all that remains…

(***i wrote this several years ago. i rediscovered it last night and wanted to start adding some of my past work.***)

sometimes i wonder…

what i was thinking…

you are clearly out of reach…

and, i am obviously out of touch…

with the reality of this situation…

the fact that i allowed you…

to get to me…

to get inside of me…

penetrating, my most vital of organs…

bypassing all of my armor…

because, i wanted you…

i beckoned you…

“comest thou hither”…

defenses worn thin…

like eggshell or onion skin…

cracked wide open…

contents frying…

up in a pan…

yellow, bubbly goo…

those bits and bites…

salty and peppery…

seasoned, just for you…

lie upon a plate…

at your seat…

at my special, celebratory table…

seemingly, untouched…

left far behind, wasted…

cold, hard, and grey now…

yucky, nasty scraps…

fit only to be had…

by a hungry dog…

empty shells…

dirty pan…

that is all that remains…

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back with buggs…

…”reunited and it feels so good!!” my god i missed my co-pilot!! i would find myself in room 3479, reaching out to pet somebody that wasn’t there. i found myself wanting to talk to him and watch his ears and facial expressions. i found myself saving a small piece of turkey sausage for him.

and then, it hit me hard. i was very lonely, sure…but, i was completely alone. i was sad, absolutely…because i was alone…completely alone…singular. no one at all familiar, no one. i received encouragement from friends on facebook, which made me feel much better. i received messages from the girls, that helped too.

r*****d called me once. my sister and p**l texted me. neither my dad nor my therapist answered my text messages to them. buggs was not there, neither was p**l, he is a roofer and was roofing. it’s really hard to give an emergency contact, when you just don’t have one. to clarify, i’m not having a pity party. i’m stating the facts.

when they had me fill out the consent forms for admission and procedures…i made sure that they knew that i was “dnr.” i never again want my life “saved” by a ventilator. it changed me profoundly. i am not the same person that i once was. save the cpr for someone else. just let me go…

i thought long and hard about buggs and where i would want him to go…to be loved, cherished, and cared for. i made a short list of people that i knew would love him and care for him in my absence: p**l, w***y, s***h, j**s, g***e, and l***a. i knew that he would be loved, pampered, and spoiled by them.

there was one person who was generally, always “there” for me, both night and day. and although we have never met, she is/was always there for me and vice versa. she is an er nurse. she is smart and calm and very soothing. j**s has been both a comfort and a blessing to me.

yes, i know…i have a long history with “catfishes.” don’t worry! i have verified that j**s is indeed, a “real” person. i am however, still on “self-imposed,” relationship restriction. (just so that everyone knows, i “broke up” with that therapist. she turned out to be more destructive to me, than beneficial.). i am choosing to be single and waiting.

to me, it doesn’t really matter if i ever meet j**s or not. yes, i do want to meet her, but it is not absolutely necessary. we have a great friendship that works for both of us. we listen, share, laugh, cry, and just enjoy each other’s company. she gave me great advice in the hospital and helped me to make good decisions and choices for myself.

albeit, i did not tell her that i listed myself, as “dnr.” i guess that even though she’s an er nurse and comes across this shit everyday, she’s a fighter. she believes in fighting to hold onto life, until the bitter end. i suppose that i was ashamed or embarrassed about my choice and sharing it with her. i figured if something happened, she would be notified.

maybe, i sound cold hearted or calloused, with my own life…judge me if you will. but, until you sit with someone in agonizing pain, who wished that they had never chosen to sustain life, prolonging the inevitable with a feeding tube, because that’s what made the family most comfortable, with the death process…you will never know or understand where i am coming from.

already having my life sustained once and being forever changed by the experience…i never ever want that for myself again. death does not scare me. i am unafraid to die. however, i am afraid to live with certain conditions, which i have discussed before. no, i am not talking about taking my own life here. i am talking about surrendering to the natural process of death and dying.

one hundred years ago, people just died of natural causes. their bodies just gave up for one reason or another. they were not kept alive by others, who could never even begin to imagine what goes on in one’s mind as a body that has gone into full surrender mode (soul preparing to leave body) and then, is mechanically or physically reversed to become alive and thrive…speaking as one who knows…if there is such a thing as hell, my mind was engulfed in hellfire and brimstone.

anyway, i ended up being torn between two exes, both of whom i thought were the best fits to give, buggs, kindness, love and care. w***y, because she already knows him, loves him, and is bonded to him. and, s***h, because she is very in tune with pet behaviors…she can spot changes in diet and health…and, she provides exemplary medical care and nutrition for optimal health and wellness.

