excerpts from a letter…

dear k,

i’m going to say this to you with love and i hope that you will listen.

do you remember that eeyore attitude that i warned you about? i’m going to gently re-remind you of it now. 

if you like people…if you value your friendships…if you ever decide to pursue someone…

pull your head out of your ass!! wake up and smell the coffee. people like you, as you are…goofiness, quirkiness, and all. 
don’t repeatedly ask the same questions. your friends are strong minded and have opinions. they will tell you what they think.

don’t tell people things that make them wonder what they mean. don’t tell them that you don’t want to scare them away, because you will. instead, show them that you want them to stay. actions speak louder than words.

don’t self-sabotage!! don’t kick yourself in the ass later, because you were too afraid to try. you are confident. you begin confident. you stay confident. if you can relax and be yourself, you will always know that you were you…at the best and the worst. when you give others you, you give them the best that you have to offer.

you are not a victim…not to family dynamics, not to catfishes, not to the desert, not to therapy, not to sickness, not to finances, not to weight or physical ability…you are not a victim to anyone or anything other than your own fear and self-sabotages.

don’t talk down about yourself. don’t sell yourself short. don’t be eeyore or debby downer. don’t be negative. don’t whine or complain. don’t bitch and moan. don’t devalue yourself or others. don’t use absolutes. don’t use should. don’t assume anything. don’t second guess. don’t question motives.

you’re positive and vibrant. be positive, stay positive. give the benefit of the doubt. listen more than you speak. be understanding. be uplifting. be a joy to be around. be honest always, even about health issues. be caring.

give space. let others miss you. never push or ask for more than anyone is willing to share or give. be patient. be kind. be supportive and encouraging. give others what they need from you, as they make these things known.

don’t always be so available. you work, they work…yes, you have more freedom, but you have real responsibilities to yourself, your dog, and others. you have deadlines to keep. you have financial obligations and very big plans. they aren’t going to like you less, if you are available less…if they do, you have the freedom to adjust. if you continue to be so available, people are going to think that you do absolutely nothing all day.

keep a schedule. keep your medication box filled. keep up on your shots. get a good night of sleep each night. make and keep an exercise schedule…give it your all everyday, reasonably. try not to skip meals. nourish your body with healthy food. keep cutting out the sugar and carbs, it has done wonders. try to have salad every night for dinner. get yourself as healthy and physically fit as possible before you meet anyone new or old.

don’t be sad and sappy thinking that you’ll never find someone to click with, accepting defeat as if it has already occurred. if you sow the seeds of suggestion and sabotage, they will surely grow. instead, be your best everyday!! be happy and secure, as you are. show evidence that you are…be happy, be secure. show them YOU (!!!).  you’re a diamond, be willing to sparkle in their presence!!! DID YOU HEAR ME??? YOU’RE A MOTHERFUCKING DIAMOND…BE THAT DIAMOND AND SPARKLE…GOD DAMN YOU…SPARKLE!!!

give yourself a chance, be the change that you wish to see in your life. embrace your short-comings and flaws, as well as gifts and talents. love yourself and others will love you too.

in the immortal words of michael scott…”…never ever, ever give up.” michael never gave up, even after he let holly go. he was patient and he waited and they reunited.

the same thing with jim and pam. jim was in love with pam, but pam was with roy. jim took a chance and put it all out there on the line. pam turned him down. jim transferred to stamford to get away from the heartbreak of pam and roy getting married. pam called off her wedding to roy, because of jim. jim came back to scranton and pam was free, but jim was with karen. pam saw jim and karen together and got back together with roy. roy found out that jim kissed pam and broke up with pam. roy went after jim and karen found out that jim was still in love with pam. jim and pam finally got together.

the office is not real life and everybody doesn’t always magically end up with someone special like that. but, never give up. 

