in hindsight, i should’ve never let that sheet of paper bother me, and i should’ve never said or written anything about it, but it’s done, and i’m not going to try to “hide” it. i’m owning it.
my upset came at a huge, personal cost, but there’s no reason to try to pretend that it didn’t happen. everything that i said was absolutely true and how i felt…and, to a lesser degree, still feel.
i should’ve just been a “big girl,” and kept it to myself. my mistake was believing that my blog was off limits ethically, as that was what i was told. i should’ve been seen and not heard.
i put a lot of effort into trying to unravel, “the mystery of the agree to live contract.” to me, that was very important. it was like i was stuck and couldn’t move forward, until i knew why.
i know why now. i’m fully functioning and completely capable of moving forward…however, now apparently, things are different. i chose to let my ptsd-triggered, shit-storm get to me.
i finished a post analyzing everything, but now it just serves as a reminder, that i say way too much, and many times without thinking things out completely. as my ex would say,”but, i’m charming.”
my discoveries are really in depth and wordy. i’m just going to cut them down to three simple concepts.
the fact that i had no one other than my sister, my dad, and my ex to put as emergency contacts, made me feel incredibly sad and alone.
the fact that i felt that my choices and options were being taken away…and, after watching my mom die from als and seeing her choices be stripped from her…it upset me.
the fact that my verbal agreement wasn’t good enough. i’m an honorable leo…if i say it, i mean it…but, if you try to tell me what to do, or try to pin me down…i may shut down or disengage.
***now, please know…i don’t say any of this to elicit sympathy or pity. i’m not a victim or a project. i’m a fiercely, independent, strong, healthy, capable woman!! i choose to share this with others, but, this is my self-discovery and it’s used, as a personal-growth ruler.***