right now…i’m not very good at…

…being concise…

…grammar, punctuation, or proper sentence structure…

…being the “real” me…

…accepting a compliment or praise…

…realizing simple truths…

…connecting dots or drawing hands on a clock face…

…expressing myself, without overexpressing myself…

…knowing my strengths from my weaknesses…

…keeping things simple…

…holding a pen or writing my name…

…handling the desert heat…

…seeing out of my left eye…

…being a companion to my “common law husband”…

…knowing what is and isn’t funny…

…knowing when enough is enough…

…keeping my “art studio” clean…

…remembering to feed myself…

…holding onto a fork…

…keeping my c-pap on at night…

…sleeping more than two hours at a time…

…swatting flies…

…but eventually, i will be.

be of good cheer…

whenever i get really down, my heart gets troubled, or noise pollutes my mind…i seek solace in my old “friend,” my “love,” and constant companion (other than buggs)…the office. the office is always there, ready and waiting for me. i can always count on it to make me smile, warm my heart, or make me truly laugh (not just a fake courtesy laugh). one of the best things that i find about watching the office, is that no matter how closely or intently i watch it, i can usually find something that i’ve missed, or that’s completely buzzed by my head.

another thing about the office, is that there are nine seasons in total, but as i’m sure that i’ve already told you…i’ve only watched seasons one through seven completely. that leaves me seasons eight and nine to watch someday in the near future, when i’m feeling more settled…like in my own home, at home…not here, this isn’t home.  this is chaos and uncertainty, where negativity spews forth from the “talking box” 24/7, and misery sits wallowing day after day, looking for company…and, dogs and small children to kick or devour.

whenever i think about the office, i think first about the relationships and dynamics that different couples have. it’s no secret that i really love the relationship between jim and pam, but i also like the relationships between dwight and angela, as well as, michael and holly. the next thing i think about, are the individual themselves. pam is the “imperfect/perfect” wife/girlfriend. jim is the say/do everything right guy. michael is sometimes obnoxious, but means well. holly is michael’s soulmate in goofy nerd-dom. dwight is off the wall and antagonistic. angela is a perfectionistic, cat-loving, “prude.”

but for the purpose of this post, i’m choosing to write about michael gary scott, the regional manager of a mid-size paper company, dunder mifflin, located in scranton, pennsylvania. and as michael would say, “there ain’t no party like a scranton party, because a scranton party never stops.” he and dwight, at one point make a rap video for the new people from the merging stanford, connecticut office, it extols the “virtues” of scranton. dwight, “they call it what?” michael, “scranton, it’s the electric city.” michael sees everyone in the office, as his friends and family, means well, but lacks boundaries.

i love michael for many reasons, maybe because i have a little bit of michael inside of me…the well meaning, sometimes obnoxious, goofball, screw-up, that considers everyone a friend, and would do anything for them. all michael wants in life, it’s revealed during the daughter’s day at work episode, is to get married and have lots of kids, so that he will always have friends. i see a similarity there as well, not necessarily to get married, but to someday have a best friend and partner to share with, kids are great, but i don’t need them for friends, just blessings.

anyway, in times like these, i must think of michael scott and smile, otherwise it’s easy to get down. i’ve decided to share some of my very favorite, positive, funny, uplifting, cringe-worthy, and/or embarrassing michaelism’s with myself, and with you. here is the michaelism that describes me, “sometimes i’ll start a sentence and i don’t even know where it’s going. i just hope i find it along the way.” and most importantly, remember this one if you don’t remember any of the others, “NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE UP!!!” those were his words to jim on the booze cruise, after roy announced a date for his impending wedding to pam (that never happened).

