haha…no, i didn’t forget…

…that your birthday has come and gone with no mention from me. i had something that i had written in honor of your forty-forth birthday. however, april twenty-ninth was not a good day for me.

i woke up tired but okay at a friend’s house. i was up most of the night…first playing cards and then just not being able to sleep. it was just so hot and muggy. i talked to j**s until i finally fell asleep.

around two pm, i began feeling not quite right. i was dizzy and lightheaded. i had a very low grade fever and began sweating profusely. my friend offered me dinner and i picked at it a little bit. i ate some broccoli, a bite of potato, a roll.

then the room felt like it was spinning and i laid my head down on the table. i felt like i was going to vomit. my friend brought a big, green, deep bowl and placed it by my head. as soon as she did that, i began vomitting uncontrollably.

after about ten minutes i felt good enough to sit outside and vape and talk to j**s. i remember picking myself up off of the ground and that i hit my head. i remember walking into the bathroom to get a wet washcloth.

the feeling came over me again and i vomited uncontrollably into her bathtub. finally, i felt good enough to drive myself back to where i was staying. i went directly into the backyard and proceeded to vomit.

i remember falling and hit my head a second time. then i got up…only to repeat falling and hitting my head for the third time. i laid on my back on the concrete patio slab and vomited uncontrollably.

it would pour out with half of it streaming down my face and into my hair and ears…and the other half getting sucked back in. i was choking. finally someone came out and rolled me face down into the grass where it continued.

finally, i was able to pick myself up and someone gave me a wet washcloth and clean shirt. i was taken to the weatherford, oklahoma emergency room. i was given zofran and sent on my merry way. i was given no fluids.

i got back to where i was staying and passed out in a recliner until the evening of the next day. when i woke up every bone and muscle in my body ached. i had a horrible headache and absolutely no apetite.

i have terrible neuropathy in my feet. my meds don’t seem to help much anymore. i saw an ad for cbd oil and thought that i might be able to use something natural to help with the awful pain that i feel.

i vaped the cbd oil. initially, it seemed to help…but apparently that was the culprit that made me so sick. it interfered with how things were metabolized in my liver and kept me from making you a birthday post.

so, i didn’t forget!! i thought of you often throughout your day and celebrated you in my mind and in my heart. i hope that you enjoyed a wonderful day surrounded by family and friends. You deserve the very best that life has to offer.

happy belated birthday…to you…

 

 

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our second journey, part ten…gig harbor, wa…

brunch was over and my friend was gone and that was that. i reached into my pocket and felt something familiar. it was the art project that i so happily created for her the valentine’s day before last…so 2016.

the paper was very soft and delicate. the project was tie dyed hearts of different sizes and colors made from coffee filters. it was a throw back or homage to our texting valentine’s day “date.” we imagined the date and “talked” about it.

it all started because she was talking about how times used to be. she waxed nostalgic about handmade paper valentines and kids having boxes to receive them in. she had me imagine finding a very particular valentine.

it was a handmade paper heart…decorated with yarn and ribbon and sparkly glitter. i “opened” it and it said, “will you be my valentine?” it had three words with three boxes inside. the words were yes, no, or maybe so.

i imagined the card and how special and honored i would feel to have received it. i was instructed to check the appropriate box and give it back to her. i thought about it for a moment and then wholeheartedly checked “yes.”

so anyway, three of the nine hearts that i made had words on them “yes,” “no,” and “maybe so.” all of them traveled with me from montana to nevada to gig harbor…across the country to niagara falls (the site of jim and pam’s wedding).

i felt those hearts that were carefully folded up in my pocket. i brought them with me to give to her. i made them for her and thought that she should have them. not as anything other than a purely platonic gift.

however, i held back…something stopped me. i didn’t know what it was at the time or even for months later. a few days ago it occurred to me that those hearts are now a part of me. i didn’t give them away because they’re mine.

they are mine. i have carried them with me. they are a part of me. this journey has changed me profoundly. they belong to me and i will choose “yes” everytime now. i choose myself…my own lovely, kind, remarkable heart.

more tomorrow…

our second journey, part nine…gig harbor…

i never really was aware that i was a slow eater. my mom always used to tell me that i was a fast eater and just gobbled my food without tasting it. so, i really don’t know if eating slowly is a new thing of like the last five years or not. i just know that when it’s just me and i’m on my own meter, it’s fine to take an extraordinarily long time, but when i’m with someone it has begun to make me feel really uncomfortable.

we continued talking as i ate, but with each bite i began to feel more and more guilty for wasting two hours of my friends time. i began to overanalyze everything. it was nothing that my friend did or said. this was all on me, my problem, my discomfort, and my guilt. i felt badly like i was keeping my friend for the things that she not only needed to do, but her sick dog, luna…whom i knew she was really worried about.

i couldn’t think of what a “normal, socially acceptable” person would say, instead, i said something that i realize now (after going back and reading through past email) that i had done before (but in a really yucky way). instead of asking, if she needed to go. i dismissed her…not just once, but a few times. without thinking about what it meant, how it felt to hear it, or remembering that doing so could be a trigger…i said,”you know you can leave. you don’t have to wait for me.”

the first time was met with,”no, we’re catching up.” the second time was met with,”i’m still finishing my coffee.” and the last time was met with,”look, i’m a big girl and i’ll leave when i’m ready.” it was that statement that finally got my attention. i realized that i wasn’t doing what i thought i had been doing, which was to communicate that i was sorry and to “let her off the hook.” instead, i was telling someone (who made a special effort on my behalf…someone whom i care about and is special to me) what to do.