exercise, wear yourself out. work yourself silly. quit overthinking and overdoing. PLEASE!!! because you’re going to blow opportunities!!! you deserve to be happy!!! take responsibility for yourself…continue to do the motherfucking work…this is your life…the last half of your motherfucking life…WAKE UP!!!

make each day your own. make each day your best. put your best foot forward and march. put your game face on. meet each challenge head on. don’t have a chip on your shoulder. don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. be good to yourself. be good to others.



dear mom…

…happy mother’s day.  it’s hard to be excited to celebrate with all that’s going on…not that i don’t want to celebrate you, because i do. 

i celebrate all that you were: mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, wife, daughter, writer, chef, ski instructor, arborist, quilter, landscape architect, etc.

i celebrate all that you are now…finally, a free spirit with the ability to come and go, as you please. you can finally see the world, that you were never taken to see. 

i learned a lot from you. perhaps the biggest lesson was to not settle…don’t stay when you’re not treated well…don’t waste a moment of your time…be truly happy. 

thank you for giving me systems and order, for teaching me to: read, write, add, subtract, multiply, divide, sort, collate, organize, memorize, use my imagination. 

happy mother’s day, mom…i miss you and i love you.

dear kelly…

dear kelly…

we were together for 14 years. we accomplished so much, had so many adventures, and enjoyed each others company for all but the last 3 years that we were together.

we met back in the olden days before cell phones, computers, and online dating. i had placed an ad in the san diego reader, and you answered it. you said that you had a girlfriend and that you were just looking for a friend. i tossed your letter, because i wanted more.

a year later, i placed an ad in the same paper. i once again received a letter from you. you once again stated that you had a girlfriend, but i was more than happy that time, to have a friend.

what developed between the two of us, quickly became much more than a friendship. you treated me so well. you made me necklace and a mix tape, put it in a card and left it in my mailbox. 

evelyn finally contacted you and she wanted you back. you were very torn, but you chose me. at the time, i worked two jobs and had a two bedroom apartment. i had one cat, john rotten, and you had four…otto, rosey, wanda, and unfortunately i forgot the other one’s name.

i didn’t ask you to move in with me, but somehow, you and the cats appeared there. we lived in la mesa, california…a suburb of sunny san diego. it wasn’t long before melissa, david, and paul joined us.

we went to the beach several times a week and always had a blast with our nephew, paul. you were a real estate photographer, before i got my hands on you and turned you into a picture framer.

at the time, i had a corporate job with michael’s, as a district framing trainer. i was in charge of 18 stores. i trained you myself and put you in charge of the frame shop and staff, of the escondido store.

you shot beautiful black and white photographs…many of them portraits of me or paul. you played guitar, wrote songs, and sang in a band with marc and rich, both of whom i trained and installed as frame shop managers…one in la mesa, one in clairemont. 

i will never forget the night that you sang me the song that you had written for me in marc’s living room. i was shocked, amazed, and deeply touched. i had absolutely no words.

i will also never forget coming home on the one year anniversary of kurt cobain’s death, walking in the door, seeing you sitting on the floor, surrounded by candles, playing guitar, and singing, “jesus doesn’t want me for a sunbeam.”

i used to tell you that you had, “mona lisa” hands. when you used to tell me that you loved me, i used to ask you, “still, after all these years?” you never forgot a birthday or anniversary. you gave of yourself always.

i talked you into saving with me for a vacation to the pacific northwest, as i was already prepared to move there secretly, at that point. we drove up the coast of california and oregon, camping the whole way.

when we came back, david and melissa, had gotten wanda the cat, into the habit of eating ice cream every night. melissa wanted to get rid of david for awhile, so we sent him to seattle to work on a crab boat, in alaska. 

you, me, and melissa flew to portland, oregon to look for our new home. we found nothing in portland, but on our last day, we found an awesome place in vancouver, washington…101 east 39th street, 98661.

me, melissa, and paul picked up our brand new ryder truck and car trailer. i was driving when we were struck head on. i could no longer drive. we got a new truck and my dad drove, with paul and melissa. courtney car was on the trailer, full of framed artwork and all of the cats.