  • “i guess the atmosphere that i’ve tried to create here is that i’m a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.”
  • “would i rather be feared or loved? um… easy, both. i want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
  • “happy birthday, jesus. sorry your party is so lame!”
  • “megan? may we have an awesome blossom please? extra awesome.”
  • “i don’t understand. you want to see other people? only other people.”
  • “wow, all these charts and graphs. someone’s been doing their homework… looks like usa today.”
  • “jan is cold. if she was sitting across from you on a train, and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.”
  • “the first guy says, “well i’m an astronaut, so i drive a saturn.” and the second guy says, “well i’m a pimp so i drive a cheap escort.” and the third guy says, “i got you both beat. i’m a proctologist, so i drive a brown probe.”
  • “a gentleman does not kiss and tell. and neither do i.”
  • “sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.”
  • “this is creed and he is in charge of something.”
  • “hi children. i’m michael scott and i’m in charge of this place (how do i make you understand?). i’m like superman and the people who work here are like citizens of gotham city.”
  • “listen, i like kids but this isn’t a kids environment. this is like hbo. no limits. who knows what i’m gonna say? crazy stuff and it’s r-rated. it isn’t rated g. i’m like eddie murphy in raw and they’re trying to make me into eddie murphy in daddy daycare. both great movies, but still…”
  • “i’m very sorry i didn’t know that you were wearing a hearing aid. i just thought that you were speaking abnormally.”
  • “pam, i’m public speaking. stop public interrupting me! actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.”
  • “scranton is great but new york is like scranton on acid. no on speed. no, on steroids.”
  • “i’m an early bird and a night owl. so i’m wise and i have worms.”
  • “it’s not a popularity contest. although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.”
  • “devon, wait, please look. in addition to severance and everything, i want to give you this gift certificate to chili’s.”
  • “i told dwight that there is honor in losing. which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous. but there is however honor in making a loser feel better, which is what i just did for dwight.”
  • “there are certain things a boss doesn’t share with his employees. his salary, that would depress them. his bed. and i’m not going to tell them that i’ll be reading their emails.”
  • “it was a tough year. i had to fire somebody this year.”
  • “i want people to cut loose. i want people making out in closets. i want people hanging from the ceilings, lampshades on their heads. i want it to be a playboy mansion party.”
  • “presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. it’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say hey man, i love you this many dollars-worth.”
  • “so phyllis is basically saying hey michael, i know you did a lot to help the office this year, but i only care about you an oven mitts-worth. i gave ryan an ipod!”
  • “yankee swap is like machiavelli meets christmas.”
  • “yeah i’m fussy! aspirins not gonna do a damn thing! i’m sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.”
  • “i bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. no one wants to pick me up?!?!”
  • “the rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. the first person to shout shotgun when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. that’s how the games played. there are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.”
  • “today is spring cleaning day here at dunder mifflin and — yes, i know it’s January, i’m not an idiot — but if you do your spring cleaning in january, guess what you don’t have to do in spring? anything…”
  • “why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? i don’t know. could be done out of hate. could be done out of love? it could be completely neutral. maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. and she doesn’t do a very good job obviously because my office still reeks like you wouldn’t believe. i hate her.”
  • “you know what? i’m beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office.”
  • “is this done? extreme home makeover puts together a house in an hour. if you were on that crew you would be fired like that!”
  • “last week i would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. i would’ve reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. but now? no. i don’t have the relationship with these people that i thought i did. i hope they ask so they can hear me say no. i only give my organs to my real friends. go get yourself a monkey kidney.”
  • “what is more important than quality? equality.”
  • “why can’t boys play with dolls? why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?”
  • “now you may look around and see two groups here. white collar, blue collar. but i don’t see it that way. you know why not? because i’m collar-blind.”
  • “make friends first, make sales second, make love third. in no particular order.”
  • ” there’s no such things as an appropriate joke. that’s why it’s a joke.”
  • “i’m not superstitious, but i’m a little stitious.”
  • “well, just tell him to call me asap as possible.”
  • “oh god, my mind is going a mile an hour.”
  • “i’ve got to make sure that youtube comes down and tapes this.”
  • ” you know what they say, fool me once strike one, but fool me twice…strike three…”

breaking the ice…

it had been a very long time, since i’d been in this position…the position of just meeting someone for the first time. someone, whom i talked to for hours and started getting to know in depth, over the phone. someone, whom i recently met in person and spent time with over christmas. someone, whom i’m attempting to date and get to know better slowly, from a distance. 

so, here i’m in the position of choosing to try to date again and be with someone that i’m still getting to know. usually, i walk around on pins and needles, worrying about breaking the ice, for one thing or another…especially, in someone else’s house. i’m usually uptight and uncomfortable, wound very tightly, and unable to relax. however, in this particular position, with this particular person, i felt completely comfortable and she indicated the same.

