this is the excerpt from an email that i talked about in my last post. it’s a bit dark and disturbing, but waking up and seeing it, prompted action:
so, this began as complete truth, just conveying my truth of last night and this morning and somewhere along the way…i must’ve fallen asleep. i woke up to this. it must be my subconcious trying to get my attention. i’m going to take those pills out of the box right now.
you told me to share…
i don’t think that i can continue to take remeron. it knocks me out cold like a corpse at night and i don’t like it, because nighttime and early morning are my times…that’s when i feel inspired…i’m completely alone with my angels and my demons…it’s quiet, no yelling, no arguments, no repetitive old stories.
you see i just woke up and was finally able to extricate myself from my bed. poor buggs needed to potty and was completely without food and famished. he looked at me with his haunting orange eyes and i felt like maybe he was very confused, as i was.
hahaha…my leg bothers me less than the sleep thing…and my leg keeps oozing like yours did, but i’m wearing shorts and i don’t give a shit if it runs down my leg and into my socks…or if i sit outside and the flies land on it and lay eggs in it. because then, i will have a reason to cut away one of the nasty rotten parts of me…scoop it out…and cauterize…close the area up…make it tough, an eventual scar…developing a thicker skin…i will have helped myself along in the growth process.
an act of penance. i would be punishing the body that’s failed me…that allowed my demons to win, take over, and run amok. holding my spirit captive and rendering her unable to move about freely and at will. i would be exacting retribution, taking my pound of flesh. after all, vengeance would be mine, as i am lord of this rotting body…this shell, this costume, this mask, this disguise…this disgusting and pathetic incarnation.