no…maybe so…

…i wrote recently about a day when i was looking at photos of myself to show j**s, of my progression over the last two and a half years…

…i talked about the photo that i saw of myself…how happy i was…what i was doing…and who i was doing it for…it was a difficult time for me…

…however, i pulled myself together…i used the tools that i was given and i threw myself into creating and writing…and trying new things…

…in that photo, i was creating for the person who filled me with magic and inspired me to be creative and to be the best me that i could be…

…i remember seeing my coffee filter creations taped to the door of the stand-up freezer, of the shop, as i gathered and packed my things…

…they were a bittersweet reminder of magic, joy, and loss. something and someone so very special to me. i couldn’t leave them behind…

…i took them down in a hurry and shoved them into my back pack. they made the trip to the desert with me. i recently took notice of them again…

…i found them when i cleaned out my back pack…coloful, crumpled, cast-offs. sad little reminders of the most precious heart, i’ve ever known…

…other than my own. as i headed to meet my friend for brunch, i remembered them. snatched them up and shoved them into my pocket…

…i had intended to give them to her. i don’t know why, but thought they should be with her. i felt them in my pocket, as we hugged goodbye…

…i thought better of it, because i’ve come to the realization that the only person that the multitudinous details, meaningful random occurrences, and…

…mystical moments matter to is just me. songs being played, the birds on watch, and the gorgeous location…to me all incredibly full of magic and meaning…

…i was there. i was present. i wasn’t distracted, antsy, or jittery. i took in the sights, sounds, and smells…because i always want to remember…

…i had no expectation. i just felt incredibly blessed and grateful to once again be in the company of someone that had at the time…saw “future me”…

…perhaps that “future me” is yet to be seen and transformed to. i am a work in progress and their is always room for growth, change, and improvement…

…i am certainly not there yet and never claimed to be, but i am on a journey of self-discovery, examination, and experimentation…

…i will get there. i am confident. i have faith in myself and my abilities. i am more than capable. i am witty and charming and more than worthy…

…she is still my beautiful friend and always will be. the one who inspired and ignited the fire within me…encouraged and supported me…

…i will always be here and available to her. she knows that. she knows lots of things. but i sense a sadness, a deep hurt, and profound disappointment…

…several weeks ago, j**s gave me a magic wand to use to make things different, to enhance and improve. i am going to use it to give my extra magic…

…to my friend…to help her to heal faster, to restore her, and to bring her abundance. she deserves all of those things, but especially to just be happy…

…i am thinking, reflecting, and deciding what to do next, where to go, who to see, but the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t matter to anyone but me…because i am a tourist…

…i am in bremerton and here i will stay, until i feel less road weary, more in charge, and until i feel that buggs and i can safely proceed…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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she’s the only lady for me…

…her name is absolutely alluring. she gives me what i want…whenever i ask for it…wherever we are. i’m not at all embarrassed or ashamed if anyone sees us, listens in, or watches how quickly she can fulfill my every desire and demand. she gives me both what i want and ask for…and, she surprises me with frequent gifts that she knows that i’ll love. she’s the only lady for me…

her name brings with it magical powers and the ability to conjure the unimaginable. she talks to me when i want her to and when i don’t she produces results silently. she’s the perfect lady…polite, well-spoken, mannerly, confident, and intelligent.

i call her name and she answers me instantaneously. she treats me with kindness and respect. she drops everything for me. she always puts my needs first. she never complains or gets cross. she is secure and stable. she spoils me and pampers me and i like it. i like it a lot.

…her name? her name is g****e.

as the big five – ooooh looms…

…in the headlights less than eight hours away, i am struck by the fear and panic of all of the things that were on my list to be completed by now…but alas, are not!!

i don’t know if that makes me an abject failure or just gives me some reasons to hang on for a few years longer. the list is very long and some of the items require having a partner 😕.

i mean, i guess that i could take ballroom dancing lessons with r*****d, and his two titanium hips and knees, or for that matter maybe even someone from a senior center.

but, fuck no!! i cannot and will not marry, r*****d!! i guess that i could marry myself, buggs, a senior from the center, or a fruit salad…as people have been permitted to do stranger things.

anyway, for whatever is left after this milestone, i will make it the very best that i can, all by myself…as none of the “new hires” prove worthy and the one’s that are worthy are “already on the job.”

so, woo-fucking-hoo…

ps…by the way i believe that i will qualify for all of the senior discounts in town tomorrow and aarp…i’m going to go dye my hair blue or pink now 😂😝. getting old is like a bucket of bm, from turd city…hard and stinky. it’s plain old 🐂💩…

“rolling in the deep”…

tongue-tied and twisted up…

as the plot keeps changing…

in a movie that is not my own…

as the writers constantly change…

update, and change my dialogue again…

they hand me my new script…

completely different from the old one…

the one that i knew by heart…

and had committed to memory…

i’m given a small amount of time…

to familiarize myself with the lines…

memorize my stage direction and marks…

and, at the end there are three highlighted lines…

“study and practice the new attributes of your character.”…

“natasha is now an exotic dancer…she dances nude, wearing only heels…speaks only russian.”…

“your call is at 0600…using dawn’s light to highlight natasha’s dance on top of a towncar, while singing “rolling in the deep,” in russian to a wealthy businessman, in mid-town manhattan.”…

“bob vance, vance refrigeration”…

…for those of you who don’t know, this is a phrase that is repeatedly spoken throughout the nine seasons of the office.

who is/was bob vance, vance refrigeration? he owned a refrigeration company in the same office complex, as the office.

he dated and later married phyllis, in a very memorable episode where michael got kicked out of phyllis and bob vance, vance refrigeration’s wedding.

every once in awhile, i come across these little gems. blurbs about my “friends” from “the office.” this one made the phrase understandable.

“bob vance, vance refrigeration”

 

right now…i’m not very good at…

…being concise…

…grammar, punctuation, or proper sentence structure…

…being the “real” me…

…accepting a compliment or praise…

…realizing simple truths…

…connecting dots or drawing hands on a clock face…

…expressing myself, without overexpressing myself…

…knowing my strengths from my weaknesses…

…keeping things simple…

…holding a pen or writing my name…

…handling the desert heat…

…seeing out of my left eye…

…being a companion to my “common law husband”…

…knowing what is and isn’t funny…

…knowing when enough is enough…

…keeping my “art studio” clean…

…remembering to feed myself…

…holding onto a fork…

…keeping my c-pap on at night…

…sleeping more than two hours at a time…

…swatting flies…

…but eventually, i will be.