emotional rescue…

my god, i love that song…for that matter i love the rolling stones. p***a and i used to play their albums on her record player. 

she introduced them to me and we used to talk about their songs in depth, while looking at fashion magazines.

i miss, p***a. she was my very best friend and my first girlfriend. she introduced me to cosmopolitan, vogue, and elle.

we’d lie on the floor and talk about models, clothes, shoes, shows, and designers. i loved fashion, the stones, and p***a.

as i think about it now. i think, “things were so easy then. i was with someone that i loved. i worked hard. and, i had money.”

i realized that my thoughts about that time period, were examples of “emotional truths.” they were highly romanticized. 

i then looked at that time period through a “factual truth” lens. and, i remembered and relived, the “factual truth.”

these things were all issues. i was underage and living in my parents house. i wasn’t out and was terrified of my parents.

they suspected something, they hated p***a, and forbid me to see her. i was threatened with homosexuals anonymous.

my dad promised, t*m l***e, that i would marry him. he was seven years older than me. i stood my ground and said, “no.”

p***a and i drifted apart. ironically, i moved out and into my own apartment, two weeks before, i was dumped.

so, my 🕵 gave me some homework recently…list five things that are symbolic of five, of my “emotional truths.”

i had a meltdown last night, because when i left her office on tuesday, i had all of the information that i needed. i understood.

but by last night, i still had all of the “pieces,” but had absolutely no idea of how they fit together, or even what they meant.

i was completely clueless, frustrated,  and embarrassed. today, we went over the differences between the two truths.

and i just sat there, looking at my therapist. i wasn’t understanding what on earth she wanted from me. i was frustrated.

she asked me what emotions were. i didn’t know. she asked me how i was feeling. and, i didn’t know that either.

she rummaged around in her desk and found a sheet full of “smiley faces,” representing different emotions/feelings.

she made me a copy and asked me to look at the faces, and read which ones corresponded to how i was feeling.

i scrutinized the faces, trying to understand and interpret them, and make connections that i could identify with.

as i looked, i got frustrated again. i don’t exactly know why, but i was just struggling to understand the differences, in the faces.

i was hard pressed and it took me quite awhile, but i eventually identified each one that i was, or had felt today…see below.

she looked at my notes from last session and came to the realization that, all of the familial drama, triggered my ptsd.

she told me that it pushed every button that i had and sent me straight into “amygdala highjack,” and no wonder…

i couldn’t think, feel, or understand. i was running purely on emotion, and not at all on logic. the following describes it:

“Under normal circumstances, you process information through your neocortex or “thinking brain” where logic occurs. The neocortex then routes the information to the amygdala, a small organ which lies deep in the center of your “emotional brain.” On occasion, there is a short circuit whereby the “thinking brain” is bypassed and signals are sent straight to the “emotional brain.” When this happens, you have an immediate, overwhelming emotional response disproportionate to the original event. The information is later relayed to higher brain regions that perform logic and decision-making processes, causing you to realize the inappropriateness of your original emotional response.” – by Neutrino 

i left therapy feeling frustrated, confused, silly, and kind of ridiculous…but hey, i’ve got a new worksheet to help me to identify emotions 😊.

my emotions throughout the day
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