a few weeks ago, i was going through quite a rough patch…i guess that i still am, to a certain degree…but, i know that i am going to be okay. my hope is my strength.

my hope is my plan, my goal, my dream. i will have what i want. i was doing awesome, well on my way, but i got sidetracked. i got baited…

my problem was what it has always been. maybe some of you have noticed that some of my blog posts have disappeared. i am not allowing myself to be censored. 

i finally understand. i fucking get it. the message has finally permeated my thick skull, “get what’s left of your stuff first.” i did not think that i was being monitored.

however, i was. i could not keep my mouth shut and began talking about something, that was part of my healing process. i spoke too soon. now, i will get, what i get.

then, and only then, will i repost those posts and continue with my healing process. i will continue to write about whatever is pertinent, or interesting to me.

my problem is what was best quoted by albert einstein – “insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”


my problem is that apparently, i’m insane. you know the peanuts comic strip, by charles schulz…i have been charlie brown, my whole, motherfucking life.

i have worn my yellow shirt with the black, up and down stripe, for 49 years. all i have ever wanted, was to kick that football. just like charlie…i have a lucy.

when i was with k***y and s***h, i did not have any lucy…luring me with platitudes, bold faced lies, false hopes, and promises of love, inclusion, and acceptance.

i actually led a “normal,” productive, exciting, relatively happy, and fulfilling life. i had my own sense of self. i had purpose. i had 20+ years of “freedom.”

i had two long-term relationships, with women who identified the problem and supported me through, the guilt, pain, and confusion of “football withdrawal.”

without lucy, i thrived! these are things that i accomplished, or helped to accomplish: bought a house, bought a truck and an suv, moved from ca to wa…

…helped run two columbian single copy newspaper businesses, was assistant distributor of oregonian, ran usa today single copy newspaper business…

…held corporate position at michael’s, framed art for galleries and museums, had 7 poems published, co-owned and ran two gallery/frame shops, got my aa degree…

…was on am northwest with world famous gunther the painting boxer dog, camped all over ca/or/wa, went to wsu-v and got my bachelor’s degree, and learned darkroom.

the point being, without lucy’s shenanigans and her presence in my life…i thrive. this was the absolute last time that i fall for your football trick, lucy.

i have taken off that god-awful yellow shirt and put on a maroon shirt, with a white kool-aid smile on it. i have something better than a football. i have self-respect.


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