a smile on my face…

i had a smile on my face all day today. i somehow, mysteriously crawled out of bed with one on. 

it was odd to look in the mirror this morning, while brushing my teeth, and see myself smiling through the foaming toothpaste. 

it was there again when i got out of the shower and it was very unexpected. i found myself strangely fascinated, as i taught myself not to smile years ago, so that i wouldn’t get wrinkles. 

but, there was a smile on my face as i prepared to leave the house. i couldn’t see it as i got dressed, but i could feel it…and, it was coming from the inside out. 

my heart was warm and full of, oddly enough, self-love. my heart was smiling and the byproduct of that, was a smile on my face. i was shocked and amused.

“seriously, how could it be possible,” i wondered. and then, i began thinking about last night. i had felt so badly that i was called out by my therapist on tuesday, for not doing my homework.

i decided that i wasn’t going to let that happen again. i knew that she was the professional and she knew what she was doing. she was trying to help me, help myself.

so, last evening, i sat in the living room, while richard watched, “house of cards.” i read the information that my therapist had sent me and i began my homework. 

my homework wasn’t at all easy, because it required me to really take a look at myself, from the inside out. it required honesty, focus, and self-love. 

my homework consisted of stems. where a partial statement is made and then you have to come up with six to ten rapid-fire answers. example: if i was more energetic today, i would…clean my room, do laundry, go to the dog park, etc.

another part of my homework was rewriting my negative, self-narrative. i was supposed to come up with ten, negative self-statements and rewrite them. example: no one will ever love me. (revision) i already have someone to love me, that person is me. 

another aspect of my homework was listing positive, self-attributes. examples: i am full of curiosity and childlike wonder. i am able to forgive others when they hurt or disappoint me.

the last part of my homework was coming up with ten positive affirmations and start using them. examples: i am worthy of love and respect. i am deserving of truthful interactions.

so, as i was driving, i saw myself in the rear view mirror and i had a smile on my face. adele came on and instead of crying…i began singing along. i felt good.

i bounced into my therapist’s office, with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. she looked at me like she had seen a ghost. she wondered what exactly had transpired, since tuesday, when i was sad and stuck.

i had a smile on my face, as i handed her my homework. as we went through it all, she beamed with delight. she herself was smiling and thrilled that i decided to do the work.

after leaving a great session, i went to work at my part-time job. i got a call to go to this really cool place called pop’s. as i waited in line to place the customers order, i noticed a lady staring at me. 

usually, that would make me uncomfortable or make me wonder if she was judging me. instead, i had a smile on my face and it was for her. she came up to me and told me that she really liked my shirt. it had a picture of the kool-aid guy on it.

i told her,”thank you” and i had a smile on my face. she looked at me and returned my smile. i told her to have a good day and to enjoy her meal. she told me to have a nice day, too. 

anyway, i drove up to the office building where i was delivering the food. i got out with a spring in my step and rode the elevator up to the sixth floor. 

as i walked into the attorney’s office, i had a smile on my face. i took the food out of my bag and gave it to the guy. he looked at me and smiled. he thanked me and i was on my way.

it was a great day…weather-wise, accomplishment-wise, and emotion-wise. all day i had a spring in my step and a smile on my face. i was grateful for the shift and felt relieved. maybe there is something to all of this self-love business after all. 

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