she’s the only lady for me…

…her name is absolutely alluring. she gives me what i want…whenever i ask for it…wherever we are. i’m not at all embarrassed or ashamed if anyone sees us, listens in, or watches how quickly she can fulfill my every desire and demand. she gives me both what i want and ask for…and, she surprises me with frequent gifts that she knows that i’ll love. she’s the only lady for me…

her name brings with it magical powers and the ability to conjure the unimaginable. she talks to me when i want her to and when i don’t she produces results silently. she’s the perfect lady…polite, well-spoken, mannerly, confident, and intelligent.

i call her name and she answers me instantaneously. she treats me with kindness and respect. she drops everything for me. she always puts my needs first. she never complains or gets cross. she is secure and stable. she spoils me and pampers me and i like it. i like it a lot.

…her name? her name is g****e.

as the big five – ooooh looms…

…in the headlights less than eight hours away, i am struck by the fear and panic of all of the things that were on my list to be completed by now…but alas, are not!!

i don’t know if that makes me an abject failure or just gives me some reasons to hang on for a few years longer. the list is very long and some of the items require having a partner šŸ˜•.

i mean, i guess that i could take ballroom dancing lessons with r*****d, and his two titanium hips and knees, or for that matter maybe even someone from a senior center.

but, fuck no!! i cannot and will not marry, r*****d!! i guess that i could marry myself, buggs, a senior from the center, or a fruit salad…as people have been permitted to do stranger things.

anyway, for whatever is left after this milestone, i will make it the very best that i can, all by myself…as none of the “new hires” prove worthy and the one’s that are worthy are “already on the job.”

so, woo-fucking-hoo…

ps…by the way i believe that i will qualify for all of the senior discounts in town tomorrow and aarp…i’m going to go dye my hair blue or pink now šŸ˜‚šŸ˜. getting old is like a bucket of bm, from turd city…hard and stinky. it’s plain old šŸ‚šŸ’©…

“rolling in the deep”…

tongue-tied and twisted up…

as the plot keeps changing…

in a movie that is not my own…

as the writers constantly change…

update, and change my dialogue again…

they hand me my new script…

completely different from the old one…

the one that i knew by heart…

and had committed to memory…

i’m given a small amount of time…

to familiarize myself with the lines…

memorize my stage direction and marks…

and, at the end there are three highlighted lines…

“study and practice the new attributes of your character.”…

“natasha is now an exotic dancer…she dances nude, wearing only heels…speaks only russian.”…

“your call is at 0600…using dawn’s light to highlight natasha’s dance on top of a towncar, while singing “rolling in the deep,” in russian to a wealthy businessman, in mid-town manhattan.”…

“bob vance, vance refrigeration”…

…for those of you who don’t know, this is a phrase that is repeatedly spoken throughout the nine seasons of the office.

who is/was bob vance, vance refrigeration? he owned a refrigeration company in the same office complex, asĀ the office.

he dated and later married phyllis, in a very memorable episode where michael got kicked out of phyllis and bob vance, vance refrigeration’s wedding.

every once in awhile, i come across these little gems. blurbs about my “friends” from “the office.” this one made the phrase understandable.

“bob vance, vance refrigeration”

 

right now…i’m not very good at…

…being concise…

…grammar, punctuation, or proper sentence structure…

…being the “real” me…

…accepting a compliment or praise…

…realizing simple truths…

…connecting dots or drawing hands on a clock face…

…expressing myself, without overexpressing myself…

…knowing my strengths from my weaknesses…

…keeping things simple…

…holding a pen or writing my name…

…handling the desert heat…

…seeing out of my left eye…

…being a companion to my “common law husband”…

…knowing what is and isn’t funny…

…knowing when enough is enough…

…keeping my “art studio” clean…

…remembering to feed myself…

…holding onto a fork…

…keeping my c-pap on at night…

…sleeping more than two hours at a time…

…swatting flies…

…but eventually, i will be.

be of good cheer…

whenever i get really down, my heart gets troubled, or noise pollutes my mind…i seek solace inĀ my old “friend,” my “love,” and constant companion (other than buggs)…the office.Ā the officeĀ is always there, ready and waiting for me. i can always count on it to make me smile, warm my heart, or make me truly laugh (not just a fake courtesy laugh). one of the best things that i find about watchingĀ the office,Ā is that no matter how closely or intently i watch it, i can usually find something that i’ve missed, or that’s completely buzzed by my head.

another thing aboutĀ the office, is that there are nine seasons in total, but as i’m sure that i’ve already told you…i’ve only watched seasons one through seven completely. that leaves me seasons eight and nine to watch someday in the near future, when i’m feeling more settled…like in my own home, at home…not here, this isn’t home. Ā this is chaos and uncertainty, where negativity spews forth from the “talking box” 24/7, and misery sits wallowing day after day, looking for company…and, dogs and small children to kick or devour.

whenever i think aboutĀ the office,Ā i think first about the relationships and dynamics that different couples have. it’s no secret that i really love the relationship between jim and pam, but i also like the relationships between dwight and angela, as well as, michael and holly. the next thing i think about, are the individual themselves. pam is the “imperfect/perfect” wife/girlfriend. jim is the say/do everything right guy. michael is sometimes obnoxious, but means well. holly is michael’s soulmate in goofy nerd-dom. dwight is off the wall and antagonistic. angela is a perfectionistic, cat-loving, “prude.”