i’ll never forget us driving behind the truck, leaving san diego, and watching the back of the truck roll up, and watching the vacuum cleaner dance around, and nearly fall out. i remember the lights reflected off of the kitties eyes.

we arrived in our new home and that first year was such a struggle. melissa was depressed and didn’t want to be there, money was tight, and paul missed grandma and grandpa. we persevered and made it.

melissa and paul went with charles, and that opened a new can of worms. we found that paul had been abused and my parents came, and got him. we began living our lives together, without interference from my sister.

you surprised me in 1998, with a big, fluffy baby…dieter solomon mango louise. he was the biggest, sweetest, most mindful, goofy boy. he was a german shepherd/great dane mix. he was our first of three boys, all of which we adopted in 1998.

1998 was a year of great abundance for us. i went to la grande, oregon…with my grandma, my mom, my sister, and paul to a church camp. i was sleeping in a teepee one night, when i was awoken by something soft and furry, trying to burrow into my sleeping bag. 

i shot out of bed, grabbed a flashlight, and found a black fluff ball, which we aptly named samson. samson was happy and prancy. he was a border collie/samoyed mix. dieter and samson hit it off, but we were still in an apartment. 

we looked for a house to rent and were given an opportunity to buy a recently remodeled flip. i used my settlement to clean your credit and you qualified. we bought the two bedroom, one bath house on grand boulevard, in front of the beautiful old cemetery. 

we bought martha stewart paint and painted each room differently. we planted many fruit trees…apples, pears, and cherries. we planted a tiny sprig of a spruce that grew up to be giant, strong, and mighty. you planted 67 different varieties of roses. you planted iris and tulip bulbs.

unbeknownst to me, you put a request into the shelter for a boxer. they called you soon after and you told me. i tried to talk you out of going to look at him. i said that we had enough dogs and that one more, would be a bad idea. i made you feel bad. i made you cry.

i nearly lost one of the greatest joys that i’ve ever known in this life…a dog named, “world famous gunther the painting boxer dog.” we took dieter and samson to meet the little 6 month old guy and when i looked into his eyes…it was instant love, recognition, and validation. 

we were very happy with our boys, our house, and our single copy news business. we could afford nice things. i bought a brand new ford f-150, double cab truck. you bought a nissan quest van. later on mother’s day, we went down with the boys, and bought a brand new ford escape.

we had friends and employees like john, robin, and neil. i had many surgeries; carpal tunnel right and left, ulnar nerve release right, and digital dorsal release right. you were by my side for every single one. you always brought me a stuffed animal and took me home with you, where i always knew that i would be safe, warm, and very loved.

we went to so many concerts: sarah mclachlan, tori amos, concrete blonde, melissa etheridge, joan jett, ani difranco, the pretenders, jars of clay, bare naked ladies, the sex pistols, the foo fighters, soundgarden, metallica, ozzy, alanis morrisette, boy george, kd lang, and many more. 

we went to many comedy shows: margaret cho, ellen degeneres, janeane garofalo, louie anderson, kathy griffin, and many more. we met famous people like sarah mclachlan, johnette napolitano, louie anderson, you and gunther met ellen degeneres and anne heche when they were fighting in the streets of portland.

we went to seattle and drove around lake washington until we finally found kurt cobain’s house. we walked over to the park that was right next door and we took photos, and tried to look over and under the fence, until a security guard chased us away. we went back to the park and picked up a rock, which i still have.

we bought and collected art together. we went to galleries and museums. we attended art openings and bid on art at art auctions. we bought and sold on ebay. at one point in time, you sold thousands of dollars worth of your own paintings to an old guy on ebay. i was in charge of photos and posting everything.

i received another settlement in 2004 and we decided to embark on a huge mission, our dream at the time. we walked through the skidmore fountain building, in downtown portland, right in the heart of the portland saturday market. it was the perfect location with built-in foot traffic. we found the perfect space inside and setup shop.

