i used to (conclusion part two)…

as i was saying before, people were getting drunk, obnoxious, and sloppy. they were spilling on me and pushing. and i wasn’t worried for myself, but i was worried, because my underage nephew and my partner were with me and i didn’t want either getting “manhandled” or hurt…they were my main concern, other than having a good time. 

so, if you haven’t figured it out yet, i have a real problem with alcoholics and substance abusers, in general. okay, i have a medical marijuana recommendation for my ms pain and neuropathy, but i use it so rarely, that a $10 gram lasts me for three to four months. i don’t have a problem with occasional usage, but when it’s everyday, it’s a problem.

one of my ptsd triggers is being around drunk people…the smell, the weird closeness, the sweaty body heat, and the irrational and sometimes abusive behavior, scare me and make me feel unsafe…like i’m having a fight or flight moment. anyway, the people behind us were out of control. they were ramming into us, putting their hands on us and trying to take our spots. 

i don’t like people that i don’t know touching me. if you touch me and i’m not expecting it, and i don’t know you…watch out!! i might hurt you. anyway, these people triggered the “mother tiger” in me…and, in my mind, i perceived it as a threat to my “cubs” safety. in my mind, i was protecting my “family,” from imminent danger. others might not see it that way, but i did.

and, because i interpreted the situation that way, i felt that i had to act on it. i’m a leo…a lioness…and, i’m pretty fierce, when i need to be. so, everytime those people pushed or rammed into me…i pushed them even harder, with all my might, in fact. it went back and forth, in a heated exchange, until i just turned around and sent the whole row to the floor.

when i used that last little bit of energy to shut them down for good…i shut myself down, too. as i was told, “you’re writing checks, that your body just can’t cash.” and, it was true. i crumpled to the floor, in a heap. i embarrassed myself, in front of my nephew and partner…and, i absolutely ruined the concert for myself and my partner. i think that we only heard/saw two or three songs performed.

and, i really don’t know how she did it, but my ex dragged me off of the floor, through crowds of people, and to the bar. at one point, we were going to go back and try to enjoy the show, but i collapsed going down the stairs and crumpled into a heap again. i was absolutely worthless to myself, or anyone else. at the time, i didn’t yet know it, but i was having a full blown ms flare.

i guess i thought that i should give some background, as to what one of my last times going to a concert looked like physically for me. since that time, there was weight gain, severe neglect of self, and an overwhelming sense of giving up…until may 2015, when my mom died and things began to shift, but the real shift and change began in april 2016, when someone cared enough to set me straight.

***stopping right there, until later.***


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