my minerva…

…when i was with, m****a, she gave names to two things of mine. she called my c-pap, “a unicorn” and she called my sleep disorder, “minerva.” for some reason, i thought that those two words captured the spirit of each of the two things. 

my c-pap fits right over my nose only and the hose juts out from there…just like the horn of a unicorn, although not nearly as sharp and pointy…also, not as cool or sexy…oh to be a real unicorn…because being a person, is way too complicated.

the term or rather, name “minerva,” reminds me of someone who might have been on the show, “bewitched.” someone “witchy” and “other worldly”…someone slightly off, maybe a bit eccentric, or just plain kooky.

when i don’t get enough recuperative sleep, my c-pap pressure isn’t high enough, or i’m just overly physically exhausted…i can go “into full blown minerva,” as m****a called it. which may entail talking funny, laughing, or doing silly things.

the other night, i watched my current netflix show, “better call saul.” on the show, there is a character named mike, he is working as muscle for a drug dealer, in exchange for cash to buy a new house for his daughter-in-law.

i fell asleep right after watching. i was really exhausted because i haven’t been able to sleep more than two hours at a time lately. at one point, i remember walking around my room looking for cash under the bed, in the closet, in my dresser.

i found my unicorn in two pieces, mask separated from hose. i got back in bed. the next thing i remember, i was sending texts…several one after another, to the same person. when i looked down, i saw what i wrote. i panicked. i tried deleting. 

i wrote, “don’t trust mike. mike is a criminal. your father-in-law is an enforcer for the drug cartel. he’s taking cash to pay for your new house. listen to me. i’m trying to help you. he’s doing this for you and his granddaughter.”

even though i saw that i sent the texts and panicked, i didn’t really know who i was or why exactly i was so panicked about sending them. i was still asleep and acting as a character from the show, who was an informant. 

i was in a state far beyond minerva, where i’d never been before. i’d never “sleep-texted” or anything like it before. i remember staring at my phone worrying. i didn’t snap out of it, until i received a few text messages from my friend.

she texted, “i think that you were sleep texting. don’t worry about a thing, i figured that it was all just a dream. if you need anything, i’m here, let me know.” that helped me to fill in the gaps and put the pieces of the puzzle back together again. 


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