our second journey, part nine…gig harbor…

i never really was aware that i was a slow eater. my mom always used to tell me that i was a fast eater and just gobbled my food without tasting it. so, i really don’t know if eating slowly is a new thing of like the last five years or not. i just know that when it’s just me and i’m on my own meter, it’s fine to take an extraordinarily long time, but when i’m with someone it has begun to make me feel really uncomfortable.

we continued talking as i ate, but with each bite i began to feel more and more guilty for wasting two hours of my friends time. i began to overanalyze everything. it was nothing that my friend did or said. this was all on me, my problem, my discomfort, and my guilt. i felt badly like i was keeping my friend for the things that she not only needed to do, but her sick dog, luna…whom i knew she was really worried about.

i couldn’t think of what a “normal, socially acceptable” person would say, instead, i said something that i realize now (after going back and reading through past email) that i had done before (but in a really yucky way). instead of asking, if she needed to go. i dismissed her…not just once, but a few times. without thinking about what it meant, how it felt to hear it, or remembering that doing so could be a trigger…i said,”you know you can leave. you don’t have to wait for me.”

the first time was met with,”no, we’re catching up.” the second time was met with,”i’m still finishing my coffee.” and the last time was met with,”look, i’m a big girl and i’ll leave when i’m ready.” it was that statement that finally got my attention. i realized that i wasn’t doing what i thought i had been doing, which was to communicate that i was sorry and to “let her off the hook.” instead, i was telling someone (who made a special effort on my behalf…someone whom i care about and is special to me) what to do.

i felt badly about what i had done, but wouldn’t even realize the full ramifications of what i had done, until just a few weeks ago (when i rediscovered something similar, but yuckier almost two years ago). after a few minutes, she looked at me and told me that she had to go. she got up and we hugged quickly and she was gone. buggs and i were left there with the last bite of pancake and a weird, bewildered feeling. i took some photos and we walked back to the car.

more tomorrow…

***what i rediscovered in my past email a few weeks ago, made me really sad to think back on. almost two years previously, my friend and i had a phone conversation in which neither of us wanted to get off of the phone. my friend, however, had school and homework to do. we were cute going back and forth, until i thought that i would be both “funny” and “the older person” and i said something that i will always regret. i said,”get off the fucking phone.” she did and i had a sleepless night and sick feeling in my gut. however, i was incredibly fortunate, when she called me the next day. i listened as she told me how my statement had made her feel. i told her that i knew that it was wrong the moment it came out of my mouth and i apologized with my whole heart. i never ever wanted to hurt my friend, but i did then and i think that in did in gig harbor, too. it’s probably too late now and there’s nothing that i can do to change it. the only thing i can do is own my fuck-ups, learn from them, apologize, and move forward.***

d******e, i am very sorry and owe you an apology for being dismissive and for not remembering the past and being lazy in my diligence to not repeat it. you are and always will be special to me and i let us both down. thank you for being kind to me and giving me your time and a memorable brunch.

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so, i guess that’s that…

i’m really not surprised. i knew that when someone goes from talking to you eight hours a day, to spending twenty-four hours a day with you, to sending you two text messages in a week’s time, that that was that.

she told me in iowa that she thought that she was ready for a relationship, after ending a six year marriage and filing for divorce from her wife, but that she realized that she wasn’t. she told me that she was scared and didn’t want to hurt me, because she loved me. 

she told me that we were together, but would take it slowly and continue to get to know each other, and visit back and forth. i have been doing really well giving her time and space to figure out what she really wanted to do.

i have abstained from my self-sabotaging ways and didn’t give any ultimatum’s, didn’t write any twenty page overwhelming emails, and didn’t write any kind of a “bounce” email.

i chose to believe that she would let me know if things changed, but instead she ran from me. she said that she didn’t want to have the conversation. she said that if we were going to have any kind of a future, that we would have to go back to being just friends first. 

so, i agreed to go back to just being her friend…her best friend. she also said that it would take pressure off of both of us, if we put future possibilities on hold. i have missed her and talking to her about everything, and nothing at all, so i agreed to it, as i do want her in my life, in some capacity. 

i’m hurting. i’m raw. i’m disappointed. i’m just really sad. i would have loved her forever and she knew it, and that scared the crap out of her…as always, all i ever wanted, was to love someone and to be loved back. i know that she loved me back, she was just scared.

she is a good person, a smart person, and a very scared person, who is just not ready for me now and quite possibly may never be. but, i took a chance because i loved her and she was worth it.

