pushing…

sometimes, well maybe a little more than sometimes…i feel like rolling into a tight, compact ball…rolling into the closet and just disappearing forever…becoming one with the carpet and the dust bunnies forever…that would be easier.

sometimes, i just feel like giving up and letting everyone else be right about me…letting everyone else win…giving them that victory that they apparently need so badly, so very, fucking badly…to know that they still have the power to destroy me.

sometimes, maybe even a lot of times, i don’t know anymore…i think about just how far i’ve fallen and what i’ve given up…walked away…or run from…because i allowed them to have the power over me…to poison my thoughts and my actions.

sometimes, i truly wonder why i expend the energy…why i continue to hope for the ridiculous and unattainable…why i continually open myself up to allow others to usurp…the things that they don’t possess, but that they want for themselves.

sometimes, i just truly wish…that they would just finish me off. i wish they would take that last little piece…that makes me, me…that special, precious piece…pull on it, pry it out, or surgically remove it. it’s killing me…i don’t want it…take everything.

sometimes, i just want to give it all away and feel the sense of loss, as i allow the last bit of me…to be ripped away, wasted, and tossed…feeling like that last bit of blood, of life source is leaving my body and that complete relief and release, of just letting…

…it go…quickly and quietly…and, without a fuss or big production…sneaking out just as quietly, as i snuck in…and, nobody will ever be the wiser, because you see…”i” never existed to them, as anything other than a reminder of things that they could…

…never be or achieve in their lifetime. so, to feel better about themselves, they had to devalue, disregard, and discredit me. i was their “goat,” no more and no less than that…and like in biblical times every village, needed a “goat.”

sometimes, i have to push past them and through them…just hoping to make it to the other side…the next morning, whatever the case may be. so, here i am…at 4:20 am trying to push past and through…vowing to never, ever let any of then ever win.

come hell or high water…i am going to continue pushing…until i can push no more…in the meantime, i give myself meaningful tasks to go out and do, to keep busy and to feel vital, and productive…even if they’re just exercises.

  

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