but for the purpose of this post, i’m choosing to write about michael gary scott, the regional manager of a mid-size paper company, dunder mifflin, located in scranton, pennsylvania. and as michael would say, “there ain’t no party like a scranton party, because a scranton party never stops.” he and dwight, at one point make a rap video for the new people from the merging stanford, connecticut office, it extols the “virtues” of scranton. dwight, “they call it what?” michael, “scranton, it’s the electric city.” michael sees everyone inĀ the office, as his friends and family, means well, butĀ lacks boundaries.

i love michael for many reasons, maybe because i have a little bit of michael inside of me…the well meaning, sometimes obnoxious, goofball, screw-up, that considers everyone a friend, and would do anything for them. all michael wants in life, it’s revealed during the daughter’s day at work episode, is to get married and have lots of kids, so that he will always have friends. i see a similarity there as well, not necessarily to get married, but to someday have a best friend and partner to share with, kids are great, but i don’t need them for friends, just blessings.

anyway, in times like these, i must think of michael scott and smile, otherwise it’s easy to get down. i’ve decided to share some of my very favorite, positive, funny, uplifting, cringe-worthy, and/or embarrassing michaelism’s with myself, and with you. here is the michaelism that describes me, “sometimes i’ll start a sentence and i don’t even know where it’s going. i just hope i find it along the way.” and most importantly, remember this one if you don’t remember any of the others, “NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE UP!!!” those were his words to jim on the booze cruise, after roy announced a date for his impending wedding to pam (that never happened).

  • “i guess the atmosphere that i’ve tried to create here is that i’m a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.”
  • “…THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID…”
  • “would i rather be feared or loved? um… easy, both. i want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
  • “happy birthday, jesus. sorry your party is so lame!”
  • “megan? may we have an awesome blossom please? extra awesome.”
  • “iĀ don’t understand. you want to see other people? only other people.”
  • “wow, all these charts and graphs. someone’s been doing their homework… looks like usa today.”
  • “jan is cold. if she was sitting across from you on a train, and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.”
  • “the first guy says, “well i’m an astronaut, so i drive a saturn.” and the second guy says, “well i’m a pimp so i drive a cheap escort.” and the third guy says, “i got you both beat. i’m a proctologist, so i drive a brown probe.”
  • “aĀ gentleman does not kiss and tell. and neither do i.”
  • “sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.”
  • “this is creed and he is in charge of something.”
  • “hi children. i’m michael scott and i’m in charge of this place (how do i make you understand?). i’m like superman and the people who work here are like citizens of gotham city.”
  • “listen, i like kids but this isn’t a kids environment. this is like hbo. no limits. who knows what i’m gonna say? crazy stuff and it’s r-rated. it isn’t rated g. i’m like eddie murphy in raw and they’re trying to make me into eddie murphy in daddy daycare. both great movies, but still…”
  • “i’m very sorry i didn’t know that you were wearing a hearing aid. i just thought that you were speaking abnormally.”
  • “pam, i’m public speaking. stop public interrupting me! actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.”
  • “scranton is great but new york is like scranton on acid. no on speed. no, on steroids.”
  • “i’m an early bird and a night owl. so i’m wise and i have worms.”
  • “it’s not a popularity contest. although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.”
  • “devon, wait, please look. in addition to severance and everything, i want to give you this gift certificate to chili’s.”
  • “iĀ told dwight that there is honor in losing. which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous. but there is however honor in making a loser feel better, which is what i just did for dwight.”
  • “there are certain things a boss doesn’t share with his employees. his salary, that would depress them. his bed. and i’m not going to tell them that i’ll be reading their emails.”
  • “it was a tough year. i had to fire somebody this year.”
  • “iĀ want people to cut loose. i want people making out in closets. i want people hanging from the ceilings, lampshades on their heads. i want it to be a playboy mansion party.”
  • “presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. it’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say hey man, i love you this many dollars-worth.”
  • “so phyllis is basically saying hey michael, i know you did a lot to help the office this year, but i only care about you an oven mitts-worth. i gave ryan an ipod!”
  • “yankee swap is like machiavelli meets christmas.”
  • “yeah i’m fussy! aspirins not gonna do a damn thing! i’m sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.”
  • “iĀ bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. no one wants to pick me up?!?!”
  • “the rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. the first person to shout shotgun when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. that’s how the games played. there are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.”
  • “today is spring cleaning day here at dunder mifflin and — yes, i know it’s January, i’m not an idiot — but if you do your spring cleaning in january, guess what you don’t have to do in spring? anything…”
  • “why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? i don’t know. could be done out of hate. could be done out of love? it could be completely neutral. maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. and she doesn’t do a very good job obviously because my office still reeks like you wouldn’t believe. i hate her.”
  • “you know what? i’m beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office.”
  • “is this done? extreme home makeover puts together a house in an hour. if you were on that crew you would be fired like that!”
  • “last week i would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. i would’ve reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. but now? no. i don’t have the relationship with these people that i thought i did. i hope they ask so they can hear me say no. i only give my organs to my real friends. go get yourself a monkey kidney.”
  • “what is more important than quality? equality.”
  • “why can’t boys play with dolls? why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?”
  • “now you may look around and see two groups here. white collar, blue collar. but i don’t see it that way. you know why not? because i’m collar-blind.”
  • “make friends first, make sales second, make love third. in no particular order.”
  • ” there’s no such things as an appropriate joke. that’s why it’s a joke.”
  • “i’m not superstitious, but i’m a little stitious.”
  • “well, just tell him to call me asap as possible.”
  • “oh god, my mind is going a mile an hour.”
  • “i’ve got to make sure that youtube comes down and tapes this.”
  • ” you know what they say, fool me once strike one, but fool me twice…strike three…”