i don’t know how i manage to keep doing it, but i keep finding these fantastic women, who are emotionally unavailable. i love her regardless, as a friend, or otherwise. i really don’t have the option of anything else right now. 

so, here i am again. and here’s the thing…yesterday, it was exactly one year to the day that i received that, “time to be a unicorn, meme.” it meant a lot to me then and it means a lot to me now.

i highly doubt that the person who sent me that gem, still looks at my blog, but i am going to throw an invitation into the universe for her. if you are out there still reading this, i would love to just hear about how you are doing…as nothing more than a friend or acquaintance. it’s been a year and i have honored your request, as i always will. (sprockets111@gmail.com) 

thank you…

thank you…

eight months ago, i couldn’t walk up and down a flight of stairs, without huffing and puffing, and gasping for breath. i saw the look on your face. i felt your worry and concern, for me and my health…

today, i can walk and hike. i can move about relatively freely, unencumbered. i no longer huff and puff, struggle for each breath, or cramp up. i don’t need for anyone to go anywhere with me. i like to hike off by myself, go my own way, do my own thing. no one waits for me…

thank you…

for caring enough about me and my poor health to say something, call my attention to it, and offer me practical, easy, life-changers to help me, to help myself. i have continued down that road of healthy nutrition, coupled with exercise, to promote weight loss and to boost endurance…

having utilized those ideas, for becoming a health warrior, i am living proof that with the right information and suggestions, coupled with true desire for life change, anything is possible…

thank you…

for being a role model. for showing me what a healthy, independent, confident, caring, compassionate, feeling, playful, inquisitive, strong-minded woman of substance looks like…

because for as mentally and emotionally aware that i thought that i was, i wasn’t quite there yet. i definitely needed to work on some things. i needed to move away from my source of fear and self-doubt. i needed to spend a lot of time and effort, focusing on myself, to heal, to grow, and to thrive…

so, thank you…

i hope that…

you are happy, well, and smiling…

life has rewarded you abundantly…

with love, laughter, and connection…

a new career, a new life, in a new place…

where adventure and curious wonders abound…

your life is balanced, and grounded…

that you can rest, relax, and just be in the moment…

that you can put down the phone, and the laptop, and just meditate…

that you have learned, grown, and changed for the best…

never compromised your spirit, fire, or stubbornness, for anyone or anything…

and continue to put your time, effort, and love, into being a great mom…

you keep moving forward, onward, and upward towards your goals…

that you never give up, give in, or settle for anything other than kismet…

 

update: molly the octopus…

since so many people have been asking me…molly the octopus…is alive and well…she’s been kicking back, in san diego…with her special friend, juniper…finishing up their last day together for a while…they will re-emerge from hiatus, on monday 06/06/16…thank you to all of my friends, and followers, for your continued interest, encouragement, and support…the first book in the series…will be printed, in the very near future…i will keep everyone posted.

thank you very much from, 🐂💩 productions.

yesterday and today…

hey there, little lady…how was your day…did you run around, and play…did everything go your way…i’m glad that you’re happy, carefree, and gay…beginning your new life, running far away…

…in my heart you will always stay…unfortunately, i feel compelled to say…i will remain near the sea, drift and sway…

(…not that it matters, to anyone, but me…)

grace and her gigantic, headed friend, kristen – las vegas, nv – may 31, 2016

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neighborhood corner – las vegas, nv – june 1, 2016

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eyebrows "r" us – las vegas, nv – june 1, 2016

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7:26 pm, 100° – henderson, nv – june 1, 2016

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good on you…

i knew that it was coming, sooner or later…

i guess that, that is what happens, to all of the discards, cast offs, has beens…

honestly, i’m not stupid…i’ve smelled what’s been cooking for awhile…

it’s okay…because this experience has made me a better person…

it has pushed me to become the very best version of myself…

i know, that i did all that i could, gave all that i had, and opened myself completely, to love and possibilities…

i’m not sorry for loving you…i hope that you guys are really happy…

that’s all i ever wanted for you…to be happy…

you may have seen the future me, instead of the present me…

i think that, that’s what i did too, i saw what i wanted, so badly to see…

i saw the future version of you, as well…fully evolved, present, self-aware…

i always saw you, in that way, as d*******, and maybe you’re just not there yet…

maybe, i just saw and dreamed, of future you, d*******, when here and now, you’re…just d**…

i wish you, “love and light…,” all the best…