unusual…

…clouds were spied this morning, by buggs and i, on our pre-dawn walk. i was really excited, because i thought that maybe we would get some thunderstorms or rain or something, but alas, nothing but blue skies and fierce, hot sun. even buggs hates to go out and walk in the 115° temperatures.

anyway, this is what we witnessed first thing this morning…

IMG_20170625_062517_311

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good morning…

air conditioner…

loud, noisy contraption…

drowning out the sound…

of my happy birds…

proudly caring for…

their newly hatched offspring…

who cry ferociously…

when one of their parents…

arrives back at the nest…

carrying their breakfast…

in mommy or daddy’s beak…

with a voracious hunger…

they open up and receive what is…

so diligently and lovingly provided…

by one or both parents…

satisfied only momentarily…

the vicious circle, cycles on…

all the while, the sun is peaking…

through the trees…

until a ray reaches the nest…

illuminating its’ contents…

“good morning,” they shriek.

good morning…

…this is how things looked, when buggs and i went out for our first walk.

…in my opinion, it looked very strange, but this is the desert and the desert is weird.

…i still don’t know exactly what i’m looking at, when i see it…weatherwise.

…quite honestly, i don’t plan on being here long enough to have that info saturate me.

…it didn’t take long, before my super-smartphone began to squeal. 

…high wind and dust alert for clark county, nevada, sustained gusts up to 65 mph. 

…there you have it. that explains that. now, i’m just waiting for the fury to unleash. 

chicken shit…

…october 1, 2016. i brought a tiny, shivering, scared dog back to the apartment.

after what had happened with gunther…he ate moldy lasagna out of the trash, while we weren’t paying attention.

and, that was the beginning of the end for him. the toxins from the mold interacted with his neurological system.

the mold nearly killed him and left him with tremors, and the propensity to have seizures. those were terrifying.

he had the first one outside on the deck. i was doing laundry and watching him be silly. the next minute he was flopping. 

my baby, was flopping around, i dropped everything. he had stopped breathing. i got down on my hands and knees. 

i pulled his tongue out to one side and held his mouth shut. then i sealed my mouth over his nose and began breathing in.

it was terrifying to see my boy lying there, so lifelessly. it seemed like a very long time, but suddenly his eyes popped open.

he gave me a “what the fuck, mom,” kind of look and bolted up to his feet. seizures like these, became common place.

all because of some moldy, fucking, human food that i put into the trash, didn’t take it out, and left it unattended. it was my fault.

i learned my lesson. i vowed never to feed my dogs anything other than an occasional “pizza bone,” but no human food.

when i brought buggs into the apartment, that was all i asked…one simple rule. that’s what dog treats are for after all.

that was my boundary. i watched my boundary be ignored, laughed at, and challenged, until i blew up one day.

i tried to explain my point of view, that i had poisoned one dog and wasn’t going to let it happen again. 

i also didn’t want him to get fat. my concerns were invalidated, because everyone else knew better than me. 

i said only give him a treat, if you are training him, make him work for it. well, it went from treats back to food.

buggs and i went to iowa, and i talked to m****a, and i took him completely off of human food. there was no begging.

he absolutely knew that he was getting nothing and ignored all eating by humans. he learned and was doing fantastically. 

until, i brought him back into the apartment. i explained what buggs and i had worked hard to do.

richard laughed dismissively and told me, “well, that ain’t happenin’ here. nobody’s stopping me from spoiling my boy.”

i was pissed and hurt, and i knew that all of our hard work was going to go in the garbage. and of course, it did.

he has been being fed large quantities of dark meat chicken, which gives him horrible gas and is too rich for him…

…in my “misinformed” opinion. last night, there was once again dark meat chicken. i really, really, really appreciate being fed.

however, i won’t gnaw anything from a bone, it disgusts me on many levels. buggs was being given chicken skin and fat.

i did something really bad and against my nature. i tried to pick a bit of chicken off with a fork and eat it. i ate a little bit. 

however, looking at where it came from disgusted me. i couldn’t eat anymore and didn’t want to waste it, as it was a life.

there was very little left, maybe two small bites. buggs knows that i never give him anything, but gladly ate the two bites.

i knew that when we went to bed last night, he had eaten more than the two bites that i gave him. he was terribly gassy.

he was also passed out. at 5 am, he began digging at my “unicorn” (cpap mask). i knew that he had to poop, out we ran.

he did endless “poop circles” and pooped. we went back to bed. at 8 am, he began digging at my “unicorn” again.

i took him out. we walked. he “poop circled” and squatted, but someone walked by and distracted him. 

we walked and walked. he did that two more times. we walked more. he was finally getting ready to go…

…and j***y and w***y walked by. he decided that he was done and walked me back to the apartment. i was mad.

not at him, it’s not his fault. i was mad at all who filled him full of chicken, skin, fat, and broth…everybody, especially myself.

