my disappearance…

…as i’ve shared, i was recently put on a brand new antidepressant called remeron. my mind and body did not adjust well to it. the fact is that it messed up my sleep, wakefulness, awareness, perceptions, emotions, moods, attitudes, speech, understanding, and writing.

it was rather terrifying at points to feel like i was “being held” a prisoner of my mind again, like when i was on morphine and over medicated when i lived with s***h. once again, i wasn’t able to fully function, i either slept or performed tasks in my semi-sleep-state. i stumbled and fell down a lot, like at the dog park. i was able to write, it would start out normal, but then would take a weird or sometimes very dark turn. i worried that nothing would pull me out of my “prison.” i began feeling a bit hopless and depressed. i made a decision to stop taking the medication, but it took a week for me to remember to take it out of my pill box and during that week, i took it accidentally…realizing only after it was too late.

finally, after writing something that started out so much like me and completely innocuous…i looked down from whatever i was doing and saw something very dark and a little disturbing, and it appeared to me, as if my subconscious mind took over in the hopes of shocking the conscious mind into taking action, in the form of the removal of the pills from the box.

that was the first step, of course, i had to allow the stuff to exit my system before i could feel completely back to myself again. to help speed up the process, one of my friends, who’s been helping me to get to my next fitness goal of actually being fit, suggested that i kick up my workouts a few notches, so, have been doing 60 minutes of cardio everyday and a circuit workout focusing on one particular area of the body. these things physically exhaust me and make me naturally tired.

i began writing again a few days ago. i started in on the writing that i’ve been struggling with and actually made a huge breakthrough. i found that if i pretended like it was a post, it removed the immediate second guessing and doubt. it gave me “permission” to be me without worrying about being or saying anything weird. this particular breakthrough allowed me to see things from different perspectives that i hadn’t before. i am very pleased with what i have and am nearly done. this will not be a post, posting was utilized as a tool.

the medicine is still leaving me system. i’m not feeling completely back to me yet, but soon…very soon. i will be making a post later after this one. it’s going to be the email that i referenced earlier in this post…the one that jolted me into taking the pills from my box. i warn that it is a little dark and twisted.


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