vsw = visualizing what i want. speaking what it is that i want out loud. writing about it afterwards.
a very sage woman’s advice, that i fully intend to commit myself to, as she reminded me that “i’ve got this.” i’m grateful for her words, advice, and encouragement.
day one – focus
i’ve clearly been distracted, scattered, and not my usual dedicated and prolific-writer self. i’ve hit some roadblocks, gotten stuck, and been paralyzed by fear.
this distraction has kept me from doing even the simplest of tasks. an important response to a friend which i’ve written and rewritten at least a dozen times is at the very least four or five weeks overdue.
photographs that i took at the end of april, when my friend l***a was here, are still sitting in a folder…untouched. they have been sitting there being forgotten, because i got sidetracked.
there are many causes for these distractions: health concerns, increased cardio and workouts, lack of sleep, being psyched out by my therapist, r*****d, work, buying a car, friends, and plain, old fear.
so, here i am today visualizing or trying to visualize focus. i think to myself, “what exactly does focus look like?” two things pop into my mind pretty much instantaneously.
the first thing is going on a visit to an opthamologist or optometrist’s office. i sit in that funny looking chair in a dimly lit room. the doctor arrives and takes his place on a rolling stool in front of me. he pulls a giant, metal do-hickey up to my face and has me lean forward into it. my eyes match up to two lens areas. the doctor turns on a projector and letters appear on the wall. rows and rows of letters going from bigger to smaller. the doctor asks me to focus on the letters and begins moving lenses around. he says, “focus on the smallest line of letters that you can read and read them out loud.” i do so. he says, “focus on those same letters and tell me which is clearer…option a or b.” and, i focus and i’m kind of in a trance of only focus…trying to make my eyesight as clear and sharp as possible. i continue to focus, entranced, “a or b, b or a?” finally, my appointment is over, but i know that i was able to focus and get the best optical option for me.
the second thing is working in the darkroom…developing, enlarging, and printing “real” film photography. the darkroom is very dimly lit. it’s like a cave…dark, quiet, cool, and full of magic and inspiration. i allow my eyes to focus, i can see and work in the dark. i put my negative into the negative carrier, emulsion side down. i use the grain focuser to focus the grain of my print before exposing it to light. this is the point at which the light source joins together the negative and the paper…in a magical process. this seemingly blank piece of photo paper is then placed into emulsion. i focus my eyes and watch as the magic happens. right in front of me appear figures, shapes, and people…where there were none before. i fix the image and wash my print. i squeegee the excess water and put it in the dryer.
those are the visualizations that i used when focusing on “focus.” i saw it. i was in the scene. i was doing it. through those scenarios, i was able to achieve focus. now, i need to stay focused. but, if i do get distracted or stuck, in the future…i can return to these visualizations. i said, “focus” out loud, nine times, as nine is my perfect number, and i have written about this whole “vsw” process.
focus is mine…