blood makes noise (the concise version)…

“…it’s a ringing in my ears….”

i remember the first time that i heard, that suzanne vega “oldie.” i had two friends over to my apartment. we were hanging out and one of them brought some weed out. smoking weed wasn’t something that i wanted done in my apartment. i was really worried about being evicted because someone might’ve turned me in.

i made a bad decision to smoke some, thinking that i would relax, but i didn’t. i had a panic attack, began “melting,” sweating profusely, and stripped my clothes off. i locked myself in the bathroom with the fan and a spray bottle. i laid inside of the empty tub, spraying mist into the fan, and letting it blow back onto me.

my friend put some of my cds on and suzanne vega’s, 99.9 fahrenheit degrees, was one of them. i laid there trying to cool down and make myself feel better. i felt weird, like i could hear my own heart beat inside of my head. the song came on and i felt like it was talking about the exact symptoms that i was experiencing. the experience freaked me out.

in 2015, i was talking to my dad in his living room and i heard, what i thought was a “pop” inside my head. afterwards, the hearing in my right ear diminished and i was left with a constant loud “roaring” sound. i was talking to a schizophrenic woman, at the time, and she told me that a lot of people that develop the same problem, end up killing themselves.

the problem is that even if your hearing was gone, you would still “hear” it. that’s what drives people to become suicidal. (i’m not suicidal.) i’ve gone to specialty ear doctors, ents, and audiologists. i’ve been told that i’m nearly deaf in my right ear, but there’s nothing physically wrong with my ear, my ear drum, or any of the nerves in the area.

my neurologist performed ct scans and mris, but there were no lesions anywhere in my brain. it was clean. no plaque. no scarring. no evidence of stroke. no vasculitis. last october, i was sitting outside and i heard the same kind of “pop.” afterwards, my hearing was even further diminished and the “roaring” was amplified.

i went to specialists and had scans done again. everything turned out completely clean and unremarkable. the only thing that changed was the hearing in my right ear. the audiologist told me that he would recommend a hearing aid, but that my insurance wouldn’t cover only one ear. insurance only kicks in when you’re deaf in both ears.

before i went to iowa, i told m****a about the “roaring” and the deafness. i was kind of excited when she told me that she would take a look herself. i mean, she was practically a doctor and all. she had all of her own doctors tools and instruments, in a neat kit. she was a coroner, after all, at least that’s what she said.

toward the end of my visit, she noticed how much the deafness affected me and offered to take a look. she got out her doctors kit and i was really impressed. i thought that maybe she could help me, since no one else had been able to. she instructed me to lie on my left side, stop talking, and to be absolutely still.

she was looking with a lighted instrument and poking around with a big pair of forceps. at one point, she got pretty excited and told me that she thought that she knew what was going on. she told me that she thought that i had a big strip of linen, a leftover from an ear candle attached to a part of my ear. she told me that she was going to try to remove it.

i told her to, “go for it.” and, she went for it. she pulled and poked, and it wasn’t too bad. i’m a great patient and i’ve been through some very painful procedures (like lumbar punctures and bone marrow biopsies). i was uncomfortable, but fine and then there was nothing but piercing, sharp pain, and i could feel a wet fullness, inside my ear.

i said, “oh please, stop.” she did and said very matter of factly, “you’re bleeding a little and i didn’t get it out.” i writhed around on the bed holding my ear, until i could stand to get up. my ear hurt and felt swollen and full on the inside. it bled on and off for a few days. i didn’t really notice anything at that time, because it was so tender.

however, after flying back to nevada, i noticed that the roaring had once again become more amplified. i’m not blaming m****a. i don’t think that she hurt me on purpose and it probably has nothing to do with her at all. i’m guessing that it’s purely coincidental…wrong place, wrong time.she was after all, trying to help me.

i’ve figured out though, that the roaring is keeping me from sleeping at night. i’ve got to go through a whole process now, in order to fall asleep. i either listen to my spotify playlist or the office, with my ear buds in and the volume cranked up. that’s the only way i can counteract the sound and that only lasts until the ear buds fall out.

that’s why i’ve been getting up so early and unable to fall sleep, until i’m just too exhausted to notice anymore. last night, “blood makes noise,” was the first and only song that i heard as i drifted off to sleep. i found it circularly ironic. before, i was lying in an empty tub, while hearing the song and having a panic attack.

last night, i was lying in my bed, while hearing the song, to try to avoid having a panic attack. both times, i felt like the lyrics might describe my symptoms, but this time, i could listen, enjoy, and not panic. and yet i do wonder to myself, “is it the blood that’s making the noise…rushing through and around my ear drum…?” that would make a lot of sense…

because, blood does make noise. i hear it every time i have an ultrasound of my heart or arteries…and there you have it.

“blood makes noise”

i’d like to help you doctor
yes i really really would
but the din in my head
it’s too much and it’s no good
i’m standing in a windy tunnel
shouting through the roar
and i’d like to give the information
you’re asking for

but blood makes noise
it’s a ringing in my ear
blood makes noise
and i can’t really hear you
in the thickening of fear

i think that you might want to know
the details and the facts
but there’s something in my blood
denies the memory of the acts
so just forget it doc.
i think it’s really
cool that you’re concerned
but we’ll have to try again
after the silence has returned

cause blood makes noise
it’s a ringing in my ear
blood makes noise
and i can’t really hear you
in the thickening of fear

blood makes noise…

 

 

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