fear of the unknown…

my fear is very real…

binding and restraining…

drowning and smothering…

it holds me in place…

stuck, unable to move…

a prisoner to a theory…

that the unknown may be…

more or less comfortable…

than the known…

the here and now…

…i googled the phrase, “fear of the unknown” this morning. i was looking to see what images were returned in the search. i’m going to share the first two images that i saw. the two drawings made quite an impression on me. i really identified with the emotions expressed. i thought that they could have been me in one of my fearful states…uncomfortable, worried, distressed, terrified, suffering, agonizing.

 

 

 

not today…

…keep your idiotic guffaws to yourself…

…my god stifle your mynah bird chatter…

…please, r*****d…i can’t hear “and death”…one more time…

…stop moving your ginormous, dirty, black feet around in my field of vision…

…it’s none of your business how many times and with whom…

…no my therapist won’t “do you” and neither will my friend…

…no one is staring at your package…
…please keep your scary, “fox news opinions” hidden deep within…

…keep your balls scrubbed and their stench away from me…

…don’t ask, “what’s cold in the fridge,” check it yourself, exercise you old goat…

…no…i’m not watching it…you are on your own…

…keep telling yourself that you’re the nicest guy that you’d ever like to meet…

…i’m not allowing you to fuck with my mind or emotions…

…i will not continue to sit here and listen to you lie to me with impunity…

…not today…today, you are on your own disgusting, old man…deal with it…

06.20.2017…11:57…106°…36.083865, -115.035015 (the numbers of my day)…

…it’s now four minutes after noon…

i’m reminded that the desert is a dangerous place…the temperature, the weather, the environment, the native wildlife, and the transplanted wildlife.

on an average, the temperature varies widely between 38° and 105°…it is very rarely below 30° and very rarely above 111°. the “hot season” lasts for approximately 3-1/2 months. it lasts from june 2 until september 16…with the average high temperature being 95°. the hottest day of the year has historically been july 13, with an average high of 105° and average low of 80°.

on the flipside, the “cold season” lasts approximately 3-1/4 months. it lasts from november 18 until february 24…with the average daily high temperature being around 66°. the coldest day of the year has historically been december 26, with an average high of 56° and average low of 38°.

the desert is home to weather events such as excessive heat, extreme cold, windstorms, duststorms, hailstorms, flash floods, droughts, mudslides, debris flows, landslides, severe thunderstorms, killer lightning, tornadoes, funnel clouds, water spouts, and dust devils. 

the desert is home to many different and unique breeds of wildlife…this group includes mammals, reptiles, birds, and insects. they can be broken down by diet…carnivores, herbivores, omnivores, insectivores, and scavengers. they can be divided into the two groups of predator and prey. and, they can also be classified by activity…diurnal and nocturnal. the mojave is also home to two breeds of feral animals…the wild horse and the wild burro.

the mojave desert is home to many endangered and threatened species of both fauna and flora…

     mammals:

          amargosa southern pocket gopher
          desert bighorn sheep
          mountain lion
          townsend’s big-eared bat

     birds:

          bald eagle
          california brown pelican
          least bell’s vireo
          mexican spotted owl
          yuma clapper rail

     reptiles:

          coachella valley fringe-toed lizard
          desert tortoise

     amphibians:

          lowland leopard frog

     fish:

          bonytail chub
          colorado squawfish
          devil’s hole pupfish
          mojave tui chub
          humpback chub
          razorback sucker

     insects and snails:

          badwater snail
          devil’s hole warm springs riffle beetle

     plants:

          bear-paw poppy
          foxtail cactus
          eureka valley evening primrose
          panamint daisy
          sticky buckwheat

the mojave desert was originally home to native american tribes: mohave, kawaiisu, kitanemuk, serrano, koso, southern paiute, chemehuevi. a spaniard, catholic missionary, francisco garces was the first to meet the mohaves. the us army annexed the mohave and created a reservation, where less than 2,000 mohave tribe members actually live today.

the new residents of the mojave, have shaped and changed it forever. the desert is now theirs. they have changed it to suit them. they are : prospectors and miners, military and government testers, paranormal investigators and otherworldly explorers, the “mob element” and criminal investors, gamblers and fortune hunters, freelancers and independent contractors, sex workers and marijuana workers, guards and drivers, dealers and players, retirees and snowbirds, bartenders and drinkers, chefs and entertainers, the addicted and the homeless.

***on maps and documents mojave is spelled with a “j.” pertaining to the tribe of native americans, mohave is spelled with an “h.” when in arizona or speaking of the arizona part of the desert, mohave is spelled with an “h.”***


the countess of the cortez…

…was a character vividly captured and played by lady gaga, for the american horror story: hotel saga. 

i was neither an admirer, nor fan of lady gaga before watching this particular season, but that quickly changed.

lady gaga played a vampire countess. her dialogue, wardrobe, and mannerisms had me completely mesmerized.

she captivated me, held my attention, and fueled my imagination. she was vampirically beautiful, stunning actually.

i was rather surprised – no, i was shocked as shit that lady gaga was such a masterful and intoxicating actress. i had no idea.

anyway, lady gaga…the countess of the cortez had many great lines of witty and colorful dialogue. here are some quotes…

“oh, honey. goddesses don’t speak in whispers. they scream.”

“why would i help you when it gives me so much joy to see you suffer?”

“you don’t lack beauty, you lack commitment.”

“you’d be amazed, the wondrous possibilities that could begin with a simple hello.”

“let me help you become who you were born to be: a goddess.”

“this isn’t a crisis… it’s an invitation for an adventure.”

“a woman can only be pushed so far, and i’m right on the edge.”

“we have two selves. one the world needs us to be — compliant — and the shadow. ignore it and life is forever suffering.”

“you may beat me, but you’re not getting out of here without a severe, life-long limp.”

“is there anything more beautiful than a sleeping child?”

“an emotion is like a flavor in my mouth. i can taste it. joy tastes like strawberries. hate is like ice chips in a martini. and love is rosewater. i enjoy them all except for one. betrayal. that has the taste of the char on a piece of burnt meat.”

“he’s full of rage. I can still smell it. like copper.”

“you’re the only woman i’ve ever met whose blood smells like walnuts.”

“we’re destined for something more… intimate.”

“you will learn, it isn’t our precious virus that makes you. it isn’t who you kill or who you screw. it’s the heartbreaks.”


out of sight…

…sometimes i look through my eyes  and my vision seems like/feels like…

…instead of vision being like a theoretical thing…

…it’s more like a physical substance… 

…the best way that i can think of to describe it…

…is if you have a sieve and you put cheesecloth in it…

…and then, you pour molasses or honey into it….

…the result might be more liquid coming through some areas and less in others…

…the atoms of molasses or honey are fighting to get out…

…so, you can feel yourself exerting maximum effort to see…

…straining really… 

…i’ve been complaining to doctors about this for two years… 

…all doctors say that i’m fine…

…and, this includes an ophthalmologist…

…nothing is wrong…

…there have been times when i’m looking at something… 

…and, it disappears altogether…

…except for the outside fringes… 

…or, i’ve closed my eyes and then opened them…

…and, saw absolutely nothing… 

…i know that this is weird…

…i’m wondering if it could be related to being overly tired… 

…and, having insomnia or being dehydrated…