we opened the first of two art gallery/gift shop/frame shops. we named our places, “art for dog’s sake gallery and custom framing.” our sign was very creative and i loved it. it was your idea, you created it. it was a photo of the mona lisa, with gunther in her arms. it still makes me smile to think about it!!

our first little shop lasted until 2007. people loved coming there, they always found something unique and cool. we sold gunther’s paintings, accoutrements, clothes, body jewelry, and your art. i did all of the custom picture framing. you became the spokesperson/rockstar and i was content to be in the background…for awhile.

in 2006, we opened our second location in historic downtown, gresham, oregon. it was in the perfect spot, right on main street…in a three thousand square foot building. we stopped by the location on a whim one day and pretended like we had  $5000 per month to rent the space. we of course didn’t, but we enjoyed playing, “what if,” sometimes.

the rental agent took our card and called us everyday for a month. finally, i called back and told her that it just wasn’t in our budget. i will never forget what happened next. the owner of the building asked us for a meeting at our original store. he wanted to see a business and marketing plan, which was very fortunate, because at that time, i had just completed a business and marketing plan, as my final for a business course that i was taking at school.

by the end of the meeting, we had a check for $13,000, keys to our new store, and six months of free rent. we were absolutely ecstatic on one hand and not at all surprised on the other. we were both very confident in our skills and powers of persuasion. we worked well as a team and played perfectly off of one another. well, what would anyone else ever expect from us…two leo’s, born five days apart, in the same year. 

so, we setup another bigger and better shop. chipotle came for our grand opening and served burritos, as a cross branding event. we had a new artist opening each month, with wine, cheese, and music. we even flew gus fink out for a huge show of his original art and comics, he did a signing as well. my parents and paul even came out for that. it was awesome and we did it. 

it all seemed so magical on the surface, but we had been fracturing since about 2005. in 2005, i began having odd sensations and weird neurological ailments and you stopped sleeping in the bedroom. there were walls between us, but i wanted them down. i asked repeatedly what we were…friends, roommates, or partners…you said that you just weren’t happy with yourself and didn’t know. i asked you for a year.

the two of us being so close together, so similar, and so leo…made us both the best of friends and the biggest competitors. those last three years felt like perpetual competition. it felt less fun for me and the more i had to ask you over that year, the more sad and lonely i became. i made the decision to go back to school in 2005, purely for financial reasons. i had no intention of liking it or even graduating with either an aa or ba. 

in 2006, i met a girl in geography class, it was sarah. at first, i just thought that she was my straight school friend, but i realized that she was interested in me as more. she had never had a girlfriend or been with a woman. i never had any intention of acting on anything, but i did. i knew that it was wrong at the time and i know that it’s wrong now. i fucked up and did the wrong thing. if i had it to do all over again, i would’ve dragged us to therapy.

the last truly great thing that we pulled off as a couple was the, “it’s a dog’s life festival.” we single handedly created a successful event for dogs and their owners. we had 50 vendors, 5 rescues, 2 radio stations, raffles, events, contests, and news media coverage. it was something that we had never before done, it was a labor of love, and our baby. 

i left you in a bad way. i thought of no one but myself. i hurt you. i hurt the person that i loved the most. i hurt the person that loved me the most in my lifetime. the one who kept me safe and warm. the one who came and checked on me when i was in the hospital, after we broke up. it’s a fact that i’ve had to live with, for the last 9 years. there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t regret it… that i don’t think about you and wonder how you are doing…what you are doing. 

here’s the thing, i know that you went on to find the love of your life. you deserved to find her, to marry her, to make her your wife. you two deserve all of your success in the portland/vancouver art world. you deserve backyard chickens, indoor dogs, and big beautiful tattoos. you deserve a long life, full of love, friends, and laughter.

