this morning i woke up to the familiar digging on my chest, of my twelve pound dog, buggs. i slid my feet into my checkerboard, black vans and as we walked toward the door, i noticed a spring in my step.
as we walked, i felt lighter and more agile. we walked faster and further than we normally do. buggs was equally jaunty and we enjoyed the refreshing morning air. we got back to the apartment and i took a shower.
i got out of the shower and felt really good, and really refreshed. i chose a tan pair of cargo shorts and one of my nice blue shirts. i put on my “kismet” essential oil and smelled delightful, and yummy all day long.
i fixed my overgrown hair and it turned out pretty good. as i looked in the mirror, i realized that i was satisfied, actually more than satisfied. i was ready to go out and face my day. as i am remembering to utilize my affirmations, during the day…
i heard a voice that sounded a lot like mine say, “damn, i’m adorable…somebody, somewhere is missing out on something.” feeling rather silly, i briefly averted my eyes, but then, i looked back and flashed a grin.
this self-love business, is both helpful and absolutely absurd to me. i hear the things that i say sometimes and just burst out laughing. maybe that’s the point of it…maybe if i just spend my day cracking myself up, i’ll feel better…
honestly, i really don’t know, but as buggs and i exited the apartment…i both knew that i looked my best and smelled fantastic. i also knew that my clothes were looser and getting just plain baggy. when i have some extra money…
i’m going to take myself clothes and shoe shopping, as i still only have the clothes and shoes that i could fit in one suitcase. so, my outfit choices are very limited, so, it’s a good thing that i’m on relationship restriction right now.
on our walk to the car, there it was again…i felt a spring in my step. i felt good. i felt confident. i felt much lighter. and, i felt fucking adorable. we walked over to the crv and climbed inside. as i turned the key, the radio came on.
it was one of my very favorite songs, “we are young,” by the band fun. i absolutely loved hearing the song and did my very best not to think of the last time that i heard it, or rather requested to hear it, in an iowa living room, from dj ***.
my god, that was nearly impossible, but i was determined that this was mine and bugg’s day. i told myself, “no more tears. no more snot. no more questions.” i looked in the rear view mirror and said, “i am worthy and deserving…”
“…this day is mine and bugg’s.” as i watched myself say that in the rear view, it made me a little sad, because i didn’t quite believe it. so, i repeated it over and over, until not only did i believe it, but there was nothing and no one to stop us.
i went to therapy and that was really hard, as it sometimes is, when i have really difficult work to do. it was not without a lot of tears. i have been being kind to myself, doing my silly affirmations, and working on stems.
and as i left therapy, i dried my tears, pulled up my sagging shorts, walked towards the car, and there it was again…a spring in my step. i grabbed the door handle and entered the car to a very, excited, twelve-pound dog.
buggs jumped into my lap and licked away the salty trails of my tears. i watched in the mirror, this sweet-sweet boy giving me unconditional love and it made me feel so wanted and so cared for. and, i could just feel my heart smile…
…for the first time in weeks. i hugged him and kissed him…and i knew, that he was my soulmate. i knew that he was sent to me, to be my guardian angel. i knew that he loved me just as i was and would never lie to me, or hurt me.
i looked in the rear view mirror and said, “i am completely lovable and worthwhile, as i am. i am enough for me and buggs. and, i am really freaking adorable.” and, i saw it for myself, with buggs, and i knew it to be true.
buggs and i went about the rest of our afternoon, enjoying driving around the city, taking photos, and working my part-time job. today, we only got two calls, one to pickup and deliver chipotle and one to pickup and deliver taco y taco.
i find myself, in competition with myself, pushing myself to go faster and further, and better. both of my deliveries were upstairs, so, as i alit the staircases…i remembered last year, at this time not being physically able…
…to push and challenge myself. not being able to take staircases with a spring in my step. not being able to breathe and struggling for every breath. i am proud of myself for doing the work, and eternally grateful for the one…
…person of substance that i’ve met online, who actually cared enough about me to give me tools and an inspirational blueprint to change. and, i’m imagining, that without that intervention, and left to my own devices, i would probably…
…have had a severe decline in my health. i’m no longer that same person anymore. that one little spark, ignited a fire inside of me, and the byproducts of that are good health and strength. my job keeps me going, keeps me active.
it’s a rinky-dink job, but it keeps me busy, helps me earn extra income, and gives me plenty of photo ops. i’ve worked hard my whole life, had a great career, owned two art galleries, written two books, and had photos published.
i am technically, “disabled,” but i am vital, useful, helpful, and brilliant. i am using this time to decide exactly what is next for me. i know that i will be going back to the place where i thrive the most. i’m heading back to school.
mr. man and i, owned our day. we went places that we had never been. we took photographs. and, we kept busy. we made some money. it was a good day. it was a challenging day. and, i was so glad to have shared it with bugg’s.
when we pulled into the parking spot at our apartment, i again saw myself in the mirror. and, i couldn’t help it, but i said, “i’m good enough. i’m smart enough. and, dog gone it, people like me.” i laughed and laughed.
buggs and i went for another walk and i just couldn’t believe how loose my shorts were, or how baggy my shirt was. as we walked, i felt it again. i had a spring in my step. i was lighter and i was motherfucking adorable.