chicken shit…

…october 1, 2016. i brought a tiny, shivering, scared dog back to the apartment.

after what had happened with gunther…he ate moldy lasagna out of the trash, while we weren’t paying attention.

and, that was the beginning of the end for him. the toxins from the mold interacted with his neurological system.

the mold nearly killed him and left him with tremors, and the propensity to have seizures. those were terrifying.

he had the first one outside on the deck. i was doing laundry and watching him be silly. the next minute he was flopping. 

my baby, was flopping around, i dropped everything. he had stopped breathing. i got down on my hands and knees. 

i pulled his tongue out to one side and held his mouth shut. then i sealed my mouth over his nose and began breathing in.

it was terrifying to see my boy lying there, so lifelessly. it seemed like a very long time, but suddenly his eyes popped open.

he gave me a “what the fuck, mom,” kind of look and bolted up to his feet. seizures like these, became common place.

all because of some moldy, fucking, human food that i put into the trash, didn’t take it out, and left it unattended. it was my fault.

i learned my lesson. i vowed never to feed my dogs anything other than an occasional “pizza bone,” but no human food.

when i brought buggs into the apartment, that was all i asked…one simple rule. that’s what dog treats are for after all.

that was my boundary. i watched my boundary be ignored, laughed at, and challenged, until i blew up one day.

i tried to explain my point of view, that i had poisoned one dog and wasn’t going to let it happen again. 

i also didn’t want him to get fat. my concerns were invalidated, because everyone else knew better than me. 

i said only give him a treat, if you are training him, make him work for it. well, it went from treats back to food.

buggs and i went to iowa, and i talked to m****a, and i took him completely off of human food. there was no begging.

he absolutely knew that he was getting nothing and ignored all eating by humans. he learned and was doing fantastically. 

until, i brought him back into the apartment. i explained what buggs and i had worked hard to do.

richard laughed dismissively and told me, “well, that ain’t happenin’ here. nobody’s stopping me from spoiling my boy.”

i was pissed and hurt, and i knew that all of our hard work was going to go in the garbage. and of course, it did.

he has been being fed large quantities of dark meat chicken, which gives him horrible gas and is too rich for him…

…in my “misinformed” opinion. last night, there was once again dark meat chicken. i really, really, really appreciate being fed.

however, i won’t gnaw anything from a bone, it disgusts me on many levels. buggs was being given chicken skin and fat.

i did something really bad and against my nature. i tried to pick a bit of chicken off with a fork and eat it. i ate a little bit. 

however, looking at where it came from disgusted me. i couldn’t eat anymore and didn’t want to waste it, as it was a life.

there was very little left, maybe two small bites. buggs knows that i never give him anything, but gladly ate the two bites.

i knew that when we went to bed last night, he had eaten more than the two bites that i gave him. he was terribly gassy.

he was also passed out. at 5 am, he began digging at my “unicorn” (cpap mask). i knew that he had to poop, out we ran.

he did endless “poop circles” and pooped. we went back to bed. at 8 am, he began digging at my “unicorn” again.

i took him out. we walked. he “poop circled” and squatted, but someone walked by and distracted him. 

we walked and walked. he did that two more times. we walked more. he was finally getting ready to go…

…and j***y and w***y walked by. he decided that he was done and walked me back to the apartment. i was mad.

not at him, it’s not his fault. i was mad at all who filled him full of chicken, skin, fat, and broth…everybody, especially myself.

you see, i actually do know what i’m talking about, when it comes to dogs eating human food…surprise-surprise!!

and, i knew that it was only a matter of time. sure enough, as i sat drinking my coffee on the patio…

…and, waiting for the other shoe to drop…it did…within seven minutes. j***y came running out to tell me the news.

she said that buggs had diarrhea and was shitting all over my bedroom carpet. i told her that i would be there when i was done.

well, i spent about a half an hour cleaning up liquid, chicken shit, while j***y pointed out spots and stood behind me…

…spraying air freshener. she was very helpful. she also let me know that i would need to use the carpet cleaner…

…after richard woke up. i guess what bugged me the most, was hearing, “buggs, you’re a bad dog, a very bad dog.”

and all i could think was, “kw, you’re a very bad dog owner for breaking your own god damned rule and not enforcing it.”

and there i was at about 9 am, on my hands and knees scrubbing up chicken shit. all the while, feeling like a little…

…punk-ass, pussy…”chicken shit,” for being incapable of enforcing my own rules and boundaries. and that, feels the worst of all. 

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