i don’t know how many years it’s been now, i think maybe two or three…since you beat ovarian cancer. sarah told me one day a few years ago that you had it, when she and i were still together. i felt really bad, but i knew that you were still young, and a fighter. i guess that i still hadn’t felt the full ramifications of what i had done, or how badly i had hurt you, but i still tried to get in touch with you. i remembered you in my prayers.

and now here i am, sitting here sobbing for my old friend, my old love, my old partner in crime. and i shout at the top of my lungs, “you don’t deserve this…but, i do.” i read the news today and it immediately reduced me to tears. the cancer is back, in your lymph nodes and possibly in your lungs. and yet, you fight on and stay positive, and roll with the punches. i only wish that i could take this burden from you and carry it myself, because I DO DESERVE IT!! you deserve to enjoy your life with your wife. i wish that i could do this for you, because when all is said and done, i do love you, i never stopped loving you…I FUCKED UP!! i’m so sorry…please never stop fighting…

thank you for forgiving me,


dear austin…

dear austin,

i just wanted to let you know that i love you. i know that you already know that, but, i just wanted to reiterate that fact.

you came into my life, when i needed love and comfort the most. i had just lost my gunther and gotten out of the hospital. when, s****, found you and mother h******, on craigslist.

mother h******, couldn’t keep you anymore and needed to rehome you. the day that i met you, was such a happy day!! s**** and i, arrived at the portland, oregon, dog park and waited for your arrival.

i remember catching a glimpse of you, in the rearview mirror. a spunky, little, bowlegged bostohuahua wearing a sporty red hoodie. you strutted yourself around, with pure confidence. i was instantly in love with you…your attitude, your behavior, and your little, endearing quirks…that make you…you.
s**** and i, bought you many hoodies and sweater’s…and, mother h****** sent along a whole wardrobe. my personal favorites were…the black and white skull sweater (which i hope that s**** dressed you in)…the black sweater with the white “a” sewn on it, by auntie v*** (which matched your brother, cashie’s, black sweater with a “c” sewn on it. we took our last “family” photo, with you boys, sporting your handsome sweaters.)…and, your black bow tie (which i am hoping that s**** will send to me, along with your hoodies and sweater’s, and ashes…).

i remember you, being a permanent fixture on my lap, all winter, every winter. when we got you, you didn’t even know how to bark…but, that all changed, when we brought, baby cashie home. cash, (great pyrenees/pit bull mix, with double dews) instantly became your “big, little brother.” he taught you how to bark and how to be a dog.

i remember you being a happy, jaunty, and mellow boy. you loved wearing jammies. you loved your red thermal ones, with the trapdoor and your red flannel ones, with the white polka dots. you used to like to carpet and grass swim. you got a lot of enjoyment and pleasure out of rolling around on the couch, and “kicking up your heels.”

i love you, austi. you will always be my austapotomus, from top to bottomus. you will always be, my jaunty, little man. thank you for sharing your heart and your life with me. thank you for loving me, unconditionally always. please know that i have always loved you the same way, with my whole heart…and always will.

i am so sorry that i wasn’t able to come back and be your mama again. please know that i tried to return and i wasn’t able to. i never abandoned you…you never left my heart…and, you never will. i will be joining you, someday very soon. i love you, stini…see you shortly…

my homework…

hey kid,

yeah you, the one surrounded by books, studying each and every one. the same books over and over, and over again…”the sea of cortez,””the sears and roebuck catalog from 1880,””the merriam-webster dictionary,””goode’s world atlas,””the old family bible,””the guiness book of world records,””the people’s almanac,”and,”the history of modern art.”

i see you everyday. you seek truth. you look for answers. you memorize photos, words, and phrases. you search for meaning. you desperately look for somewhere and someone to call your own. 

you escape for hours at a time, creating a world of your own. a world where you are safe, you are heard, you have friends, and you are loved. it’s a place that’s yours and only yours. no one can touch you there. no one can find you there. no one can yell at you there. no one can hurt you there. and, the part that you love the most, is that no one can leave you there.

