all that i do now.

now that i am back in nevada, i see things both very clearly and very differently. i am able to reflect on the situation and those instances of when things didn’t add up. 

i know now that this most definitely was not me (this time). i will never know the true intent behind inviting me to iowa, but i do feel (and the evidence supports this) that i was a very willing pawn, in a game that i had no idea was being played, between two people, other than me. 

once i caught on and figured everything out, i was no longer necessary or needed, and i was slowly eradicated. i accepted my demotion to friend level, in the hope of being finally able to have a face to face, honest communication. i was fully willing and prepared to absolve the person, to be told the honest truth and have my intuition and facts validated, and move on as friends…but, that being said, the other person wanted no part of that…and, terminated our friendship.

now, here i am and i full well know that a true friend would never treat me in such a manner. a true friend loves and respects at all times. a true friend heals and nurtures, values and respects, and is loyal. 

i have learned a lot over the last year and there are several truths about myself, that i have finally had to accept. mainly the fact that, i am a good person, with lots of love to offer, and i am worthy of love and respectful treatment, from my friends and people that care about me.

sitting here now, i miss the person that i believed her to be. i miss our conversations, laughing, double meanings, references, fancy $20 words, and ethereal thinking. i so want to believe that it was all real and not some kind of a smooth manipulation. but, lies kill trust and once trust is gone, faith and belief fly out the window. 

one of the things that i believe, is that where there is/was love, there is also forgiveness. people that i love, both friends and family; fuck up, make bad choices, disappoint, and fall short sometimes. luckily for both of us, forgiveness is the gift that allows both parties to move past an obstacle or grievance. 

forgiveness is not forgetting. forgiveness is love on steroids. it’s like an antibiotic ointment spread over an open wound. it’s transparent and covers the wound completely, allowing for it to heal without becoming infected, but you can still see the wound, until it completely heals and goes away.

that’s the thing about forgiveness, it helps open wounds to heal between people and eventually disappear from view. forgiveness is a gift for both parties, the offender and the offended. forgiveness allows two people to heal and move forward.

so, i was demoted to friend status and then terminated. i care about this person, or at least the person that i thought she was. i miss the friendship that i originally thought that we had. 

the only thing that i could possibly do for either one of us, is quite apparent…and, until i do it, we can never be friends. i really don’t know how things will happen in the future, or if we will ever choose to be friends again.

the one thing that i do know, is that i will never be able to move forward and past this, until i forgive her. so, here and now, that’s the gift that i give. i choose to forgive her. it’s up to her now, whether she wants to accept my gift or not.

because, where there is/was love, there is also forgiveness…

amongst other things…

this is a continuation of my previous post, “i feel an early graduation coming on…”

when i got back to the apartment on thursday, i wasn’t really sure how well i would be able to take what my therapist had said and sit with it over the weekend. 

at first, my inner-eeyore briefly thought about coming out to write the self-sabotage email. 

however, i was able to really think about things, review the facts, and talk to my seventy-six year-old, voice of reason, richard.

i realized that my therapist may have been trying to prepare me for something, based upon my own inner-eeyore worry/projection.

i knew not to listen to anyone regarding these matters, except for richard, because he knows and is my voice of reason. so, i talked to richard and listened to him. 

i always knew that i didn’t have to worry and question…that i could just trust and believe, as i have never had any reason, or indication not to…but it has always been so difficult for me to trust anyone…but, i wanted to and i made the choice to, and i do!!.

i got through the weekend just fine. i so miss conversation, companionship, and laughter, but i am okay for now. right now, i don’t need things to be about me. i just need to take care of me. and, i am okay with giving space and time, with the hope of getting to know each other more, as we go. 

i spent my weekend keeping busy, working on a special art project for a birthday present. i worked on myself…walking, exercising, and meditating. and, i was good to myself by allowing myself time to watch a couple of movies, listen to music and let myself be silly-attempting to dance like in iowa, and begin reading a new book.

i am choosing to do things differently, because this is very important to me. i am not going to allow my inner-eeyore to self-sabotage a possibility for lasting happiness. 

august 24, 2016…

today, i am grateful for…

…being woken up early, but nicely…

…interesting dreams last night…

…wendy and jenny convincing me to go with them to ikea. got twice the amount of walking in today…

…the wonderful breakfast scramble, that chef wendy made for me this morning. it was eggs, freshly grated parmesan, finely chopped salami, and fresh jalapenos…

…a day without loud-loud television in my roaring ear, and loud-loud deaf man yelling, over the loud-loud television, in my “good ear…”

…jalapenos with melted, sharp, cheddar cheese (and the person who showed me how delicious it is, in the first place)…

…nice text messages, from nice people…

…getting to talk to my friend, grace, yesterday. she is always so positive, supportive, and inspiring…

…clean laundry…

…losing two more inches off of my waist, going down another short’s size, and losing twenty-two more pounds…

determination fuels my spirit. challenges give me a different perspective. love fills my heart.

namaste.

