may the fourth be with you…

ha…that is the greeting that i received via text from j**s this morning. it made me giggle.

so, i thought that i would pass it on to all of you. so, may the fourth be with you all!!

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jubilee – the year that was 2017…

i had heard the word jubilee before many times, but never really gave it any thought. 

a few years back, it was my friend d****e’s birthday. it piqued my interest when she posted that she was celebrating her jubilee. i wished her a happy birthday and asked her what she meant and she told me that she was celebrating her fiftieth year.

i found jubilee to be an awesome and fitting word for embracing and celebrating fifty years of experiences, memories, friends, family, love, and life. i knew that i was turning fifty this year and that’s how i wanted to handle it…as an all out celebration of me. 

i didn’t want to be sad or depressed or caught up in self-pity. i wanted to fly high and push the envelope as far as i could. i wanted to go to new places, meet new people, and try new things. 

i wanted to tear myself out of my comfort zone and throw myself into exciting explorations and thrilling adventures. i embarked on a yearlong journey that i never saw myself capable of doing solitarily a year or two ago.

but as 2017 ends, i can see it all very clearly. and, I did it. I did it all solitarily, save for the two precious souls that were always with me 24/7…my twelve pound dynamo and co-pilot buggs and my invisible friend and co-co-pilot j**s. 

i give these two beloved and precious souls kudos and all of the credit for keeping me safe and on course. when i think about it, without either one of them on board, i could have been lost forever to sleep sickness and never heard from again.

but, here i am and they are still here too…and i still have six more months of jubilee left in me!! so, i welcome 2018. i am antsy and bored and ready to get out of this comfort zone and into some exciting explorations and thrilling adventures.

dear friends and loved ones, i appreciate and value each and every one of you!! i wish you all the very best that life and love have to offer. i wish you all to have good health and strength of body and mind and soul. i love you. happy new year 2018!!

uncertainty…

that tiny bit of doubt

it manages to work it’s way into my mind

it may lie there dormant for weeks

springing back to life when least expected

or, it enters and immediately grows roots and takes over

in either case, it’s generally something so innocuous

that no one else would ever even think twice about it

but, i do

it’s the way something may or may not be said

a look that may or may not have been dismissive

it’s a simple word or line of text or phrase with no punctuation at the end

that leaves my wheels spinning over and over…round and round

my gut tied up in knots as my stomach churns and burns

everything spins out of control with no context, no resolution, and no clarity

things of absolutely no consequence are assigned random, but specific meaning

it drains every ounce of joy from my spirit and i am spent

 

 

 

on a note unrelated to anything…

…that i’ve posted here…

(this is from a few days ago now)

i don’t want to to speak too soon and jinx anything or count my chickens before they’ve hatched.

i will say that today has been extraordinary. yes, it’s been a terrifying and thrilling rollercoaster ride.

i was pressed to the back of my seat, feet flat on the ground, and holding onto real objects to keep me grounded.

i’ve been thinking for days examining my thoughts, feelings, emotions, moods, intentions, body language, wants, needs.

today, i utilized my self-evident truths and chose to do things differently, but, not in a “george costanza,” kind of way.

two nights ago, i wrote my truths on index cards. i laid the cards out and arranged according to patterns i saw.

i took each pattern and made it into a paragraph. the paragraphs gave me a rough draft, a skeleton to flesh out.

it came easily, directly from the heart…a piece that clearly and accurately summed up everything, all of my truths.

it was accepted for publication on vocal.media last night, but i chose not to talk about it, until it had been read…

today, i was scared, but confident in my resolve to be okay, to hold it together, to continue to carry on, thrive, and grow…

regardless of the outcome of releasing these truths and realizations to their intended, their inspiration.

it was more of a proclamation than anything else. it was crystal clear, not vague, cluttered, or messy.

i had to blow-up the box from the inside and put it back together again, one piece at a time…

…without gaps, glue, or fasteners and re-craft it…seamlessly and masterfully into a work of art. and, i did!!

 

d******e…

…okay, there is a private post from july 12, 2017. that is half of what i have been trying to write. it’s nothing great or special, just part of what i’ve been trying to write. i’m so sorry that it has taken me so long…it doesn’t mean that i don’t care…because i do!!

…okay, so the password is the name of the larger of your two dogs. Starts with a capital letter…the rest are lower case. the email will be sent shortly.

this is the link to the private post from july 12, 2017.

things i keep telling myself…

…tomorrow is a new day…

…no one knows what the future holds…

…remember, you’re a shitty mindreader…

…age is a state of mind…

…you still get carded…

…where there’s a will, there’s a way…

…patience is a virtue…

…good things come to those who wait…

…the juice was worth the squeeze…

…nothing ventured, nothing gained…

…you’re good enough, you’re smart enough and dog gone it…people like you…

…keep going…just a little further…

…love yourself and others will love you too…

…you’re a good catch…

…protect your heart…

…listen to your gut…

…open your eyes…

…be grateful for all that you have…

…be kind…

…give of yourself…

…listen, before you speak…

…you can have what you want and you will…

…keep working your plan, you will achieve your dreams and accomplish your goals…

…wake up…

…this is your life…

…take responsibility for yourself…

…continue to do the work…

…don’t burn bridges…

…don’t settle…

…be open to possibilities and magic…

…keep an open mind…