things i keep telling myself…

…tomorrow is a new day…

…no one knows what the future holds…

…remember, you’re a shitty mindreader…

…age is a state of mind…

…you still get carded…

…where there’s a will, there’s a way…

…patience is a virtue…

…good things come to those who wait…

…the juice was worth the squeeze…

…nothing ventured, nothing gained…

…you’re good enough, you’re smart enough and dog gone it…people like you…

…keep going…just a little further…

…love yourself and others will love you too…

…you’re a good catch…

…protect your heart…

…listen to your gut…

…open your eyes…

…be grateful for all that you have…

…be kind…

…give of yourself…

…listen, before you speak…

…you can have what you want and you will…

…keep working your plan, you will achieve your dreams and accomplish your goals…

…wake up…

…this is your life…

…take responsibility for yourself…

…continue to do the work…

…don’t burn bridges…

…don’t settle…

…be open to possibilities and magic…

…keep an open mind…

 

not today…

…keep your idiotic guffaws to yourself…

…my god stifle your mynah bird chatter…

…please, r*****d…i can’t hear “and death”…one more time…

…stop moving your ginormous, dirty, black feet around in my field of vision…

…it’s none of your business how many times and with whom…

…no my therapist won’t “do you” and neither will my friend…

…no one is staring at your package…
…please keep your scary, “fox news opinions” hidden deep within…

…keep your balls scrubbed and their stench away from me…

…don’t ask, “what’s cold in the fridge,” check it yourself, exercise you old goat…

…no…i’m not watching it…you are on your own…

…keep telling yourself that you’re the nicest guy that you’d ever like to meet…

…i’m not allowing you to fuck with my mind or emotions…

…i will not continue to sit here and listen to you lie to me with impunity…

…not today…today, you are on your own disgusting, old man…deal with it…

06.20.2017…11:57…106°…36.083865, -115.035015 (the numbers of my day)…

…it’s now four minutes after noon…

i’m reminded that the desert is a dangerous place…the temperature, the weather, the environment, the native wildlife, and the transplanted wildlife.

on an average, the temperature varies widely between 38° and 105°…it is very rarely below 30° and very rarely above 111°. the “hot season” lasts for approximately 3-1/2 months. it lasts from june 2 until september 16…with the average high temperature being 95°. the hottest day of the year has historically been july 13, with an average high of 105° and average low of 80°.

on the flipside, the “cold season” lasts approximately 3-1/4 months. it lasts from november 18 until february 24…with the average daily high temperature being around 66°. the coldest day of the year has historically been december 26, with an average high of 56° and average low of 38°.

the desert is home to weather events such as excessive heat, extreme cold, windstorms, duststorms, hailstorms, flash floods, droughts, mudslides, debris flows, landslides, severe thunderstorms, killer lightning, tornadoes, funnel clouds, water spouts, and dust devils. 

the desert is home to many different and unique breeds of wildlife…this group includes mammals, reptiles, birds, and insects. they can be broken down by diet…carnivores, herbivores, omnivores, insectivores, and scavengers. they can be divided into the two groups of predator and prey. and, they can also be classified by activity…diurnal and nocturnal. the mojave is also home to two breeds of feral animals…the wild horse and the wild burro.

the mojave desert is home to many endangered and threatened species of both fauna and flora…

     mammals:

          amargosa southern pocket gopher
          desert bighorn sheep
          mountain lion
          townsend’s big-eared bat

     birds:

          bald eagle
          california brown pelican
          least bell’s vireo
          mexican spotted owl
          yuma clapper rail

     reptiles:

          coachella valley fringe-toed lizard
          desert tortoise

     amphibians:

          lowland leopard frog

     fish:

          bonytail chub
          colorado squawfish
          devil’s hole pupfish
          mojave tui chub
          humpback chub
          razorback sucker

     insects and snails:

          badwater snail
          devil’s hole warm springs riffle beetle

     plants:

          bear-paw poppy
          foxtail cactus
          eureka valley evening primrose
          panamint daisy
          sticky buckwheat

the mojave desert was originally home to native american tribes: mohave, kawaiisu, kitanemuk, serrano, koso, southern paiute, chemehuevi. a spaniard, catholic missionary, francisco garces was the first to meet the mohaves. the us army annexed the mohave and created a reservation, where less than 2,000 mohave tribe members actually live today.

the new residents of the mojave, have shaped and changed it forever. the desert is now theirs. they have changed it to suit them. they are : prospectors and miners, military and government testers, paranormal investigators and otherworldly explorers, the “mob element” and criminal investors, gamblers and fortune hunters, freelancers and independent contractors, sex workers and marijuana workers, guards and drivers, dealers and players, retirees and snowbirds, bartenders and drinkers, chefs and entertainers, the addicted and the homeless.