i know this about you, because i’m here with you everyday, watching for one, and secondly, because i have been through this myself. i think that i can identify with you and what you might be feeling. maybe, i can help you to get through this and keep you safe.

i see how smart you are. i see that you can read at an adult level and haven’t even entered kindergarten. i see you with your dictionary looking up the words that you don’t know, learning, remembering them, and using them in sentences. you have quite a vocabulary.

i see you practicing your writing, as you learn new words and make lists of them. you see things in words that others don’t. you know what words compliment one another, intensifying their beauty, meaning, and power. you manipulate them masterfully, like an artist maneuvers paint on a canvas, with intent and purpose.

a word of caution, use your words very carefully. words have the power to hurt, as well as to heal. once a word is uttered, it cannot be retrieved. often times dear child, less is more. you don’t want to overwhelm others, with extraneous content, and verbose details.

please know, that you will thank me later, sometimes saying too much, pushes people to the breaking point. save your words for people that appreciate and value them, as much as you do. words and imagination are going to take you far, look forward to that. plan for the future. keep up the good work.

don’t engage your father in conversation. don’t speak unless spoken to. don’t agitate him by trying to have the last word. don’t mutter things under your breath. don’t intentionally be verbally oppositional to him. keep your opinions, your disagreements, and your smart, fancy vocabulary away from him. 

please listen, don’t waste your breath or your precious time on him. he doesn’t deserve to have such a good and obedient daughter, who is such a blessing. don’t continually look for him to approve of you, or validate you. he never will and that’s his power over you…that ever elusive “carrot.” i am here for you now. i approve of you and i will validate you.

i see how intuitive you are. you have been blessed with the gifts of discernment, wisdom, and being able to see beyond what most people can. you know so many secrets about people, places, and things. you are full of questions, as well as answers. you don’t realize your mind’s full potential. you are a “sensitive” and a “feeler.”

sometimes, feelings overwhelm you that you don’t understand. sometimes, you know something will happen, before it does. sometimes, your dreams come true. sometimes, you see things that no one else does. 

i can see that this scares you. i can see that you compare yourself to others, in subtle ways, trying to ascertain whether or not you’re “normal.” i can see that you doubt yourself and your abilities. you worry that there is something wrong with you. you wonder if you are “crazy.”

i know that your parents are fearful people, who don’t understand that you are gifted. i know that you scared the hell out of your mother and it changed her feelings about, and for you. i know that your parents believe that everything that cannot be explained is a matter of faith…either good or evil…white or black…from god or from satan.

please don’t be frightened. i know that it’s hard, because you have been told that you have a demon inside, but you don’t. i know that it doesn’t feel like it now, but you are special. try your hardest, not to be afraid. you are not evil. you will find that people are most afraid of what they don’t understand, the unknown.

a word of caution, this is a very special and private gift, until you can learn more about it, understand it, and master it…keep it to yourself, because you don’t want people to be afraid of you, label you, or perform unnecessary rituals on you. if you can keep it to yourself, you will be spared being a “scapegoat” and “freak.”

i see how imaginative you are. you are so creative. you play doctor and type up your “patients” prescriptions, on the type writer. you make up elaborate stories and tell them to your dog, muffin. you play by yourself for hours and keep yourself entertained. 

i can see how quickly your mind works and am amazed at how you use logic and math to solve most problems. other than words, numbers are your passion. you can complete complex mathematical problems, using your dad’s slide rule. that is so amazing! no, you are amazing!

i can see that you are very lonely, very isolated, and very oppressed. people come into your life, you form deep attachments to those who give you what you crave…time, attention, affection, and love…and, then they vanish…leaving you behind with him, with them, with no hope, and no joy.