you see, i actually do know what i’m talking about, when it comes to dogs eating human food…surprise-surprise!!

and, i knew that it was only a matter of time. sure enough, as i sat drinking my coffee on the patio…

…and, waiting for the other shoe to drop…it did…within seven minutes. j***y came running out to tell me the news.

she said that buggs had diarrhea and was shitting all over my bedroom carpet. i told her that i would be there when i was done.

well, i spent about a half an hour cleaning up liquid, chicken shit, while j***y pointed out spots and stood behind me…

…spraying air freshener. she was very helpful. she also let me know that i would need to use the carpet cleaner…

…after richard woke up. i guess what bugged me the most, was hearing, “buggs, you’re a bad dog, a very bad dog.”

and all i could think was, “kw, you’re a very bad dog owner for breaking your own god damned rule and not enforcing it.”

and there i was at about 9 am, on my hands and knees scrubbing up chicken shit. all the while, feeling like a little…

…punk-ass, pussy…”chicken shit,” for being incapable of enforcing my own rules and boundaries. and that, feels the worst of all. 

this morning…

…buggs and i were up with the birds…quite literally. there was a pair singing very wholehearted and enthusiastically right outside of our open window early this morning.

we decided that since we really weren’t sleeping, we should investigate. we went outside and spied the happy couple “canoodling” in the tree outside. one began a song and the other finished it. 

they appeared to be so happy and full of joy. their songs were so beautiful and they were singing for each other. they actually completed one another…one another’s songs anyway.

as we watched and listened, i thought about my mom, and how much she loved her songbirds. i’m relatively sure that she came back as one and wondered if the female happened to be her.

and i thought, “wouldn’t that be so nice for her to have finally found another that would not only let her sing, but that would also sing with her and to her.” that thought filled me with joy.

i noticed that the pair were being very active while they sang and it took me a while to figure out, that they were actually working on building a nest. spring is here and they were preparing. 

this is what the dawning of a brand day looked like, here this morning. it was quite breathtaking in a cloudy way. buggs and i took it all in, and took a nice long walk. good morning, all…

wake up, wake up…

years ago, when i was with kelly, i bought her this alarm clock that she talked about, everytime we delivered papers to the asian food market. funny enough, i surprised her with it on valentine’s day and when she saw it, her face lit up and she was just thrilled.

the alarm clock was a throwback to our beloved, childhood, saturday morning cartoons. the cartoon itself was called “dastardly and muttley in their flying machines.” it featured a guy named dastardly and his giggling, canine sidekick muttley. anyway, kelly loved muttley and loved the clock.

i remember that we were going to go for dinner and a night out, so, she hurriedly placed muttley on her nightstand, set the time for the alarm…two am (back then we had a single copy newspaper distributorship, servicing and collecting from stores and racks…a seven day a week business.) and we left.

we came back later, got in bed, and she knew that she had already set the alarm, so, there was no monkeying around with that. i think that we went to bed around midnight (we usually slept for two hours at night, returned home around five, ate breakfast burritos from muchas gracias, and slept from about six am until noon.).

i remember being in a deep, glorious slumber, when all of the sudden…i was jarred from my sleep by some “otherworldly” voice…that started off barking to the tune of, “how much is that doggie in the window,” then shifted to a dry-hoarse unmistakable giggle, to an endless chant of, “wake-up, wake-up…wake-up, wake-up…wake-up, wake-up…”

it wouldn’t stop and it just kept getting louder and louder, until kelly figured out where to slap him, on top of his head, to silence him. once she finally silenced him, i looked at her…in a probably very crazy-eyed manner and said, “that thing’s got to go…”

to make a very long story shorter, muttley got to stay, and he got us out of bed for years. and then one day, muttley died…that was a sad day, as we were three hours late with our newspapers. that very morning, as i delivered to that same asian market, i looked in the glass case, and i saw another muttley. i knew that we had to have him, so, out of the glass case he came.

this looks like our muttley, but ours yelled, “wake-up, wake-up,” at the end. 

a clip from “dastardly and muttley in their flying machines.”

i really don’t know what became of muttley after i left, but he was quite a character. i was up at five again this morning. buggs and i went on our pre-dawn walk. i had my coffee in a yellow m & m’s mug. i fed buggs and took my coffee outside to the patio. jenny came out and joined me. we talked for a bit. i took a couple of silly photos and then, i excused myself, because i was going to try to go back to bed.

this morning’s mug
fresh, hot, black coffee
cheers
bedhead, cpap head actually

anyway, today is already a beautiful day. i’m going to go out today and make the absolute most of it. i’m going to go to work. i’m going to take buggs to the dog park and walk laps. but most of all, i’m going to be kind and gentle to/with myself. i’m going to use my tools and i’m going to be just fine.