vsw part four…

…so, i’ve been working on focus and becoming very focused on my goal of getting a home on the beach in washington state…my home. i’m focused on making the money that i need and clearing up loose ends here. focus will always be an ongoing struggle and visualization for me.

i’ve begun visualizing something else lately, as well. i’ve been visualizing physical fitness. yes, i’ve lost an enormous amount of weight, but i’ve still got half more to go to reach my goal weight. i’m a work in progress. ha-ha…if i ever make it off of “restriction,” whomever is just going to have to understand that i’m fluid, right now a “shape shifter.”

it’s been nice for me to have j**s to talk to about these things. she’s never been heavy or overweight, but she’s a nurse and deals with all kinds of shapes, sizes and body types. she’s seen all kinds of things and has been very helpful, giving me insightful hints and ideas for maximizing my workouts specifically for each problematic part of my body.

i’m an honest person. for the most part, i tell it like it is. however, i’ve never sat down with anyone before and honestly talked about weight, cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin, etc. j**s did an exercise with me. she had me close my eyes and visualize each part of my body that was problematic and i wanted to change.

i began with my double chin, although way smaller, it’s still there. i pictured it in my mind’s eye. i held the image for quite a while, looking at it from all angles. then with my eyes still closed, she had me visualize how i wanted my chin to look when i’ve attained my physical fitness goals. it was pretty similar to now, except for a little less fatty deposit.

we went through every part of my body. i visualized how it was now and how i wanted it to look when i had attained my physical fitness goal. mind you, this was not in person, but had the same effect. it was incredibly powerful to let go of the body shame, to deal honestly with my own imperfections, and incredibly motivating to see all that i will be.

that night, i was pleasantly surprised when i received a text message that just said, “bike?” i knew what that meant and i headed to the gym. we were riding our exercise bikes together. i can’t text and exercise, but received encouraging messages every so often. it was really fun to have someone to work with and encourage me.

next text, “hydrate!” followed by, “easy core workout for you.” so, when all was said and done, we had done 60 minutes of cardio and i did an easy core circuit workout, because i don’t know any test results yet and don’t want to push myself too hard. afterwards, it was really nice to hear that i was doing a great job and would achieve my goals.

it’s nice to have a person who is strictly a friend want to see me succeed and want to help to push me to be my absolute best. which is incredibly ironic, because i have another friend, the original motivator and inspiration for my healthy change. and that friend, she’s the one who changed my life for the best.

she’s the sage woman that encouraged me to begin visualizing all of my wants, dreams, desires, goals…say them out loud…and then, write about them. this has been really enlightening and helpful advice. i feel like it has already helped me to focus and it is helping me to attain my physical fitness goals.

i do three things before i finally go to sleep at night. i reflect on what i’m grateful for, sometimes i write about it and sometimes i don’t, but i always do it. i do a meditation. once in bed, i visualize those things that i want, dream of, desire, my goals…and as they pop into mind and i focus on them…i say them out loud.

i will have what i want. and, i’ve got this…

 

love languages…

…for some reason my therapist decided that we should talk about different “love languages.” i’m still not entirely sure why we were doing this, since i’m on “relationship restriction” and all. i’m so fucking confused by love and talk of love. quite honestly, i’m entirely clueless.

i’m full of love. i have lots of love to give…tons and tons. i give it to those that want and return it…buggs, my nephew, my nieces, my friends, my other dogs that live with my ex (cash and carly), strangers that i try to be kind to each day, even r*****d, and the girls. i even love myself now, finally after all of these years.

but, i still have this surplus…a giant surplus of love that just feels like it’s causing my heart to burst at the seams. i feel it. my heart feels full, tight, and engorged. there is so much there, none of it surface, all of it very-very deep…it’s dark blue, non-oxygenated, never released, donated, or given to another…thick, sticky, completely pure.

like i said, i feel it. it’s always there gnawing at me, reminding me, prodding me forward. this fullness in my chest makes me wonder why exactly i’m still on “restriction” and why on earth i’m still taking any of this strange approach to therapy so seriously still. the answer is that i’m not giving up on myself. i’m trying everything, until something works.