i felt badly about what i had done, but wouldn’t even realize the full ramifications of what i had done, until just a few weeks ago (when i rediscovered something similar, but yuckier almost two years ago). after a few minutes, she looked at me and told me that she had to go. she got up and we hugged quickly and she was gone. buggs and i were left there with the last bite of pancake and a weird, bewildered feeling. i took some photos and we walked back to the car.

more tomorrow…

***what i rediscovered in my past email a few weeks ago, made me really sad to think back on. almost two years previously, my friend and i had a phone conversation in which neither of us wanted to get off of the phone. my friend, however, had school and homework to do. we were cute going back and forth, until i thought that i would be both “funny” and “the older person” and i said something that i will always regret. i said,”get off the fucking phone.” she did and i had a sleepless night and sick feeling in my gut. however, i was incredibly fortunate, when she called me the next day. i listened as she told me how my statement had made her feel. i told her that i knew that it was wrong the moment it came out of my mouth and i apologized with my whole heart. i never ever wanted to hurt my friend, but i did then and i think that in did in gig harbor, too. it’s probably too late now and there’s nothing that i can do to change it. the only thing i can do is own my fuck-ups, learn from them, apologize, and move forward.***

d******e, i am very sorry and owe you an apology for being dismissive and for not remembering the past and being lazy in my diligence to not repeat it. you are and always will be special to me and i let us both down. thank you for being kind to me and giving me your time and a memorable brunch.

so, i guess that’s that…

i’m really not surprised. i knew that when someone goes from talking to you eight hours a day, to spending twenty-four hours a day with you, to sending you two text messages in a week’s time, that that was that.

she told me in iowa that she thought that she was ready for a relationship, after ending a six year marriage and filing for divorce from her wife, but that she realized that she wasn’t. she told me that she was scared and didn’t want to hurt me, because she loved me. 

she told me that we were together, but would take it slowly and continue to get to know each other, and visit back and forth. i have been doing really well giving her time and space to figure out what she really wanted to do.

i have abstained from my self-sabotaging ways and didn’t give any ultimatum’s, didn’t write any twenty page overwhelming emails, and didn’t write any kind of a “bounce” email.

i chose to believe that she would let me know if things changed, but instead she ran from me. she said that she didn’t want to have the conversation. she said that if we were going to have any kind of a future, that we would have to go back to being just friends first. 

so, i agreed to go back to just being her friend…her best friend. she also said that it would take pressure off of both of us, if we put future possibilities on hold. i have missed her and talking to her about everything, and nothing at all, so i agreed to it, as i do want her in my life, in some capacity. 

i’m hurting. i’m raw. i’m disappointed. i’m just really sad. i would have loved her forever and she knew it, and that scared the crap out of her…as always, all i ever wanted, was to love someone and to be loved back. i know that she loved me back, she was just scared.

she is a good person, a smart person, and a very scared person, who is just not ready for me now and quite possibly may never be. but, i took a chance because i loved her and she was worth it.

i don’t know how i manage to keep doing it, but i keep finding these fantastic women, who are emotionally unavailable. i love her regardless, as a friend, or otherwise. i really don’t have the option of anything else right now. 

so, here i am again. and here’s the thing…yesterday, it was exactly one year to the day that i received that, “time to be a unicorn, meme.” it meant a lot to me then and it means a lot to me now.

i highly doubt that the person who sent me that gem, still looks at my blog, but i am going to throw an invitation into the universe for her. if you are out there still reading this, i would love to just hear about how you are doing…as nothing more than a friend or acquaintance. it’s been a year and i have honored your request, as i always will. (sprockets111@gmail.com) 

thank you…

thank you…

eight months ago, i couldn’t walk up and down a flight of stairs, without huffing and puffing, and gasping for breath. i saw the look on your face. i felt your worry and concern, for me and my health…

today, i can walk and hike. i can move about relatively freely, unencumbered. i no longer huff and puff, struggle for each breath, or cramp up. i don’t need for anyone to go anywhere with me. i like to hike off by myself, go my own way, do my own thing. no one waits for me…

thank you…

for caring enough about me and my poor health to say something, call my attention to it, and offer me practical, easy, life-changers to help me, to help myself. i have continued down that road of healthy nutrition, coupled with exercise, to promote weight loss and to boost endurance…

having utilized those ideas, for becoming a health warrior, i am living proof that with the right information and suggestions, coupled with true desire for life change, anything is possible…

thank you…

for being a role model. for showing me what a healthy, independent, confident, caring, compassionate, feeling, playful, inquisitive, strong-minded woman of substance looks like…

because for as mentally and emotionally aware that i thought that i was, i wasn’t quite there yet. i definitely needed to work on some things. i needed to move away from my source of fear and self-doubt. i needed to spend a lot of time and effort, focusing on myself, to heal, to grow, and to thrive…

so, thank you…

i hope that…

you are happy, well, and smiling…

life has rewarded you abundantly…

with love, laughter, and connection…

a new career, a new life, in a new place…

where adventure and curious wonders abound…

your life is balanced, and grounded…

that you can rest, relax, and just be in the moment…

that you can put down the phone, and the laptop, and just meditate…

that you have learned, grown, and changed for the best…

never compromised your spirit, fire, or stubbornness, for anyone or anything…

and continue to put your time, effort, and love, into being a great mom…

you keep moving forward, onward, and upward towards your goals…

that you never give up, give in, or settle for anything other than kismet…

 

update: molly the octopus…

since so many people have been asking me…molly the octopus…is alive and well…she’s been kicking back, in san diego…with her special friend, juniper…finishing up their last day together for a while…they will re-emerge from hiatus, on monday 06/06/16…thank you to all of my friends, and followers, for your continued interest, encouragement, and support…the first book in the series…will be printed, in the very near future…i will keep everyone posted.

thank you very much from, 🐂💩 productions.