it had been a very long time, since i’d been in this position…the position of just meeting someone for the first time. someone, whom i talked to for hours and started getting to know in depth, over the phone. someone, whom i recently met in person and spent time with over christmas. someone, whom i’m attempting to date and get to know better slowly, from a distance.
so, here i’m in the position of choosing to try to date again and be with someone that i’m still getting to know. usually, i walk around on pins and needles, worrying about breaking the ice, for one thing or another…especially, in someone else’s house. i’m usually uptight and uncomfortable, wound very tightly, and unable to relax. however, in this particular position, with this particular person, i felt completely comfortable and she indicated the same.
now when i say, “breaking the ice,” i’m referring to something happening for the first time. when dating, keeping track of ice breaking…who did what first, whose body betrayed them first, who made the biggest faux pas, etc…is endlessly entertaining and can always be used as a reason for healthy teasing later.
the person that i’m trying to get to know better, had a king-sized, extra tall, sleigh bed…and, i’m a person, with short little legs, an extremely long torso, and unnaturally long arms. each night that i was there, my person had absolutely no problem crawling into bed, scooting over, and scurrying under the covers. she was a pro!!
however, when it came to my turn each night, it was an all out fight to get me into bed and keep me there. it was quite literally, a two person job. first of all, i must also interject, that the scene would not be complete, without me mentioning that it wasn’t just the two of us in the bed. it was the two of us, her dog (a 120 pound great dane/standard poodle mix), and my dog (a 12 pound chihuahua/miniature pinscher mix).
after brushing my teeth each night, i’d sidle up to the side of the bed, bargain with the dogs to scoot over, and then, attempt to propel myself up and onto the bed, around the dogs…and, try to hang on with my arms, as i’d begin to slide off. my person would always reach over and grab a flailing arm, and pull me up, or hold me there, until i could reposition. the whole thing ended up being quite a production.
one night, we had been bantering back and forth. we were being playful and both laughing, but our conversation turned into something more serious. i gave my person a kiss before taking on the responsibility of trying to put myself into bed. it was nice and i decided that i was going to be really cool and try a different “smooth” way to jump up and roll toward her. so, there i was, feeling really confident and competent. i had a big smile on my face. i thought to myself, “oh, i’ve got this!!”
i was ready. i couldn’t get myself up there quickly enough. as i set myself up to make my extra, super-fancy, ultra-sexy-suave move…i was in all my glory, very self-assured, and very certain of the outcome. i propelled, scooted, and turned toward her..all in one agile move. i absolutely nailed it. as i was floating in mid-air, before making my descent…i heard my mind say with a chuckle, “…perfection…”
i saw my person as i prepared to land, she smiled at me, and we maintained eye contact as i hit the bed with the expected thud…and, something extra. i was absolutely mortified when i heard what sounded like a big, loud raspberry or a whoopee cushion. and, there was no trying to blame it on one of the dogs. we all heard it and knew where it came from. i was so embarrassed, but neither of us could stop laughing.
and then came the chanting, “kw broke the fart ice. kw broke the fart ice. kw broke the fart ice.” and the fact that she did that, immediately released me from feeling anything other than amused. she really helped me off of the hot seat. we had a great laugh and then she looked at me, and said, “you should write about breaking the “fart ice.”