so obviously, nothing bad happened or went wrong. i am among the living. although released from the hospital, i am in an extraordinary amount of pain. having never suffered from back pain a day in my life, i suddenly cannot make a move involving any kind of movement generated from my lowerback. these movements include: getting up and down from seated or laying position, shifting, sitting up straight, standing, walking, sitting, and standing.

i am in a great deal of physical pain, but yet, i am with, buggs. buggs is my comfort. he is my co-pilot, my companion, my family. i can be happy and grateful, wherever he is. because even though i have no “real home” to speak of, i have my dreams and my goals and my buggs. i have found that home is wherever, buggs, is. and for right this very moment, buggs, is in montana.

photos from the never-ending story adventure…

…still to tired and out of it to write anything that makes any sense, but would like to show you some photos from our never-ending story adventure. we left off in fremont and were headed to walnut creek.

A post shared by K W (@sprockets111) on

A post shared by K W (@sprockets111) on

 

guess what…

…still fucking here in room 3479 of the cardiac unit. i’ve been here since friday, the fifteenth and i am livid. everyday i feel that i’m jerked around one way and then another.

i explained my symptomsl when i arrived, that i couldn’t feel my legs or feet…i was dizzy and nauseous and exhausted. somehow that statement was reduced to, “chest pains” thus the cardiac unit.

yesterday i was examined by an awesome neurologist, who had some really interesting ideas. she convinced me to stay last night, so that i could have lumbar puncture today.

well, i woke up this morning and the nurse told me that i couldn’t have my lumbar puncture until tomorrow, as the xarelto that they started me back on, had not left my system yet.

and, blood getting into the spinal cord when being punctured could cause paralysis. so tomorrow after 0830, i will have both procedures. the stress test and the lumbar puncture.

if either thing turns out bad, i get to prolong my stay, but i am sure that everything will be just fine. no worries…just cabin fever and missing my buggs!!

 

room 3479…

…so, here i sit in my ultraplush suite in the cardiac unit of the billings clinic hospital. i originally came in complaining that i could no longer feel my legs or feet.

…soon, all of the sudden it’s we’re admitting you for chest pain. i texted j**s she said that that was a “cya” diagnosis. i told her thathe only way i could get my meds was to be admitted.

…so, exhausted and just wanting to feel better, i was admitted to room 3479. i had a ct of my lungs to look for pe’s. none found. i had a four hour mri scan, from brain to lower back, which revealed bulging discs in neck and lower back.

…every blood test on earth is being run. and today, i was five minutes from being discharged when a neurologist visiting from boston, came over to me and ran a full battery of tests. she said that it was either the bulging discs and nerves causing my feet and legs numbness or it is guillain-barre syndrome.

…at any rate, this is my third night here. tomorrow i endure a lumbar puncture and a heart stress test. please keep a good thought for me.

and, there you have it…

…i knew that i was run down and exhausted…other people didn’t see it, or maybe they just didn’t care…sending me off on my merry way…they couldn’t wait. my brunchmate put it so eloquently…”love and light, love and light, love snd light.” it made good sense to me. i am in the process of practicing even now, here in the hospital. there are several “love and light” awards thst i would like to give out. you’ll know on when you get one.

and, there you have it…

september 14, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…sleep, when and how it comes. any rest for this exhausted, run down body is a good thing. i’ll take it however i can get it…

…the plumber coming out to fix p**l’s sink. it was beginning to get stinky. he has been without a functioning kitchen sink for about two weeks now and has been eating off of paper plates, using plastic utensils, and drinking out of the paper cups that i took from my hotel stays…

…having enough energy to: do the dishes that had been putrefying in the sink full of swamp water, take the trash out, and straighten up after p**l’s little girls were here…

…being physically able to take buggs out and go for a walk…

…a nice and welcome change in the weather. cooler temperatures 50° – 60° and some grey clouds and precipitation…

…for getting to talk to a wonderful advice/triage nurse. she advised me on exactly how to proceed…

…p**l’s friendly face and human companionship that i can talk to and relate with. i appreciate his hospitality and willingness to share. plus, he understands what it’s like to be: a black sheep, left behind, disowned, the butt of jokes, incredibly sensitive to others, and full of emotion…

…buggs, my sweet boy and co-pilot…

i am capable of whatever, i set my mind to doing. i am a very good listener. i am worthy of love.

namaste.