so, i guess that’s that…

i’m really not surprised. i knew that when someone goes from talking to you eight hours a day, to spending twenty-four hours a day with you, to sending you two text messages in a week’s time, that that was that.

she told me in iowa that she thought that she was ready for a relationship, after ending a six year marriage and filing for divorce from her wife, but that she realized that she wasn’t. she told me that she was scared and didn’t want to hurt me, because she loved me. 

she told me that we were together, but would take it slowly and continue to get to know each other, and visit back and forth. i have been doing really well giving her time and space to figure out what she really wanted to do.

i have abstained from my self-sabotaging ways and didn’t give any ultimatum’s, didn’t write any twenty page overwhelming emails, and didn’t write any kind of a “bounce” email.

i chose to believe that she would let me know if things changed, but instead she ran from me. she said that she didn’t want to have the conversation. she said that if we were going to have any kind of a future, that we would have to go back to being just friends first. 

so, i agreed to go back to just being her friend…her best friend. she also said that it would take pressure off of both of us, if we put future possibilities on hold. i have missed her and talking to her about everything, and nothing at all, so i agreed to it, as i do want her in my life, in some capacity. 

i’m hurting. i’m raw. i’m disappointed. i’m just really sad. i would have loved her forever and she knew it, and that scared the crap out of her…as always, all i ever wanted, was to love someone and to be loved back. i know that she loved me back, she was just scared.

she is a good person, a smart person, and a very scared person, who is just not ready for me now and quite possibly may never be. but, i took a chance because i loved her and she was worth it.

i don’t know how i manage to keep doing it, but i keep finding these fantastic women, who are emotionally unavailable. i love her regardless, as a friend, or otherwise. i really don’t have the option of anything else right now. 

so, here i am again. and here’s the thing…yesterday, it was exactly one year to the day that i received that, “time to be a unicorn, meme.” it meant a lot to me then and it means a lot to me now.

i highly doubt that the person who sent me that gem, still looks at my blog, but i am going to throw an invitation into the universe for her. if you are out there still reading this, i would love to just hear about how you are doing…as nothing more than a friend or acquaintance. it’s been a year and i have honored your request, as i always will. (sprockets111@gmail.com) 

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