…was a good day, a very good day!! i finally broke free and was able to go. it felt so good to be able to drive…fast, slow, at any pace…just to be seated behind a steering wheel, in “the cockpit,” did wonders for my spirit.
i felt alive again. i felt vital again. i felt free again. i felt like i just wanted to keep going and never return to anywhere…ever again…just keep going, just keep forging forward, just keep moving. i never wanted to be “contained,” “confined,” or “captured” again.
therapy was great. my therapist told me that she saw a lot of growth, since the last time we met nearly two weeks ago. i can’t believe that i missed three sessions, that just kills me…but, i used my time alone to think, reflect, research, experiment, take notes, make connections, and grow.
she was really surprised when i forwarded a page of sixteen things about myself that were new discoveries, or things that i researched and applied to my own self, or exercises that i turned into homework. she saw that i was becoming the change…
i left the apartment feeling great, as i had made a really shocking discovery after my shower. i realized that i never really look at myself in the mirror, because i’m fat and i know that i’m revolting. however, yesterday i happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
i saw that yes, i have sagging skin, but i noticed that my whole belly and abdomen were different…not so much convex and bulging, but rather flatter, less expansive, and jiggly. i do believe, that if i keep up with my diet and rowing, that skin will tighten, as muscles form.
as i got dressed, i noticed that my shirt hung differently on me and while, yes, i still had that ugly, sagging gut…it was smaller. i put my shorts on and they were really loose. they had fit just right at christmas, but now as i began to walk they came down, so, i had to throw on a belt.
as i got dressed, i noticed that a lot had changed and that i needed to get some new clothes…smaller unders and bras, and smaller shorts. it was kind of exciting, except for the financial part. i put on my kismet, did the best that i could with my hair, and left feeling great.
eventually, i knew that i needed to go back to the apartment, so , with heavy heart and heavy foot…i accelerated back. and i haven’t done this (falling asleep randomly) in a very long time, because my meds have been adjusted…
…but, somewhere between taking the keys out of the ignition and opening the car door…i feel asleep. i heard this really loud awful noise and realized that i was making it. i woke myself up with the sound of my own snoring.
i think that i had been so excited to leave the apartment, that i was running on adrenaline…that, and i had stayed up until after three am trying to finish the last few episodes that i had to finish up of, breaking bad...and, i just crashed right where i sat.
after i woke up, i walked back to the apartment, and richard happened to notice that my shorts were falling off, and that my shirt hung differently. he told me congratulations and that he thought that i was looking great. that was really nice and reinforced what i had been feeling
anyway, it felt really good to hear, and it was very nice of him to say so. i heard the familiar jingle of the tags on bugg’s collar and out he bounded, jumping directly into my arms. i hugged him and sat for a moment, where he took his position, being a gargoyle on my chest.
after sitting for a bit, buggs took me out for a walk. i realized that lately, he has been running, looking for the “crazy kitty” hiding in the bushes, and i have been run/walking with him. i noticed that my gut jiggled less, that i was much lighter and more agile.
i could feel my core muscles, whereas i couldn’t before. i was able to hold myself up, straight and tall, and breathe without huffing and puffing, or doubling over. i felt great and i knew that even for as much as i still have left to do…lose, tighten, strengthen…
…that for yesterday and that moment, compared with a year ago…i looked great and i knew it…other than my hair being unruly, hideous, and overgrown…i was comfortable in my own skin…i was confident…i was my best self.