awake…

…finally. i spent so many years of my life…asleep, or falling asleep. settling…to do absolutely nothing, except for sit, self-soothe with food, watch television, and cry in a basement. 

i allowed myself to become fatter and fatter…and, less and less healthy. no one expected or wanted anything from me, and neither did i. i was convinced that i was dying and was just counting the days. 

i really had nothing to live for, except for my dogs. out of 24 hours, i spent most of them asleep…or, going in and out of different stages of consciousness. i fell asleep eating and drinking.

i dropped my silverware and drinks. my kidneys failed and i became toxic. nobody…ever thought to look at my medication. nobody, until someone suggested it to me, last year.

i allowed myself to be convinced and believe that, i was helpless and could do nothing. so, i gave up and never even tried. i couldn’t wait for it all to be over…the doctors, nurses, hospital stays, and pain.

someone woke me up last year. my eyes opened up…widely, for the first time in years. i found myself wanting to do things, see things, and be things that i hadn’t thought about, wanted, or felt in years.    

at that time, i still had a problem with falling asleep constantly. i was so unhealthy, that i couldn’t even stand up and cook in the kitchen. i had to sit on a stool to cut up vegetables.

a simple task like walking up and down a flight of stairs to walk dogs or carry groceries, nearly killed me. i doubled over and huffed, and puffed…my face turned all shades of red.    

i learned a lot from that person. she was a blessing to me. she gave me targets to shoot for, to get healthy. and, she set me in motion. she inspired me to want more from myself and from my life.              

last year, i embarked on a mission. a mission for myself, to identify “me”…and, save “me.” i began by cutting out sugar and carbs. i began walking. and, i had the doctors look at and adjust my meds.

during the last year, i have lost over one hundred pounds, lost six inches off of my waist, four inches off of my chest,  and increased my overall endurance and strength, while improving my health.

i went from being sedentary to being extremely active. i walk and row everyday, several times a day. i rarely fall asleep randomly, other than the other day, or when i physically wear myself out.

then, i put myself to bed…no arguing, no insisting that i’m awake, no “minerva” (as m****a called “her”)…i realize that i need to go to bed and put myself there. that way, i always avoid, “being left behind.”

i know more about myself. i know how to take good care of myself and even love myself. this year and that person taught me a lot about “me.” i’m an example of a “health warrior.”

i’m not all the way there, but i think that i’m more than halfway. i’m not going to stop, until i reach my goal…and, i won’t even stop then, but i’ll maintain. this change is the result of a chain reaction. 

a chain reaction that began with my dad giving me my mom’s car and unsolicited “fatherly advice.” which, i allowed to blow up in my mind. then, choosing to believe his bullshit, i made myself an april fool.

i chose to pull over to write. the result was disastrous. i went in and out of consciousness (“minerva”). i wrote the bullshit that invaded my mind. i never knew how much value a “determiner” had.

i believe a part of me must have realized what i’d done, but i must’ve buried it…because i never was fully cognizant of it, until my therapist told me, in no uncertain terms that i had “bounced.”

initially, i was shocked, but then it sunk in, and i accepted what i had done…with profound sadness and regret. i fucked up. i couldn’t change what i did, but, i could change myself, so that i’d never do it again.

so, i’ve been changing myself and i’m becoming the person that i always have been, and knew that i could be. unfortunately, it took this chain reaction to stimulate action and change on my part. 

anyway, i guess that the whole point of what i was trying to say, was that she woke me the fuck up…and now i’m up…and I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING…SEE EVERYTHING…TALK TO EVERYONE!!

i want my freedom to roam, to explore, and to have adventures. it’d be great to have someone to do these things with, BUT, it’s not necessary. i can and do…do things by myself. i enjoy spending time with me.

i’m a pretty great person to spend time with. when i take a photographic expedition…generally, i roam alone. i walk into and around places that my friends won’t go to…and, i take some great photos.

sometimes…it’s like going on a safari…the city is my urban jungle and it’s street art, graffiti, tags, buildings, art, monuments, and people…are my lions, rhinos, zebras, and cheetahs. however, i harm no one.

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