hee-hee-hee…someday my charm, wit, and love will get to someone. in the meantime, what do i do? well, i’m bidding and biding my time to make extra money to make my dreams a reality. i’m keeping an open heart and mind with these therapeutic tactics, even though i’m clearly not pleased with being treated like i’m less than…i march on.

so anyway, gary chapman wrote a book called, the five languages of love, in 1995. my therapist thought that i should take the profile test and see what my love language was. for some reason, she thought that i would learn something remarkable from discovering my “love language.” well, i guess that what i did discover was pretty surprising to me.

the following are taken directly from the website, but these are the five languages of love and their descriptions:

physical touch: “this language isn’t all about the bedroom. a person whose primary language is physical touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.”

quality time: “in the vernacular of quality time, nothing says, “i love you,” like full, undivided attention. being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the tv off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.”

words of affirmation: “actions don’t always speak louder than words. if this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. hearing the words, “i love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.”

acts of service: “can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? absolutely! anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “acts of service” person will speak volumes. the words he or she most want to hear: “let me do that for you.” laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.”

receiving gifts: “don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. if you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. a missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.”

okay, so i took the profile test, which if you’re interested in taking it, i’ve provided the link. the results of my profile test revealed the following score: 11 physical touch, 8 quality time, 8 words of affirmation, 2 acts of service, and 1 receiving gifts. so, for anyone keeping score…apparently, my love language is physical touch. i never knew that before.

apparently, i do best with physical touch and intimacy. i like to feel connection to my partner. of course, i also like quality time and words of affirmation, both make me feel loved and appreciated. i’m not big on receiving material gifts. i’m more into receiving gifts of love and gifts of the heart…that’s what matters to me.

 

august 14, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…waking up at my new normal time 0400. getting a really good walk in with buggs. making sure that i got sixty minutes of cardio in, since i still haven’t been cleared to go back to my circuit workouts yet…

…three cups of black coffee enjoyed at my desk while i worked on finishing something important. i was nice and made sure to leave r*****d a cup, even though he didn’t even get up until after 1630…

…having such a nice new desktop to work on, while listening to music with my headphones, and sitting in my “new to me” chair that j***y passed on to me. it is so much more comfortable under my ass than the hard wood, kitchen table chair that i used to sit on. it hurt my bum and made both legs go completely numb, so this whole new set-up is awesome…

…finally pulling all of the pieces that i’ve been writing, deleting, and starting to write all over again…together in one place to make something that hopefully made sense, didn’t overwhelm, and wasn’t weird…but, while i’m glad that i’ve finished finally…i know that i probably could have made it more concise…

…peace and quiet, since r*****d slept for most of the day. it is always so nice for me to be able to hear myself think…to not have fox news blaring, or the phrase, “and death,” bellowed over and over again…

…my fantasy football drafts, to keep my mind off of heavier things. i have five teams and i am entirely ready to dominate my leagues…and yes, i am an absolute nerd…

…the silly text messages that just made me laugh…

my mind is quiet. my body is healing my heart is full.

namaste.

d******e…

…okay, there is a private post from july 12, 2017. that is half of what i have been trying to write. it’s nothing great or special, just part of what i’ve been trying to write. i’m so sorry that it has taken me so long…it doesn’t mean that i don’t care…because i do!!

…okay, so the password is the name of the larger of your two dogs. Starts with a capital letter…the rest are lower case. the email will be sent shortly.

this is the link to the private post from july 12, 2017.

random…

…so, here’s the rest of what i’ve got photographywise for this sunday. i’m people watching again and here are some shots from starbucks and the omelette house. and, the odd two out of course is me…me and my bottlecap and my cup of coffee this morning.

clouds…

…i’m fascinated by them…always have been. i’ve always been able to watch them for hours, as they move around the sky…shifting and morphing into other shapes…merging and disconnecting with others…changing color…and, swelling with raindrops.

pre-dawn…

…not night…

…but, not quite day yet…

…not cool…

…but, not quite hot yet…

…not loud…

…but, certainly not quiet…

…not busy…

…but, not sparsely populated…

…it’s predawn…

…the moment, the point…

…where night and day…

…split apart and separate…