now when i say, “breaking the ice,” i’m referring to something happening for the first time. when dating, keeping track of ice breaking…who did what first, whose body betrayed them first, who made the biggest faux pas, etc…is endlessly entertaining and can always be used as a reason for healthy teasing later.

the person that i’m trying to get to know better, had a king-sized, extra tall, sleigh bed…and, i’m a person, with short little legs, an extremely long torso, and unnaturally long arms. each night that i was there, my person had absolutely no problem crawling into bed, scooting over, and scurrying under the covers. she was a pro!! 

however, when it came to my turn each night, it was an all out fight to get me into bed and keep me there. it was quite literally, a two person job. first of all, i must also interject, that the scene would not be complete, without me mentioning that it wasn’t just the two of us in the bed. it was the two of us, her dog (a 120 pound great dane/standard poodle mix), and my dog (a 12 pound chihuahua/miniature pinscher mix). 

after brushing my teeth each night, i’d sidle up to the side of the bed, bargain with the dogs to scoot over, and then, attempt to propel myself up and onto the bed, around the dogs…and, try to hang on with my arms, as i’d begin to slide off. my person would always reach over and grab a flailing arm, and pull me up, or hold me there, until i could reposition. the whole thing ended up being quite a production. 

one night, we had been bantering back and forth. we were being playful and both laughing, but our conversation turned into something more serious. i gave my person a kiss before taking on the responsibility of trying to put myself into bed. it was nice and i decided that i was going to be really cool and try a different “smooth” way to jump up and roll toward her. so, there i was, feeling really confident and competent. i had a big smile on my face. i thought to myself, “oh, i’ve got this!!”

i was ready. i couldn’t get myself up there quickly enough. as i set myself up to make my extra, super-fancy, ultra-sexy-suave move…i was in all my glory, very self-assured, and very certain of the outcome. i propelled, scooted, and turned toward her..all in one agile move. i absolutely nailed it. as i was floating in mid-air, before making my descent…i heard my mind say with a chuckle, “…perfection…” 

i saw my person as i prepared to land, she smiled at me, and we maintained eye contact as i hit the bed with the expected thud…and, something extra. i was absolutely mortified when i heard what sounded like a big, loud raspberry or a whoopee cushion. and, there was no trying to blame it on one of the dogs. we all heard it and knew where it came from. i was so embarrassed, but neither of us could stop laughing. 

and then came the chanting, “kw broke the fart ice. kw broke the fart ice. kw broke the fart ice.” and the fact that she did that, immediately released me from feeling anything other than amused. she really helped me off of the hot seat. we had a great laugh and then she looked at me, and said, “you should write about breaking the “fart ice.”

being a person is getting too complicated…

…time to be a unicorn.

this little gem was a gift to me from someone special. someone who challenged me to do and to be better.

it was received about a year ago, when i was negotiating the release of my personal possessions, with my ex.

when i opened my email and saw it, my frustration and irritation melted away. it was time to be a unicorn.

it’s funny, because i look back now and being a person wasn’t half as complicated then, as it is now.

now, i’m healthier, stronger wiser, lighter, more confident and adorable, and more experienced in complication.

but now, although i can walk several miles…i was an idiot who began smoking again, because i missed it and wanted to. 

now thankfully, i’ve been a nonsmoker again for almost a week, but i have bigger complications than that.

if i belonged to doctor doolittle, i’d be the push me, pull you. led in two different directions, getting nowhere.

or, if i were a peanuts character, i’d be charlie brown. exuberant and trusting – with lucy always moving the football.

some of the complications are my own doing, but others aren’t. those complications prompt unicorn status.

and if i become a unicorn…everything becomes rainbows, fuzzy stars, and scratch and sniff hearts, right…?

and if so, can i travel back in time? to an age where my heart has not yet been broken and childlike wonder abounds…

where there are puffy stickers and homemade valentines. and, getting a special one, made all the difference.

one that was simple and plain, but said, “will you be my valentine? yes, no, maybe so, check the box to the right.”

if so, it’s been almost a year since i’ve been a unicorn last and i might be up for my yearly reconsideration.

i’ve spent my year being a person growing, changing, and improving. i’ve learned a lot and i’ve done a lot.

but………………..being a person is getting too complicated…time to be a unicorn…