i had the greatest day that i’ve had in a very long time yesterday. who knew that driving to “the strip” and delivering a woodfired, barbecued, chicken pizza and deep fried brussel sprouts, to a clerk at the kate spade boutique, inside of caesar’s palace would bring me so much joy!!
but later, when i was lying in bed, it hit me how much i missed talking to my best friend. in fact, i find myself making excuses to not go to bed, because it was the time that we spent up to eight hours talking and laughing, on the phone. i found myself thinking that she would have gotten such a laugh about seeing the giant celine and my love affair with the kate spade bags. i miss her.
i thought further about my time in iowa, with her and her girls. quite honestly, it was one of the best christmases that i’ve ever had. i guess that i allowed my feelings and emotions to imagine, “what if.” i really fell in love with iowa, the woman, her kids, and her dog. i had fun playing games, quizzing fractions, coloring, shopping, and just talking. i cared and i felt really cared about. i felt profound gratitude and abundance. it felt like i had found my place in the world, and my people to care for.
i imagined myself getting a job at the dollar general or delivering the mail. i imagined going to volleyball and basketball games…and trying every gluten-free baked goods recipe imaginable. i watched as the girls transformed my barking twelve pound dog, into a little happy and compliant snuggle bunny. my dog fell in love with their dog, a gentle-giant great dane/standard poodle mix. they shared food, but not toys.
i sat back and watched all of the interactions…between the sisters and parent/child. i have never met two sisters who got along so well…discussing but not fighting…negotiating, sharing, helping, and really loving and respecting their mother. they were both bright, kind, funny, and engaging…really the very best parts of their mother. i found myself really caring about them. i miss being around them and spending time with them!!
when it came to their mother, i witnessed a level of love and dedication that knew no bounds. teaching and preparing her kids for all aspects of the real world…things like teaching about investing and investments, cooking and correct seasoning, eating properly with silverware and chopsticks, how to shop for the best deals, the art of discussion and negotiation, world cultures and religions, animal care, art and history, there were no taboo subjects…there were no off limit questions. she has been preparing these girls to be honorable and respected adults, who will always know their worth and value. these girls will never doubt that they were loved or wanted, by their devoted parent.
i have never met a more brain smart, intelligent woman, in all my life. i believe that we shared a similar thought process. i believe that we were able to stimulate the most cerebral parts of each other’s minds. i enjoyed talking with her and hearing her different perspectives on things. when i was around her and with her, i was able to be me. i was confident. i was assertive. i was comfortable in my own skin. she made me feel good about myself. i loved her and the girls.
yesterday was a very good day, but later when i thought about it, i became sad because the last time i had pizza, was with the girls…barbecued beef pizza. and, then i thought about how much i was looking forward to my best friend and her girls coming to vegas to visit me. i was going to take them everywhere, including caesar’s palace. it would’ve been an absolute pleasure and honor for me. i just really miss them all and feel a profound sense of gratitude for ever having them in my life, as well as a profound sense of loss.
i guess i imagined and felt all of these feelings, because i wanted to fit…i wanted to belong…i wanted to be theirs.