“talking to myself…when nobody’s home,” (note to self)…

…when someone tells you something that sends up a flag, you should listen…because something that is uttered as a, “funny haha,” or moment of, “self-awareness,” can be the harbinger of the future…the flicker of illumination, into that person’s modus operandi, into their character…into their hearts intent…

…if someone tells you that they are a schizophrenic…that doesn’t mean that they aren’t a truly wonderful person, worth loving…it just means that you should listen, with your whole heart, decide if she can handle the highest heights, and the lowest lows. decide if your heart can take it…is the “juice” worth the squeeze? if you proceed, a word of caution…schizophrenia, is a disease…it’s certainly not a choice!! instability, of any kind, does not fair well, for the gooshy hearted. learn your lesson…don’t think that things will be different for you, because you’re different…you’re special…you’re worth it. it’s a disease. it’s nothing personal. it’s just the way it is. wendy is right, when she says that,”people are online, for a reason…,” it’s true!! no matter how much, “the heart wants, what the heart wants…,” you don’t have to listen…you don’t have to put yourself, in that position, just because you are needing…to feel loved, to feel special, to feel like you make a difference…like you matter…because you do matter. your heart is precious, tender, valuable…don’t give it up for instability, imbalance, or insecurity. you will feel the wonderous heights of all that love has to offer…but at some point…you will crash and burn. are you okay with that? will you survive that? are you worth more than that?

…if someone says to you,”…maybe i am a narcissist…,” fuck yeah!! what was your first clue? are you freaking kidding me? why are you still there…listening, believing, trusting? it began as such a beautiful thing…feeling so fucking special, so valuable, so worthwhile…and that continued for a few weeks, maybe even a month…and then, you said something innocent, maybe asked the wrong question, maybe you didn’t use the right emoji…it doesn’t matter what it is, it will happen…narcissism will show it’s ugly head. suddenly out of nowhere, there will be an attitude…all at once, everything that had been good, special, and wonderful about you…is now off putting, offensive, obtuse. out of nowhere, with no forewarning…”your person,” disappears…the first time, for a day, or two…reappearing, as if nothing had ever happened…no mention of, what or why…no acknowledgement, whatsoever, leaving you no choice, but to believe that, you might actually be, a “little nutty,” like everything is/was, all in your mind. then, “your person,” suddenly reappears…frantic, because they think that you, have moved on…stopped taking their phone calls, and answering their texts…when in all reality…your phone was down, because of the storm. you are once again, flattered…,” you feel like you still have, “a chance.” you know better than to question, the disappearance. you begin to know, what will make, “your person,” disappear…you stop being yourself…because that self that was so wonderful, awesome, and adorable…has now become…loathsome, boring, so not special. you lose yourself, your identity, your spirit…and cling, to what once filled you…thinking that if you were just, “good enough,” things would go back to how they, once were. stop!! stop now!! this is crazymaking behavior…the narcissist feeds on this…it strokes his/her ego, in all the right ways…for him/her to have, this kind of exacting control over your emotions. run!! don’t turn around!! don’t look back!! what you felt was real, to you…but anything that the narcissist, mirrored back to you…was just an illusion. wendy was right…”…people are online for a reason…,” maybe my narcissists reason, was to have an endless supply, of ego feeders…strokers…that’s my guess.

…if someone says to you,”i can’t believe that after having the luck that you’ve had…with sarah, charlotte, and rhonda…that you would even think about throwing your hat back in the ring…” what does that mean? especially, when the heart wants, what the heart wants. do you seriously fucking think…that you of all people, have/had a chance to be loved by her? seriously? she told you not to put her on a pedestal…and, you didn’t…you did your absolute best, to try to exist with her, in her world, but you were too large, too overwhelming, too overbearing. you know what you saw etched on her palm. you know how it felt, when she looked into your eyes, and said,”…i see you…” you are left with those thoughts, those feelings, those “what-its.” the thing is, that you really believed that, she did see you…that she did care, that she did want to…but, you think that maybe she just got scared. get a motherfucking clue…she doesn’t want, or love you…she has moved on…and yes, you can see that clearly now.

…what was my reason? my reason, for being online…was because i’m fat, doughy, “obeast.” my feeble attempt to showcase…my true inner self…my beautiful mind, my words and thoughts, my ideas and plans…while still fully disclosing that i am physically, very disappointing. i have found three really beautiful people this way, but, none of them wanted me, for me. they wanted the illusion of me…the flattering musings, the uplifting encouragement, the unwavering support…but, they didn’t want the physicality of me, the sentimentality in me, or, any feelings, or utterances of love coming from me. i could be very off base, but it feels to me like…i was merely a distraction. i was way too eager for interaction, for connection, for intimacy…and yes, for the possibility of love…for me. i believed, in the fairytale. i wanted my fairytale. i believed that i had it. i found my, “pam,” but i lost her. the only thing in life, that i will ever truly regret, is leaving without really seeing, if things were really over, or not. i feared the worst, and fled. i probably made things out to be more, than they ever really were…