***on maps and documents mojave is spelled with a “j.” pertaining to the tribe of native americans, mohave is spelled with an “h.” when in arizona or speaking of the arizona part of the desert, mohave is spelled with an “h.”***


i must be missing something…

…i look at it over and over again to check to see if i have misunderstood a statement or just made it up in my head. sometimes, i doubt my own sanity.

it never changes. it’s always there in black and white, staring at me blankly. so then, i wonder if i’ve been asleep and just stuck in a dream, the same dream over and over. 

check, check, checking and rechecking-it’s maddening. it’s hard for me to interpret the words and actions of others. nonverbal communication can be a killer for me.

it’s something that must drive other people absolutely nuts about me. it makes me feel like i don’t understand anything correctly or clearly…and, i probably never will.

i feel lost and in limbo, because the words that i love, that hold so much meaning…are also the things that once touched by other people, their meanings change forever.

if all of the meanings, usages, and contexts keep changing each time my words are used, i’ll never catch up. i’ll never be relevant. i’ll never be able to understand…

just waking up…

…i tried to stay up as long as i possibly could last night…

…i wanted to hear about the combative, drunk lady, with .228 blood alcohol concentration…

…i was curious to know about people’s reactions to the website…

…i just wanted to listen and not have to say anything. i am so tired of hearing myself talk about nothing of importance…

…i am inspired by new ideas that surround me and my plan moves forward…

whoopsie…

…indeed.

last night i was walking buggs and usually i’m very careful to take the paths furthest from where the “proselytizing white shirts” live. 

(yes, this is a relatively “new trick”…moving into apartment complexes and spending each and everyday trying to convert the neighbors. i don’t know why there isn’t some kind of rule against it. w***y, told me that the church actually owns the complex. i don’t know for sure!)

okay, here’s the thing, you’re free to believe whatever you want, but please don’t constantly come after me when i’m trying to exercise and enjoy my night with my dog. i neither take kindly to it, nor respond well to it. my dog came from a rescue and is very wary of overly zealous strangers, who pop up willy-nilly and approach aggressively. 

so, last night we went out at about 9:33 pm. it was past the time that i perceive to be “mormon bedtime.” i thought that we were safe. buggs was peeing on a tree and out of nowhere, quite possibly the bushes…white shirt, red tie and white shirt, blue tie appear…quickly and aggressively. 

i tugged on bugg’s leash and told him, “let’s go.” we began retreating  in the opposite direction, but they pursued us and chased after us while we were just trying “to be.” we stopped very suddenly, buggs was pissed, his hackles were up…the men were two feet from us…hands out, trying to shove booklets in my face.

i was choking on the bile of their sickeningly sweet address. i was frustrated by being followed and literally being “hunted” within my own complex. i was disgusted by their lack of common sense, decency, and compassion…for their neighbors and people in general.

after i’ve greeted them, been nice and said, “hello” hundreds of times, and i’ve explained in complete detail why they will never convert me to mormonism (maybe i should say, “moronism.”)…because i’m a lesbian who smokes medical marijuana, and enjoys an occasional drink and coffee. i’m a “salty” character, who uses colorful language. i despise organized religion. to me, any religion that is under 200 years old is a cult. i’ve got no interest in joining a cult, but nice try boys!!

i’ve explained about my dog and they keep coming, buggs hates creeping, male strangers. he took an aggressive/protective posture and let out a long, low growl. i said, “did you not hear that? that mean he’s going to attack you,  if you come any closer. he said, “that’s okay, dog’s love me. i’m not scared.” he came closer and crouched to touch, buggs. i scooped up my dog with both hands, in a quick swift movement.

previously, i had been holding bugg’s leash in my left hand and holding my cargo shorts up with my right hand, as all of my shorts are two sizes too big, since i’ve lost one hundred plus pounds. as i hugged buggs up to my chest, i looked into white shirt, red tie’s eyes and angrily growled, ” get the fuck away from me and stay away from me.” i felt something happen, which i had tried to control.

and, sure enough…i knew that feeling. i stood there and my cargo shorts fell to the ground. standing there in my t-shirt and boxer shorts, i very gingerly stepped out of my cargos, picked them up, looked at the shocked guys, and proudly, and confidently marched back to the apartment in my t-shirt and boxers.

whoopsie…