i see that you are a people pleaser, who doesn’t know how to form healthy boundaries, or just to say, “no.” you are told to,”give until it hurts” and “always put others ahead of yourself. honey, just because your parents tell you this, it isn’t the way to experience true happiness, or joy. it leaves you feeling guilty for not having done more, letting someone down, or not meeting someone’s expectations.
a word of caution, no one is ever going to be happy and pleased everytime. you win some and you lose some. you no longer need to seek validation and praise from others. you have me now. i will give you all that you need.

i see that you are hurting and traumatized. i am so sorry! you don’t deserve to be the target of rage and anger. you did nothing to deserve the extreme verbal, mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical torment that you have endured. please know that you are strong! you are not a victim! you are a survivor!

i know that because of this trauma, you have developed a “superpower.” it is your brains way of coping, of escaping torment, and of protecting itself. you have learned not to fight, scream, or cry, because it has made things worse. instead, you don’t resist, go limp, and escape to your place, far-far away. it’s okay, i’ve done that, too.

a word of caution, please use this “power” wisely and when you need to, to protect yourself. don’t spend all of your time here, “living in the ethers.” i know that it’s awfully tempting and extremely inviting, but if you do, you will miss out on all of the good things, in the present. practice grounding yourself and remaining present. you will begin to experience unbelievable abundance.

you’re a great kid! you’re not a burden, or an imposition! you’re not a waste of space! you have a lot of love in your heart and someday, you will be loved for who you are. someday, you will find a person of your own and you will belong. that person, will *see* you, love you, and accept you, for who you are. 

hang in there kid! i believe in you! i know that you can overcome any obstacle in your path! you are destined for greatness! 


update, to an open letter…

dear madam’s p*g and m****a,

i really don’t know, or care to know what the motivation was…for you to share my blog, with my father was exactly…but, the secret is out now, no more mystery.

as i stated before, this blog was for me to help myself, as well as to help countless others…in similar familial patterns, and cycles. it has been a forum for understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, love, growth, self-awareness, brutal honesty, and a catalyst for change.

my blog has, and always will be public. it is for like-minded followers, and hateful dissenters alike. i have an amazing aptitude for tolerance, patience, and understanding…as well as, for finding common ground, respectful dialogue, and just agreeing to disagree.

we all have our own crosses to bear, some are a little heavier, and more complicated than others.

may god bless you, and keep you…love and light,


an open letter…

dear sir and/or madam,

obviously, i don’t know who felt the need to share my blog, with my father…but, i’m guessing that the point was to shame, and/or guilt me…make me give up writing, etc.

i just want you to know, that i won’t be silenced…embarrassed…shamed,…or guilted. i do not, and never did have any kind of oppressive spirit, attached to me. what i have, are projections, and speculations, as to my spiritual condition…my perceived deviance…my perceived lack of character…and…your prayers are very welcomed. please know, that i pray for those that love me, as well as for those that hate me…don’t know me, or simply don’t understand me…and believe me, when i say that i pray for you, i pray for my father, and i pray for continuous renewal…of my heart, of my mind, and of my body.

i am completely open to respectful discussion, sharing, and real communication. i am an absolutely reasonable person. i am empathetic, and caring. i invite you to open a dialogue with me…here is my email address

my point in my posts, is not to blame, and point fingers, but rather to learn more, about myself. my thought is simple, how i’ve been living life, hasn’t been working for me. i realized last year, at this time, when my mother told me to work on me, to travel, and to use my talent, to become an author/writer…that i needed to change my life, and change…is what this blog is about.

my vision was to use this blog, as a catalyst for change. a self-awareness gauge…i for one, want to learn from my mistakes, learn about myself, and absolutely learn from my past. in learning from my past, gaining insight, gaining self-awareness, gaining understanding…i am confident, in my ability to love, in my ability to take chances…and, in my capacity for forgiveness…for you, for my father…but, most importantly…for myself.

ps…i’m never going to be straight…you you will never approve of me…i do not, and never did want his damn money!! the whole point has been apparently lost, on you…the only things that i ever *absolutely begged for*…respect, value, worthiness, understanding, love, and him caring enough, to want to know *me*.