…at this point, i’m just talking to myself, trying to come to some conclusions…trying to figure out what is true, versus what my heart tells me. i am so lost right now, but as for as lost, as i am right now…in this moment…i am that much closer to being found, in the next…somehow, i must remain hopeful…trust, have faith, and live in the love, that i have for myself…

…as for “pam,” i believe in the power of threes…palm, tarot, future-present-past photo…i believe in kismet…i believe that what is meant to be will happen…nothing more is needed from me…i will wait to see how the universe unfolds…i will work on being mindful, of the universal laws, put my good energy out there, and know that i will attract like…

…but, she…she will always be loved by me…i know that i put everything that i had to give out there…i know that i am absolutely willing to be a fool for love…and, i guess that my photos, and art project…showed that…but, i will never be ashamed of…love…i am not embarrassed, to show that i have been deeply, and profoundly moved, by another…she is greatly missed…i will wait for the universe…

 

august 16, 2016…

today, i am grateful for…

…spray cleaner…

…power towels…

…plastic grocery bags…

…steam cleaners…

…nice cold showers…

…clean clothes to wear…

…sound sleep sans sickness…

…”the office”…

…”bloodline”…

…someone fun and exciting to talk to, thank you africa, home of the romance scammers, and catfish…

…finally telling someone, thank you, s***h…even though you won’t keep my secret safe…

…feeling somewhat better, after puking most of last night…

…ice cold drinking water…

…chicken bouillon…

…stuff to do…

i am filled with peace and calm. i have unconditional love and endless patience. i will wait for what/who i want in life…i am a very deserving person.

namaste.

august 13, 2016…

today, I am grateful for…

…a good night of sleep…

…”the office,” and the peace and calm that it brings to me. the sweetness, kindness, and genuineness that i feel from it…that i have felt once before, in my life…and will feel one day again…

…nuts, instant protein…

…the beach, being one day closer…

…karen’s smile and laugh, when i told her about my day with, richard. watching her face light up, when i read her my essay, “i’ve never met a donut, that i didn’t like…”

…getting to drive richard’s crv to my appointments, since my car is still in montana…

…the beautiful cloud formations…

…for each dog that i see going out for a walk…i miss mine, so terribly…

…cold water to drink…

…healthy food to eat…

i am filled with compassion for every homeless person i see, out in this blazing hot sun. i am working on staying present, grounded, and going to my calm place. i am a very deserving person.

namaste.

i’ve never met a donut that i didn’t like…

it’s true!! i always thought that if i slipped (on my diet), it would be bread, potatoes, pasta, or rice. i was wrong!! it was a donut, a motherfucking donut!!

they were just sitting there, looking all beautiful and gorgeous, at the circle k. i’ve walked right past them hundreds of times, never even acknowledging their presence.

i was having a very bad day. i was sad, bored, anxious, missing people, basically on edge, and beside myself. i walked past the donuts giving them a longing glaze.

i grabbed the almonds and water, that i went in there for, in the first place, and got in line. i turned around one more time, before getting to the cashier.

before i knew it, i was kneeling before the case, holding all of those precious donuts. i grabbed waxed paper and a bag, and began choosing my favorites.

i was there for what seemed like an eternity, eyeing those lovelies. i grabbed an apple fritter, an old fashioned, and a glazed raised donut.

it was like i was on autopilot…not thinking, just doing. once i got in line again, my eyes fell to something else. it was called a “magic brownie.” once again, without thinking, i grabbed one.

i was ready to take off, and leave until i looked to my right, and the slurpee machine beckoned me, to her. i figured,”what the fuck.” i made myself an x-large mango slurpee, paid, and left.

i didn’t realize exactly what i had, how much there was, or the ramifications of my actions, until i got back. almost immediately, i heard,”i thought that you were on a diet.”

i was instantly filled with guilt and shame. i off loaded the apple fritter to richard, and put the rest in my room. the slurpee, i enjoyed immensely, as it was 108°. it wasn’t guilt-free, but i enjoyed it.

later, when i went to my room that night, there they were…in the white paper donut bag. i thought about what i should do. i considered throwing them away…

but, what i decided to do was eat them. acknowledging that it was not a reward for bad behavior, a celebration, or anything that could fill the voids in my life…

but, rather eat them being completely mindful and present, acknowledging that i am only human, that it was okay to make a mistake, as long as i get right back onto my plan, and continued.

instead of scarfing those donuts down, trying to hide the evidence, and not tasting, or enjoying them. i ate them in the spirit of gratitude…grateful, mindful, present.

i experienced those donuts like none other, that i’ve ever had before. i smelled them. i examined their shape, color, and texture. i tasted every bite, savoring it, and being thankful, that the next day i would be fine.

and, i was fine! i was able to forge on, with my diet and exercise program. i went and got weighed at the doctors office. i gained nothing, in fact i lost five pounds.